I've been thinking a lot about how to kill myself

[Notgettingbetter]

I don't want to be alive. There is a way I could kill myself that could probably pass as an accident. I have a young daughter. I don't want her to ever know I killed myself deliberately. I know my death would hurt her terribly anyway, but I know suicide would bring so many other difficult feelings for her. She's only four so she wouldn't remember me. Hopefully her dad would eventually find someone else to love and maybe my daughter would come to think of her as Mummy. Not Mama. It breaks my heart when I think of her calling someone else Mama. I am her Mama. But I am broken and so weary. I don't want to exist like this. I'm seeing my counsellor in a short while. What will she do if I tell her I'm suicidal? I don't want to go to A&E. It won't help. They will just make me sit around for a few hours and then send me home.

I wouldn't say it's a big step to know that I want to get better.

Now pack it in it's a massive step to go from saying you want to end your life and are thinking about how, to you don't want to end your life, you want to get better. It's huge. Do not deny yourself that recognition.

My advice to you, is that you must take the bull by the horns. If you just wait on emails being replied to, and sit quietly, nothing will speed up.

This is urgent. They need to understand that. Make them understand that. This started 8 months ago and you've still not spoken to the psychiatrist. Get on that phone tomorrow and make yourself heard. Leaving you to struggle for another 8 months is not an option.

You have absolutely got this. And all chocolate tastes like bloody cardboard these days

@Notgettingbetter

I wouldn't say it's a big step to know that I want to get better. I've wanted that right from the start of this depression back in the spring. I tried to nip it in the bud - immediately found a counsellor and talked to the GP about medication, pushed for a consultation with a psychiatrist (all they could do is put me with a mental health team, one of whom is a psychiatrist but I've never actually spoken to him/her)... I've continued to get out of the house most days, I've carried on seeing friends and interacting with others, I go for walks, I make art... But I'm not getting any better. If anything I'm getting worse. I miss the simplest of life's pleasures. I didn't eat much for a few months - no appetite. Now I keep scoffing chocolate but it might as well be cardboard for all the pleasure it brings me.

It IS a big step and the fact that you are continuing to see friends, get out of the house, engage in your activities etc. shows that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, as a lot of people with depression don’t leave the house or just stay in bed- there is clearly a fight in you and you need to hold on to that and use it to get the help that you deserve.

When I say I want to die I say it knowing that what I really want is to stop suffering - ideally whilst being alive. But if that's not possible then yes, I want to die. Just like someone with chronic physical pain might say they want to die when obviously they'd rather live and stop hurting. I'm sorry - I'm not trying to be difficult. I get desperate sometimes.

I've had to be so pushy to get any help. I had to push and push the GP to do something. Eventually he listened to my partner and got this mental health team to take me on. That's the only way I get any treatment from an NHS psychiatrist, albeit indirectly. I try to be assertive but I am so weary. I helped a suicidal woman a few weeks ago. Just seeing how little they could do for her further diminished my faith in the NHS mental health services.

Oh and they just don't answer the phone. No one answers the phone with the local crisis team either.

Your daughter needs you. Nobody can replace her real mama. I hope you get the help you need. It will get better x

Sadly no answers but wanted to try and communicate some support and empathy.

Your line "I've had to be so pushy to get any help. I had to push and push the GP to do something" particularly got to me. So you have to be strong and assertive to get actual help for feeling desperate, weak and alone. Fuck that.

I wish there were words that would help you. Not that long ago i was in that place. I didn't want to be alive and had the means to make that a reality quickly and with no pain. But I have two DCs for whom I'm totally responsible and, despite all my fantasising and planning about not hurting them, I just couldn't do it.

Life is less worse now and I'm glad I didn't burden my kids with my suicide. It is still hard and I have to console myself with the thought, the hope, that their lives will be happier than mine because I was able to keep going for them. God I'm getting maudlin .

I wish you strength and good fortune going forward.

What's brought you to this low place? What happened in the spring? Was it a specific event or a slow change in your mood?

@SisyphusDad thanks for your response. I'm sorry you've been through similar. I'm glad you're doing a bit better. I hope you continue to improve. I keep dragging myself though each day for my daughter's sake. She didn't ask to be born after all. I love her beyond measure. I just hope one day in the not too distant future, I can look back and be glad I had her to keep me going - that there will be things I enjoy and am glad to be alive for.

