My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

@WhatMattersMost

I do have a diagnosis.

She was a psychologist.

Not surprising... suspected OP has autism but didn’t want to fling the term about wanton😂
OP you haven’t answered any questions about how you found your therapist and what type it was.
If you’d booked in for ‘general purpose’ therapy then you’re being U.
If you’d booked in for someone experienced/specialised then you’re not.
You’ve done a lot of ‘unreasonable’ things but if you’re autistic then you will need to be told directly as to which actions are unreasonable and why. Knowing this background a therapist who failed to be direct from the start doesn’t seem very qualified.
Of course this is presuming you’ve told us the whole story ... nobody on this forum can really tell because situation is nuanced

@Lostmarbles2021

Hi OP

As someone who works in this field I do agree that from what you’ve said your therapist behaved inappropriately.

I would never have agreed to the emails as it already feels like a boundary crossed, but, if I were then getting too many then in the next session I would apologise that I hadn’t managed to read them, discuss with you what’s helpful about me reading them to see if there was a way of it being more workable e.g. you pulling out the salient bits yourself after re-reading emails and just sending me a summary. If that was still too much I would ask that we don’t do the email thing and if there is a better way for you.

With the cancellation I would keep to the boundary that a cancellation before 24 hours still incurs a cost. If you requested a quick phone call instead I would probably say no because you can’t do proper therapy in a quick phone call (although it depends on the model you use).

If you sent me a cross message about that I would see it as my professional job to apologise for any upset caused. Listen to you carefully. Clarify any misunderstandings and discuss with you whether you want to continue or not and make some clearer boundaries/rules together.

If I felt overwhelmed by you I would seek supervision, try and figure out what that was about and try and work with you in our relationship on that.

If I felt I couldn’t work with you I would NEVER blame you but state that it’s my skills that are lacking. Therapists who are well trained, well supervised, have a clear model and support can work effectively with extremely challenging behaviour. If I couldn’t work with it would be because I didn’t have the right skills, the right support, the right model or the infrastructure (team of people for example) to do it.

Please don’t take this to heart and don’t let it put you off therapy. I don’t know all the details so can’t say for sure if what your therapist did wasn’t ok, but definitely don’t blame yourself. Talk it through with your next therapist and explain what happened and they will know to keep boundaries really clear and help you to think about the function of the long emails and a more effective way of using them.

By the time I’ve written this the post is likely to have moved on so apologies if it no longer makes sense!

Good luck OP - I hope there are smoother seas ahead for you

@RaineyMae, please listen to @Lostmarbles2021. And don’t listen to some of the posters here

The therapist is the one who failed there. Autism or not.

If there is one place where you should be yourself is in front of a therapist.

At the very least, whatever paradigm she worked in, she sounds inexperienced. None of what happened was your fault - after all, that's why you're in therapy: you are facing perhaps overwhelming difficulties of one kind or another.

She should have drawn clearer boundaries.
She should have enforced them.
She should have clarified expectations, e.g. 50 minutes at the same time, every time, no mind-changing once there is a cancellation, and no rescheduling to accommodate a different time barring exceptional circumstances.
She should not have said you were overwhelming, unless she was mirroring something back to you, in which case this is part of the work.
She has no obligation to schedule a closing session, and in this case I think it would have done more harm than good because the alliance had unravelled irrevocably due to her mismanagement.

Clients act out all the time, and sometimes it takes a shit-load of strength and support to tolerate this as a therapist. And still: the responsibility lies with them, and not you.

@BananaHammock23 -

I'm having a very difficult week for personal reasons.

I was actually dropped a few weeks back - but it kind of all came back to me tonight.

It is helpful to vent out my hurt and frustration even if I don't come across as absorbing what's being said back to me - if only because it's certainly not going too good for me to be internalising it.

What you wrote in the long emails - was it sort of stream of consciousness ie writing down thoughts as they came without filter? Also did you read through what you had written a few times before sending? Did you find it hard to focus when on the talking sessions?

I do completely understand why you feel rejected, as this was someone you had trusted and a relationship of sorts. It might help if you try to stop rationalising and thinking about who was to blame and set it aside to think about later, and spend a bit of time being kind to yourself - buy yourself a card and chocolates, have a nice bath and watch a film or something. Pamper and comfort yourself. Say to yourself what you wish she had said to you in the last session.

Decide what to do about therapy in a couple of days, no pressure..

