Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

Just checking in, sounds like there has been lots of positive progress on school front many dcs, I really hope it continues.
We haven't tried to get DD in this week for which I am feeling guilty.
Was the advice of her therapist to try small achievable goals and to have a break from both school and therapy as she was so shut down. School need medical evidence ( sick note?) so chasing this with therapist but has anyone else got a letter or note from GP or similar when their child has missed school through anxiety?
DD has been much happier since pressure of school has lifted but I know she will need to go back and when she does she will probably relapse and become more anxious and withdrawn.
She's been on reduced timetable for a year and has barely managed to attend so is very behind in all lessons which adds to her anxiety.
Has her first individual appointment at CAMHS on Monday it was OK and they will offer one more appointment but I think mental health nurse she saw didn't really take into account her asd when talking about anxiety and she made me feel like I should be pushing her more but honestly when she's either frozen and shut down or hysterical how do I get her to the other side of the" anxiety curve" and into school?! We've tried just sitting in car park, baby steps etc ( which DD thinks is pointless) but still no closer with getting her into school full-time.
Leap interesting what you say about EOTAS and therapies, I am like a rabbit in the headlights trying to figure out best way forward for DD, EOTAS is what we are appealing for as we couldn't find a school to name before appeal deadline however she has been offered a trial week at Independent specialist school next week - unfortunately too late for submitting appeal, so not sure what to do!
Tribunal have giving LA until next Monday to name a school( currently no school is named on her EHCP, just mainstream) so apprehensively waiting to see what they say. I'm hoping they don't name a different mainstream stream school ( current school say they can't meet need) as that would completely freak DD out.

Sorry long rant.
Good luck to everyone for school tomorrow

Lil zoo was reluctant for school again this week
Her HOY is lovely,really supportive,so we have started trying to unlock ways to help her as she doesn't really say anything just shrugs
We have now established certain subjects are stressful as involve teachers random question asking(computer science,English,french) geography it's sitting at the front feeling everyone's looking at her/"reading her mind".
Drama,dance,pe and music- performing in front of a very critical class that there's always someone saying you did it wrong etc

Last batch as now not necessary to attend,and could go to the pink room
She's her geography teacher,so will move her to the back
She's going to ask teachers to be mindful of pouncing on lil zoo with questions

Next up we have found she is fearful of being challenged attending the pink room,so won't go and then struggles and us very low doesnt eat/withdraws at home.
for now,staff will be told to check she's ok,but not challenge her/be mindful of language as she sees everyone as picking on her and remembers negative incidents indefinitely
We just need work out how to get her to go in there,as currently she will either be there all day,or not go in there at all/not want go to school
Schools view is all day in there's better than not going,but now we can identify she loves science,art and history we can work towards a bit of balance
I've been told not to push her,so if refuses to go she doesn't go for now so she's not completely withdrawn and won't work with us.im scared of this a bit,but we shall see what happens tomorrow
She's going to try and catch up with her today or tomorrow and see how things are/what they can break down next to help ease her distress
Still no word from camhs or ED team despite them being asked 3weeks ago to chase is cahms accepting her in MAY that they knew about but no one else did

@Runnerduck I requested a sick note off DS's Psychiatrist at the beginning of his illness. This initially gave Ds a month off school as requested by the Psychiatrist.
This ensured much needed head space so Ds could relax & not worry. The school were much more amenable to this, as the note detailed the necessity and seriousness of the situation, in a professional manner, without saying too much.

Glad some people have had some progress with getting DC in to school. In some ways we're not in this position as DD is so far off being able to make it in. GP, Psychiatrist and CAMHS nurse have all agreed that it's not realistic for her to be in f2f education for the foreseeable future if ever again, and school haven't requested an absence note etc (love her school). I find it really hard to get my head around the balance of autism and anxiety. For DD, the anxiety about going in to school is well founded - it means that she will have to mask exhaustingly, deal with difficult (traumatic?) social interaction, etc. I feel like school has basically caused the trauma which has caused her depression (not through anything they have done particularly wrong, just the whole environment). So is this really anxiety? Or a logical, sensible reaction to being asked to go into a traumatic situation?! I don't see how an anxiety ladder would help - I'm not sure that her anxiety would reduce if she 'sat with it', because it's not unfounded...

