My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

I dont think she should have ever agreed to this paid for reading time of emails between sessions anyway tbh.

@RaineyMae

I mean - she must have read it as some shades of abusive to cut me off with no warning - but this side of the screen it was a very stressed upset person having a general meltdown.

My immediate apology said that - that I was talking about me not criticising her.

Surely it is clear that there is an ocean between the client saying that they are struggling with therapy - and it being reasonably seen as an attack on the therapist.

I'm not like suicidal or sweary or anything like that. Just overwhelmed with a massive amount of very complicated demands and struggling to keep life stuff balanced.

It's 'a lot' - but in no way could I have been seen as 'dangerous'.

She doesnt feel she can keep you as a client.

She is entitled to make that decision.

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

How many is a 'batch'?

How do you know she took it as a criticism?

What is “a lot”? 5? 25? 105?

it doesn’t sound like it’d be particularly helpful or therapeutic to send many long emails that she’s not reading or responding to.

As someone who has talked to a few therapists about childhood abuse, I’ve found that sharing the details can often be distressing for them. Was the level of detail needed? Is that the issue, that you have sent long, detailed emails that could be quite triggering, in large numbers, and the therapist is now uncomfortable and can’t proceed?

I am sorry

Is she a member of a professional body? BACP offer a service where clients can discuss experiences and understand if there are grounds for complaint - others might offer it too. Doesn’t mean you should complain of course but it might be helpful to talk it through and understand if this is something she was right to do or if she acted unprofessionally. Sudden endings with clients are certainly not ideal.

it doesn’t sound like it’d be particularly helpful or therapeutic to send many long emails that she’s not reading or responding to.

This. I’m not sure this is a constructive approach and I wonder why the therapist agreed to it / if she thought you were talking about one page-long email a week and you were sending a dozen essays.

I think it sounds like you definitely were overwhelming.

I agree that she sounds unprofessional. If she felt it wasn't working out and you were poorly matched, she's not wrong to want to terminate the arrangement, but unless you were threatening her/stalking her or similar, I'd think she's not well-suited to her job to abruptly dump you over email.

That seems immature and not what I'd expect from a professional therapist, who (imo) should be better at dealing with drama and uncomfortable situations.

@RaineyMae

I mean - she must have read it as some shades of abusive to cut me off with no warning - but this side of the screen it was a very stressed upset person having a general meltdown.

My immediate apology said that - that I was talking about me not criticising her.

Surely it is clear that there is an ocean between the client saying that they are struggling with therapy - and it being reasonably seen as an attack on the therapist.

I'm not like suicidal or sweary or anything like that. Just overwhelmed with a massive amount of very complicated demands and struggling to keep life stuff balanced.

It's 'a lot' - but in no way could I have been seen as 'dangerous'.

I may have missed it but have you mentioned what you said that was taken as an insult? Also you say you ahve very complicated demands? Is it possible she could not comply with these?

Sorry this has happened to you.
Someone mentioned the samaratines which may be able to help.

Things need to be 2 way between the therapist and client. Maybe she felt out of her depth and unable to give you the help you need.
I saw on woman and we did not click at all. The very thought of her made me worse. But I have clicked well with another one. We both are comfortable with each other . For things to work you both need to be comfortable with each other.
Hoping you get help

Hmm, I think it depends on how many emails and how long each email was.

I don't think the therapist should have agreed to the emails at all, it adds so much more to her workload.

There were two tiers of emails:

1. I was sending a 'lot' of emails (like - 6 in a week) - which were basically filling in my back story. So not like 'I'm so stressed' - but more like 'Let me explain to you exactly what happened here in full detail - and maybe you will have a different perspective on the situation'. No expectation of a reply - more like to get my thoughts in order and to have details presented relatively systematically.

Arrangement was that I paid for twice the hours that I actually saw her - to reflect the reading time.

