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Original poster

DS head teacher making my anxiety sky rocket

317 replies

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/12/2021 11:50

I'll try to keep this brief. I am a member of a private closed group on fb. I use it to let of steam and rant about stuff that I'd never put on main fb. My account is private but I occasionally post on public groups but keep things very blasé.

I ranted on the private group about my DS being upset that his after school club was being cancelled till new year (an outdoor club at that).

I speculated on a friends post that schools may close early for Xmas again. But in a very innocuous way.

DS head (primary) has emailed me asking to call him about a social media post that's been brought to my attention. I've emailed back saying I'm really busy in work (I am) and can he email me his query.

' No' he emailed. 'Ring me In January!!!!'

I'm now so anxious about what he wants. I'm even nervous to post here in case his spies are out. I can't see what it could be as my rants are all on locked groups.

DH says ignore or just tell him my posts are personal to me and nothing to do with him.

Can anyone give me some reassurance?

OP posts:
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 09/12/2021 12:48

Just ring him.

He's not making your anxiety skyrocket! YOU are, and you can control it by just phoning him.

Remember he's your sons HT, not yours!!

jazzandh · 09/12/2021 12:48

If you were irritated enough to post on FB about something regardless of the group, then stand by your opinion.

If it affects your son why shouldn't you talk about it - equally if the head wants to discuss it - tell him why it has annoyed you.

I can't see given what you have said above that there should be any issue about this at all.

My sons school's HM hates whatsapp groups (and has teacher spies in them) because there can be criticism that he can't address. the problem is, you can discuss something privately with him and then it can be ignored as you do not have any idea if others feel the same way.

Some heads can be quite autocratic!

Iamnotthe1 · 09/12/2021 12:48

Restricted membership groups aren't private spaces. When you post something online, even in a "private" group, it's akin to publishing it or shouting it over a PA in a public space. Ranting in a group, "private" or not, is not the same as having a quiet moan to a mate over a cup of coffee.

Don't ignore it: call the headteacher and discuss it.

Daisyv2 · 09/12/2021 12:49

You could always deny anything and say it's a fake account Grin

FilledSoda · 09/12/2021 12:50

I had to reread your post to check if he wasn't your boss .
What hold does he have to make you react like that ?
You need to calm down .
I bet it's nothing , it's clearly not urgent and if it is your rant about the outdoor activity , well so what ?
You are disappointed, it's okay to just say that .
Check on your group to see if your post had been deleted .

Original poster
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/12/2021 12:50

@LunaLoveFood

But you said you're too busy to talk to him now, which is why he has said January, you can't now complain that you have to wait.

It is either that someone in the private group is unhappy with what you have said and reported it or its a post either made from your son or about him.

Just call him for a chat.

It's easier said than done. Hence this is in mental health. My anxiety is making me unable to do things. I'm terrified to speak to the head. I know I could get this sorted but I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone. 😢
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/12/2021 12:51

@HollyBollyBooBoo

Aren't you allowed an opinion?!
Not really according to this head. H is very domineering.
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/12/2021 12:51

@luverlybubberly

Do you work at the school? I'd assume someone has screenshot and sent him your rant so your locked group isn't as secure as you think. Have you considered leaving the group and only bitching in person if you're this scared?
No. I don't work at the school.
OP posts:
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/12/2021 12:51

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

Thanks but I am terrified. I want to ignore it.

I said nothing on public fb. I moaned about the head removing an outdoor activity for my DS due to covid but that was in a private closed group. Unless he has a spy??

You shouldn't be naming and moaning about individuals on social media. I suspect he thinks it's a poor show and wants to discuss it. Give him a call now so that you don't worry about it the whole Christmas holidays.
luverlybubberly · 09/12/2021 12:51

Unless you lied in your post, I would personally be annoyed that someone secretly grassed me up by sending a screenshot rather than being asked by the head about the screenshot. If he leaving the group too

Geriatric1234 · 09/12/2021 12:52

Private FB groups are no more private than public FB due to screenshotting.

However, I don't understand why you're so worried. He isn't your boss/friend. You said you haven't named school/teachers, and your DH is correct, you're allowed to post whatever you like.

Think it through - the worst he could say is 'I disagree/don't like what you've posted' and you can say 'okay, it's what I think/feel.' Am I missing something or is there more to this?

Also: just phone him back.

Auntieobem · 09/12/2021 12:56

@ThePlantsitter

Well he's not your headteacher is he. He can't actually tell you off about anything! He can ask you to take a post down and that's it. Obviously you don't wnat to fall out with your kid's school but he's not in charge of you!
This. He's treating you like one of the pupils. If he wants to speak to you then he can call you.
Curioushorse · 09/12/2021 12:57

Ah.

