My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

I think all you need to know about the termination is you cancelled the slot at short notice, then pestered/harassed the therapist into trying to call you. It’s so very unreasonable of you.
I think the therapist should not have accepted emails in between sessions though, a mistake in their part. In sending emails you would still be expecting them to read these, summarise these and pick out important points. If this can’t fit into a session then it needs to wait until the next session. It sounds like you’ve swamped the therapist then pestered / harassed them. Sorry but you’ve overstepped the professional boundaries too.

[quote baldafrique]@PromTwink
The perfect combo [/quote]

I honestly can't understand why she wouldn't have put another hour into closing off the relationship in a way which is not so damaging for me
Because there's probably nothing she could have done that you would accept.
It sounds like she has clearly explained by email that the relationship is not working.
It doesn't sound like she was stressed by having a client with autism. It sounds like she terminated a professional relationship because the client has repeatedly sent lots of dense emails (far more than the time paid for to read them), the client doesn't expect a response but sort of does, the client has been instructing her on how to read them, telling her how to do her job and interpret things, has cancelled an appointment, then expected them to be on call, then been arsey and critical when the therapist hasn't jumped to give them a pep talk, and shows a worrying lack of boundaries over a period of time.

@NettleTea The 6 emails were not lobbying! They were basically continuing the story that I had told her in the session.

"I told you that this happened - I checked the dates and it was the same time as this happened - in their email they said " XXXXXXX" - this made me feel YYYYYYY and as a result I did ZZZZZZZ which didn't work out - and I completely forgot about all of that until we talked just then".

It is more that I find hard to stop talking when I start until I've said it all. And sure I can write into a journal - but then it's weird because the next time all that I will want to do is read that journal out loud to 'finish' the conversation - which seems spectacularly inefficient given that most people can read faster than I can speak out loud - plus reading means you can be selective.

@Babygotblueyes

Exactly. I would look for someone experienced with adult ASD.

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

I got expelled by mine for having BPD (which she diagnosed) and as such I am unfixable and a waste of time. Funny as fuck. She was a complete bellend.

I'm sorry that you experienced that, HomeSlice, and I hope you've found someone who believes differently. BPD is difficult to work with, but it isn't impossible by any stretch of the imagination. What's important is that it calls for an experienced therapist - preferably one who has worked successfully with BPD; and it takes time. But it is entirely possible.

I think it’s very clear which bits were OTT. You are yourself autistic, and verbalised that to the therapist.

She may have had many autistic clients, you have only met one autistic person when you’ve met one autistic person. You can’t have it both ways. You are an individual. With whom your therapist found the relationship wasn’t working for them.

Find another therapist- do not ask to do emails. If it takes years it takes years. If you cancel an appointment then that’s it. Done. You can’t go back. Draw a line under that day and wait for your next session.

NEVER send anyone you’re a client of chocolates.

I’m sorry but no patient should ever feel ‘too full on’ for a therapist.
Part of their work is to know how to handle those situations and put boundaries.
You don’t say to a patient ‘sure send me some emails’ organise how you will be paid for reading them to them decide it’s too much and fire the patient because it’s overwhelming.

Big issues with the therapist there

• not holding boundaries
• not knowing their own boundaries
• making the failed therapeutic relationship the fault of the client when they followed the ‘rules’ agreed TOGETHER.

@RaineyMae this is NOT YOU.
I worked in a similar field. If a patient/client walks all over boundaries you haven’t clarified, it’s your fault. Not the client/patient fault.
It’s true for the number of emails/length of emails but also cancellation, turning up on time etc… it was up to her to make it clear.
Also up to her to clarify WHY having a double appointment or email contact was so important for you.
It’s not up to you to change your behaviour to make it easier for her because you are on the spectrum.

@RaineyMae do you have a mental health diagnosis?

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

I got expelled by mine for having BPD (which she diagnosed) and as such I am unfixable and a waste of time. Funny as fuck. She was a complete bellend.