2. The day I got sacked - we were meant to meet on Zoom. I had a bad day all round where I had a lot of high emotion meetings - and lost control of my scheduling. I emailed first thing in the morning with an agenda; mid morning to apologise that I could not be on zoom for the arranged time. Then I got stressed up to the sky and pestered within my actual paid for slot whether she could take part of the session by phone. Like - just a nice reassuring call on a shitty day - I'd obviously lost my chance of the actual therapy session. She accepted the cancellation at lunchtime - but then did something else across my slot - and came back to me sending what I thought was the final email - saying that I know she wasn't required to do anything further for me once I'd cancelled my session - but that it was feeling harsh on my side to not retrieve anything positive at all out of the paid-for slot on a difficult day.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this therapist didn't think that you and she were a good fit to continue working together. It also sounds like you'd be better off debriefing with a different therapist, as I don't think it would be a positive experience for either of you.

OP it sounds like you've had an awful lot going on and you may need to have a therapist that's comfortable and experienced at working with trauma. You need to feel contained and have some strategies to support you between therapy sessions.

Good luck with finding someone who's a better fit for you.

Hmm, I think YABU.

That seems immature and not what I'd expect from a professional therapist, who (imo) should be better at dealing with drama and uncomfortable situations.

I agree. If it's hard for the therapist to hear, what's it like for the client to live with? Who else can a person experiencing overwhelming and dramatic stuff turn to, if not a professional therapist? The therapist should have been clearer with her own boundaries regarding emailing, and been able to see that the OP was 'venting' rather than making personal attacks.

So you cancelled with very little notice, she filled your slot and then you wanted to use it?

For sure I was overwhelming.

I was in therapy because I was completely overwhelmed by being in the middle of a massively technically complicated and emotionally painful situation.

If she doesn't want me - she doesn't want me

But I'm taken aback by the ghosting and lack of termination session

If she wanted less emails - she could have first asked for less emails surely. In any case it would have eventually tailed off once I had unspooled my very long and detailed back story.

Even if you'd sent 50 emails I don't think she should ahve said you were ''over whelming'' as that feeling of being ''too much'' (ie having needs) is something that people struggle with, a reason they go to therapy!

I think she should have said she was not available to read the volume of emails you were sending or something more neutral.

Why did she agree to receive and read emails?! Therapy via email is obviously going to be overwhelming because she can’t control the narrative. It sounds like she’s not very experienced and regretted the whole set up. Very unprofessional.

@RaineyMae don't let your next therapist shoehorn you in to their chocka zoom meeting schedule or just skim read emails. How can they see how you feel when you're typing emails!

You can send emails to yourself figuring out how you feel and that'd be free.

I see a therapist, face to face. It's better. Some are seeing clients. I wouldn't cope well with sitting there waiting for a response to my email!! That'd trigger me.

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

So you cancelled with very little notice, she filled your slot and then you wanted to use it?

Is this what happened? If so you are being very very unreasonable.

My personal belief is that therapy is best carried out in face to face sessions.

Sounds like you had really unrealistic demands of your therapist writing screeds of deeply emotional stuff and expecting that she would pick up on and memorize the detail of it. It also sounds like you probably did word a lot of this as “critique” of her ie you thought I meant this but actually with this seemingly insignificant detail it was really about this. Therapy is the place to discuss this not her inbox and so it seems she feels there is a mismatch between your wants and her ability to/ willingness to meet them. Ive had clients that I allowed to email me and it was stuff like “I’m struggling with the homework” or “I want to explore that thread we were on last week again in the next session as it has struck a chord.”
In her position I probably wouldn’t have another session with you either because I would worry you would spend it trying to sway me back or justify instead of preparing for a move to a new therapist and exploring that situation. I think it would be fruitless for either of you. In future as well I’d steer clear of email as it can be a difficult medium to navigate successfully for you.

So six emails in a week and you were paying for an extra hour for her response?

I'm afraid you need to work out what therapy you want. I've always gone for therapy for an issue not a whole life reconstruct. What is it you want out of therapy because it sounds like you need a therapist with iron boundaries and daily sessions.

My psychiatrist did 25 min sessions. If you were late no session. No rescheduling either. He was busy. I talked for 5 mins he talked for 20. I got loads of homework and I couldn't go back til it was finished.

I saw him maybe 5 or 6 times. Life changing.

I don't think this kind is what you're looking for is it? You want to dump your mental shit on someone so they do the leg work. Most of this stuff will be irrelevant to the psychologist or psychiatrist.