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Original poster

Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

431 replies

Newdreams · 30/12/2021 21:40

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 16:07

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

That's great that you've got antidepressants too. Hope they kick in fast.

Don't go for a walk alone if your head feels weird and you are hot, Is there a friend who'd chum you?

Actually, if DH wakes up and finds you gone he'll maybe have a little panic and ruin the benefit of his nap. Be sure and let him know where you've gone!

I won't go.

I don't think I'm depressed I'm just a little sad but I am fine. If dh can go and be happy without me I'll be fine he will be safe away from me.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 16:12

Safe? Do you think DH is unsafe just now?

It's reasonable to feel a little sad with everything that you've experienced. It's also reasonable to be angry, or empty, or distraught or to feel nothing at all. You'll just feel what you feel until the grief becomes something you learn to live with.

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 16:16

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Safe? Do you think DH is unsafe just now?

It's reasonable to feel a little sad with everything that you've experienced. It's also reasonable to be angry, or empty, or distraught or to feel nothing at all. You'll just feel what you feel until the grief becomes something you learn to live with.

His not safe with me I can't keep hurting him he doesn't deserve that. He so kind he deserves to be happy.
OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 16:28

Ok, I'm listening to you. Are you able to say in which way are you hurting DH?

He does sound very kind, and how he's been with you today suggests that he is happy with you, but maybe a bit worried for you.

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 16:36

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Ok, I'm listening to you. Are you able to say in which way are you hurting DH?

He does sound very kind, and how he's been with you today suggests that he is happy with you, but maybe a bit worried for you.

All of this I am in capable of making him happy. Its my fault we lost our daughter. I saw dh the last time I was this way he was bearly the same person by the end of it I can do it anymore I can't I am fine without him I will be fine but I can't hurt him anymore it's not that I don't love him but I keep ending up hurting him. He asked me not to harm myself again and I have so tell me how am I not hurting him how am I not burdening him with this time and time again. He wanted to be back at work to get back to normal but I have stopped him. I'm not good for him I never have been. The years we been together have been the best but he needs to move on and I am fine. I will be fine.
OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 16:42

Oh, no.

No.

It is not your fault that your daughter was poorly and was not going to be well enough for this world.

That's not true. Its' really, honestly, not your fault.

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 16:48

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Oh, no.

No.

It is not your fault that your daughter was poorly and was not going to be well enough for this world.

That's not true. Its' really, honestly, not your fault.

We wanted her so much I can't do this anymore I physically can't.

It is my fault when ds was born everyone said he so unwell because of something I did in pregnancy I didn't believe it but now look where I am I buried our daughter there is something fundamentally wrong with me

I'm sorry

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 16:49

I do think you will be fine, yes. You are bright, and proactive and loving and It's interesting that you've been in a similar situation before - do you remember what helped you to feel better then?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/02/2022 16:51

OP none of this is your fault, you've been through an awful time, but you need to recognise that you are really unwell, you sound deeply, deeply depressed, even though you said you're not.
Often, the person in the grip of severe mental illness is the last to recognise it.
PLEASE PLEASE try to help your husband and the doctors to help you- see whatever doctors they want you to- take whatever medication and therapy they recommend- you can recover from this and have your life back again.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl Thanks

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 16:58

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I do think you will be fine, yes. You are bright, and proactive and loving and It's interesting that you've been in a similar situation before - do you remember what helped you to feel better then?
My son
OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 17:00

Well, if that was true, if there was any "fault" on your part then the midwives would have provided extra support for you.

Other things that women blame themselves for when pregnancies are tricky or have sad outcomes are things like obesity, addiction, not having a stable home, not having enough money - and the services to support pregnant women are exactly that, supportive.

If there was something in your or DH's genetic make up that would have caused challenges for DS's siblings then you'd have been offered help from very clever people who can help families have babies who won't suffer. So, it can't have been that either.

I have a good friend who is convinced that her son's autism was caused by her watching tv during the pregnancy. It's not true, but she beats herself up with that belief every day. Of course it's not true - but mums blame ourselves and it's just the nature of the thing.

It's not your fault. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. I really am.

