DS head teacher making my anxiety sky rocket

[MrsArchchancellorRidcully]

I'll try to keep this brief. I am a member of a private closed group on fb. I use it to let of steam and rant about stuff that I'd never put on main fb. My account is private but I occasionally post on public groups but keep things very blasé.

I ranted on the private group about my DS being upset that his after school club was being cancelled till new year (an outdoor club at that).

I speculated on a friends post that schools may close early for Xmas again. But in a very innocuous way.

DS head (primary) has emailed me asking to call him about a social media post that's been brought to my attention. I've emailed back saying I'm really busy in work (I am) and can he email me his query.

' No' he emailed. 'Ring me In January!!!!'

I'm now so anxious about what he wants. I'm even nervous to post here in case his spies are out. I can't see what it could be as my rants are all on locked groups.

DH says ignore or just tell him my posts are personal to me and nothing to do with him.

Can anyone give me some reassurance?

I would ignore it completely and stop worrying about it.

It's clearly not serious if he's happy to wait until January. If he's miffed at your (misjudged) personal comments expressed on a supposedly private forum, he'll get over it by then.

I wouldn't call him the 'dementor head' again but tbh that's the sort of idiotic comment from parents which is best ignored. Especially since he must have a spy to have learnt about it in the first place.

If he does try to tell you off about it, demand that he reveals his sources .

The group is a national closed group dedicated to getting schools back to normal after the pandemic. I did not name the school nor the head nor any member of staff. I did call the head the 'dementor head'
🙄

It doesn't matter what you call him if he and the school are not identifiable

They are identifiable if it has got back to him.

You vented in public. You are being called on it. Kinda natural consequences I’m afraid. The head will be really exhausted after a hard term. You are not what he/she needs this close to Christmas. Poor thing.

So I think the adult thing to do it suck it up, ring him, apologise and move on. Job done.

Honestly OP, just email back and say that you're not prepared to discuss whatever this is over the phone. Either he can email you or you consider the matter to be closed.

As others have said, he's not your head/boss, you didn't name him, so you have nothing to answer.

My DC's headteacher had spies at all the usual after school clubs. The deputy head used to call in at clubs if she had had a whiff of unrest amongst school parents to gauge what people were saying about the school.

The head would regularly post on local facebook telling people that if they had an issue with the school they were to ring her not talk about it on FB. She clearly thought she could control public opinion of her and suppress free speech. No wonder a lot of us have such a low opinion of her even years after our DC have finished with that school.

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

I felt the group was a safe space to discuss issues. I had no idea someone would screenshot my post. The group is a national closed group dedicated to getting schools back to normal after the pandemic. I did not name the school nor the head nor any member of staff. I did call the head the 'dementor head' I feel the head takes things way to far to keep everyone safe. He closed football club yet all the other schools continue to hold it and run after school tournaments. My son is a talented footballer and would benefit from playing in these tournaments but our school has to go one further and close down sports for the children.

That's literally all I could think he's steaming about.

I am suggesting this because of the fact that you have anxiety and it's causing you more anxiety. Unless you can take about 10 deep breaths and pick up the phone and do it yourself, have your DH call him.

Just get this out of the way. It's only going to feel worse if you ignore it.

I 100% get not wanting to make calls like this. But what's the worst that can happen? He yells at you? He can't do anything bad to you! He's not your boss, your spouse or your parent.

He's an authority, but he has zero authority over you. I would be prepared to tell him you are shocked that he would feel he had the right to comment on private conversation; that whomever has given him this info should be removed from the group; that he needs to worry more about his responsibilities and less about the comments from the peanut gallery.

A pity your ‘anxiety’ didn’t stop you insulting the head on a public forum.

Could it be the part where you commented on the friends post about schools closing early? That’s why Call me in January!!! Depending on friend’s privacy settings someone could have seen it I suppose. It seems a bit of a storm in a teacup. I’d forget about and wouldn’t call him back. If it’s that bad he can call you, it’ll all be forgotten by then I’m sure.

And for the record, I never said anything in public, but was a witness to others justified dissatisfaction with the school.

You thought UsForThem was private? Oh bless.

Not seeing the problem here. You bad mouthed him on a national forum and now he wants to talk about your comments. You are too chicken to talk to him and he cant make you. What you want is him to ignore it because it makes you uncomfortable (so awkward when the target of your spleen finds out, isnt it?)

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights

Just ring him.

He's not making your anxiety skyrocket! YOU are, and you can control it by just phoning him.

Remember he's your sons HT, not yours!!

I agree with this. It’s also clearly a non-issue if it can wait till January.

And people are always entitled to their opinions - no head however stern can call a moratorium on that. But the subjects of those opinions also have a right of reply and since schools and teachers can’t do that in the Facebook groups themselves, having an adult discussion about it over the phone doesn’t seem like the end of the world to me.

