Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

I hope I'm saying this the right way op, but congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I just wanted to acknowledge that she was here, a real person, she matters. I'm also so sorry for your loss of her.

I hope you are getting to spend time with her, but are also getting some rest. Thinking of you all.

I’m so sorry for all the ladies on this thread and also proud of you all for your strength. I’m going to light a candle too just now for all your babies and send you all hopes and best wishes for brighter times

@Newdreams
How are you today? A ridiculous question, I know. But are you coping ok?

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I left my baby behind in hospital and I am home I don't know how I am supposed to carry on it sounds crazy but I still feel her in me I'm scared to mention it to anyone irl because they will think I have gone mad but I can feel her. I miss her so much she was so cold when I kissed her bye I just wanted to warm her up but I can't I'm sorry.

@Newdreams ... she is still with you in a way, she will always be part of your family and your story. You loved her, she felt loved and even though this suffering is immense, she was loved and love is what matters, full stop.

It is very difficult to speak to people in real life, because those thoughts that we have in our heads become real and have a life of their own when we speak them. We don't know what other people will say and sometimes we humans come out with the most god dammed awful things at the wrong moment that can somehow never be taken back. When the idiots around you say the wrong thing... put an invisible barrier between you and them to protect you from the hurt of their thoughtlessness and only let the love through.

Writing it is easier and if this is at all useful, continue to use this space for as long as you need it. If you have a trusted friend who you know will nod and say yes.. or your husband or may be in time, a counsellor.. maybe you will be able to talk about how you feel but there is no schedule, no pathway, no check list.

For now, you are here and you take one step at a time.

@Newdreams

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I left my baby behind in hospital and I am home I don't know how I am supposed to carry on it sounds crazy but I still feel her in me I'm scared to mention it to anyone irl because they will think I have gone mad but I can feel her. I miss her so much she was so cold when I kissed her bye I just wanted to warm her up but I can't I'm sorry.

The cold is devastating, isn't it.

You're not supposed to be doing anything at the moment apart from existing. You don't need to do anything.

Sleep, and cry, and try to eat and drink something. Curl up on the sofa and watch telly, but you don't need to try to be over it, or not sad, or ok to go about your day. This is still very raw and fresh, and it will get easier, but for now you just need to care for yourself and grieve and be sad for what you had wanted and expected and didn't come true.

It's absolutely heartbreaking, and you are allowed to be heartbroken. I really feel for you - I remember this part. I really feel for you.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little girl. Sitting reading this thread in tears. You've done the most loving thing you could and I'm sure your baby knows how loved she was. Sending love and hugs.

You've got to ride it out, @Newdreams. It sucks.

Try to eat and try to sleep and just feel your feelings.

It's not crazy to still feel her in you. I think many of us do, for the rest of our days, at that funny point between waking and sleeping. If "muscle memory" is a thing then why should "womb memory" not be?

That phrase womb memory has struck me to the core... our womb is a special place that cradles and grows our baby, it is a life force more powerful than anything on earth.

Hi @Newdreams

I've followed this thread since you first posted it and haven't had anything useful to say, hence I haven't posted until now.

I've read everything you've said very carefully and am absolutely heartbroken for you. I went through something similar (in a way) in 2019 when my twin son and daughter were born sleeping at 19 weeks. I didn't have to go through a termination for medical reasons - I started bleeding so went to hospital for a scan and they found both their hearts had stopped beating. Like you, I was given a tablet to induce labour and return in 48 hours if nothing was happening but my waters broke early next morning and we had to call 999 and ask for an ambulance (as instructed by the hospital). Not long after we arrived, I delivered our babies on the bereavement maternity suite.

We chose not to see them or hold them - we were in shock and traumatised. Part of me regrets that now but we could only do what we felt was right for us at that time, in that moment. We did return to the hospital later on to see them in the Chapel of Rest but we never held them. As we were leaving, I kissed my two fingers and gently rested one finger on each of their heads. That was the only contact I ever had with them. The fact that you chose to - and had the opportunity to - hold, cuddle and kiss your beautiful daughter is the most precious thing on Earth. She passed away in your arms where she belonged, and she WILL have felt your love and complete adoration for her.

I'd be lying if I said it gets easier. It doesn't, but your life will grow around her. You'll never forget your baby or how you are feeling right now and it sounds like the most infuriating cliche but time does heal and you will carry your daughter in your heart until the end of time. Don't give up.

Sending you so much love and strength to get through the coming days and weeks, you'll never even know.

