Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

handholding please. son (16) looking uklikely to get back into school for his last term (school has no 6th form) due to anxiety/depression. so sad that his friends will celebrate together and go off to 6th form and he is struggling to leave the house. i hate this. im angry at the world . i want my happy son back . i want him to fulfill his potential and thrive and have friendships and relationships and all the stuff you do at 16. thanks .

@stilllivinginazoo sorry to hear about your daughter. its bloody hard to observe isnt it?

@lu9months I’m sorry to hear that. It’s really hard to think of all the things our kids will miss out on. Is he getting any help from CAMHS?

@lu9months, we have got a psychologis privately, luckily, which he does find helpful. appreciate so many dont have that option

Lu I'm sorry that circs have added to what is a very hard time for your D's.and that it has taken away from him the chance to celebrate with his year group and friends(dd2 went thru GCSE debacle last year)

thank you @Stilllivinginazoo hope things start to improve for you and your family

How's everyone doing?
We have a meeting this week with dd2 school to try and work out s slow transition back in.shes very very overwhelmingly stressed about it

It’s ok here but I’m expecting trouble today at DD1 has to go back to school tomorrow and she’s ‘too fat’. Also at some point she’s going to have to sing solo and this is making her very anxious.

DD2 is also likely to be hard work today. She’s not behaving very well with her friends and I don’t know how to handle it. She has a group of friends at school but her preference would be to never go out at all and so she dodges invitations to meet up outside school but then gets really upset when they have shared experiences that don’t include her. She has a friend who lives round the corner who she goes to school with (thank goodness or I don’t think she’d have gone to school half the time!) but at the end of the day she says she feels very overwhelmed and just wants to go home alone so she rushes out of the school and gets the tube without her friend who is left coming along behind on her own. I would be very hurt if I was the friend and I know DD2 would be too if it were the other way round. I want to approach this with her but I worry that she’ll just get angry and threaten not to go to school at all. I know from another mum that the friend was upset when DD2 first did it. I get that DD2 wants to be on her own but also she’s in yr8 now and needs to be able to put up with a bit of irritation for the sake of others feelings to some degree. It’s only 20mins home at the end of the day and then she can hibernate when she gets home!

What do others think?

bigbus lil zoo and dd2 both like it.it depends on your child as if I mention anything to lil zoo feathers would fly,but dd1 would take it on board and then be "peopled out" afterwards to preserve the frirndship

Hi back lurking again as after months of relative calm am back In A&E with DD1 after she self harmed to the point of needing stitches on her arm.

@teelizzy I’m sorry to hear that. What a stressful situation to be in.

teelizzy oh lovely,I'm so sorry.do you know what triggered it?sending big hugs

Thanks @Stilllivinginazoo and @Bigbus

I wish I knew.

She's doing ok, really she is but self harm is just so grim to see. She is covered in self inflicted scars from cuts and burns over the last 18 months.

She's anxious about all sorts of things, had a horrible experience with bullying last year and the disruption of lockdown has compounded things as she finds change stressful.

I think she was brewing up to an episode (it's 7 months since she spent a week admitted after swallowing a battery, which was 5 months after the previous admission, which was 2 months after the previous admission) and returning to school has been a focus. She saw another girl unscrewing the blade from a pencil sharpener which triggered her. Not sure what to think as she had blades on her.

She's seeing a therapist she likes (and who DH and I rate) and we've got her DBT sessions. She's started in Citalopram a couple of weeks back and increasing the dose a few days ago may be a factor.

I know it could be far, far worse but OMG to see your beautiful child disfiguring herself is so hard.

teelizzy, it must be horrendous for you, wish I could offer words of wisdom but all I have is sympathy, I hope the citalopram and therapist start to make a positive difference, I hope DD is ok

teelizzy I'm glad she has a good relationship with therapist and echo what runner says
What are you doing for yourself as this will take so much emotional resources you must remember to charge your own battery to keep on helping support her

Thanks both. DH and I are managing, just about. I'd been very low with all of this as she'd been shutting me out but seemed to hit the right note yesterday.

I know what you mean about recharging. I've just signed off work for the rest of the week- helpfully they have been v understanding - as DD said she can't face going in to school today.
Fair enough and school have been really good at working with us.

DH started a new job 3 weeks ago so am wondering whether I should think about a longer leave of absence.

tee it's good to hear work are supportive with absence

We had a meeting at dd2 school yesterday afternoon regarding phased return.shes been out since October having huge problems with side effects of anti depressants followed by coming off/lockdown and no improvement in MH.she has been absolutely vile tempered fretting over it past few days and had nervous tummy 24 hrs before we attended.late due to massive panic attack and she shook uncontrollable entire time there
Upshot is going in to see peers that cannot go home during free periods on Friday for one lesson(50 minutes)
Repeat next week plus sit outside one of each subject lesson(3)
Then review in hope can jump back in

I personally think it's too quick,but her HOY is very nice and open to any concerns if she wants to email him.
Massive meltdown when got home
Her anxiety has gone from bad to horrendous.
As she's refusing to try any other anti depressants we have no alternative really but to press forward with some level of returning to "normality"(hate that word)or her world continues to shrink.shes at point kicks off if I go out and leave her(demands I take phone if I po shops and she won't come with me etc).
Friday will be first time seen any peers since october- has seen one friend from school,but they took different a levels and she's in different times

DS has orthodontics today.he has no desire/care about way he looks,or that has a tooth in roof of mouth so we will have to see if anything they can do....