I think you need to suck it up and call him as you are an adult.

And maybe in future don’t rant on Facebook anything you wouldn’t be prepared to say to someone face to face.

It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about phoning, I would too, but better to get it over with sooner rather than later. You may be able to get your point across more calmly person to person?

Personally, people who rant on Facebook are a bugbear of mine. Have the courage to speak directly or speak face to face with a friend or family member instead next time...

I wouldn't worry. You're not one of his pupils, and are free to post what you like on social media regardless of whether he likes it not

If he has a problem with something you've written in a FB group tell him to joint he group and vent his displeasure on there. Tell him, it's private you know!!

On the other hand ask your DH to ring the head as you're indisposed till easter.

I know anxiety can be crippling, op. Just remember you're not in a court
of law and the H isn't your judge. Don't reply if it
bothers you and just forget about it. Like he will have forgotten
about it by January.

This post is in MH and a lot of posters are whipping OP up into a bit of a frenzy. I don't think posters calling the head names and second guessing stuff is helpful.

I'd reply to the email asking him to clarify what the issues is. Let him know you find phone calls make you anxious and you would rather communicate via email. I can't see why he wouldn't. I am surprised he doesn't prefer email : it's clearer and not time sensitive and means he doesn't himslef have tot kae tiem out of a busy work schedule on the phone.

There may be nothing to this, OP. He may just want to outline some issues.

I do know how you feel. I used to have a boss who sent emails saying 'Piggy, call me/ come and see me when you have a moment' and never said why. I always felt in trouble . Eventually I told him that he needed to outline the reason as this made me defensive and anxious.

@kittensinthekitchen

You thought UsForThem was private? Oh bless.

Oh..... of course. Silly me!

I have mental health problems and I hate using the phone. If anything, I prefer to deal in person.

But people on here telling you to not ring are doing you no favours and you know that. Not being able to use the phone through anxiety is a pain and avoiding using it just adds to the anxiety rather than easing it. You really have to grit your teeth, tell yourself this is an everyday, easy thing to do and dial the number. Once you're on the phone, committed, it'll be easier. He won't be rude.

Anxiety is not helped by ignoring the issues only by repeatedly facing them to realise there's nothing actually to be afraid of. Put it on your list, take a deep breath. And ring. You can do it.

He has no right to demand you call him. My response would be:

Dear DickHEAD,

I am not sure if that last email was meant for me, if so I find your response extremely inappropriate and unprofessional. I have asked if you wish to discuss something with me to put it in writing, I do not see this as unreasonable.

If you have something to discuss with me regarding my child please put everything in writing so I can keep a record of it.

As for social media, I wasn’t aware I had posted anything in any of the schools social media forums, can you please let me know what you are referring to so I can check, again I ask for this to be done in writing.

If you do not wish to respond in writing, can you please explain why?

I’d also cc the chair of governors in the email and your DH too so he will have no option but to respond appropriately.

Do not let him bully you, he is the head teacher at your child’s school nothing more, he has no right to tell you off about anything.

There will probably be someone along to say I'm wrong and you should keep a cool head, but if you're terrified of speaking on the phone, I'd try to lessen my fear by stoking my inner flame of righteous indignation. If this is what he wants to speak about (and it could be something else entirely!), how immature of him! You're an adult. You're allowed to have opinions and voice them. He, likewise, is an adult, doing a job in which he is bound to annoy or anger people. It's part of the job! There's nothing he can do, really.

I'd have a response or two prepared, to be given based on what he says. All you have to do is acknowledge what he's said, then say you understand his position. You can apologise or not. I'd do whatever I thought would be best for my child, then move on.

Or ignore him and leave the next move to him.

Wait, are you paraphrasing or did he write “no. Ring me in January!!!!”.

If that is how he worded it I’d email and say that given the tone of his email you’re not comfortable speaking to him over the phone.

Anxiety is the pits.

If you prefer not to take calls because of your anxiety, you can still let him know you are only able to communicate via email. I'd be prepared to apologise if need be. I would delete your post, and anonymise your participation in the group. Then that is an end to it.

@AliceMcK

He has no right to demand you call him. My response would be:

Dear DickHEAD,

I am not sure if that last email was meant for me, if so I find your response extremely inappropriate and unprofessional. I have asked if you wish to discuss something with me to put it in writing, I do not see this as unreasonable.

If you have something to discuss with me regarding my child please put everything in writing so I can keep a record of it.

As for social media, I wasn’t aware I had posted anything in any of the schools social media forums, can you please let me know what you are referring to so I can check, again I ask for this to be done in writing.

If you do not wish to respond in writing, can you please explain why?

I’d also cc the chair of governors in the email and your DH too so he will have no option but to respond appropriately.

Do not let him bully you, he is the head teacher at your child’s school nothing more, he has no right to tell you off about anything.

Wow, bet your kid’s teachers love you!

#thatparent