My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

[quote RaineyMae]@Taliskerskye I can empathise why she might not have wanted to keep working with me.

I honestly can't understand why she wouldn't have put another hour into closing off the relationship in a way which is not so damaging for me.

People talking about 'talk to your next therapist' make it sound like picking up a new pair of shoes. It takes a lot of emotional and financial investment to find a therapist and get to the point of having meaningful stuff going on with them. It's completely irrational for me to take that risk again if in my mind I'm labelled as a 'nightmare client'.

For sure it would make sense for her to stop the conversations cold. But the contract is that she had a duty of care to me - and I don't think that was delivered.[/quote]
With respect, I don't think it is damaging to you to be told that the therapist has found the relationship overwhelming as a reason for ending the therapy.

I think that's pretty concise and clear without being damaging.

It's very different from being "labelled as a nightmare client" or "character assassination".

[quote RaineyMae]@TotorosCatBus

The two meetings in the rest of the day were to do with delicate situations around my DC that none of my IRL friends were aware of.

The previous several sessions I had in great detail discussed the situation around my DC - so she felt like a perfectly plausible person to reassure me that I was capable and competent in doing what I needed to do for the DC.

It wasn't just a random wobble.[/quote]
I'm guessing that you booked the session because of these meetings.

For whatever reason you decided that the scheduling conflict took priority over the session and you need to own that.

If you'd had the session, you would have hopefully left feeling like you could do it but that's a realisation that might have taken the whole session rather than a quick panicked call.

I think your therapist was unreasonable to admit that she was overwhelmed and that she should have spared your feelings and said "not a right for" or something.

Maybe with your next therapist you need to book 6 sessions a week rather than email 6 days a week?

What if she had said, “You go girl! You got this!” before the meeting about your children, and then you completely messed the meeting up?

Weren’t prepared. Go angry. Got nervous.

Wouldn’t that (a) undermine your relationship with the therapist (she was wrong, I can’t trust her) and (b) make her a meaningless cheerleader instead of a friend?

A therapist would surely want to take the time to explore why you needed reassurance, and how you could reassure yourself. So - you say you’re worried you’ll get angry, she may remind you of what you’ve worked on for staying calm.

But just saying, “you go girl?”

Not her role.

I would have asked her why she accepted an autistic client if she was stressed by autistic behaviours.

That's what upset me the most tbh - that it's a bit of a cricket bat to the face for how hate-able it is if I don't mask my tendencies to infodump and if I'm not hyper-vigilant about social conventions and tone of voice and such

And I would have tried to have it left for me not feeling that mental health care is a completely closed door for me.

I think you were probably far more full on than you realise, and probably the chocolates and apology emails haven't helped because they felt more like stalker-type actions than the way you intended.

The whole cancel uncancel, demands for contact and multiple emails - too much.

You need to journal between times and stick to your sessions with your next therapist.

[quote RaineyMae]@TatianaBis I originally asked her for a double length session - so that I wasn't always leaving feeling like I'd got cut off mid flow.

She declined that - which slipped into me writing what I would have said in a longer session into a follow on email. Rather than just hold it in my head for a week iyswim

That then went into the emails being written into the contract.[/quote]
There's a reason why she declined a double appointment.

It's better to stick to the format and do more appointments if you need more time.

I would really stay away from writing to a therapist. She shouldn't have allowed it and I think she saw her mistake.

It's not your fault that you are currently being what she described as 'overwhelming' - that's how many people are who have emotional issues that are overwhelming to them.

But that's the reason that therapy sessions are formal and proscribed: to erect secure boundaries around the process.

If the therapy process leaks into lots of emails - that encroaches on the therapist's private time - and is not healthy for anyone.

@RaineyMae I think it’s quite tricky to comment in many ways as it’s not clear what sort of therapist she was and her level of experience, if she was working with you by referral, diagnosis, number of sessions etc. I know you feel you’ve said too much here already but it’s still tricky to comment. I wish you the best in finding an alternative support via one of the main professional bodies. MIND can advise on those professional bodies and explain some of the different approaches.

And what would've happened if she had given you a concluding session – would you have accepted her wishes to terminate or argued the toss with her? I'm suspecting the latter.

Yes- you come across as someone who would have problems accepting that things had to end.
I can't help but wonder if this therapist is quite inexperienced and a more seasoned person would have established boundaries earlier like the emails.

@RaineyMae

I would have asked her why she accepted an autistic client if she was stressed by autistic behaviours.

That's what upset me the most tbh - that it's a bit of a cricket bat to the face for how hate-able it is if I don't mask my tendencies to infodump and if I'm not hyper-vigilant about social conventions and tone of voice and such

And I would have tried to have it left for me not feeling that mental health care is a completely closed door for me.

You're not helpless in toning down certain behaviours just because you have a diagnosis of ASD

For example, someone with bipolar disorder is expected to resist their impulsive behaviour, not act out and affect others because they're bipolar. That doesn't mean they're perfect all the time but the key is in trying. Someone with OCD is expected to challenge their thoughts. Someone with anxiety is meant to do the same.

It seems you're using your autism as an excuse and something you're powerless to help, when that isn't the case. Do you have a formal diagnosis?

What you've written here about your behaviour sounds like huge boundary issues to me. If you're keen on a productive therapeutic relationship I'd spend some time writing (for yourself or as a one-off background email if the new therapist agrees) some relevant (and concise) factual background info - though frankly most people cover that in the course of sessions. I have a fairly complicated background and a love of getting things out on paper and even I couldn't manage six emails a week.