Anyway. In other news, I would appreciate a handhold tonight - it's DD's best friend's birthday party, and she has gone. There are no adults (she is 15), but all the other kids (girls) are amazing, wonderful and sensible. It was unbelievably hard to let her go, but she asked us to trust her. I love that she was able to go, but it's utterly terrifying.

Handhold bubbles that's amazing that your dd has gone to the party, completely understand your nerves but how fantastic that she feels able to attend.

I wish I could offer some advice re school. Ds has no underlying diagnosis but the anxiety ladder wasn't a massive help for him. Knowing how much he struggled being anxious all day at school I can imagine the stress of masking too must be unbelievable.

Hope your dd has a good time!

Fferny1 - thank you, she does see a psychiatrist but only every every 3-4 months.
It was her counsellor, clinical psychologist, who said about school but as she also recommended a break from therapy we aren't seeing her at the moment, she has agreed to do a letter bit it's taking ages, she's lovely but not great with admin.
Offering a handhd muddling, I hope she has a fab time, it's lovely she has such a good group of friends and feels confident enough to go, that's all really positive.
I also find it hard to untangle anxiety and ASC, if she didn't have to go into school or difficult environments her anxiety would be greatly reduced. Also have tried the ladder approach and gradual exposure but ultimately the school environment is just really hard for her and I can't see how it's sustainable for her to be in it day in day out without burning out.

Bubbles I hope tonight goes well. Often the anxiety is secondary to the autism, and if their needs relating to the autism were better met the anxiety would lessen - not necessarily go, but ease.

Zoo I would apply for an EHCNA for DD3.

Runner medical evidence isn't essential, but should be easy enough to obtain via the GP, therapist or CAMHS (why are they only going to offer one more appointment? I would be challenging that). Have you sorted medical needs tuition yet?

I would carry on with the EOTAS appeal, but also continue with the trial if DD is able to, if necessary you can always ask for an adjournment. Even if the LA name a different MS as long as you have evidence you should be able to prove MS can't meet DD's needs. Focus on why only your preference (whether that's EOTAS or SS) can meet DD's needs then whatever school the LA name you can challenge.

Bloody fireworks, I wish they were banned. DS1 is terrified of them.

Leapsame here.ds is very stressed by all the banging.its been even worse tonight than last night

Thanks all, she's back, and safe, and absolutely exhausted from masking, but ok. Fingers crossed that her mood doesn't dip tomorrow now.

Bubbles, DD often, crashes and needs a day to herself, with no or limited interaction after a busy day.
If its something she really wants to do she will push herself to do. I used to think great she had a brilliant day and she can do the same tomorrow let's keep the momentum going but I learnt she definitely needs time to decompress and now accept she will need space the next day.
I think it's why going into school environment every day doesn't work.

@Runnerduck34 I totally underfsatnd. I don't speak to my DD after school for a good 30 minutes as she needs that time to recover from the school day. Tiny steps: she is letting herself in with the front door key now (I'm at home when she gets in) after having the house key for a year and refusing to use it!

Is anyone else getting loads of spam notifications about this thread? My inbox is full of them, but there are no new messages. I have informed mumsnet....