I mean this in the nicest way- but you're responsible for your own anxiety in this situation. You're the one saying you can't speak to him. If you don't talk to him ASAP, you'll just sweat over it all Christmas and make yourself feel worse. I think this would be the best solution for you- but perhaps mention it in your email. A head would treat that sensitively.

He won't give you a bollocking because you're a parent, and he's also clearly not that bothered if he's happy to leave it up there until January. But you also haven't made yourself look great. You have slagged off the school to a large group of people, in writing (for something that you'd have been better off talking to them about first).

Forestdweller11 · 09/12/2021 12:57

I think you just need to ring. I can remember having to speak to the head of my DCs infant school for the first time in year 1 . I was terrified. Took me right back to school. But actually once I'd done it it was fine. Was treated like an adult (which I must admit did surprise me). What is the head going to do? Ask you not to post in facebook but to approach the school first probably?

As others have said FB private groups aren't places to vent. So easy to take screen shots, share etc or for there to be a friend or relative passing in info.

GiltEdges · 09/12/2021 12:58

Well it's obviously possible that someone in the group is also familiar with the school and recognises you/the issue you're referring to, and has reported what you've said back to the head. That said, I don't really see the issue if what you posted was factual.

In any case, I'd respond to the head that you don't appreciate the tone of his email and unless he'd like to rephrase it / explain what the issue is, you'll be reporting his inappropriate conduct to the board of governors*. Then follow through and do it.

*I say that as a school governor who's involved in annual performance appraisals for the head teacher and this is the type of incident I'd be very interested to hear about.

WildFlowerBees · 09/12/2021 12:59

I wouldn't be calling him! If it's that important he can email with a follow up call. Who does he think he is?!

You're entitled to an opinion op, ignore and carry on.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2021 13:01

If he knows what you pester about and he is not in a hurry to speak to you then he probably just wants to outline his reasons for cancelling the group.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 09/12/2021 13:01

What a petty little man.

Send a reply straight back.

'If the matter lacks such urgency that it can wait until the new year, what is the reasoning for you drawing the matter to my attention? As I'm sure you can agree, Christmas is an exponentially hectic time both professionally and personally and liaising over email would be my most direct method of communication. Feel free to contact me should you change your mind.'

He wants you to come crawling to him, don't. It's a petty power play. Our child's headmistress does the same thing. It's maddening.

You are allowed to have opinions over social media and the headmaster has absolutely no grounds to contact you about it unless you defame the school in a direct manner.

itwasntaparty · 09/12/2021 13:06

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

Thanks but I am terrified. I want to ignore it.

I said nothing on public fb. I moaned about the head removing an outdoor activity for my DS due to covid but that was in a private closed group. Unless he has a spy??

Of course he'll have a spy!! Just call and ask to speak when you 5 mins.
Thefaceofboe · 09/12/2021 13:08

What is the closed group? Has it got other parents in?

Iwonder08 · 09/12/2021 13:16

OP, you are an adult! He is not your headteacher and can't tell you off. He should be nervous talking to a parent, not the other way around Smile

WarmWinterSun · 09/12/2021 13:16

OP, I think by saying "ring me in January" he may have meant to say you should call him in January if you're too busy for a call in December. Some things aren't expressed easily over email and he may have felt that it was better to have a call than to engage in a back and forth over email. I think he is absolutely right about that and it shows good judgment.

I'd just pick up the phone and resolve it.

My DD's school has spoken to parents on a few occasions when it has become aware of posts in closed social media groups about school issues where the social media posts wind everyone up or create confusion. It can start with an innocent post, but then can spiral. Each time the school has gently encouraged parents to speak to them directly with questions and concerns. I support this school in this - if there is a problem, it's best to try to resolve it with the school directly rather than allowing a big issue to build up behind the scenes.

OP, the best thing for your mental health is just to get this over with. It probably will all be fine.

Paddingtonthebear · 09/12/2021 13:19

What are you terrified about?

If that’s all you have said it’s strange how he knows or why he is even call you even if he does know. It’s not really any of his business. I would probably grab 5 mins and call him to find out what the issue is. It could well be a different thing entirely that he needs to talk to you about .

Paddingtonthebear · 09/12/2021 13:20

This all seems a bit dramatic tbh

WarmWinterSun · 09/12/2021 13:23

@Arethechildreninbedyet

I don't see his message as a petty power play. I think it makes good sense to find a time to speak to a parent if an issue arises. It's really easy to get the tone wrong over email. It must be incredibly difficult running a school and even more so at the moment. Part of the head's role is to manage relationships with parents and the best way to do this is by talking to them.

I hope the OP doesn't follow this advice as it seems oddly defensive.