My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

What I've noticed here is that you ignore anyone giving you advice for moving forward. You just dont listen to it. You reply to the people simply saying "you were wrong" but only to argue with them about why you did what you did, and you reply to the peoppe agreeing with you/explaining your behaviour to say "exactly, that's it". But you dont say a word to anyone suggesting where you go from here.

Makes me think you dont actually feel ready for help yet. You either want to data dump until people agree with you, or you want affirmation that you are right.

She didn't set up proper clear rules and boundaries- that's on her.

She didn't speak out and warn you that your emails / your behaviours are too much - that's on her.

She let you believe everything was fine (reading your posts the emails thing was more than a one off and used in your f2f sessions) - that's on her.

She attempted something that either she couldn't handle or wasn't trained for - that's on her.

You cancelled the session - that's on you.

You realised you needed support despite cancelling and insisted on it - that's on you.

You kept at it even after being fired in an attempt to seek closure- that's on you, but understandable.

However, she's the professional and it was her responsibility to manage you,your expectations and put strong,clear boundaries in place. If you were able to regulate yourself , manage your feelings and behaviours and react reasonably when overwhelmed, you wouldn't need a therapist.

It doesn't mean you're beyond help, just that you need a better trained and experienced therapist with strong boundaries in place. Preferably someone that also specialises in adult ASD patients. It's hard but not impossible. It's also not a reflection on you or your difficulties.

@eekbumbler The other qualifications can be achieved with the shoddiest of courses.

I don’t know anything about psychologists, but it takes a minimum of 4+ years study to postgraduate level, and 450 hours of clinical practice to register as a licensed psychotherapist. So no, you are wrong.

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen I don’t understand why people are describing me as just wanting someone to agree with me. My opening position with the therapist was “I am confused and overwhelmed - can you help me understand”.

I’m not really engaging with people who are setting out ideas where to go forwards because overall I’ve absorbed loud and clear that I’m more trouble than I’m worth.

It all seems incredibly complicated - with the most likely outcome that I’ll waste my time and money and emotional energy to achieve making someone feel uncomfortable around me. Or that I will end up making a project out of obsessively looking out for the therapists ego and wellbeing and basically pull back when I feel myself becoming invested or emotional.

I know people mean well - but it is at odds with my self-talk which is all about raising my boundaries higher and training myself to be more self-sufficient (which I normally am. It’s just been one hell of a year).

IRL I’m not looking for a therapist now. If anything - I am back-pedalling out of other friendly-professional relationships in my life where maybe I have been over-open and over chatty.

I’m seeing myself in a potentially very negative light in all professional relationships coming out of this one - so my inner voice is hammering ‘say less; say less; say less’.

That’s really not what people are saying though.

I think it would be a shame if these negative inferences are your take home from this situation - given how many people, including practising therapists, have said that the therapist was at fault.

It takes a while to find the right therapist, even for NT people without your specific challenges.

[quote RaineyMae]@Librariesmakeshhhhappen I don’t understand why people are describing me as just wanting someone to agree with me. My opening position with the therapist was “I am confused and overwhelmed - can you help me understand”.

I’m not really engaging with people who are setting out ideas where to go forwards because overall I’ve absorbed loud and clear that I’m more trouble than I’m worth.

It all seems incredibly complicated - with the most likely outcome that I’ll waste my time and money and emotional energy to achieve making someone feel uncomfortable around me. Or that I will end up making a project out of obsessively looking out for the therapists ego and wellbeing and basically pull back when I feel myself becoming invested or emotional.

I know people mean well - but it is at odds with my self-talk which is all about raising my boundaries higher and training myself to be more self-sufficient (which I normally am. It’s just been one hell of a year).

IRL I’m not looking for a therapist now. If anything - I am back-pedalling out of other friendly-professional relationships in my life where maybe I have been over-open and over chatty.

I’m seeing myself in a potentially very negative light in all professional relationships coming out of this one - so my inner voice is hammering ‘say less; say less; say less’.[/quote]
Oh Op, I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way and backed into a corner.

I hope you find a way forward,whatever that might be.

Atm you're in "keeping safe" mode , which is understandable. Hopefully, in time you'll find the strength to look for help again. Because you do deserve help and are worth it.

I mean overall from the whole experience.

Whatever I was and what I offered wasn’t worth a termination session to close off politely - let alone a bit of active management to reach a point where everyone was comfortable.

So I got cut abruptly because it wasn’t worth the trouble to talk to me.

Good luck today OP. I hope it goes as well as it can.

Your actions were understandable in context and if how you describe it is all of the facts then your therapist could have handled it a lot better. I know this as I work in that field.

You don’t need to prove to anyone else these things so let this thread go and in a couple of weeks you can come back to it if it’s still causing you upset.

There is always learning to be had when we behave in ways that cause others upset but you were overwhelmed and struggling. Forgive yourself for anything you feel you did that was wrong. You did your best. Your therapist did her best. What’s done is done. If, when the dust settles, you want to look into her professional registration and take it further do. For now. Just for now let it go.

For today focus on looking after yourself and getting through today.

We all wish you well today on what will be a difficult day.

That’s not why the therapist did that though. It’s not that you weren’t worth the trouble to talk to.

First - she didn’t have appropriate boundaries with you

Second - you don’t listen to what people say very well. That may be a feature of your autism. And she wasn’t well experienced to deal with that. But. From her point of view it’s not that it’s not worth the trouble, it’s that you don’t listen and that there is nothing to be gained from continuing because you’re not taking on board her no (which she should have dealt with by having boundaries - as per point above).

I’m not really engaging with people who are setting out ideas where to go forwards because overall I’ve absorbed loud and clear that I’m more trouble than I’m worth
People are giving advice on where to go and they're giving advice on how to manage your expectations of a professional relationship.

