Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

I just want to say you sound like such a nice person and a really good mummy. Sending you strength and love ❤ I hope you have people to talk to IRL. Good luck darling.

Got insomnia.

Popped on to say I'm thinking of you. Hope you are managing.

Am also thinking of all the posters who understand what you are going through.

A friend told me about micro chimerism which I found helpful - our babies leave cells behind in us. They are always with us.

www.nytimes.com/2015/09/15/science/a-pregnancy-souvenir-cells-that-are-not-your-own.html

[quote vivariumvivariumsvivaria]Got insomnia.

Popped on to say I'm thinking of you. Hope you are managing.

Am also thinking of all the posters who understand what you are going through.

A friend told me about micro chimerism which I found helpful - our babies leave cells behind in us. They are always with us.

www.nytimes.com/2015/09/15/science/a-pregnancy-souvenir-cells-that-are-not-your-own.html[/quote]
Thank you. Really struggling tonight feels worse than previous nights maybe because I know what's to come trying to watching the time run away from me but the minutes seem to rush by. I don't know how I am going to do this.

Oh OP. Sending you so much love and hugs and strength for tomorrow and also for tonight. You are incredibly brave. @KnobJockey has put it perfectly. You are a wonderful mum.

@Newdreams
Firstly I am so sorry for what you are going through.
It's not quite the same but I lost twins last year at 16 wks. Like you I was given the tablet and told to come back a couple of days later.
On the day I tried to take it a stage at a time e.g. getting to the hospital, then having the next bit of medication etc.
You will find an inner strength to do what you need to do. I remember when it was over waiting to be discharged and the nurse kept coming in to tell me something else or give me leaflets, in the end I couldn't help but burst out laughing as it felt like she just wanted an excuse to make me stay. What I'm saying is it's ok to feel however you are, you might find you fluctuate between emotions and that's perfectly normal. You can do this and you are doing the right thing by you. your baby and your family. Sending lots of love

I can feel your sadness in your post. So sorry you are having to deal with this. Take a few days to think over what you would like. I lost a child at 18 weeks and we were going to call her Isabella. We bought a lovely teddy bear and called it Isabella. I put it on shelf in nursery. I used to go and sit in nursery when DH was at work cuddle the teddy and play musical mobile. I found it comforting. I went on to have another baby, a boy. You won't ever forget the baby you lose. The nurses might do a hand print for you if you ask in advance.

Sending you lots of love op

I'm just so sorry you're going through this.
You're incredibly brave. My heart is breaking for you. I will be thinking of you xx

I've not been in your position OP, but am thinking of you and sending you love.

Wishing you a bearable Sunday, @Newdreams.

I hope everyone you deal with today treats you with kindness.

Thinking of you going in today XX

Thinking of you and sending you lots of strength

Hope you are doing ok op. I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.

Just sending you love, I am thinking of you today. Everything you have done is because to love.

Hope you are doing ok and your physical pain is under control at least, @Newdreams.

No need for a response. You just popped into my head.

I am so sorry that you go through this OP. It is one of the most difficult & heart wrenching situations a parent has to face.

We had to TFMR a much tried for pregnancy at 27 weeks in Jan. 2020 as our first-born son was diagnosed with lissencephaly. He had loads of other issues too and the doctors advised that his life ( if he made it to term) would be horrendous. We decided to let him go and spare him all the pain and anguish. I will not gloss it over, the months after loosing him were hellish and both myself and DH questioned our morals, our faith & our actions. They were our darkest days and the pain was excruciating. Our marriage suffered as each of us had his own way of dealing with the loss.

However, a bit by bit, month by month, the pain eased and two years after I can say we are at peace. We still think of him and send prayers and love especially on his anniversary.

We now have a DD, turning one soon. She is our miracle who we did not think it was possible at all due to fertility issues. We promised what we will tell her, her brother's story once she is older.

Hang in there OP, I promise you, the lighter days will come eventually and you will make it through the pain. Just be kind to each other, talk with each other and to anyone that will listen, do whatever feels right for you and your family. As for the guilt, please try to push it aside and believe that you did the best thing a parent could do under these circumstances.

Here if you want to talk so somebody.
Sending lots of love and hugs x

After 19 hours of pain and contraction my beautiful baby girl was born showing signs of life for a few moments before she passed in arms. I am broken and don't know how to do the basics anymore I just want hold on to baby and not let her go. I want to bring her home I am exhausted and weak but don't want to put baby down.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You hold on to your baby for as long as you need to. Take pictures, kiss her, talk to her.