Lots of people aren't able to engage well in therapy, or take time to find the right person, it isn't just you, don't worry

It would help you to read through everything you have written to her a few times very carefully now. Things will occur to you and may fall into place for you a bit more. Try to form your own judgements on things. It might help to keep going, write down how you feel whenever you want to and read through it a few times. The reading through helps you put it in context. This may all help you decide what you want to do about therapy in a few days' time.

Omg. So intense. Please back off and reflect.

Thank you @Lostmarbles2021 @KeepingTrack

I appreciate the kind words.

BTW - there are specialist agencies ( 'Living Well with Autism for example') which may be a good place for you to try and get the help you need. ASD can make it hard to understand why behaviour which seems ok to you is not acceptable to most neuro-typicals. I do hope you get the help you are looking for.

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

You need to not contact her again. You realise that therapists are in quite a dangerous job, dont you? Sending essays by email almost every day, sending agendas for your sessions (instead of letting the therapist just do the job you're paying for), cancelling sessions, then pestering them during the cancelled slot, then sending an email telling her she was very mean to you for not allowing you to use time in the session THAT YOU CANCELLED, then you send her an apology email, then a box of chocolates and a card, and now an email asking to see her again.

She might very well be worried about your behaviour towards her. Leave her alone.

Get yourself a psychiatrist. Get daily sessions. Work through your stuff slowly and really let them do their job. Stop trying to be in control of it all.

Yeah this, in spades. I'm sorry things didn't go how you wanted but you need to let go, now.

@Raineymae

The relationship with this therapist has now ended. It is incredibly difficult when things don't plan out as you expected, and especially when there is then an abrupt and unexpected (to you) ending. You are allowed to feel upset by this. However, you do need to accept that this therapeutic relationship has ended.

The best thing for you to try and do in this situation is to plan your next steps, which do not involve this therapist.

Where in the country are you? Personally, I've found therapist who have a genuine understanding of ASC are incredibly rare. I've managed to find someone who works with a local autism charity. Are you aware of something similar near you? In turn, a more informed therapist could then help you to deal with this ending, fully understanding your differences in communication style and why misunderstandings may have happened.

Good luck.

Look perhaps they are a shit therapist

How is dwelling on it going to help you. You need to move forward. And you say you don’t have years this is an immediate situation.

Well then honestly, this is not for a therapist. Proper therapy takes years, you’re trying to rush it all. We don’t know why you’re in therapy, but if it’s something you think you need fixing ASAP. Then you’re going to find fault with all of your therapists.

I did 5 years. And I’m pretty standard.

It’s not there to fix you or fix a problem like a medical procedure.

[quote RaineyMae]@WhatMattersMost

I do have a diagnosis.

She was a psychologist.[/quote]
A psychologist? I'm assuming a "counselling psychologist". Honestly, I may be biased, but I don't think they are as equipped to work with clients with complex presenting problems as psychotherapists. But I'm happy for someone to set me straight.

I honestly can't understand why she wouldn't have put another hour into closing off the relationship in a way which is not so damaging for me.

If it's unlikely to be helpful. I knew of a situation where the client dumps for as long as any listener listens, regardless if they're a therapist or a receptionist. Any more than 20-30 minutes of this and the person decompensates and needs emergency medical care. It's spectacularly unhelpful and never reaches a therapeutic place. The clients wants unreserved positive feedback for hours but if they get it, they end up in hospital.

Your wanting to send multiple emails, with massive detail and get positive feedback reminds me of that.

How long were the emails? Pages? A good therapist would need to read them not scan but that's hours of work.

Instead of telling you my opinion - can I tell you the whole story in full detail - so that you can make your own opinion from the 'data''

I see - that makes more sense.

It sounds like you've had a really rough time and I can absolutely see why you might want to get a fresh pair of eyes on the situation if you're feeling that you don't necessarily trust yourself, but I would just say that all of this backstory stuff would usually come out gradually during the course of the therapy as you get to know each other and build up trust over time.

To be honest, it sounds like you were working far harder than necessary to get therapy to work for you, and it sounds like that had the effect of her having to work equally hard in reading all your extra emails.

She might also have felt that the fact you were giving her so much background information upfront suggested that you didn't trust her to do her job and pick up on the salient points gradually over time, as it sounds like she didn't have much of a chance to contribute to the conversation before the next set of emails arrived in her inbox, so she might have felt that she wasn't able to add much value doing things that way.

That said, she definitely should have set clearer boundaries at the beginning, and should have clarified what you wanted out of the therapy and how it would be structured, as it sounds like that led to the breakdown.

I'm neurodivergent too, and I find that I have much better relationships with professionals when I have a conversation about expectations and boundaries at the start, as I do talk (and email) far too many words if given half the chance - nowadays, I work very very hard on trimming things down in email, having learned the hard way too!