Turning this into how you're not going to seek professional help because you're clearly more trouble than you're worth reads like a guilt-tripping move, and an unhealthy one at that designed to get people to agree with you.

I hope today goes well and when you're in a clearer frame of mind you can take on board the advice people have given.

I understand that you are feeling hurt, but you are being very dramatic. It sounds like you want to blame your ex-therapist for ruining other professional relationships, and that isn't really fair. Maybe you could check in with the other professionals if you are feeling concerned?

You can't control other people, even if they are your therapist. It seems like your understanding of how much of the therapist you "owned" is a bit skewed. Just like you aren't entitled to a phone call to say the things you wanted, you aren't entitled to a termination session if the therapist doesn't agree. The bit you have control over is walking away and finding another therapist if you wish.

@RaineyMae

I mean overall from the whole experience.

Whatever I was and what I offered wasn’t worth a termination session to close off politely - let alone a bit of active management to reach a point where everyone was comfortable.

So I got cut abruptly because it wasn’t worth the trouble to talk to me.

Honestly, from everything you said so far don’t think it’s that. It’s not a wholesale rejection of you, my opinion is it’s due to your behaviour around cancelling the appointment at short notice then demanding a pep talk in the slot once it was cancelled. You’ve had lots of people tell you that’s not how therapy sessions work. I think you need to accept this point now. I don’t think it’s productive for you to keep going over this now, it’s over, I think birth parties were at fault essentially but you’re not the professional in the relationship. Good luck for your op today

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

There was nothing to listen to.

She didn’t say ‘fewer emails please’ or ‘cancellation means cancellation and it is inappropriate to try to retrieve something from a cancelled session’ or ‘I can’t address this many issues presented to me in a lump’.

She said ‘okay … okay ….. okay … okay … STOP silence ‘

You’re really not in a space where you can take on board what’s being said on this thread and I think it would be helpful for you to step away and focus on your operation today.

Good luck I hope it goes well.

@Stompythedinosaur I did check it with my other professional relationships - though after having been told off here for sending chocolates here I’m worried that I messed that up too.

I flat out said to another person I have an emotional-professional link with ‘I just got dumped for being overwhelming. If I’m overwhelming can you please tell me to ‘stop’ rather than telling me to go away’. That person laughed and said that I was fine - that sometimes things are just like that.

But that person you checked it with is a different person - is not the therapist - and therefore will have a different reaction.

@Birkie248

I’ve accepted that I screwed up with how I handled the cancellation. Even in my emails at the time - I was clear that I understood that I had no right to demand - but that I was struggling.

My grievance isn’t that.

It’s the refusal to give me an hour to debrief what happened and replan with her support.

I thought that managing endings is something therapists are supposed to do unless they feel the client is abusive.

It feels really upsetting to think that I’m flagged ‘abusive’.

Op, I mean this kindly but step away from this thread a bit and come back and read it with an open mind in a few days and really reflect on what has been said here.

Lots of advice and kindness has been shown on this thread yet you seem to want to cast yourself as a victim. Both you and the therapist acted unreasonably. You can't do anything to change what happened with her but you can with your unrealistic expectations of what the therapist was there for.

Good luck today.

You haven’t been flagged abusive. I will guarantee that.

@Longestfewdaysupcoming - yes - it was a different person - they find me funny which is a much more sustainable way to be with me - but I’ve basically been quiet with everyone since ‘just in case’ I overtalk and mess up another relationship.

Sure - I’ll step away.

Thanks for the input everyone.

I am trying to listen and I appreciate people who have been kind (and those who have given bracing feedback with good intentions).

I’m obviously really upset about the situation, the craziness of life right now and general bruised feelings - it is a very intense period in my life - but I’ll try to keep processing it.

[quote RaineyMae]@Birkie248

I’ve accepted that I screwed up with how I handled the cancellation. Even in my emails at the time - I was clear that I understood that I had no right to demand - but that I was struggling.

My grievance isn’t that.

It’s the refusal to give me an hour to debrief what happened and replan with her support.

I thought that managing endings is something therapists are supposed to do unless they feel the client is abusive.

It feels really upsetting to think that I’m flagged ‘abusive’.[/quote]
The therapist might just be an a-hole, they may be choosing to not abide by the rules (wrongly), maybe you just contacted them beyond a point they could deal with and the ‘data dump’ way of emailing was just too much, could be other unknown reasons, they were unprofessional by not having firm boundaries. honestly I think you’re hurting yourself by going over this point again and again.

I am also neuro diverse and have trouble letting go sometimes. You need to work on that OP.

Also have you heard of Transactional analysis where you need to learn to relate as an adult to people and disconnect from the parent / child relationships? Both in your latter posts on here and also to your therapist you are putting yourself lower than the other to change the situation. For as long as you do that you won't be giving yourself the respect you deserved as an adult.

Fwiw I think your therapist handled the ending very badly. I can imagine it would have been hard for a neurotypical person let alone a neuro diverse. Unfortunately we live in a neurotypical world though so we have to get used to their games.

Is your therapist registered with the bacp? www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/get-help-with-counselling-concerns-service/
My therapist stopped seeing me without any warning? Is that ok?
Ending therapy abruptly without any warning would not be considered best practice in most instances.

Whether you're entering into short or long term therapy, the ending should not come as a surprise but should be planned, discussed and agreed between you both. Your therapist should be aware that endings can be difficult, so they will start talking about the end of therapy several sessions before it is due. They may even discuss it at the start. For example, with short term therapy this can be at the very beginning, with a planned beginning, middle and ending explained in the first session.

Addressing the end of therapy early on means you have time to get used to the idea and that any anxiety or new problems that arise can be dealt with in the remaining sessions.

You may want to contact the bacp for advice on how to move on.