My therapist fired me

[RaineyMae]

We had an agreement that I was allowed to email (with paid for reading time).

The content of one batch of emails got emotive and she took it as criticism.

Fired me by email on the grounds that I am ‘overwhelming’.

Ghosted my apology for upsetting her and my request for a termination session.

AIBU to feel hard done by?

@mobear - the point is that I can't go inpatient without dropping my caring responsibilities .

And if I dropped my caring responsibilities - then I am no longer stressed and there is nothing to treat.

@Foxhasbigsocks

I’ve had three sets of counselling at different times in my life. The first person I saw was a qualified psychologist working as a counsellor and she was outstanding. The second individual was woeful and barely listened to me. The third was very good.

None of them noticed/engaged with the fact that I likely have adult ADHD. My experience is that the mental health professions are not always great at understanding or spotting neurodiversity. I have ND dc and now on the brink of going for a dx myself.

As a CBT therapist with ADHD (ADD) I agree! In fact ADHD in females is so rarely recognised and often not taken seriously. The diagnosis in children is usually when we adults say, “hang on, my children and I are the same so do I have it too?”.

@RaineyMae very best of luck with your surgery

@mobear the single time I asked for an email response or a phonecall was within the hour that I had paid for.

That is not 'step by step' support.

It's not something that she contractually had to offer - but it wasn't imposing on her time any more than if I'd managed to make it to the session would have imposed on her time.

It just felt very shit that I could access zero support that day because the demands on me had suddenly grown even bigger.

I accept that that was my problem not hers.

But I felt sorry for myself.

[quote RaineyMae]@mobear - the point is that I can't go inpatient without dropping my caring responsibilities .

And if I dropped my caring responsibilities - then I am no longer stressed and there is nothing to treat.[/quote]
I understand what u meant. I am also a parent carer for my autistic daughter and am having counselling becuase of it. To help come to terms with it and deal with day to day responsibility. So i can definitely relate to what u was saying i also picked up on u being possibly autistic , i too can be quite intense so get that too. I do believe therapy is possible, as someone has suggested a carer charity maybe be able to provide relevant suport. And good luck with surgery tomorrow

what's wrong with mailing chocolates?

I upset her - and on a human level I was very sorry for that.

Chocolates is universal gesture of 'I'm apologise'

@RaineyMae
Your card and chocolates after she had made it clear that she did not wish to have further contact were likely to have been perceived by her as manipulative attempts to restore the counseling relationship.

I suspect that she saw your meltdown and the demands you made on the day you wanted to get some value out of your paid for and canceled appointment in the same vein.

Did you express any feelings of desperation or feelings that you could only cope if you had her encouragement, etc, on that day?

A therapist cannot work professionally with a client who is attempting to co-opt her into the client's drama.

I think the ending wasn’t handled well by the therapist and you should have had clearer instructions about boundaries if that’s what the issue was. As a therapist you expect people to be overwhelmed and you manage that with boundaries and information about how therapy could work best for the individual. I would feel upset in your shoes as you were vulnerable and should expect more from a professional. Best of luck for tomorrow.

@mathanxiety - no - I didn't emotionally blackmail.

I said that I knew that cancelled meant cancelled - and that there was nothing personal in her not responding - but that it felt really tough to not be able to get anything positive out of my paid for slot on what was a difficult day.

@RaineyMae I didn’t say that you should, and I acknowledged that it doesn’t suit everyone’a situation, but it is how you form the kind of relationship you want to form with a psychiatrist at speed, otherwise these things take time to develop.

If you’re not in crisis but need someone to unpack your problems with perhaps you should consider a life coach. I don’t have experience with them but I think they might be more likely to assist with decision making and give you the pep talks you’re looking for. That’s not really what a psychiatrist is for.

I think she's perhaps uncomfortable with your behaviour towards her.
The constant emailing, changes of schedule and erratic behaviour, followed by sending gifts, is inappropriate. I think she's worried about your attachment to her and I think she's made the right call to be honest.
Don't contact her again.

I want my chocolates back now!

That is emotional blackmail though. You said it felt really tough, then highlighted that you had paid, pushing the idea that you felt you hadn’t gotten what you’d paid for, although it was you who cancelled. It’s not appropriate to email your therapist with that. They can’t be at your beck and call when you cancel your appointment. You wouldn’t expect it from a dentist, gp, any other service.