Therapists are not qualified to diagnose @HomeSliceKnowsBest. BPD is an excellent case in point of the need for clear boundaries and a level approach and when we work with it it’s usually by referral but it’s not our place to diagnose even if we suspect it. It is for us to say “I may not be the right support for you/have the right experience to help you and here is what I suggest”. If you did have a diagnosis of BPD then you’d be better off with Dialectical Behavioural Therapy which is group and individual therapy and more suitable.

The 6 emails were not lobbying! They were basically continuing the story that I had told her in the session.

Right but that is what therapy sessions are for.

It's a continuing dialogue about your life story and there will be a lot of ground to cover initially.

She sounds very unprofessional. Sometimes its takes a while to find a good therapist. If you have autism can I recommend you find one who specialises in this? It might be helpful. Also if you like to brain dump - save some of your money and brain dump on mumsnet! Isn't that what mumsnet is for?

@Taliskerskye - I can't send teachers chocolates? I have done that literally every year in one form or another

@Taliskerskye

I think it’s very clear which bits were OTT. You are yourself autistic, and verbalised that to the therapist.

She may have had many autistic clients, you have only met one autistic person when you’ve met one autistic person. You can’t have it both ways. You are an individual. With whom your therapist found the relationship wasn’t working for them.

Find another therapist- do not ask to do emails. If it takes years it takes years. If you cancel an appointment then that’s it. Done. You can’t go back. Draw a line under that day and wait for your next session.

NEVER send anyone you’re a client of chocolates.

But all that is NOT up to the OP (or anyone else to decide up front)

This is up to the therapist to have a contract with their client, establish AND uphold boundaries.
The role of the client is to respect boundaries. NOT to set them up.

I think that it's possible that she found the volume and number of emails overwhelming rather than the content. She might have expected one or two emails that took less than an hour to read and make notes on rather than 6 in a week.

[quote RaineyMae]@NettleTea The 6 emails were not lobbying! They were basically continuing the story that I had told her in the session.

"I told you that this happened - I checked the dates and it was the same time as this happened - in their email they said " XXXXXXX" - this made me feel YYYYYYY and as a result I did ZZZZZZZ which didn't work out - and I completely forgot about all of that until we talked just then".

It is more that I find hard to stop talking when I start until I've said it all. And sure I can write into a journal - but then it's weird because the next time all that I will want to do is read that journal out loud to 'finish' the conversation - which seems spectacularly inefficient given that most people can read faster than I can speak out loud - plus reading means you can be selective.[/quote]
I do understand that - Im autistic myself so get really cross if things are misrepresented or made out to be different to what they are.

I also really talk too much and can go off in tangents often losing the track of what I started out talking about, so can see why you would want to do that.

I think that the volume of emails was far too much. You paid her for an extra hour but clearly you sent far more than she could have read and absorbed in an hour. You can't expect her to skim read them and know what's relevant. She probably spent the paid hour reading the first couple and when you kept sending them she did get overwhelmed. I don't think her ghosting you was acceptable but she did end the relationship following some what sounds like unacceptable behaviour from you following the cancelling of the session.

@RaineyMae

What kind of therapist was she?

Hi OP

As someone who works in this field I do agree that from what you’ve said your therapist behaved inappropriately.

I would never have agreed to the emails as it already feels like a boundary crossed, but, if I were then getting too many then in the next session I would apologise that I hadn’t managed to read them, discuss with you what’s helpful about me reading them to see if there was a way of it being more workable e.g. you pulling out the salient bits yourself after re-reading emails and just sending me a summary. If that was still too much I would ask that we don’t do the email thing and if there is a better way for you.

With the cancellation I would keep to the boundary that a cancellation before 24 hours still incurs a cost. If you requested a quick phone call instead I would probably say no because you can’t do proper therapy in a quick phone call (although it depends on the model you use).

If you sent me a cross message about that I would see it as my professional job to apologise for any upset caused. Listen to you carefully. Clarify any misunderstandings and discuss with you whether you want to continue or not and make some clearer boundaries/rules together.

