Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

Wishing everyone a happy weekend.
Although the weather is not joining me in feeling optimistic this morning.

DS has been diagnosed with ADHD and is now on a low dose of Ritalin. The good thing is it kept him awake during the day yesterday and I gave him melatonin at night. So he wasn't doing any middle of the night cooking & I got some sleep.
He's also told the doctor he's not feeling suicidal any more on the antidepressants . So it's a win win situation at the moment. I just need to get him to leave the house and do some exercise now ...

welcome back zoo, sorry its been a difficult spell, concentrating on just the essentials was a wise choice. Hope your ds is settling into his new school.

Thanks leap, I think EOTAS would be a less scary choice for DD but she doesnt really want to engage in any conversation about school, over than to say changing schools wont help, however shes not in a rational state of mind I can can see any change is scary for her.
SEN was meant to be SOSSEN btw.
Plan to go back to LA and ask them to send papers to LA funded /section 41 schools to see if they can meet DDS needs and also ask about EOTAS not sure LA will cooperate however. Provision evaluation officer told me that independent school has told LA they cant meet need due to her not attending all the taster days , but LA case officer hasnt told me that, I thought she would have contacted me to name another parental preference . SOSSEN also mentioned judicial review, maybe I will have to pull up my big girl pants and go for that but its daunting.

Thanks for your reply @ 1leapforward2back. The schools I'm looking at are fully independent, so they can claim they are full, I think.

So I made a start with the EHCP paperwork this weekend... DD has gone from full time attendance with no support needed, to zero attendance and no chance of her getting in to school. How on earth can I evidence this? I think psychiatry report is supportive, and I can probably get supporting letters from GP and CAMHS - anything else I can do? I can ask school, but they haven't seen her or spoken to her since July.

Bubbles - talk to school they will be able to confirm attendance levels for you. Letters from GP and CAMHS will also be really helpful.
Are about to request an ECH needs assesment or are you further along? If at the very first stage
I used the template letter from ipsea. the template is really good and takes you through the things you need to say. My LA have their own online form they like you to complete but I think the ipsea draft letter is better as it prompts you to give more detailed info. I then emailed my request to the LA and ignored online form

Hello all, been lurking a little and many many thanks for support a few weeks back. I think I last posted about a month ago.

There have been two self harm incidents since, one needing about 8 stitches and one that fell just short of needing stitches but still nasty. She's trying, she really is but it's been hard.

She's parted ways permanently with the therapist she's seen since May 2020 after I found out she'd accessed one of the confidential session summaries sent to me and her dad. Not entirely sure how but it may have been via my phone. It was the therapist's decision to ask to end involvement, I understand why but DH doesn't and feels let down and furious. She doesn't want to repeat the DBT course she nearly completed. I actually think a pause isn't necessarily a bad thing.

She's agreed to re-engage with CAMHS but nothing tangible from them yet other than a 7 day follow up after the last hospital visit.

DH is travelling to see MIL in another country in a few days time. He last saw her a year ago and had to leave within 24 hours of arrival as DD had had a crisis and was in hospital. I am actually pretty anxious about a repeat and so is he but MIL needs him.

EHCNA request was refused as expected though LA have asked school to go straight to requesting EP assessment and actually suggested I submit a late appeal, which I've done.

I'm feeling really low, constantly waiting for the next knock and frankly resenting the fact that she is holding three other people hostage. She can't be left without either me or DH in the house and this has been the case for over 18 months.

I get access to counselling support (for me) through work and finally made the call today. It was a relief to talk to someone but I'm feeling pretty fragile, as if actually opening up means I can't keep it together.

Sorry, that's all rather long and rambling. But helps in that I can see we are actually moving forward in some ways.

to all

@Teelizzy you must be under tremendous stress. Well done on holding it all together for your dd.
The self harming episodes must have been so distressing and difficult for you.
Has your dd seen a psychiatrist at all or tried any medication?
Would you be able to go privately if you are on a long waiting list?
Counselling didnt help ds and in fact in contributed to making him feel a failure ( cbt).
Medication has really helped ds, though i am still really anxious over him and he's still off school.
But he's picked up his guitar just this afternoon for the first time in months 👏

Thanks @Cantonet for your message and much appreciated. Yes she is seeing a psychiatrist who I actually think she has a pretty good working relationship with. She's on low doses of two different meds, one that I am not sure has helped at all and one that definitely has. Interesting that you feel CBT did not help your DS.