DS here is the same. He was monosyllabic yesterday after his first week back at school. I took him to his covid jab - a long drive & he just played his music the whole time. I'm finding it difficult to gauge his moods at the moment. As he's totally pissed off with me asking questions all the time 😂.
But he's talking to his friends n playing games online with them. So from what I can gather he's ok... I think 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Bubbles it's great to hear your DD is socialising again.

fferny that sounds fairly positive he's interacting with peers
Mack I've got opposite prob.no notifications...well done on little steps with door keys
Runner decompression here too.dd2 comes in gas shower,has snack and gets into bed for a bit with music and headphones and no one attempts interactions for at least 30 minutes

Hi All
Just stumbled on this thread and I’m so glad did. I have dd 14 who tells me she has undiagnosed Social Anxiety to which i have kind of just not paid much attention as I hadn’t wanted it to be a thing- I thought maybe she was just shy and I didn’t want her to label
Herself - however after having many chats with her I accept this. She says she sweats in class worries she is going to have to speak up, even her arms sweat, worries about going on a bus, to shop. I appreciate she is not as severe as a lot of others on here but I do think she needs to be listened to. She says she has butterflies pretty much all the time she is out of the house and even when she is at home doing homework
As she is thinking about school - school is her main source of anxiety. It breaks my heart - she is 14 and should have no worries it’s awful that she has to carry this with her. She is on the wait list to see pastoral
Support at school and I have just bought the the anxiety book for teens - has anyone used it?

@Archers Ds has Propranolol tablets for anxiety. They stop the physical symptoms like sweating, shaking & a racing heart etc.
They're beta blockers and I used to have them when I was young for exams.
Could you ask your gp to prescribe them if he/she is amenable? If your DD is asthmatic though, they won't be suitable.
Counselling will also be useful of course.

archers welcome
My youngest has severe social anxiety.we thought she was "just" shy until teen years hit(now 14)
My older DD took propranolol .it was fantastic for her,until she started getting breathless and her finger nails went blue.its super rare and she had to stop and tbh was gutted,as they gave her enough "control" to be able to hold herself together at school

I don't know how to do this anymore. DS is just getting worse and worse. More and more things are triggering him, he won't even go in the back garden anymore. CAMHS are saying we are still months away from an appointment, local private psychologists have over 6 months wait. I've contacted a fair few.
I am exhausted as he still isn't sleeping so I have to stay up with him. My husband goes to work so I'm just left with him and I honestly don't think I am the right person for him. His anxiety sets off my anxiety. It's a viscous circle and I don't know what to do.
Sorry, I am always moaning

@Always I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. Have you tried booking a private psychiatrist rather than a psychologist? Maybe your Ds will need some medication before being able to tackle his issues via suitable therapy.

@Fferny1 that's a possibility, but he's so young (8) I'm worried about meds for him

Also can you see whether your gp will prescribe melatonin for him to help him sleep. It's completely non-addictive.
I've been in your position and it's so very hard 💐

@Fferny1 I have spoken to the GP so many times and all they say is to wait for CAMHS, they will try and push then referral up etc
Just feel like we are being left to it and we don't know what we are doing
We should hopefully get the report from his ASD assessment soon, and if diagnosed we might get more help

archers welcome. Have you spoken to your GP? Don't think of a diagnosis as a label, that wouldn't be the case if it was a physical condition.

always what worries you about meds? You would need a psychiatrist to prescribe as in most CCGs GPs won't initiate medication for children and young people. DS1 was on an antidepressant, an antipsychotic and melatonin before 8. Unfortunately an ASD diagnosis won't necessarily bring more support. In a lot of case DC are diagnosed and then discharged. Support is based on needs, not diagnosis.

Have you applied for an EHCNA yet? That is a good avenue to secure support. What about social care assessments? When DS is in crisis have you called the crisis line, or taken him to A&E if you can't keep him safe? Have you complained to CAMHS?

Can you ds sleep with you in your bed?
Will that work and ensure you get more sleep? Because you can't function if neither of you are sleeping.
Have you tried lavender oil, hot baths. Johnson's calming baby bath & hot chocolate/hot water bottles?
Essentially a ritual.
I did this for years rightly or wrongly with my youngest ( 4 DC's here).