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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
NeedleNoodle3 · 12/04/2022 15:05

Do you think this Is the once a year break or an additional one?

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 15:05

I think I would have to put a comment on or something just so they knew I had seen it , then ask when there back if there was a reason I wasn't asked

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 15:06

I always wonder why if someone has been excluded people then post it all over social media - just why
Or have the guts to tell them before hand

DPotter · 12/04/2022 15:06

ask them - you have nothing to loose

MsTSwift · 12/04/2022 15:10

Very hurtful but you can’t say anything. Just makes it worse and you look like a whiner even less likely to be asked in future. Hard but true.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/04/2022 15:12

I'd definelty put something on the group chat.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/04/2022 15:13

I’d just distance myself. Why waste time asking them to justify or lie about why you were excluded. The truth is that for whatever reason you weren’t wanted. You deserve better than to have people who don’t want to be with you as your friends.

2DogsOnMySofa · 12/04/2022 15:16

Your damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Put a comment on dm or comment on WhatsApp and you come across as a loon, don't say anything and they'll continue to be mean. I'd distance myself and find a new group of friends

lemongreentea · 12/04/2022 15:17

I'd ask them OP. Thats hurtful if you are all so close, all get on and usually go away together once a year.

I bet its someone in the group who has an issue with you but hasnt approched you about it and organised this herself with the other, leaving you out. Or something along those lines.

Is there one freind you are closer to who you could ask?

girlmom21 · 12/04/2022 15:18

I'd ask as well. That's shit.

ReallyIrish · 12/04/2022 15:20

Yes I would address it. Either they're your friends out they're not. Excluding one person from a whole group is not the kind of thing friends do and you won't want to continue a friendship with that type of people.
If you address it and by some small chance it's an over sight then maybe the friendships can continue.

Mooloolabababy · 12/04/2022 15:21

Wow, shitty behaviour, Id have to ask why I wasn't invited this time seeing as you usually go. How many of them are there? I'd definitely distance myself. Friends don't do that Thanks

coodawoodashooda · 12/04/2022 15:23

There is nothing they can say that will actually make it feel better.

Shodan · 12/04/2022 15:23

I was excluded from a group holiday, many years ago, and was equally hurt.

It turned out that one member of the group had universally decided I wouldn't be able to afford it and had told all the others this, and not to mention the holiday to me to spare my feelings.

None of that was true- it's just that that one person didn't want me there, for whatever reason. The others were pretty pissed off with her when they found out the true story, so I'm not sure it had the effect she wanted.

Could be something like that.

Brefugee · 12/04/2022 15:24

i would be leaving a totally pass-agg comment on one (or more) of the SM posts like "oh looks like you're all having fun, it's colder than a witche's tit here, a bit of sun would be great"

and then just leave them to it

bjrce · 12/04/2022 15:27

OP, don't ask anything on a group chat! Don't let them know they've hurt you.

Remember, they're there altogether! safety in numbers. So anything you say- they will justify their behaviour between themselves.

What I would do is- when they get back - speak to them separately asking why did the decide to exclude you. You will have the benefit of being in control and they won't feel as brave alone.
They're cowards!

Then , distance yourself!

Mummy1608 · 12/04/2022 15:27

Even if you ask, it'll never really be the same - move on and hang out with other friends

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:34

I do have a particularly close friend within the group who knows I have always struggled with feelings of abandonment and anxiety so I will probably speak to her at some point and just ask her honestly why I was excluded. I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset but it’s knocked my self esteem for six and I feel truly horrible about myself which is something I’ve managed to keep under control for years Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:37

It’s probably my anxiety talking but I just feel like they’re all having a big laugh about what they’ve done while they’re away. I know logically I probably haven’t even crossed their minds but I can’t help feeling so sad.

This is the first true ‘group’ of friends I’ve ever had, when I met them I truly felt like my friendship was valued and wanted and I’ve never felt like that before and at least two of them know that. I think that’s why it hurts so much Sad

OP posts:
ExcaliburBaby · 12/04/2022 15:39

I’d have to ask about it for my own peace of mind/not letting it fester. But I’d be straightforward about it - ie not make any passive aggressive comments on the social posts. I’d whatsapp one person in the group and say “the pics from xxx look great - I would have loved to come along too so just wondered if there was a reason I wasn’t invited? I have to admit I feel a bit hurt that everyone has gone away without asking me if I would like to come” that’s just how I would deal with it though.

fourandnomore · 12/04/2022 15:39

Oh this is so awful, I’m sad reading it. I think the idea of speaking to the person you feel closest to when they get back is a good one but if I’m totally honest I think I’d be muting or leaving the groups and having nothing to do with them again as I’d never feel the same.

TheArtfulBlogger · 12/04/2022 15:40

@semicharmed I think your reaction is perfectly normal. I cant imagine anyone not feeling as you do. If they say they wouldnt feel that way, then I can only think they are lying or have never had such hurtful behaviour directed at them ( or are the ones that have excluded people)

Are you the ONLY one not included, or are there others too?

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:42

I’ll probably never say a word and keep this bottled up forever. I’ve typed out a whole message to them which I’ll probably just keep in my notes on my phone because I don’t want anyone to know they’ve hurt me so badly. This whole thread is just a bit of catharsis for me to vent and say all the things I’d never say to them for fear of making them feel bad about themselves.

I do have other truly wonderful friends though who I am very grateful for Smile

OP posts:
Mooloolabababy · 12/04/2022 15:43

I think your reaction is normal, I'd be very hurt and upset too op. Sorry this is happening to you.

Staggersaurus · 12/04/2022 15:44

I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset

You are so wrong, I think most people would find this really hurtful. I know I would!

I personally would speak to the friend you are closest to and tell her how hurt you feel at being excluded. Bollocks to not making them feel bad, they have hurt you and need to be told!