@Sarahlou63

I was getting increasingly stressed thanks to the lockdowns and always being with my partner and daughter - I felt claustrophobic. My daughter was always touching me and sitting on me and her dad and I were her only sources of company and entertainment a lot of the time. This spring I went to bed with a migraine one day and I lost my appetite and was sleeping a lot. Not unusual for a migraine but it went on for days and my partner ended up calling for an ambulance because I was getting very confused and asking the same questions over and over. Went to hospital for a few hours. Nothing concerning found (though they didn't do any scans). Went back home. Stayed in bed for two weeks, very depressed, not eating, sleeping lots etc. Eventually I got up and started doing more, eating again, getting out of the house etc but my mood got lower and lower, even with increases in the antidepressant I was already taking. Later on I was switched to a different one. And then another one added after that... None of them have helped much if at all.

Part of it has been a midlife/existential crisis too. Everything feels utterly pointless. I am painfully aware of us all living on a rock, hurtling through space and how soon enough we'll all disappear into the past as if we were never there in the first place... I feel like my perspective got zoomed out and I can't get back to the small stuff. I can't get back to me, the people I love and my little existence.

(((((HUG))))))

Just topping you up with hugs!!

You used to be someone who appreciated all the little things & now you find it impossible to find the joy in anything.

Did that just happen this spring, or have you struggled prior to that?

DD is 4. I think that's a lovely age! Has she started school yet, or not until next Sept (Im guilty of assuming you're living in England)

It's great you were able to help that suicidal woman the other week 💐

@Notgettingbetter

Thank you for your kind words.

This may seem silly, but one thing that helps a bit are some words from Lord of the Rings (right at the end). Frodo is about to leave Middle Earth for good, and says the following:

But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: some one has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them.

That captures how I feel in a way, and helps me fool myself that it's some grand sacrifice, that I absorb the pain to spare future generations (i.e. my kids). As I said, I'm seriously maudlin [wry smile].

Best wishes.

Based on what you've said, I'd be pushing for more tests - if you have the resources the seriously consider going private for scans, bloods and/or a full health screening. The NHS is stretched so thin now (not their fault) but you can't rely on 'nothing concerning found'.

@Notgettingbetter

Part of it has been a midlife/existential crisis too. Everything feels utterly pointless. I am painfully aware of us all living on a rock, hurtling through space and how soon enough we'll all disappear into the past as if we were never there in the first place... I feel like my perspective got zoomed out and I can't get back to the small stuff. I can't get back to me, the people I love and my little existence.

Your perception and self awareness of the issue will save you. You WILL get back to the small stuff with the right help

@Notgettingbetter - my husband just enjoys all the little things - I know when you suffer from depression this is not the thing. Everything seems blank or pointless - but just keep putting one foot forward every day and in time I would bet it will get better

I am not a psychiatrist nor a councellor - but rubbish as it is that is my advice.

I understand the thought of not wanting to end your life but not wanting to be there any more. Look forward 10 years - do you want to see what DD is doing ? She is not better without you. You surely want to see how she is doing.

It is hard but just believe for so many people this feeling will be a memory rather than today .

But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: some one has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them.

That captures how I feel in a way, and helps me fool myself that it's some grand sacrifice, that I absorb the pain to spare future generations (i.e. my kids). As I said, I'm seriously maudlin [wry smile]

I think that's a helpful viewpoint at the moment OP. A family member of mine died by suicide and it has been devastating for their family. Like their pain has been multiplied by 1000 and passed to their partner who is destroyed by guilt. This person's father attempted suicide years ago which apparently is a risk factor.

I have periods of severe depression (one now) and have to keep telling myself that it's better for me to have this pain than my dcs and df. It's so hard though.

Well done for pushing for helping and staying for your dd. Really hope it eases soon

migraine but it went on for days and my partner ended up calling for an ambulance because I was getting very confused and asking the same questions over and over. Went to hospital for a few hours. Nothing concerning found (though they didn't do any scans).

OP if you can affford it, I'd get a brain MRI. Just to be thorough.

You are most certainly not alone, please do share your feelings with your counsellor, they will be able to help. In the mean while, please pm me if you need someone to talk to. Think of your precious girl and all the people who love you, please don’t do anything drastic

I’d love to know the right thing to say. I’ve been affected by this tonight, and it’s so sad to think of what my friend’s friend must have been going through. I didn’t know her that well, but honestly I’d have driven through the night to get there if I could have helped. So, please phone the Samaritans or one of the recommended helplines. Even if you’re feeling a bit better now. Can’t hurt to just give them a ring. We don’t know what to say to help, but they might.

