I've been thinking a lot about how to kill myself

[Notgettingbetter]

I don't want to be alive. There is a way I could kill myself that could probably pass as an accident. I have a young daughter. I don't want her to ever know I killed myself deliberately. I know my death would hurt her terribly anyway, but I know suicide would bring so many other difficult feelings for her. She's only four so she wouldn't remember me. Hopefully her dad would eventually find someone else to love and maybe my daughter would come to think of her as Mummy. Not Mama. It breaks my heart when I think of her calling someone else Mama. I am her Mama. But I am broken and so weary. I don't want to exist like this. I'm seeing my counsellor in a short while. What will she do if I tell her I'm suicidal? I don't want to go to A&E. It won't help. They will just make me sit around for a few hours and then send me home.

Years ago I heard a young girl talk about her mother’s suicide. She wanted to tell other mothers not to leave their children alone like this. She thought that if she made a difference to just one child whose mother decided not to do this, it would be worth it

Well those stories definitely work. I've had multiple times of being so close, I make myself go online to read the accounts of people whose parents did it, and then I just can't bring myself to do it to my kids.

@SisyphusDad

Thank you for that quote. It has helped. It reminded be of how I read a lot of novels as a child and teen, where characters survived terrible, long ordeals. And lately I've been feeling like the world is some kind of apocalyptic wasteland, that my loved ones and I are trying to survive in. Maybe in a way it's true - I can perhaps tell myself this is difficult and painful but I'm going to be the hero, that I will keep going, for the people I love.

I think keeping going with mental illness IS heroic. And in the world we're currently living in, even more so x

How are you doing @Notgettingbetter? Have you called someone to chat things through ? Xx

@DaftVader42 the nurse appointed to me called me this afternoon. He's going to speak to the nurse who can prescribe meds because apparently trying to get hold of the psychiatrist is more difficult and could take some time. He also told me to message me whenever I'm struggling.

I'm doing a bit better than I was when I started this thread, though I wish Christmas would just go away!

And I'm seeing my again tomorrow.

That is hopeful, do message them if you need to,,Christmas will soon be over, but take care of yourself 💐

Oh that is good news. Make sure you do message him when you need him. Yep, Christmas is a strange one. Just remember it boils down to roast dinner, watching films and giving gifts. Doesn’t need to be any more than that, and even those are entirely optional 😁. I’ve got my eye on Dec 21st so I can celebrate the days getting longer again , that’s my target !! Xx

Also meds is great news. My friend’s friend had stopped hers. Other friend who is a GP says she always resists taking people off meds in late autumn, as such a hard season …

Well done for being brave enough to talk to strangers on a forum. O really would urge you to tell your counsellor, but also any supportive family and or friends. What I am getting from your message is that the current support from the state is currently not enough. You need far more intensive support to get you through this. Can your friends and family help fill the gaps? Can they help take you out for days out, keep you company, help you with simple tasks? Sometimes a real change of scenery/break from routine is required too.

Hi OP,

I appreciate you're having a really difficult time and it's dark for you at the minute. But I just wanted to say, you write so beautifully, even though it's about your hardships. Have you thought about writing your thoughts and feelings down every day? Maybe each day when you're writing look for something beautiful in your life, then maybe write about your daughter and her quirks and personality, write about the sky and the greenery. Find really little things that may make you smile for a moment.

You sound like a lovely person, your daughter is so lucky to have you, I really hope you know that. To her, you are the only person in the world who matters.

Sending you big hugs and loves, you are doing great just by being you and being here. You can beat this.

Also, I've just read your updates and it takes amazing strength to battle through and ask for help when you're feeling so low. I can't help wondering whether this has been triggered by an illness/fatigue and that there could well be medical reason/cause behind it. My mood is almost always linked to my health. I really feel though that, with the right treatment and time, you will get there. I have had periods of depression in the past and that detached feeling is not nice. I found keeping busy with small tasks such as cooking helped. I also helped a friend out on a farm for a few days and being surrounded by others whilst physically active helped. Helping stack hay bales and rounding up sheep actually helped me focus on the present and gave my head a break. That in turn reassured me that there was some light at the end of the tunnel out there. If there are any opportunities to try something new/similar in a group setting, you might find that it helps you to momentarily switch off. Best of luck OP. X

In my previous post I meant to write I'm seeing my counsellor again tomorrow 🙂

@DaftVader42 I'm mostly getting a bit stressed out that I still need to buy presents for everyone, including quite a few young nieces and nephews, and parcel them up and post them. As for food, were not bothered about the traditional turkey etc - we'll probably have pizza 🙂

I'm also dreading trying to keep my very active and social four year old entertained over the two weeks off school. Lately she complains a lot that being at home is "so boring!"

@Hugoslavia we don't have any friends and family nearby who could really help out in those sorts of ways. What I'd love is to go stay in a little cottage in the middle of nowhere by myself for a couple of weeks - with a load of novels and a couple of art projects to work on. Not possible unfortunately.