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 17:08

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Well, if that was true, if there was any "fault" on your part then the midwives would have provided extra support for you.

Other things that women blame themselves for when pregnancies are tricky or have sad outcomes are things like obesity, addiction, not having a stable home, not having enough money - and the services to support pregnant women are exactly that, supportive.

If there was something in your or DH's genetic make up that would have caused challenges for DS's siblings then you'd have been offered help from very clever people who can help families have babies who won't suffer. So, it can't have been that either.

I have a good friend who is convinced that her son's autism was caused by her watching tv during the pregnancy. It's not true, but she beats herself up with that belief every day. Of course it's not true - but mums blame ourselves and it's just the nature of the thing.

It's not your fault. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. I really am.

I'm sorry
OP posts:
Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 17:09

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

OP none of this is your fault, you've been through an awful time, but you need to recognise that you are really unwell, you sound deeply, deeply depressed, even though you said you're not. Often, the person in the grip of severe mental illness is the last to recognise it. PLEASE PLEASE try to help your husband and the doctors to help you- see whatever doctors they want you to- take whatever medication and therapy they recommend- you can recover from this and have your life back again. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl Thanks
I am trying I am sorry.
OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 17:10

That's lovely that your son helped you to recover.

Do you mean that you were able to focus on him and do the things you needed to do in order to be able to care for him? So, it was possible to eat, sleep, take medication, wash, accept help?

Those 5 things can be really tough to make time for when you are feeling such overwhelming grief.

Your son still needs you. And you gave your daughter what she needed too, it's very tough because what she needed was not what you or your DH wanted or needed. It's desperately sad.

Do you think you might manage to do something from the self care list today? I feel a bit like they should be on a spinning wheel like on a Saturday night tv show from the 80s...

eat something
rest for a while
wash
take your medication
accept some help

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 08/02/2022 17:15

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 17:24

That's a good idea, @LilyMumsnet - you'll get more people with experience on there, @Newdreams.

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 17:28

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

That's a good idea, *@LilyMumsnet - you'll get more people with experience on there, @Newdreams*.
I'm sorry I should have realised I was in the wrong place I'm sorry.
OP posts:
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 08/02/2022 17:46

Absolutely no reason to be sorry - we just want you to be able to access the best support possible.

Lots of love and best wishes
MNHQ Flowers

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 18:28

Want to go for a walk but dh refusing to let me go alone. He has asked my mum to stay tonight. I'm burdening everyone around me.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/02/2022 18:35

I'd be a bit twitchy about you going alone too, @Newdreams. You've said your head feels funny and that you've got two lots of new medicine. Plus, it's dark and cold now, and you are exhausted.

Would your mum go with you?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/02/2022 18:35

@Newdreams

Want to go for a walk but dh refusing to let me go alone. He has asked my mum to stay tonight. I'm burdening everyone around me.
You're not a burden, you're just not well. Everyone loves you and wants to help you get better. You need someone to come with you on your walk SmileThanks
Matilda128 · 08/02/2022 18:39

I'm so sorry to read about what you have been through and how you are feeling at the moment. I just wanted to say that I called the Samaritans once when I was at a really dark point at my life and it was so so helpful. My partner is absolutely wonderful but it came to a point where he just couldn't help me. This is when I called the Samaritans and to talk to an amazingly trained person helped me so much. I really hope you may consider giving them a call. You can really talk about anything you want and need. There is no judgement Xx

Matilda128 · 08/02/2022 18:48

I mean judgement in terms of topics- big/small and so on. I thought I was silly calling them as I didn't think I deserved help or other people's time (I'm not implying you should feel like this- I think you deserve all the love and support in the world) but they were so clear that anyone can call at any time x

Original poster
Newdreams · 08/02/2022 19:15

I am so sorry.
I am fine I don't think I need to speak to anyone I just need to do something but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ChristmasPlanning · 08/02/2022 19:44

OP your family love you and want to help. Think of it this way, if it was your DH you would help him.

You are grieving, you need to be kind to yourself. You need to rest, you need space to rest. DS being in nursery will give you time to do that. Plus he'll love having little friends to play with, then he'll come home and give you cuddles