Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

RunnerD's got diagnosis aged 14,last summer.hes ok with it.hes had it explained doesn't change who he is,just helps us understand why we struggle we certain stuff and we need to use strategies to work round that
Dd2 has been utterly vile again today.im tired being verbal punchbag.everytjjngs an argument and she's snapping and snarling all the time if not doing exactly what she wants...
I know transition back to schools tipping her towards edge of abyss but if she won't medicate she can't just drift doing nothing....this week shes in lesson 3+4 tom for free periods/with friends.outside lessons on Thursday and Friday and in a lesson next week.its going to be a very very hard week ahead
Lil zoo bit jittery about returning to school full-time tomorrow.not sure she will eat in day,even if given a quiet space to do so.she said on Friday some girls were laughing and her head was saying why are they laughing at me.thankfully she had logic to tell herself it was nothing to do with her,but still unpleasant for poor bean...she's talking in two weeks to nurse at ED unit,which camhs run.i may email her this week and ask advise

Zoo, how did school go today?
I hope things have been calmer.
Sometimes the line between normal teenage stroppiness and anxiety/ asc is blurred.
Not nice being a verbal punchbag ,being a mum is hard work.
Poor lilzoo, sounds so hard for her, im glad she was able to rationalize laughing and do hope she eats something during the day, i would keep pushing for advice and help but I
know how exhausting it is.

DD14 is " fine" about diagnosis, doesn't want to talk about it. Bites my head off if I ask how she feels about it or try and reassure her. She is due in school tomorrow ( she is on reduced timetable and doesnt go in mondays,)
Fingers crossed she goes in tomorrow, she didn't go in at all last week.

@lu9months @Runnerduck34 thank you for sharing it really helped me in discussion with my DH this evening about our DD. We're both coping with emotional fallout from last weeks crisis and he is very, very anxious.

I think he is struggling for perspective. I'm trying to take each day as it comes.

DD is engaged with therapy, part way through a DBT group therapy course and did her prep for tomorrow's session.

She's chosen to return to school and opening up more about the things that trigger her. No idea how much school work she's actually doing but who cares.

She's clear of the bullies who made her life so miserable last year and more trusting of her new (nice) friends.

These are the positives.

Hugs to all

tee those are good positives

Dd2 did Monday with friends in free period.
Yesterday was double history outside classroom

Hi, my first time on Mumsnet.

I will be reading through this thread and hope that I can find some support on how to cope with my DS, who is 11. He is a dream at school and with others, but at home he can flip a switch and become the devil. He refuses to do reasonable things we ask of him and it escalates from zero to 100 in seconds, and he then proceeds to go to the knife drawer and threatens to kill himself.

This has been happening for months and the frequency is getting higher, its almost weekly. I called 999 on Monday and 3 hours later he refused to speak to anyone at all. CAMHs came round yesterday (their crisis team) and he locked himself in his room.

School have been aware for months.

What can I do if he refuses all help?

Hi Everyone,

I'm so glad to have found this thread. Like Peri09 I will try and take the time to read the threads through as I'm sure there's heaps of advice already.

My yr7 dd has not been going to school for about 6 weeks now, talks daily of wanting to end things and has removed herself from all her friends.

Hope you all have a better day than you were expecting

putyourbackintoit I'm so sorry things are so difficult right now.dont feel obliged to read back,we aren't bothered about recapping.
Has something particular happened at school/in her friendship group?if she's not in school what is she doing?are school working with you?
Sorry to throw so many questions at you at once!

peri09 that sounds very stressful.has he always been angry?does he exhibit any anxiety?how long has he been like this
I can't speak for your situation but I do know from my own if DD doesn't engage in support from camhs they will drop her like a stone.has school got a counsellor/support.they should have some kind of pastoral care in place

Thanks @Stilllivinginazoo

Ever since being in education she's been a worrier, as she is a bright, competitive kid with a spld which makes learning v difficult. I think she has felt like a failure for most of her school years snd she's so perceptive there's no point telling her she's doing well or that she's tried her best. She needs to feel it herself, and she's very critical of herself.
However, this academic year has been the perfect storm. Moving to secondary was always going to be tough, 2 lockdowns, being placed in a learning disability set for the whole first term by accident, some online bullying ....she had a few migraines which she suffers from. Missing the odd day got more and more frequent and then she stopped texting friends, stopped eating, very rarely spoke to us. It's been scary.
We're in a better place now in that she is eating, and is speaking and we've been accepted for brief work in camhs. The school nurse is going to visit our home next week.
The school are being very kind but not really able to do much unless she goes in. We try again most days but it's tough as we both work ft in demanding jobs with 2 younger dc too.

I don't think there's much hope her going in this week, but I'm hoping after some more love bombing this bank holiday weekend that there may be a glimmer.

put small wins/improvement is always to be celebrated.school nurses are often an excellent link that help discover what's needed and are highly supportive
Hope the weekend helps
What about you?are you making time for yourself)filling you own cup?it's vital in order to support your child you aren't running on empty

@PutYourBackIntoit the pen portrait of your DD could be my DD1. She has dyslexic type SPLD but is I think brighter than she is usually given credit for. She is so self critical of herself and her achievements. Her friends always seem to be very bright but more conventionally so (as in doing well in exams and going for highly selective education pathways).

