Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

Just wanted to update and say thank you to all who suggested I called Arc. I finally built up the courage to call them today the lady I spoke to was lovely I just really cried for about 20 minutes. Today been a hard day the hospital called to confirm my appointment for tomorrow morning to start the termination process I have been a inconsolable since. I am so nervous and anxious and desperately sad I don't want to stop feeling my baby move inside me but I know there's no hope either.

I actually cannot imagine the pain mentally and physically you are going through...just be certain that you are doing this because you love this little being so much that you dont want him/ her to suffer .Am so sorry..shall be thinking of you tomorrow 💕💔💕

Newdreams when you think of a "good mother" what do you see? A woman who puts her children's needs before her own?

That is what you are doing. You are protecting your baby from suffering even though that brave decision will cause you suffering.

You are quite wrong, though - you are not failing to nurture your little one - providing what the baby needs is the very definition of nurturing.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and I am sure that the hospital take very good care of you and your baby tomorrow.

Sending so much love ❤❤❤.

Thank you for messages my chest feels so tight can't seem to catch breath. It hit me last night it will be the last night I lie in bed with this baby wriggling away inside me. I can't imagine taking the pills today but also know its for the right reasons it's so cruel. Took us sooo long to get pregnant who knows if it will ever happen again but at this moment it doesn't feel like the pain will get easier.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending you lots of love today

It is a cruel situation, New but you are not being cruel. You are being kind, you want your baby to be safe from suffering.

It's unfair and impossibly sad that some mothers don't get to hold their baby, or see them smile. Doesn't make us less of a mother.

There are random strangers thinking of you and your family and wishing things were different for you.

I hope things are going smoothly. I'm so sorry.

Dear OP - I'm so sorry to hear the situation you are in. You will be in profound shock - it is so much to take in and process.

I have not been in your position but I did lose my first pregnancy at 17 weeks when at my first (delayed) scan they discovered that the baby had died in the womb. At that point we didn't know the cause. I was sent home and then came back the next day to be induced to give birth. In the end I also had to have a D&C to ensure all materials, placenta etc were removed. I'm sorry if I've put that inelegantly. It is hard to write.

The staff were incredibly kind and sensitive. I opted not to view the baby or to give it a name. Later analysis showed it was Patau's syndrome - a trisonomy with no expectation of sustainable life. I think the decision not to see the baby was the right one in the circumstances.

Of course nature taking its course meant I wasn't in the position to have to make a choice about interventions. The shock and pain was visceral however and I would personally say that whatever path you take it will be the same, so please don't agonise too much about doing the right thing. Take medical advice and follow whatever route works for you. Do not listen to anyone who tells you what you ought to do - they are not in your shoes. In my experience everyone was very kind and supportive - particularly those who spoke directly to me about it rather than avoided the subject. In the end an unsustainable life however much wanted is unsustainable and we cannot control nature. It is the ebb and glow of nature. The fact that you have to make this decision is actually no decision at all - nature has decided.

One midwife said to me something I found very comforting. We all have an allotted time on this earth - some have long lives and some very short ones. Your baby sadly only had a very short time, but they were valued and loved.

I'm sorry if anything I have written is insensitive. It's a long time ago but it is no less significant part of my life. I got pregnant quite quickly after mine as there was no genetic or biological reason for the trisonomy. I now have a beautiful 21 year old daughter who would not exist if my first baby (boy) had been born. I wish you well. I know not everyone is so fortunate but we cross each bridge as we come to it.

Thinking of you love xxx

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and love it is much appreciated.

I have just got home after taking first set of medication due to be admitted on Sunday morning to continue the process.

I feel numb and in pain it's the most weirdest feeling i have ever felt. Swallowing that tablet was the hardest thing I have done especially as I could feel baby moving as I took it. I can't explain how hard this is.

I feel undone if that makes sense totally broken I don't know how I will get through Sunday and the days to come right now I feel like I forgotten how to breathe. My chest so tight and breath caught in throat. The drs and midwifes have been soo kind I can't fault them.

In My head I know this best decision for us and the unborn baby I know I couldn't bear to see it suffering or in pain after going full term and being born knowing there was nothing we could do to keep baby alive but it's so cruel having to take this decision. My heart feels broken and I will miss this baby so much it provided me such light in my moments of darkness. The positive test came at a moment when I was so undone with trying to conceive.

It's not the done thing on MN, but no one's watching, quick, come here.

It is an unexplainable feeling - that even if you KNOW it is the right thing to do, it feels impossibly, unimaginably cruel to be forced to participate in an active decision to end your pregnancy. This is the hardest part. And the immediate days after - you will feel bereft - and it is made worse by the hormone crash. I say this to prepare you, I am one week out from mine and even though I know the decision was the right one, the sense of loss and guilt and aching loneliness in my own body has completely rocked me. However, hold on. Hold on because each day it gets a tiny bit easier and I hope it gets even easier in the weeks ahead. Your baby will always be with you and you are going through this pain now for them, so that they do not suffer. Sending you so so much solidarity and love.