@bg92 Thank you so much. In the last few days someone else has also said I should write. I used to journal, years ago but I hated everything I wrote and it made me feel really alone to just write to myself. I actually keep a journal on another website forum, where other people can read it an comment.

@Hugoslavia I'm still thinking about asking the doctor to arrange for me to have an MRI scan. I do think though it was because of a build up of stress thanks to the lockdowns. Also, a lovely friend of mine died under horrific circumstances when my daughter was a young baby and I was suffering with severe sleep deprivation - I think I've had some delayed and what they call "complicated" grief to go through too. I do want to get out and do some practical stuff because I think you're right that that could help - I'm tentatively looking for voluntary work.

And thank you to everyone who has posted - sorry I haven't replied properly to each of you, but please know that I very much appreciate it ❤️

Hi OP,

I'm glad things are looking a bit brighter for you. I rarely post but I couldn't not when I read your post.
My partner took his life 18 months ago after an incredibly brief illness. We had 2 young kids aged 2 & 6 at the time. The heartbreak and trauma he has left behind is indescribable. We will never get over it. I hope some day we will find peace but its hard to see how at the moment.
Every day I wake up and wonder how did this happen. Why did he not talk to me. He knew how much we loved him. One moment of madness took it all away.
Please take all the help you can get and be honest with those who are there for you.
Don't give up.xx

@CCC2 I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be indescribably painful for you. Thank you for posting here ❤️

I apologise for going off on a tangent here, and talking about general mental health provision rather than OP's personal situation - but it IS relevant........
I also apologise to any Mumsnetters on this thread who recognise my username and are bored to death with my posts stating "I used to be a social worker........."
But I was, and worked in the mental health field. And I'm way out of touch as I left social work in the 90's.
I liaised with GP's, psychiatrists, Community Mental Health Nurses, hospital staff.
People having a mental health crisis were seen urgently. GP's and psychiatrists did home visits. OK, sometimes people ended up having to be sectioned, and others wouldn't or couldn't engage with services.
And I'm not suggesting the system was wonderful, no way at all, but at least people were usually seen quickly.
Are there any mental health professionals on this thread?
What's happening out there? I'm seriously interested to know, not to be goady, but to try and understand why people like OP can't get help.
Do we no longer have a functioning NHS/Social Services mental health service?

I suspect I'm going to be told some harsh realities.
OP - PLEASE try to hang on in there. Wish I could help

Sending you love OP. It’s a brutal place to be in but there is an up and and a through it. Just be kind to yourself; be it with a soft blanket and a good book; a walk somewhere that is beautiful or just lying down. You sound an amazing mama and your girl is lucky to have you. It’s all baby steps.. I’m coming out of my darkest hour.. I find writing down daily what I’ve done or thought.. just a sentence or a word some days helps.

You sound so much brighter, and yet grounded in reality.

That week in the cottage does sound heaven...and you know, I am pretty certain it will happen one day, if not as soon as you'd like.

Well known on getting such a great response on counselling and the meds.

Turkey and sprout pizza?? Sounds rather wonderful.

Oh OP I’ve just come across your thread. I have nothing productive to add (for fear of them being useless platitudes), but I am glad you are still here a week on from your first post. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend.

I think it is heroic that you will fight to put your daughter’s needs ahead of your own. I hope when things get brighter you’ll be able to look back and see it. I will be thinking of you all over Christmas. Enjoy your pizza! x

Hi OP
I just wanted to say that these awful feelings are temporary, in time they will go. If you were to do anything extreme your family would never ever be able to get over it.
You sounds very intelligent and have a way with words I always wished that I did.
You are very strong and brave and your daughter is incredibly blessed to have you ❤

Sorry for your loss @CCC2

OP, the way I got through it was to tell myself that the feeling will pass. Try saying it out loud like a mantra Things can’t get worse but they can get better. If I feel bad today, I would tell myself that tomorrow is another day and a fresh start. I would also tell myself that it is the chemicals in my brain making me feel this way. Ask about increasing your dosage of meds or maybe changing to something different if that’s an option.

You sound like a nice person and a great Mum btw Be as kind to yourself as you can.

Is there anyone in real life you could confide in for extra support? People can surprise you in a good way. When I reached out for support after a miscarriage it was incredible the number of people who said they could relate because it had happened to them, and they were very kind and helpful.

I know this post is quite old now but I didn’t want to not comment. I’m feeling excatly the same way right now as Iv truly fucked up and honestly there’s no way out of this apart from suicide but I’m so scared to leave my babies behind. I hate myself more than I ever thought i would!! How are you doing? I pray you have got better and you didn’t do anything stupid. Sending you so much love and support xx

@Stephiluu I've just read your post. I hope you're okay? What makes you think things won't get better? Have you asked for help? I suggest you see your gp and tell them how you feel. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things will get better. Give yourself a chance. You're babies will always wonder whether it was them.

Please hang on for your daughter she loves her mum and you are a wonderful person take it but by bit at this stage lots of cuddles with daughter.