Thanks @Stilllivinginazoo.

Normal is such a big word and almost without meaning just now. Nothing's 'normal' really, is it?

And I do reflect on the fact that each year of adolescence is such a huge deal when you're living through it.

I hope the transition plan for your DD is tolerable.

I have a meeting this morning with school which I think is a precondition for DD's return. CAHMS have re-engaged after effectively ignoring us since January. DH is angry about this which means he goes into problem solving mode - do this, do that which isn't a bad thing and comes from the right place but I do find negotiating it difficult. Hey ho.

Yesterday afternoon we were back at A&E as one of DD1's cuts needed to be restitched. She saw a girl from her year in the waiting room and had a panic attack - when her self harming spiralled last year it was a thing for people to gossip about. I think she was also berated for it by one of the girls who was bullying her at the time. But at least she told me and we could work out strategies.

CAMHS is utterly useless here
Dd2 did all but last 2 anxiety group which I forewarned would make her worse with comparison...meds given October
She had no contact again til march(from Dec) with keyworker.dince then she's asked for 3lots information ranging everything from sleep,thoughts,eating etc and after each had just said will need talk with others so we still waiting....

how are you all doing this evening? im feeling sad that my 16 year old is so disabled by his anxiety. i hate it. im trying to accept it is what it is but im struggling. anyone got good tips for how to be more zen?! i wake up at 3am worrying about his future which i know is pointless. he has got into school for 10 mins today 😳. better than nothing and the school are supportive but he cant stay for longer at the mo. its hard to see his friends coming home from school, revising and preparing for the next stage of their lives

@lu9months sorry not sure I have any zen! I also had a sad moment seeing children coming out of school earlier and realising that isnt a regular, normal ,take for granted part of our lives anymore.
DD14 hasnt managed to get into school at all this week, she is on reduced timetable but still really struggles and when she does go in she doesn't do any work but sits almost paralysed-not knowing where to start, anxious about doing it wrong and just feeling overwhelmed by being in a school environment and so does no work but still a big achievement to just get her there.
So I understand how you feel, I worry about DDs future, its been like this for 18 months now with very little progress, she was always an anxious child but until 18 months ago it was manageable and it didnt get too much in the way of her life.
She had a private ASC assessment today, at the end we were told she was on the autistic spectrum, report to follow, when they told us , it made me a bit tearful, was desperately trying not to cry as I didnt want DD to think it was bad getting a diagnosis, its not, in some ways its a relief but its still quite emotional when you hear it confirmed.
However having a diagnosis wont change or cure her anxiety, its her crippling anxiety that really triggered school suggesting ASC and going down diagnostic route, she was/is on long waiting list for NELFT/NHS assessment for ASC . Also under CAMHS for help with anxiety but we have been told shes not ready for CBT so havent had any help yet.
I suppose what I am also trying to come to terms with is that it isnt my fault and that I cant control how she feels, only how I react to it-but as you know thats easier said then done as of course as her mum I want to make it all better and also lay awake worrying.
I hope you get a better nights sleep tonight

Dd2 has been in an over anxious place a number of years,as has D's.the best thing to do is try not to focus on where they should be and home in on where they are
Acknowledge they are fighting the hardest of battles- you cannot step away from your own head.learn(and it's incredibly hard) to draw on the positivesand on the journey they are travelling
I have no idea where D's and dd2 will end up in life- both were smart,kind,happy children with endless possibilities.my priority is where ever they are/go they know I love and support them,that I'm proud of them and that they're living the lives that are right for them.ive learned balancing mental health means so much more than academics and experiences are always there for the taking when they are ready.keep listening.keep encouraging.
And most importantly find a vent for any frustration and disappointment (that's part of why this is here)
It's not a road I'd ever have chosen to take,but it has taught me many many things about myself and what's most important

thankyou @Stilllivinginazoo and @runnerduck34 hope you get a bit of rest and self care xxx

How's everyone?
Lovely sunny day here
Dd1 offered to take us tulip picking today
Dd2 freaked about car travel.its only 20 mins away so I said firmly we all going.was stroppy and downright vile from yesterday eve til we got there.we walk at a local small reservoir after.shes better again now.clearly we going to need to ease everyone back into stuff

DS saw a mandarin duck and was most confused what it was.we had to Google it"it looks like it's a regular duck with a filter on "🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

In worrying news,lil zoo admitted Thursday since last August she's felt she's being watched even when alone in a room...

Zoo, so glad you got DD2 out, I cant get DD out at all this weekend ( going to visit oldest DD at uni today) and she didn't go to school this week either. I worry how easily it is to become reclusive and even more withdrawn.
That said she did have a really positive easter break and met up with friends and coped with a couple of family trips out.
Hope lilzoo is ok, my oldest DD also went through a time of feeling someone was watching, particularly at night, thankfully it did resolve ( she was on antidepressants medication for a while) Its good so confided in you , is she seeing camhs? Would definitely mention it to them.
Has anyone on here had a teenager diagnosed with autism and if so how did they take it? DD had assessment and was diagnosed this week, I wonder how she is processing it, she seems shut down, she says it is "fine" doesnt really want to talk about it, not sure if i should be doing more .