@PutYourBackIntoit as @Stilllivinginazoo says small wins.

I think we are only just starting to see the real social and MH effects of the last year as children and young people return to more normality. It's really hard for Y7s - no induction days in the summer, missing out on all the goodbye to primary school stuff in the summer and with their ability to form new friendships in the autumn term really disrupted and then prevented by the third lockdown. (My DD2 is in Y7, DD1 is in Y10)

Then there's hormones - both DDs were seriously hormonal at 10-11. DD1 also had migraine type headaches and vomiting before her period started so may be worth tracking?

@teelizzy lil zoo(year8)gets visual disturbances some months,stress also adds to the mix.having been running this thread a couple of years we often find anxiety starts to ramp up at start of secondary.the mix of independence,change and hormones seems to tip some kids over the edge whilst others flourish
My D's scraped thru year 7 then spiralled at start year 8 and hasn't pulled back up(now diagnosed ASD)
Dd2(year 12)started exhibiting anxiety year 8,she's now really struggling.lil zoo is currently having various issues with mental health and things like IBS/migraines

@Stilllivinginazoo I agree, though in DD1's case she was fine up to Y9. She found the interpersonal dynamics so difficult to deal with and I think has found common cause with others who are also suffering in various ways.

She's been using a bullet journal entry every day for about a week, noting her sleep and mood on a scale of 1 to 5. Taking Citalopram in the morning rather than the evening seems to help. Today is a 3.

Hi all, hope it's ok to join this thread. I'm mother to a 17 year old boy who's been really ill with anxiety since year 9. Hasn't attended school since then. Two weeks ago he had an assessment with a new team, who've diagnosed him with psychosis. 😔 I'm really struggling with this, and can hardly bring myself to talk to family or friends about it.

I've already done a difficult mental health journey with my daughter, who was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, depression & anxiety at 16. She was very ill for a long time, but at 21 seems to have stabilised. Apparently she no longer meets the diagnostic threshold for a BPD diagnosis.

Oh, and I've got an autistic 15 year old.

Anyone else feeling a bit overwhelmed with their child's mental illness ATM?

sabire welcome
Yes,often!
DS is autistic,diagnosed last year(16 now)
Dd2 is 17 and suffering anxiety and depression
Lil zoo is 13 and scored very highly on depression test with camhs and is currently feeling like she's being watched 24/7
Life is always full on(always has been hence my username!).it's good your DD has stabilised,that must be a bit of relief although I don't imagine you ever stop worrying she's ok(I have an older DD too )
What's the outcome of his assessment/the plan moving forward?
Teelizzy I'd take a 3 as pretty good in scheme of things(as lil zoo calls it "average")

Lil zoo has had a dreadful day at school.drama was hell on earth as teacher put her with girls not from her friend group so she felt anxious and retreated into herself,fearful of judgement.computer kept rejecting her password in library reading assessment and she was very conscious needing help try fix that.often.
Her friendship group splintered early in year 7 and ended up with two medium size groups.thats now over as 2 have left and amalgamated to one big group.she doesn't manage socially in big groups,never has over 2 friends,normally one to one so as no one wanted time out if big group today she's been alone at all breaks.shes only gone back full-time this week and saying today hates it and doesn't ever want go again,she's exhausted as still not sleeping/eating properly and constantly on edge over the paranoia,I'm becoming increasingly worried for her as she won't talk about stuff either and just bottles everything inside 😔
She's agreed to tell nurse from ED team who has been trying to get her to open up a bit about why won't eat properly

@Stilllivinginazoo @teelizzy

Thank you for your replies. It is a comfort knowing that we are not alone in this as it's quite easy to feel that our load is unfair occasionally.

Thanks for creating and keeping up the momentum on this thread, and @Sabire9 you and I also deserve credit for seeking out this support too. You have such a lot to keep you busy and mentally occupied, taking time out to post here is no small thing.

I do find my brain is so full of information that I can't take on anything more sometimes (for instance a request to add something to a shopping list). It's capacity is full to the brim!!

We went to see a home Ed group today. It operates 3 days a week, and I'm hoping we can get permission from dds school for us to take her there to build her confidence with the aim of returning at some point, to mainstream.
It was such a breath of fresh air! Half the kids were there as a result of school anxiety (so parents removed to Home Ed).

We can't formally Home Ed due to our work, but if school can treat it like an alternative provision we may have a chance of getting her there. It's set on a farm, and there was one little girl who eats her lunch on a tractor in a barn every day as she can't cope with eating in front of others. Was refreshingly inclusive.

It's nice to see new posters, although sorry you all have a need to join us.

I have fallen off this thread. It has been a exhausting and busy few weeks.

DS1 has had a difficult time. His respite provision has also potentially broken down, we are waiting the outcome of a formal investigation. The incident that triggered the crisis resulted in DS having contact with the police. Last year he had contact with the police after going missing, which was handled brilliantly by all involved. Sadly, the same can't be said this time. It has left DS1 incredibly distressed.