Would you like to tell us about her? I bet she's beautiful? Did you think of a name you liked?

You're a wonderful mother. You chose the best path for your precious baby. You've done the best thing and the most courageous thing. You're brave and strong and so so so loving.

I've lit a candle for your baby. You're in my thoughts.

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful girl. It is lovely that she passed in your arms, babies belong in their mother's arms.

You hold her for as long as you need. There is no rush.

I have also got a little candle going for your baby. It smells gorgeous. I bet your daughter does too.

Hold your beautiful girl for as long as you feel you need to. Sending love xx

Oh New, it's been so heartbreaking following this thread 😢💔.
You cuddle your little one as long as you need sweetheart. Hope these loving memories will cause you much comfort one day when you look back on how your little one spent literally her whole life either in mummy's tummy or arms ❤. Thinking of your DH too, what wonderfully brave parents you've been xxx.

Take as long as you need. Sending you and your beautiful girl so much love

@Newdreams

After 19 hours of pain and contraction my beautiful baby girl was born showing signs of life for a few moments before she passed in arms. I am broken and don't know how to do the basics anymore I just want hold on to baby and not let her go. I want to bring her home I am exhausted and weak but don't want to put baby down.

Hello darling. I have been following this thread from the start, and have been working out if and when to reply.

I am not saying this as a comparison, I'm saying this as a 'I feel your pain, I know what you're going through'.

I went through similar in just October last year.
We found out at 22 weeks - at a 20 week rescan - that our little boy had a brain malformation and would likely not survive.
We decided to have a late term termination. I had to have the injection to stop his heart, which pains me every day. I gave birth at 26 weeks. His name was Sebastian.

My love, it gets easier. I mean honestly at the same time it really fucking doesn't, I think about him every day, I play the song we had playing at his funeral in my head every day, I think about the labour, the epidural, the TV programmes we watched while we were waiting, the time I spent with him after he was born... I think about it all the time.

But life engulfs it, to an extent. It doesn't make it easier, it just makes it a more manageable part of your life as it goes on.

My advice - give her all the cuddles. Kiss her forehead, kiss her nose, cradle her hands, stroke her head. Stroke her cheeks. Cuddle her. Take as long as you need. You will hold this moment with you for as long as you live. Don't cut it short.

If you are staying overnight tonight, ask them to keep her near you in a cold cot overnight. Cuddle her again tomorrow. Take photos. (Don't be put off if she is cold; she will likely be cold. No mother should have to kiss a cold baby. But she is your baby.)

When you leave hospital it will be shit. You shouldn't have to leave a maternity ward without a baby.
The funeral will be half shit and half cathartic. Choose songs that mean something (we had Winter Bear by Coby Grant and Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) by The Chicks). I can't think of the words to these songs or hum them without crying - but weirdly, that helps. I will likely never hear them again, until I choose to.

Don't be worried about your partner reacting differently, I think that's natural. My DP didn't even come to the funeral, but we talked through the reasons why, and it's fine.

Deal with this how you need to. Have therapy, talk to people. Look into acupuncture - I've heard that for some people it can work wonders.

Send me a PM if you want - I am still going through this, I am here to chat if you want.

All the best -
I'm thinking of you.

You've been in my thoughts today OP. Sending love to you, your DH and of course your wonderful baby girl. Xx

Hello. I felt the need to comment because in August 2021 I had a tfmr too due to my sons kidneys being full of cysts which meant they weren't working so he wouldn't of been able to survive.

Those first few days are awful, and you feel that you can barely breath. People will say insensitive things without meaning too, mainly because they've never experienced it. It's okay to cry, and be sad, take your time with your feelings.

I still cry now, my sons due date was Christmas day and it was very hard but we managed to get through it. That's what you do, day by day, hour by hour you get through it and if that means that you lay in bed all day watching films for a few weeks then so be it, please let yourself grieve.

I didn't have a funeral for my son because I lost my nan the same day so i was hit with a lot of grief and could barely function. We let off balloons instead for him and had a cremation, his ashes are in our bedroom with his photo in a frame. Don't feel pressured that you need a funeral either, do what you feel is right.
Take lots of photos of your daughter and footprints if you can.

Thinking of you at this time and sending love