Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

I think in your circumstances I’d be too anxious to wait. I’d be worried at each point - are they gone yet? What about once you’ve felt movement’s and then worrying all the time if they had stopped.

And i’d also worry about a later abortion and it being maybe more traumatic than the current loss if you ended the pregnancy with medical intervention

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I had a termination at the same stage, it was very sad, what helped me is how kind and understanding every one was. I felt no guilt as it was the right thing to do, I didn’t want to risk my life carrying a baby that would not survive the pregnancy and I wanted another chance of a baby. Three things might help, request to give birth away from the maternity ward, I’m so glad I did as I don’t think I could have coped with a mother and baby ward.
I went to the memorial service that particular hospital holds once a year for babies that don’t make it. I don’t know if all hospitals do that but it was very comforting.
I wish I’d been able to wait until 20 weeks so I could have had a birth and death certificate.

I terminated at 18 weeks (it was triploidy in my case, I might theoretically have gone full term but then the baby would have died at or shortly after birth). But it was an easy decision as I also had pre-eclampsia. I'm so sorry you have to make this decision .

Thank you all for replying. Its crazy but since the scan yesterday all I have felt is the baby's movements I just don't know how to mentally prepare myself for this. I really appreciate everyone's experiences because it helps put things into context right now both me and dh are stuck in a horrible nightmare unable to think straight about anything.

Really feel for you. In time I wonder if looking up Tommy's might help. Think they can be supportive. Sending ♥️ to you.

Also, I would say could you take a couple of days or more before deciding as you are probably both in shock...? I'm so sorry.

I just want to say how sorry I am for you and what you are going through. I have no experience of it, other than knowing of SANDS and Tommy’s if you have not been given their details. They may be able to give you support while deciding what to do x

@headspin10

Really feel for you. In time I wonder if looking up Tommy's might help. Think they can be supportive. Sending ♥️ to you.

Thank you was looking at their website all day today but somehow just felt like I couldn't make contact. I don't know why dh thinks it might be because it somehow means I'm acknowledging the situation or something but I don't know what it is. My eyes and face are sore from tears but I just don't know how to carry on. In regards for asking for more time the midwives and consultants I spoke to on Tuesday said they will be led by me but a decision sooner if I'm comfortable might be more beneficial. It feels like a bad nightmare I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone I really don't mean to but I don't know how to function. We imagined our lives with a new baby brother or sister for my ds we made plans and now it's all gone.

My ds who has limited speech only recently says baby because I showed him my stomach and said mummy got your baby this was literally week before the scan that changed our lives but over this last week all my ds is saying and repeating is baby it just feels so cruel. I'm sorry for everyone in similar situations but I just feel totally broken and don't know how to make the decision.

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this 💔 it’s a heartbreaking decision to make, sending you hugs xx

**Should read mummy got baby

@vodkaginwine

I just want to say how sorry I am for you and what you are going through. I have no experience of it, other than knowing of SANDS and Tommy’s if you have not been given their details. They may be able to give you support while deciding what to do x

I haven't heard of sands will have a look at them thank you.

I'm so sorry. One thing to think about is if you would like a special family day, take the baby inside you to a beautiful place with their family, see the sea, or a place that's meaningful to you, or just have a normal day all together, before you say goodbye.
I'm so sorry. It's like a sick nightmarish vertigo when you felt your life going one way and then it just jerks into complete heartbreak.
You're being a wonderful mum, doing right by your baby.

I have no help or experience of this. But after reading I just wanted to send love and say I'm thinking of you at this horrible time x

So sorry about this diagnosis for your baby. I read this story about a baby with the same condition who survived after her mother persuaded doctors to try an experimental treatment of saline injections to replace amniotic fluid and support lung development. I don't know if this is something that is ever done in the UK (it sounds pretty miraculous to be honest) but just in case it is something you want to discuss with your medical team. www.google.com/amp/s/www.wsj.com/amp/articles/we-overcame-a-grim-prenatal-prognosis-11550519559

My thoughts are with you. X

Take your time and make the decision that feels right for you and to your baby. Do ask for a specialist midwife. You could also look
For a specialist doula too.

OP, please don't worry about offending anyone, you are in an incredibly hard and deeply distressing situation and everyone on here is supportive. I am so sorry for your pain and the impossible situation you are in.

I know someone whose baby was diagnosed with a terminal condition at the 20 week scan, but I'm afraid I can't remember the name of the condition. She was told that if her baby did make it to birth that baby would die soon after birth. She and her husband decided they wanted to continue with the pregnancy, she said her reasoning was that she wanted to give the baby as much life as it could possibly have. She said the medical staff were incredibly kind and respectful at every appointment and she was fully supported. Her baby died just moments before birth.

I also know someone whose baby was diagnosed with Trisomy at the 20 week scan, and she and her husband chose to end the pregnancy then. Both these women faced an impossible situation and made the best choices they could for themselves and their families. Both babies were dearly wanted and anticipated, and the loss of both has been profound for both women. Incidentally, both women are deeply religious and they both made their decisions within the framework of the same faith, if that is helpful to know.

I know this is not the same, but my then 2 year old son kept saying "baby in Mummy tummy" for the weeks after I miscarried our second baby. It cut me to the heart, but I realised that he must have sensed something and was trying to make sense of it and of why I was so sad.

I really hope you can come to the decision which is right for you.

@joobleydoo

OP, please don't worry about offending anyone, you are in an incredibly hard and deeply distressing situation and everyone on here is supportive. I am so sorry for your pain and the impossible situation you are in.

I know someone whose baby was diagnosed with a terminal condition at the 20 week scan, but I'm afraid I can't remember the name of the condition. She was told that if her baby did make it to birth that baby would die soon after birth. She and her husband decided they wanted to continue with the pregnancy, she said her reasoning was that she wanted to give the baby as much life as it could possibly have. She said the medical staff were incredibly kind and respectful at every appointment and she was fully supported. Her baby died just moments before birth.