If I felt overwhelmed by you I would seek supervision, try and figure out what that was about and try and work with you in our relationship on that.

If I felt I couldn’t work with you I would NEVER blame you but state that it’s my skills that are lacking. Therapists who are well trained, well supervised, have a clear model and support can work effectively with extremely challenging behaviour. If I couldn’t work with it would be because I didn’t have the right skills, the right support, the right model or the infrastructure (team of people for example) to do it.

Please don’t take this to heart and don’t let it put you off therapy. I don’t know all the details so can’t say for sure if what your therapist did wasn’t ok, but definitely don’t blame yourself. Talk it through with your next therapist and explain what happened and they will know to keep boundaries really clear and help you to think about the function of the long emails and a more effective way of using them.

By the time I’ve written this the post is likely to have moved on so apologies if it no longer makes sense!

Good luck OP - I hope there are smoother seas ahead for you

[quote RaineyMae]@Taliskerskye - I can't send teachers chocolates? I have done that literally every year in one form or another[/quote]
No OP, it’s fine to send chocs to teachers.

Some therapists might be happy with gifts too. Again, it depends on THEIR boundaries.

@Taliskerskye

I don't have years.

I have urgent and critical and fast developing situations with my DC.

Pandemic certainly hasn't helped matters with meeting on Zoom and with the level of urgent need not even primarily in me but in what I'm having to deal with and figure out very very fast.

It's fair enough for her to be overwhelmed - I understand that - because I am overwhelmed - but I don't have the opt out of saying 'I'm sorry this is too much'.

I don't even have the option to pay someone to hear out my 'too much' and help me work out how to get through it.

'Years' is honestly not a luxury I have right now.

It was entirely the therapist's mistake to agree to emails in that context. And when that went wrong, she then mismanaged the consequences.

If OP has never done therapy before she has no idea what to expect. It's up to the therapist to explain how the process works and keep control of it.

No OP, it’s fine to send chocs to teachers.
Some therapists might be happy with gifts too. Again, it depends on THEIR boundaries.
Agreed, and it depends on the situation too

As a general rule if someone has said that your behaviour is overwhelming, then backing off is generally the correct course of action. Not chocolates and more contact.

OP I've not read the full thread. I'm sorry you've had this experience. I apologise for saying this, really, but some of the way you describe the therapy relationship with your therapist, like 'that's why I pay someone' (to make sense of your written thoughts; I set the sessions up' (beforehand with all the written stuff; 'I needed a pep talk- you go girl'; needing her to 'carve out my story' yet not giving her much during actual therapy, or cancelling - it all sounds like you are holding onto all the control over yourself and also what she should do/ respond; and importantly, that you're expecting her, not you, to do all the leg work. Like your PA or something- that's not therapy or how it works- I mean this in the kindest way- when you are busy doing all this it takes away from the work YOU and supposed to be doing for Yourself? Maybe it's a self-protective thing?
Also, a good therapist won't find your story any more complicated than anyone else's. If anything, the content of your emails is maybe a distraction / too much 'noise' from the real problem and working on it? Again, protective?
I do mean this kindly, having had therapy myself- self reflection can be uncomfortable.
It's not so much that your problems are overwhelming, it may be that your conduct/ engagement style (or lack of within a therapeutic context) is overwhelming? If you stripped all that back- your emails, the 'setting up' etc with another therapist, what would that look like? It would still leave something to work with you know. You are 'enough' without all that iyswim.
Take care and good luck.

There are loads of posters here telling you where you went wrong OP. I don't think you're taking criticism particularly well. You clearly think you have done nothing wrong and that the therapist is the bad guy here. What could anyone say beyond what's been said to change your mind?

I understand you may be going through a difficult time but it does sound like your behaviour was totally overwhelming, and managing this onslaught of emails and 'pestering' is beyond the realms of any therapist's work. Just because you were paying her it doesn't mean she's yours to be exactly what you want her to be, when you want her to be it.