It feels unfair and kind of personal - however much Pp are telling me that cutting annoying clients off without warning is within the professional remit of how a therapist operates.

It is unfair OP. Endings, however they come about should be handled really thoughtfully. Cutting annoying clients off is most definitely NOT within the remit. It’s damaging and doing harm to end a therapeutic relationship in the way you have described.

If you were abusive to her then that would be a reason to stop working with someone, but that would need to be stated very clearly and in a kind and thoughtful way.

It is NEVER ok to blame a clients overwhelm.

It sounds like you have a really big day ahead of you tomorrow and you have a huge amount on your plate. I’m not sure if this would fit for you and how you tick but I have a suggestion you can take or leave.

How about writing down three things you want to say to her (so you don’t spend ages on it - may be set yourself a time limit - it doesn’t have to be complete or perfect) put it in an envelope with her name on it and then place it somewhere to post if you still feel the need in a couple of weeks. You can then may be feel like you’ve communicated today enough to put it to one side and focus on looking after yourself tonight.

What helps to feel calm? Distraction? Relaxation? Bath? Book? Music? Chat with a friend? Cleaning? Whatever you feel you need and is possible do that now. Can you take a moment to put together a self soothing pack for tomorrow? Think of your five senses. A small teddy, a nice smelling hand cream or room mist, a soothing play list etc.

Life is sending you some really tough stuff. Be kind to yourself as much as you can.

Sending you care and comfort

Please MNers no more telling the OP where she went wrong. At this point that is NOT helpful. It is not the clients responsibility to set boundaries and a good therapist can handle far worse in a professional and compassionate manner.

But that was her setting a boundary, you cancel it’s over. That session has gone
That’s a boundary, you cannot just pick it up again.
I would think that was glaringly obvious

In the one hand you wanted boundaries and the other you wanted to push the only boundaries she set.

@mobear - I tried approaching less qualified people - and it was quickly clear that they were out of their depth talking about the DC things that I needed debriefing on.

Last thing I need is to be infected by someone else's panic.

I do hear what you're saying Lostmarbles2021, but we really only have one side here and it's someone who seems like they're perhaps not necessarily objective.
I agree it was the therapist's role to maintain boundaries, but the OP has shown that she regularly overstep boundaries and gets defensive about it, so it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that the therapist has been putting boundaries in place and done things properly prior to the email terminating the professional relationship.

@Kanaloa - honestly that kind of thing is why generally I talk to no one about anything.

It's like emotional chess.

At what point am I expressing myself and stating what I need - and at what point am I breaching boundaries in a way that can't be fixed?

To quote Mumsnet 'No is a complete sentence' - and would have been appropriate long before it became to the point of cutting off with no debrief session or onwards referrals IMO.

A lot of things about the therapy relationship are very different to how you would talk to a friend - and its not something that you witness others doing - so there isn't that 'model' to look at to understand how to 'do it'.

You can witness others doing it when doing group therapy - I agree with the previous suggestion of reading on what therapy is and isn't, but my first thoughts on reading this is that it may be useful to do something very different, work more of developing skills than focusing on ruminating over getting all the details right. It's hard, I know that well (I have babbles in my username for a reason), but a different way may help. Of course, then you have to deal with others' emotions too.

Some of the things aren't what therapists do, like the pep talk, but they can help you build skills to get those needs met elsewhere and by learning how to take the self awareness you already have of seeing the bits that 'hurt' in your writing to work through them yourself. Sometimes group therapy can have parts of it that are peppy or helping to process - that depending on the type as others have said but the support normally comes from others in group being facilitated by the therapist and its not on call. There are so many different types and modes of therapy - I don't do one on one talking therapies well, haven't since I was little - I was 'fired' once as a teenager for not engaging enough, no final session, but I'd lost trust in her by that point anyway so it didn't matter to me. I know others who prefer walking therapies/dance therapy/things that bring in a more physical component, there is something to be said of moving emotions and thoughts through the body to help with processing.

No idea if the therapist was right or wrong, good or bad, it's likely a combination of all of the above. There are certainly some things you've written that don't reflect well on how you handled the last session and as I said I agree it may be good to read more into therapies to get clarity on what they offer rather than expecting someone's boundaries to be 'strong enough' for what you want.