I also know someone whose baby was diagnosed with Trisomy at the 20 week scan, and she and her husband chose to end the pregnancy then. Both these women faced an impossible situation and made the best choices they could for themselves and their families. Both babies were dearly wanted and anticipated, and the loss of both has been profound for both women. Incidentally, both women are deeply religious and they both made their decisions within the framework of the same faith, if that is helpful to know.

I know this is not the same, but my then 2 year old son kept saying "baby in Mummy tummy" for the weeks after I miscarried our second baby. It cut me to the heart, but I realised that he must have sensed something and was trying to make sense of it and of why I was so sad.

I really hope you can come to the decision which is right for you.

Thank you it's so helpful to hear others experiences it's not something I had even heard of before my experience with it I would normally turn to family but no one knows how to be or what to say and it hurts more in a weird way if that makes sense. I managed to drift of for about an hour last night but woke at 4am with a sudden grasp for air and the cruel reality hit me. I keep going from one decision to the other I don't even know it's possible to be so undecisive at this time but it's like an impossible situation I can't believe we starting 2022 in such a heart breaking situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss too I totally understand the heart wrenching pain of when ds says baby and today morning he said mama cry and its not words his uttered before. We had a lot of health battles with ds he has many special needs so these break through are so bitter sweet.

Thank you all for the support and kind words I can't explain how much this and the other thread have held me together I come back and sit and reread the posts for hours on end just knowing other have been in similar situations offer a measure of peace.

It’s ok to feel totally lost and confused and to not know what to do . But unless there is a medical reason that you need to decide now, you have time. You don’t need to feel rushed into a decision that you might regret later.

You might need to sit with your grief and loss for a little time until you know what is the way for you. There’s no right or wrong way to do this - only what you feel is best for you and your family.

You might want to take the time to decide how you will remember your baby. Do you want to give him / her a name, have photographs, footprints, certificates etc, hold them and bathe or dress them, choose a special outfit ?

Do you want to have any family members come and see you baby after you have given birth, such as your mother ?

This charity gives remembrance photos
remembermybaby.org.uk/about-us/

SANDS can provide certificates if your baby dies before birth or 24 weeks

www.sands.org.uk/sites/default/files/Sands%20-%20Saying%20goodbye%20to%20your%20baby.pdf

If you have any faith ( or none ) you can ask the hospital chaplain to come and bless / pray for your baby, if you would like that.

@Double3xposure

It’s ok to feel totally lost and confused and to not know what to do . But unless there is a medical reason that you need to decide now, you have time. You don’t need to feel rushed into a decision that you might regret later.

You might need to sit with your grief and loss for a little time until you know what is the way for you. There’s no right or wrong way to do this - only what you feel is best for you and your family.

You might want to take the time to decide how you will remember your baby. Do you want to give him / her a name, have photographs, footprints, certificates etc, hold them and bathe or dress them, choose a special outfit ?

Do you want to have any family members come and see you baby after you have given birth, such as your mother ?

This charity gives remembrance photos
remembermybaby.org.uk/about-us/

SANDS can provide certificates if your baby dies before birth or 24 weeks

www.sands.org.uk/sites/default/files/Sands%20-%20Saying%20goodbye%20to%20your%20baby.pdf

If you have any faith ( or none ) you can ask the hospital chaplain to come and bless / pray for your baby, if you would like that.

Thank you for your message I hadn't thought about names or anything tbh I hadn't thought about what happens after the baby is born. There's so much to think about.

Had a very insensitive call from mil today it hurts to even think about her insinuations that I should be back to normal today it's been a few days. Its broken me in all honesty.

That's not acceptable. Don't give any space in your head or body to your MIL.
Normal is not where you are right now. I'm just so sorry you're having to say goodbye to your baby.

ARC Uk are great - online and will talk over the phone specifically about TFMR. We had a TFMR at 21 weeks, it's all v hard but go one day/ hour at a time. Good advice above about thinking about what to do in terms of spending time with your baby if you decide on TFMR.. but right now just focus on what you feel is best for your baby (and you) when thinking about your decision.

@heywhatswrongwitu

ARC Uk are great - online and will talk over the phone specifically about TFMR. We had a TFMR at 21 weeks, it's all v hard but go one day/ hour at a time. Good advice above about thinking about what to do in terms of spending time with your baby if you decide on TFMR.. but right now just focus on what you feel is best for your baby (and you) when thinking about your decision.

I was thinking to make contact with arc or Tommy's just feel nervous as I don't really have decision made so not sure what I'm asking for really. But also don't want to get judged for either decision I don't know if that makes sense. I had a talk with dh about doing something special to us with ds before we do anything just for memories I know ds doesn't currently understand or have the ability to understand what's happening but one day I would like him to acknowledge the sibling we lost.

@Kudupoo

That's not acceptable. Don't give any space in your head or body to your MIL. Normal is not where you are right now. I'm just so sorry you're having to say goodbye to your baby.

Thank you just feel like everyone looks at me and thinking there's something fundamentally wrong with me especially as Ds has long term health issues etc and now this it just feels so hurtful.

Maybe block mil for now. Let dh deal with /filter her messages. You must definitely don't need to be receiving any awful texts. So sorry this has happened. Maybe have a blanket personalised when you have chosen a name. Your baby having a written down name may bring a tiny bit of comfort..

Just wanting to send love your way. Takes my breath away how hard being a woman is sometimes. I’m really sorry.
Not the same thing but when I had my surgical management and they walked me down to theatre I thought all the time about my dd at home and how every step I took took me closer to going home to hold her and hug her. It helped at that moment in time.