I've been thinking a lot about how to kill myself

[Notgettingbetter]

I don't want to be alive. There is a way I could kill myself that could probably pass as an accident. I have a young daughter. I don't want her to ever know I killed myself deliberately. I know my death would hurt her terribly anyway, but I know suicide would bring so many other difficult feelings for her. She's only four so she wouldn't remember me. Hopefully her dad would eventually find someone else to love and maybe my daughter would come to think of her as Mummy. Not Mama. It breaks my heart when I think of her calling someone else Mama. I am her Mama. But I am broken and so weary. I don't want to exist like this. I'm seeing my counsellor in a short while. What will she do if I tell her I'm suicidal? I don't want to go to A&E. It won't help. They will just make me sit around for a few hours and then send me home.

I’m so sorry I don’t think I have any answer but I wanted to reply.

I’m so sorry you feel this way.
Please do tell your counsellor how you are feeling. I’m not sure what step they may legally be obliged to follow but I do definitely think you should tell someone in real life how you are feeling.

I know many GP’s can be really rubbish in this scenario but I do know there are organisations that you can call/ text who will be able to support you.
I will try and find some now for you.

There are some numbers listed here

Thank you for caring.

I've used various helplines and text services before.

Please tell your counsellor how you're feeling- it might not be easy to do, but you mustn't bear this alone.

You are worthy, and you are loved.

Hey,
I am in the exact same position currently and was terrified yesterday of telling my therapist I was suicidal but I did, and it was fine. I'm a way it was freeing to say it out loud and in detail.
She's given me a prescription for diazepam for a week or so to give me a bit of headspace.

I can't say the same for you, but there was no talk of her sending me to a&e or the mbu, just made sure my husband knew the extent of it, numbers to call in a crisis etc

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it's the worst, heaviest, most agonising experience.
And it doesn't help I know but it IS temporary and you won't always feel like this. Your daughter needs you.

Take care x

Please tell your counsellor, that’s what they are there for and to listen and help you. Well done for even writing it down on here, that’s a great start and protective.
Your daughter wants and needs you, so do you as you want no one else to be called mama.

It's a temporary feeling op. Even if it's been building up for a while, you have no way of knowing how things will be in a month or a year or even just a week. Your daughter needs you though and that's not going to change. Speak to your counsellor. She's there to help.

Please tell your counsellor.

I don't know what she will put in place to help, but she absolutely will help.

You have a broken head. There's no difference to a broken arm, just that's more obvious, and "oh well, that needs a cast". Heads are more tricky. But they are just another body part. You wouldn't think twice about fixing your broken arm if it was causing you pain. Let them help you. You've got this

Hi there,
We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. We can see that Tay17 has been kind enough to show screenshots but we wondered if a link might be good too? Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Years ago I heard a young girl talk about her mother’s suicide. She wanted to tell other mothers not to leave their children alone like this. She thought that if she made a difference to just one child whose mother decided not to do this, it would be worth it.

You are worth it. These feelings will pass. Your daughter needs you, her mama, to stay strong and always there for her as she grows up.

Please talk to your counsellor and keep reaching out for help. You are not alone

Just a message from the other side of your situation- as a close relative of someone who committed suicide, please know that you will absolutely be missed and the pain is unbearable for those left behind also. Please think of your child. The children of my relative have not forgotten nor gotten over it. We are a year in of this grief and we just wish they knew how loved they truly were and how heartbreaking life is without them. Please tell someone asap so you can get some help ❤️

@Notgettingbetter - a the risk of repeating a cliche - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

Please just go round all the help again - do you have medication for severe depression etc - I know it doesn't sound great but it very very very often can work.

Just do what you can and perhaps go back to your doctor and explain the severity of your problem.

I am sorry I can't be of more help - but this I am sure can be helped

Thank you for all the replies. I've been struggling for months. Medication isn't helping. I'm currently on two antidepressants. My counsellor is lovely but it doesn't change how I feel. I'm supposed to be looked after by an NHS mental health team but they don't do much - someone calls me every couple of weeks, asks me to rate my mood from 1 to 10 and makes sure I'm not actively suicidal. Last time I spoke to her she said she was going to try to get me an appointment with one of the doctors (not sure if she meant the team psychiatrist) but that was a week ago and I've not heard back. When I try to call them they never answer the phone. I think the most they could do anyway is review my meds.

I have felt the way you do OP and I can assure you those feelings will pass in time- but like others have said it is important to talk about it and seek help. When I think back now at all the lovely times I would have missed out on I feel so relieved I didn’t do anything. You have beautiful times with your daughter to look forward to in the future- you just can’t envision them yet as you’re not well. Please talk to your councillor and talk to us on here too if it helps. You are not alone

Just finished the session with my counsellor. I cried quite a lot but I didn't specifically say I'm suicidal. I don't know that I really am. I don't want to be dead. I just want to stop hurting and to be able to enjoy anything at all. Life feels so utterly hollow and dark when there's absolutely no pleasure to be had. And I used to be someone who really appreciated all the little things.

The only thing that is stronger than my misery is my love for my daughter. And even with that I find myself trying to find ways to stop caring. Then I could go and live by myself or kill myself. Hopefully one day I'll be glad she gave me a reason to keep going.

I guess I will try to get though the mental health team.

I don't want to be dead. I just want to stop hurting

OP this is a hugely positive step, even from where you were earlier. Please recognise this

Thank you for letting us know how it went. And you aren't ever alone. We're always here.

I think you've had some great insights from other posters, and you can do this. For DD and for you xxx

I emailed the mental health team. I might try to call them tomorrow. Right now my little girl has a cold and needs lots of cuddles.

That's great news OP, do call them tomorrow too, take charge of the situation, don't just wait for them to get back to you.

Hope DD feels better soon, and you xxx

💕

The previous poster beat me to it when she said it’s a massive step you have taken to accept that you want to get better, compared to what you were saying previously. It takes a lot of strength of character to say that so please give yourself some credit. Enjoy your cuddles with your daughter OP x

She's only four so she wouldn't remember me

Oh, she absolutely would, op. I speak from experience. Cuddle your little girl and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll get there in the end - both of you.

I hope the cuddle makes her feel better.
She will always have times in her life where only a mummy cuddle will help.
You must keep fighting.
(I say that as someone who has felt the same as you.)
Please do tell your counsellor and contact the MH services. You deserve to be well.

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Please don’t do anything to yourself. Your daughter needs you. I hope the counselling is helping. You will get through this and have better days 💐

Your baby will always want you, no matter what age she is - please don’t do anything. I hope you get the help you need.

I wouldn't say it's a big step to know that I want to get better. I've wanted that right from the start of this depression back in the spring. I tried to nip it in the bud - immediately found a counsellor and talked to the GP about medication, pushed for a consultation with a psychiatrist (all they could do is put me with a mental health team, one of whom is a psychiatrist but I've never actually spoken to him/her)... I've continued to get out of the house most days, I've carried on seeing friends and interacting with others, I go for walks, I make art... But I'm not getting any better. If anything I'm getting worse. I miss the simplest of life's pleasures. I didn't eat much for a few months - no appetite. Now I keep scoffing chocolate but it might as well be cardboard for all the pleasure it brings me.