Then accept the fact that the therapist, or at least a psychodynamic therapist if that's who you're seeing, isn't your mate, secretary or latrine. You're there to work together to understand repetitive patterns of thinking and behaviour that are impacting you adversely and to change these. The boundaries of the therapy matter. If the boundaries are one 50-minute session a week, other communication only to arrange practicalities when necessary ("Sorry, can we reschedule next week please?"), that's what you stick to, for both your sakes.

(Person with 10 years in private 3x weekly therapy, an MSc in Freud and some, limited, tangential experience)

@Maia77

The client is not responsible for boundary management -the therapist is. The client should get a chance to have at least one last session. You don't terminate therapy via email. The client is a person in need of help, the therapist is the person who should put client's wellbeing first and carefully manage the ending, regardless of how overwhelmed the therapist is. I'm a therapist, so I know a bit about these things.

So are you saying the client has no responsibility for managing their own behaviour? That the therapist should always be doing exactly what the client wants? Yes, endings need to be managed well, and client welfare is paramount, but with only one side of the story it is hard to know what the therapist did before.

It doesn't sound at all like she was stressed by autistic behaviours and to accuse her of that seems unfair (and quite a drip feed). It sounds as though she thought your particular, personal set of circumstances and needs were beyond her professional capabilities, such as you wanting a quick telephone pep talk before a meeting about your children. Stuff like that is beyond a therapist's remit.

But just because it didn't work out with this one doesn't mean it won't with another therapist.

@Whattheactualfk

I didn't say I was helpless. I said I was blindsided that she terminated without previously giving me any verbal feedback that parts of my behaviour were OTT.

How am I supposed to know which bits are bad and which bits are therapeutic if she doesn't tell me?

A lot of things about the therapy relationship are very different to how you would talk to a friend - and its not something that you witness others doing - so there isn't that 'model' to look at to understand how to 'do it'.

I would have asked her why she accepted an autistic client if she was stressed by autistic behaviours.

I read that if you have autism you can't just go to a "regular" therapist and you need someone that knows about autism.

The autism is a major drip feed and explains why you sent the card and chocolates.

so, Ive only read half of this

But basically, you saw her. Then sent her 6 great big essays explaining why she was wrong about her perspective

Then messed her around with a booking, and then got the arse when she said enough

Im not surprised that she found you overwhelming and felt she couldnt work with you.

And maybe she couldnt be 'go girl' because she felt you were in the wrong

And I would have tried to have it left for me not feeling that mental health care is a completely closed door for me.

And that's where she went wrong as a professional. She should have given a more neutral reason for ending the sessions and provided information for you to find another therapist.

Just because it didn't work out with her doesn't isn't the end of anything - there are 1000s of therapists out there of different types. It simply means she was not the right therapist for you which is much better to know now than further down the road.

She may well just have been out of her depth with you.

You don't say what kind of therapist she was, what training etc.

I don’t think she ghosted you . She was clear she terminated the contract. You carried on pushing her for contact. She wasn’t your therapist at that point.

I think you need a nice big spliff and a cup of tea op.

@RaineyMae

I would have asked her why she accepted an autistic client if she was stressed by autistic behaviours.

That's what upset me the most tbh - that it's a bit of a cricket bat to the face for how hate-able it is if I don't mask my tendencies to infodump and if I'm not hyper-vigilant about social conventions and tone of voice and such

And I would have tried to have it left for me not feeling that mental health care is a completely closed door for me.

It’s interesting that you say “stressed” by autistic behaviours and give the infodump (presumably the frequent emails are an example) because I was just re-reading your posts as I’m curious about your interpretation of “overwhelming”.

You feel that a therapist should have boundaries and not be overwhelmed.

It seems to me that you’ve very much interpreted the word overwhelming in an emotional way.

Sure, it can mean that.

But if I say to my colleague, “I have been absolutely overwhelmed with emails today” we will both take that to mean - I have had LOADS of them, but not necessarily to the point that I could deal with them all, or my other work. Just a way of saying they are a lot. There would be zero emotional element to that. Either the content of the emails I dealing with, or how I felt about the number of them.

Perhaps, your therapist was factually saying that the amount of communication was overwhelming in volume. Which isn’t unprofessional or related to boundaries.

OP, have any of the comments here changed your mind or given you something to think about?

@RaineyMae

I would have asked her why she accepted an autistic client if she was stressed by autistic behaviours.

That's what upset me the most tbh - that it's a bit of a cricket bat to the face for how hate-able it is if I don't mask my tendencies to infodump and if I'm not hyper-vigilant about social conventions and tone of voice and such

And I would have tried to have it left for me not feeling that mental health care is a completely closed door for me.

OP, now that I know you are autistic, my feeling is that you would probably benefit from some reading around what therapy is (and isn't). This may make some of what has happened clearer.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-is-counselling/

There's also a useful PDF link on the same page with the title 'What happens when therapy goes wrong?' which may also be useful.

Wishing you all the best - and wanting to reassure you that mental health care is absolutely not a closed door for you. I am certain that you could find a therapist who was a better fit for you, and perhaps having a better understanding of what therapy is (and isn't) will help you to build a productive therapeutic relationship more effectively. You might also want to look for recommendations of therapists who are experienced at, or specialise in, working with clients with autism. They may be better at communicating effectively and will certainly have a better understanding of autism and how it may affect the therapeutic relationship.

@RaineyMae have you ever had a mental health diagnosis? I’m just trying to get a clearer picture

How did you find your therapist and what type f therapy was it?

@PromTwink
The perfect combo

@RaineyMae - an ASD diagnosis puts a different perspective on things, but in that case you need to look for therapists who are very experienced in working with people with this diagnosis. As your thinking and behaviour styles are likely to be very rigid, it will be hard for you to see when you are crossing boundaries and being unreasonable. The therapist you work with will need to so some work at the beginning setting up rules for your work together. Your part is to agree to and stick to them.