The one thing that stops me doing anything is this. I’ve known three people who have a parent who have killed themselves (this is completely anecdotal) and they all utterly despise that parent for doing it to them. They have all struggled with it, with their own mental health as a consequence.
None of them were better off as a result.

That’s the one thing that keeps me going. That actually, even in my dark days they are not better off without us.

I hope your doing ok

Thank you all for the replies. It really means a lot to me.

I'm still here, still trudging along. I'm still very aware that killing myself would ruin my loved ones' lives. I've often read how suicidal people will convince themselves that their loved ones would be better off without them. I know that's not true. I suppose it goes to show just how much pain I'm in because I know it's really not an option and yet I still keep coming back to it.

I should be getting a meds review in the next few days, so there is that.

@colouringindoors

migraine but it went on for days and my partner ended up calling for an ambulance because I was getting very confused and asking the same questions over and over. Went to hospital for a few hours. Nothing concerning found (though they didn't do any scans).

OP if you can affford it, I'd get a brain MRI. Just to be thorough.

Back in April when it happened my partner spoke to one of the doctors at the surgery and she said I really should have been scanned at the hospital. She actually wanted me to go back. I was exhausted at that point and the other doctor said I was fine so I left it. My feeling is that I'd not eaten for days and I know my mind goes a bit weird when I have low blood sugar levels. My usual doctor wasn't concerned. But now I'm wondering if I should ask the more concerned doctor to arrange a scan 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just want to say hello OP. Hope your meds review goes well.

I don't want to be too personal and probe, but do you know why you feel this way?

When I was at my lowest, it was clear why. I had an abusive partner, and I still have bad days because of it, they are infrequent, but still there. Is there something specifically that you can't get over, or are in the process of working through. And "I don't want to discuss this" is a perfectly acceptable response

I also wanted to echo PP, and say, you have no idea just how many people are out there and think fondly of you. A friend of a friend took his own life, maybe 4 years ago. He was in the hospitality business, so quite a few of us didn't know him well, but knew him to say hello, so to speak. When he died, there were, no exaggeration, thousands of tributes at his home. What really cut me up, was how he had ended his life because he was lonely and depressed, if only he could have seen just how many people cared for him and realised he had touched the lives of so many. Any of us would have been there to support him. He had no idea.

I worked with a girl who also took her own life, and she was so funny, so vibrant, but ended up heavily involved in drugs. Ten years my junior. I would have done anything if she needed me, I thought of her so fondly. She wouldn't have known that. I still think of her, and if she'd called me and said she needed help, I'd have been there like a shot. It was me thinking of her, and wanting to invite her to meet up for a coffee that made me track her down on Facebook, where I saw the horrible news.

There are far more people who's life you've touched and care about you than you realise.

@MollysDolly

I just want to say hello OP. Hope your meds review goes well.

I don't want to be too personal and probe, but do you know why you feel this way?

When I was at my lowest, it was clear why. I had an abusive partner, and I still have bad days because of it, they are infrequent, but still there. Is there something specifically that you can't get over, or are in the process of working through. And "I don't want to discuss this" is a perfectly acceptable response

I also wanted to echo PP, and say, you have no idea just how many people are out there and think fondly of you. A friend of a friend took his own life, maybe 4 years ago. He was in the hospitality business, so quite a few of us didn't know him well, but knew him to say hello, so to speak. When he died, there were, no exaggeration, thousands of tributes at his home. What really cut me up, was how he had ended his life because he was lonely and depressed, if only he could have seen just how many people cared for him and realised he had touched the lives of so many. Any of us would have been there to support him. He had no idea.

I worked with a girl who also took her own life, and she was so funny, so vibrant, but ended up heavily involved in drugs. Ten years my junior. I would have done anything if she needed me, I thought of her so fondly. She wouldn't have known that. I still think of her, and if she'd called me and said she needed help, I'd have been there like a shot. It was me thinking of her, and wanting to invite her to meet up for a coffee that made me track her down on Facebook, where I saw the horrible news.

There are far more people who's life you've touched and care about you than you realise.

It's a combination of things causing it and would takes ages to type out. I think I reached my limit, especially with Covid and the lockdowns.

I was going to write more but I'm really tired. Thank you for your post ❤️

Tell your counsellor. She won't react badly but she will try her best to get you more help and may be able to put a rocket up the backside of the mental health team if you have told her straight that you are considering suicide. I did with my therapist but he does tend to take me at my word so I had to tell him directly and clearly. 'You once said that you trusted me to tell you if things were bad and I was at risk. This is me telling you.'