We're all thinking of you here on MN. Keep talking if that's what you'd like to do.

I just feel so empty without her. Coming home after giving birth but no baby to show no baby to hold. I don't want to talk to anyone irl I feel like I'm slipping into bad ways but I just don't want to be around anyone but my son and dh is that weird I don't think anyone understands but it's so hard to explain I just want to go back to early pregnancy when she was ok. I miss her I'm so sorry for being like this but I miss her so much.

You will always miss her, and think about her everyday. It's totally normal to feel the way you do and you need to take time for yourself now.

@Halli2020

You will always miss her, and think about her everyday. It's totally normal to feel the way you do and you need to take time for yourself now.

I don't know how to I can't sleep I'm so tired but can't sleep I actually want to sleep just to forget this pain for a little while but I just can't switch off.

I hope you got a little sleep and take time today to nap if you can. Leaving the hospital is absolutely heartbreaking and without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. You are in our thoughts. Do tell us about your baby if you'd like to.

I didn't have time to read the whole thread just skimmed read, but I felt compelled to write. I had a termination for abnormalities at 22 weeks, 12 years ago. I remember so well the grief, the anger, the raw pain. We have a lovely DS, 10. Your baby will always be with you, she will be the reason you will look at life and parent differently from now on. I found losing my baby girl split my whole world into before and after. The pain will lessen, in time it will become acceptance, but for now just allow yourself to cry, and feel whatever you need to feel. Regarding your MIL, I think it's a generational thing, not an excuse but an explanation. You are so vulnerable now, avoid her for a while while you heal.
You are a good mum, as a mum you feel guilt whatever you do, but you had to make an awful decision and were dealt some awful cards. You did your best for both your DD and your DS, and I do think it was the kindest thing to do, albeit terribly painful. Sending you much love.

Thank you for all the kind words on this thread. Haven't managed to get any sleep everytime I closed my eyes I just see my daughter. She looked so much like my son in terms of features definitely has his button nose. There so much pain in my heart today we have arranged a small funeral today we wanted it small and simple just for immediate family but the pain feels unreal. I'm so scared I will forget her does that make me bad mum I'm scared I won't remember her her smell her tiny hands.

You will never forget her. The pain will be different, it will shift, but you will never forget. Take comfort in that, you don't need to feel guilty if you smile again or have happy moments in the future, your DD will always be with you. You don't need the raw pain to remember her - although it's very raw at the moment, it will shift, it will shape you, it will become part of who you are - not in a horrible, morbid way, but in a strangely comforting one.
I found it very comforting to say her name and not refer to her as "the baby". This was me, however, no right or wrong way, the most important thing is she was and is very much loved and is a part of your family.
I hope the funeral brings you peace.

Hello @Newdreams I am reading along with you on your journey and thinking of you. It sounds very natural that you just want to be with your DH and DS and not have to interact with others for the time being. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I so hope that the funeral today is helpful. Keep posting and talking here as long as you want to. So many amazing people on here to walk with you.

I hope the funeral is comforting for you and your family.

You are her mother - we don't forget our babies, no matter how briefly we knew them. Some of them were only as much as a stripe on a pregnancy test, but we don't ever forget them.

I just feel so broken. The funeral went beautifully exactly how I wanted it small and personal. Saying goodbye has left me broken I feel like my whole body is in physical pain. My stomach physically hurting like she has been ripped out of me all over again I'm sorry if this is to much but without this thread or this release I don't think I would be here. My dh is totally broken like me today family have been so amazing but I just want to be left alone. Ds is struggling has been having melt downs all day think it's too much for him I don't know how to ease and settle him. I seem to have forgotten the basics. My eyes are so tired but I can't get my daughter away from my eyes I can't seem to shut off. Dh wants me to see gp tomorrow but I just want to stay at home. My old csection scar in pain too today I don't even know if the pain is in my head or if its actually there I can't seem to separate the two. I been watching the sky turn black tonight thinking she all alone in the cold ground now I won't forget her I will try and remember everything her tiny hands and feet her face her smell I love her so much it hurts to think she alone now. I am so sorry.

Here, reading and listening.. sending love.

I'm glad the service was beautiful. That's lovely.

Would it help to reframe her body being alone now to what her experience of life was? She knew nothing other than love for her whole life. She was never afraid or in pain or cold or alone for a single second.

You gave her that. She only knew love for her entire life.

How lovely for her. How brave of you.

Sending you so much love ❤❤❤.
You are so incredibly brave and your daughter would be so proud of her mummy xxx