And for sure I've asked a GP surgery to fit me in short notice if I had something that needed looking at.

And plumbers.

Sometimes the answer is 'yes' sometimes its 'no'.

I maybe wouldn't tell them that I felt disappointed to have to take cold showers - but they are not engaged with my emotional regulation - whereas a therapist is.

Would have been fair for her to call me out on it being dysfunctional behaviour (e.g. to make that the next session and put me on a warning) - but the way it went down I didn't see as proportional to the trigger.

The basics are in therapy.
You cancel. It’s over.
See you next week.
That’s the very very basics.

You cannot change your mind.

@RaineyMae It seems your psychiatrist was also out of their depth though.

As previous poster’s have suggested, I think you might benefit from a specialist who has a better understanding of ASD or from advice from a carers charity - but I think at the same time you need to work on your expectations and accept it’s going to take some time to build up a relationship with this person.

Op, you have had 13 pages of endless circling round and discussing this issue. Is MN giving you some of the input that you crave? I wonder if as well as your issues, you just want and feel the need for vast amounts of input…..and on one level it doesn’t matter what it’s about.

The thing is, you need to accept that none of us can make an accurate judgement on this because all we have is a very partial account of what happened. I hope you can see yourself that you are unlikely to be a totally balanced or neutral deceiver of events here. Therefore, we cannot give categorical answers about if the therapist was wrong or not. Lots of people have been able to comment about behaviours you have described from yourself, but of course the therapist might well describe events differently and we would reach different judgements.

Isn’t the key thing really, what happens now? You need to move on. For whatever reason, this therapist hasn’t worked out. You haven’t had a final session and you need to accept it’s not going to happen. Dwelling on it with endless MN posts is just keeping your upset alive, rather than you moving on from it.

If you want a new therapist you need to find one. And you need to learn from what has happened with the old therapist. Tell the new one that you have had some boundary issues and felt disappointed with how things ended and you’d like them to put in place extremely clear boundaries and enforce them.

Are you willing to look now to your therapy future rather than endlessly dwelling on things like whether you received a ‘character assassination’ or if you should have received some input after cancelling, because you had paid. Or do you just want to go round in circles and are determined to feel hard done by in all this?

If you have big issues in your life, find a new therapist to help start addressing those. Your old therapist isn’t the big issue….don’t make it one or let it become one as that is simply a distraction from the real issues.

You were stating what you need/want when you asked your therapist to phone you during a session she had cancelled.

She then refused this, and you did not appreciate that she had refused and sent her messages saying she you felt this was harsh/tough. Quite a few people have pointed out that this was inappropriate.

So you did ask for what you wanted, she stated that she could not give you this, and you told her that you thought that was harsh. What you seem to be struggling with is accepting that what you need/want can’t always be given. You had cancelled the appointment which is unfortunate but means you no longer had a right to the therapist’s time during that session.

It sounds like a major boundary issue. I'd guess that didn't get what agreeing to the emails meant in reality. She was then stuck as she probably knew you'd react badly to feedback as it would probably feel like rejection and she knew you were already struggling. She got backed into a corner.

Then your 'unreasonable behaviour' pushed it over the edge.

Probably not her finest hour professionally but I get it from her side.

HOWEVER. I get your position totally too. I've done a lot of therapy for a while with various therapists. I worked with one in a way a bit like you describe. It became overwhelming as it was non stop. No idea why she didn't fire me tbh.
Since I've worked with a new chap and the boundaries are rock solid. Emailing for scheduling changes, I can request an extra paid session and that's it. It's honestly far more therapeutically helpful to be clear on what's what.

Move on, don't reject therapy out of hand...you need to find someone more experienced I'd say.

She didn't refuse - she didn't reply.

And me finding it tough is an objective fact.

It doesn't mean that I think she behaved wrongly.

Also, it isn’t the same as asking a gp to fit you in short notice. It would be like cancelling an appointment with a gp, then phoning up and asking for a chat about your symptoms anyway.

I’m not trying to be harsh, as I said I have had many years of therapy myself. It’s a long and difficult journey, and one of the hardest things I’ve learned is that there’s no quick fix, it required changing my outlook on everything, including myself.