I also find that journalling (or even just sending emails to myself) is very helpful therapy for me too (I do it most days), because much of the time, I find it's more about getting it out of my system and reflecting on things myself rather than finding out what someone else thinks of it. So journalling might be a helpful way to distil some of your thoughts before you put them in writing to a therapist, so that you really get your money's worth from the sessions themselves.

I get why you'd want your therapist to know everything before they speak to you about the issue, but it's absolutely normal for them to gradually chip away at things over time - therapy shouldn't be this hard!

@Lostmarbles2021 - A perfect post.

@newsandshoes - at the risk of being accused of epic drip feeding - the next item on my agenda is actually not a bath or flowers but urgent surgery.

I didn't write it in the OP - because she didn't know about it - and it's not fair to judge her in the context of what she didn't know - but one of the reasons I melted down so epically when I did is that that was the week I got unexpectedly told I needed urgent surgery.

It made an already fragile life set up feel completely out of control.

If someone sent me too many emails (I'm not a therapist, but I do mentor people within my profession), I'd say something like, 'that's too many emails for me to get my head around and I may end up confused about what's really important to you in this- perhaps you could summarise them into (whatever) number of words?' That would have got things under control and might even have helped you think through what the most important things were that you felt she needed to hear- which might have helped you in itself. Seems odd to me that a therapist can't deal with this sort of problem better- it can't be rare in their job.

@RaineyMae it’s probably best for you to work with a qualified specialist adult autism psychiatrist with a multi-disciplinary team as you sound like you might need more complex intervention. PP have given some good advice regarding autism specialist centres etc.

Counselling psychologists are well equipped to work with a range of presenting issues, but it always boils down to experience and being able to work ethically, having a good supervisor etc.

I may be biased, but I don't think they are as equipped to work with clients with complex presenting problems as psychotherapists. But I'm happy for someone to set me straight.

I think the exact opposite

Psychotherapy isn't any better than active listening for many people. There are studies showing it, in my phone so I can't find any!

She sounds very unprofessional and perhaps unsuited to the job if she's got upset or taken things personally. I hope you find someone better, just a pity you've had wasted time and been upset by the lack of response which is so rude, never mind unprofessional.

Was the situation with your dc the main thing you were wanting help with? If so, is it worth changing usernames and identifying details and posting about it on mumsnet to get advice? It might be that you could do with a different sort of support now, if you are currently in the midst of it with the problems, you may benefit from practical advice or other? Save the therapy for when the problem is resolved?

Hi op, my therapist emails me homework or links for stuff to do with our sessions, I sometimes get overwhelmed & email her occasionally but it would only be like once a week, I am very mindful of her time also that I might be too much for her to handle, a burden etc, I don’t want to scare her. Most of my emails I never send as what I do is take forever to type them, keep editing them, then I save to drafts, go back the next day, edit many more times, then decide that I no longer need to send it as the answers are within my message or I am able to think more clearly now all the noise is out of my head & in the message, if that makes sense? I think someone else already said something about emailing yourself, could you try this?

Oh OP. I meet a lot of people with similar tendencies to you. I work with people who have ASC tendencies, it takes a very Autism-aware individual to manage the relationship and give you what you need.
For a therapist without understanding of ASD, when you share this level of detail about your life, it can feel as though you expect her to remember it all and ‘ise’ the information somehow. Coupled with intense emotions and your dependency on her, the therapist can feel as though you are making her responsible for your life and wellbeing. That is too much of a burden.

My advice:

1. Look for a solution focused therapist. Solution focussed brief therapy does not dig around in the past. Backstory does not matter- it’s gone. What matters is the here and now. The therapist is not tasked with understanding or interpreting you and telling you about yourself. SFBT is about helping YOU to notice what works for YOU day to day, and to do more of it. It is very pragmatic. It works well for people on the spectrum, I find. Going over the past and picking apart your life looking for patterns and reasons and meanings only feeds the anxiety- taking a deep breath and refucusing on the here and now and what works for you in the moment will help you, I think.

If the therapist has experience of working with people with ASC, so much the better.

1. Start journalling to share your feelings and get your thoughts straight, rather than sharing with others.

1. Consider mindfulness as a way of coping with overwhelming emotion in the moment, e.g. before a meeting.

1. Go easy on yourself and go easy on others too. Try to avoid thinking/saying the word “should”, either about yourself or about others. Going around with strong

ideas of how people should behave puts pressure on them (and on yourself). Try to loosen up your expectations - it’s a good way not to be disappointed.

Good luck OP.