I will read back to catch up now.

All those with DC who aren't in school or are on a part time timetable should apply for an EHCP (or CSP in Scotland and Statement of SEN in Wales & N.I.). Alongside this if your DC is of compulsory school age the LA should be providing medical needs tuition.

Anyone who hasn't already should apply for DLA or PIP, too.

Put if DD had an EHCP such alternative provision could be formally funded for as long as DD needed it. There's a poster on the SN boards whose DS has a dual placement with a Care Farm and a mainstream school. Whatever you do don't deregister and EHE. It is much easier to get support when on a school's roll, even if not attending, because, crudely, you are someone's 'problem'.

Peri it isn't uncommon for DC to hold it together at school and fall apart or explode at home. It is often a side of unmet needs at school.

Sabire it is overwhelming and exhausting. Are you looking after yourself? You can't support others if you don't take care of you. Have you had a carer's assessment? Since there is a family history, has DD been assessed for ASD? Many young women are misdiagnosed with BPD when the actual diagnosis is ASD.

Zoo how are you? I hope DD2's lessons yesterday and today were manageable. DS1 is often paranoid, it is much worse when is anxiety is already high or he is tired.

Tee sorry to hear DD has had another admission. I'm not surprised DH is furious. CAMHS not providing support after the first admission is one thing (although still not acceptable), but to not provide help after the 2nd and 3rd is another. If you need more time off you could ask for parental leave.

Runner I worry about DS1's isolation too.

Oh goodnessjump what a stressful nightmare!
Dd2 had total breakdown(hysterical sobbing gasping breathe inconsolable over half hour with almost all night panic attack waves thereafter.her tics are back with bells on,IBS in full flare and she's irritable and overwhelmed and when I email HOY he agrees it's too much.he needs speak those above him with regards what to do next

Lil zoo came home declaring wish had never gone back.paranoia has been hard work,she can't cope with mixing in large groups(never has) and her friend group has joined another so essentially a large group and was alone all breaks today.its making her withdrawn and unusually back talking me/snappy

"All those with DC who aren't in school or are on a part time timetable should apply for an EHCP"

If your child isn't currently registered at a school do you know how you'd apply for one?

Sabire you, or DC if over 16, can make a request yourself. It is the same process as for DC who are registered with a school/college. IPSEA have a model letter you can use here.

Zoo haven't school put something in place to support DD3 at break and lunchtime and help her with social skills? At least DD2's HOY is supportive, it makes a world of difference. I think the next step is to apply for an EHCP. Post 16 it is the only way to access provision such as home tutoring.

Would home tutoring be an option jump?

The problem with lil zoo is she hates to feel she's standing out,can't/won't speak up and express difficulties or the stress of being different.chuck in paranoia she's very very low at moment
DS plan has been amended to decent level.they still adamant of meeting need at this school.ive asked consult a local free school.its hard as covid stops visits so can't get feel if the place but virtual tour had all the boxes ticked.they confirmed had received my email on Tuesday,so hopefully be a week or so we hear back(15 days I'm lead to believe?)

Hi everyone I fell off the thread too.

@Runnerduck34 we are a few steps behind you as we are trying to pursue an autism diagnosis for ds2, despite him insisting that he is fine. I've tried explaining that it will help him and me and being autistic doesn't mean he isn't fine. I've also found lists of autistic celebrities online to show him that autism doesn't always mean non verbal and learning difficulties. Although his older brother has aspergers syndrome so he knows that already.

@Stilllivinginazoo ds2 hates being seen as different too. He would rather try and hold in the meltdowns until he gets home, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.

@teelizzy totally agree with you on the lockdown affecting children's mental health. The year 7's in particular have suffered so much.

@Sabire9 welcome to the thread. I completely get the overwhelmed feelings. I have an autistic 14 year old, a probably autistic 13 year old who attempted suicide earlier this year, a 10 year old, a 7 year old with learning difficulties and a 6 year old with autism.

@1jumpforward2back I'm sorry the police weren't understanding, that's awful.

Has anyone got any advice about ehcp's for a 13 year old who is convinced he is fine and doesn't want any support that involves talking about his feelings or anyone in his class noticing he is getting support? I'm not sure if an ehcp is the right thing for ds2 but I'm worried about how much he is struggling without one. I'm trying to apply for DLA for him as well.

@Sabire9.....I read your story and wanted to connect with you. And give you a virtual mum hug 🤗
My DD was ill too at 17 ...she’s now 19 at Uni and last week received a section 2. She has a diagnosis of BPD. I find telling anyone of this very hard as I fear stigma for her and also us, if I’m totally honest. I’m so scared right now for her and her getting through the section in hospital. She has refused to engage with DBT therapy and is currently considered a major suicide risk. Tell me life gets easier!
My 17 YO DS starts A levels on Tuesday and has pretty bad OCD but is at least engaging with therapy and talking to us constructively about it 🙏. I’m praying for life to become easier than it is right now.