Oh OP, it's bloody exhausting trying to be fine all the time though, but I get it. I've not been through exactly what you've been through but I know I'm not the only one here that would do anything to take your pain away right now.
I have a disabled young daughter and I too had to have a termination. I have times when I've blamed myself for both and when not blaming myself , I'm trying to be a functioning mum and wife. It's like being torn in every direction. Sometimes, something has to give and I fight it like mad, driving my DH mad in the process. Sometimes we pull together, sometimes we push each other away..one of those times just a week ago I phoned the Samaritans for the first time in my life because 'being fine' for so long wasn't sustainable and I needed to fall apart on someone.
I should have rung them far sooner and it took me the whole length of a field to actually press ring... I just burst into tears and told them everything, everything I wish I could have screamed out loud over the past couple of years, "that it was all my fault, that I wish I could save my children and husband from me and I'd be better off gone." They listened and didn't judge me, it was so cathartic to just say all the things in my head to an actual person and to stop being 'fine' for a bit. It felt different to typing it out on a forum, somewhat more of a release.
Maybe it'll just be a bit of a release for you too OP? It certainly wouldn't hurt and as someone who fought the idea of it, I can tell you, I'll definitely not wait a year again to ring them! We all care about you here and will do our best to help hold you up xxx