@Leaf86

It is an unexplainable feeling - that even if you KNOW it is the right thing to do, it feels impossibly, unimaginably cruel to be forced to participate in an active decision to end your pregnancy. This is the hardest part. And the immediate days after - you will feel bereft - and it is made worse by the hormone crash. I say this to prepare you, I am one week out from mine and even though I know the decision was the right one, the sense of loss and guilt and aching loneliness in my own body has completely rocked me. However, hold on. Hold on because each day it gets a tiny bit easier and I hope it gets even easier in the weeks ahead. Your baby will always be with you and you are going through this pain now for them, so that they do not suffer. Sending you so so much solidarity and love.

I am so sorry you have gone through this and I really hope and pray it gets easier for you.
I keep trying to prepare myself for this but it's impossible to prepare for these feelings of utter brokenness.
Feel totally drained if that makes sense just emotionally broken I don't know how I will get through just looking at my ds now whose head is on my stomach wondering if baby knows we love them.

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Even I, from afar, have tears in my eyes reading your updates. Sending huge hugs and a hand hold.

@TJworried

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Even I, from afar, have tears in my eyes reading your updates. Sending huge hugs and a hand hold.

Thank you. I feel like I can't talk irl to anyone bar my dh so this thread has kept me going. I'm alternating between minutes of crying and minutes of total numbness.

Sending you a big hug. We are by your side through this terrible time.

@ChateauMargaux

Sending you a big hug. We are by your side through this terrible time.

Thank you.

Will the tablets I took today cause pain to the baby it's just occurred to me I didn't even ask? How could I not ask if it stops the pregnancy hormone to baby will it cause pain to the baby I'm so scared baby will be I'm pain I'm so sorry.

I lost my baby ds at 24wks a couple of months ago due to hypoplastic left heart syndrome and ventriculomegaly. His heart was too broken for surgery. He would of been born in just under 5wks and I'm dreading his due date but I know my oh and I did the right thing for him as we didn't want him to suffer in his case pointless surgeries. My 7yo ds talks about his baby brother all the time and it's comforting. We told him he is in the sun and comes out when it's sunny and when it's raining he is at the swimming pool splashing about in the water. Rainbows are our favourite as he comes to say hello

I had a amniocentesis to terminate the pregnancy and then a course of tablets to get things going that was the Friday and I had him on the Sunday night. Sending you massive hugs

I don't think the baby will be in pain, New, no.

The baby is warm and cosy with your familiar sounds and sensations. Once the pregnancy hormone stops then the growing will stop, well, we are not aware of growing anyway - so I don't think it would hurt if it stopped. But, I am guessing.

Why don't you have a look at the ARC forum? The phone line won't be open at the weekend but there will be posts or women on there who will know.

Hang in there.

I know it won't feel like it now New, but just to give you a glimmer of hope...time really is a healer and we are stronger than we think we are. I initially couldn't deal with my loss at all, cried every day, felt my heart breaking every moment I thought about my baby, felt so empty inside, but now 7 months on, it's still very painful to think about, but I mostly just remember my baby with love. I'll always be my baby's mother and my baby will always live in my heart despite never making it to my arms. However many children I have, I'll always count my little one among those whose mummy I am. Time will also begin to heal you lovely, so don't try to force yourself to "cope" right now- you are entitled to feel how you feel and to cry if you want, you're losing a part of yourself, that has never been, and will never be, easy for any mother 💔.

Hope you are getting the support you need and everyone here has you in their thoughts too xxx

@GirlMama21

I know it won't feel like it now New, but just to give you a glimmer of hope...time really is a healer and we are stronger than we think we are. I initially couldn't deal with my loss at all, cried every day, felt my heart breaking every moment I thought about my baby, felt so empty inside, but now 7 months on, it's still very painful to think about, but I mostly just remember my baby with love. I'll always be my baby's mother and my baby will always live in my heart despite never making it to my arms. However many children I have, I'll always count my little one among those whose mummy I am. Time will also begin to heal you lovely, so don't try to force yourself to "cope" right now- you are entitled to feel how you feel and to cry if you want, you're losing a part of yourself, that has never been, and will never be, easy for any mother 💔.

Hope you are getting the support you need and everyone here has you in their thoughts too xxx

Thank you it's really comforting to hear those words from people who have been through this and similar experiences. Right now I feel like someone has ripped out my insides not sure how I will manage tomorrow when my baby actually leaves me. Thank you to everyone on this thread in my darkest moments you all helped me and kept me going offered advice and shared your own heartbreaks and I'm truly sorry if I have offended anyone on this thread by describing these feelings but thank you.

I read that your baby does not have the ability to feel pain at this point in the pregnancy. That's something that I've had to remind myself during dark moments. We're going through pain so they don't have to. The arc forum is incredibly supportive. Sending so much love.

Your babies whole life has literally being surrounded by his mum's warmth and love. Sending you so much love and strength.