I was sad this year looking at all the pics on social media of friends know de back at school. Apart from the fact that neither of mine would conceivably agree to pose DD1 and I spent the full official day 1 in A&E with her getting stitched up.

Teelizzy, Im so sorry its been such an horrendous time for you, it must be heartbreaking and really stressful for you.
I hope her meds help DD and I hope the counselling helps you, its hard to hold it together and sometimes you need a release,
I had some counselling through work when my oldest DD was ill with anorexia, with the right counsellor it can be really cathartic, sometimes it hard to prioritise yourself but do try and make a bit of time for you.
I echo cantonet though that both my my DDs hated counselling and didnt get on with it.
I hope things get easier soon,

Teelizzy it sounds like things have been really rough. I think both DH and I would really sympathise with the feelilng of being held hostage - it's hard to go back to a stage where one of you always has to be at home, and you can't socialise together.
My DD hasn't managed to get on with any kind of talking therapy yet. I'm hoping that she will be well enough to try some kind of online support at some point. She is supposed to be making a safety plan with the CAMHS nurse over email, but no idea whether she'll actually manage it.
I hope you manage to find some time for yourself, and that things begin to get a little easier, or at least that you begin to see some glimmers.

DS is also on two medication's @Teelizzy. An antidepressant & a ADHD medication. I'm not sure which is working best. But the last two days he seems to be less withdrawn and more engaged. But then he's coming up to 6 weeks of antidepressant usage so maybe that's really kicking in. He played 4 hours of guitar and went for a walk with the dog yesterday. That's a minor miracle to us.

How long has your Ds been on medication? Do you know where your DD obtained the implements to cut herself? DS also did this but just lots of shallow cuts with his brothers pocket knife We've now locked anything sharp away. Apart from 2 knives we get out n put to bed each day!

DS started counselling last March and it initially appeared to be working, then he said it wasn't. So I tried another counsellor who specialises in CBT whereupon after several sessions he started self harming again. He then told me he wanted to stop. I think it was bringing up all sorts of issues he couldn't face or didn't have the maturity to cope with.

I've now come to the conclusion counselling is really oversold to us. Most teens need to be in a good place before counselling will work. They're not rational adults.

teelizzythat all sounds incredibly hard and stressful I'm glad you are accessing the counselling for yourself.i can offer no words of wisdom,merely the comfort of knowing we are here to listen
BubblesD's went out of school for a prolonged period and it was school attendance evidence on the back of their attempts to do very limited time in Sen unit failed that was deemed adequate information coupled with g.p and camhs reports

I'm still playing catch up
Lil zoo came home after 5 months living with dd1 on sunday.ita been difficult the dynamic is definitely off leaving D's and dd2 very unsettled.lil zoo is refusing wash hands before eat,have a showerschool is deffo huge part the problem
She text her dad last night asking live with him.im certain it's because she dislikes rules here.dd1 let her do whatever but watching inappropriate TV,not taking lunch etc will be challenged by me or is unfair on the rules the others willingly accept
Sorry to offload!
DS is trying hard runner thanks for remembering.hes currently awaiting transport claim

Morning, hope you are all doing ok.
I am so poorly today, how do you guys do it when you are ill? My husband is at work until half 7 and my mum is ill (I caught it off her, not COVID)
I feel bad just letting DS sit around all day doing nothing but I feel like I can't even get out of bed. I'll have to, of course, to feed him etc

Zoo DS is doing so well. You wouldn't have believed this a few months ago. I'm glad DD3 is home, even if there is tension. Hopefully when she realises the rules are there to stay things will become easier. How is DD2 managing sixth form?

Runner often the threat of JR prompts the LA in to action. If it doesn't SOSSEN can help with a pre-action letter which almost certainly will. It is unusual to actually get to a hearing. JR would be in DD's name, so she will become eligible for legal aid in her own right after the pre-action stage. Don't ask the LA to ask schools if they can met DD's needs. Many automatically say no, but the LA can't meet the threshold for unsuitability or incompatibility. Instead if you think they can meet DD's needs ask for them to be named.

Bubbles submit a SAR to school. Even if DD hasn't attended since July there should be evidence - reports/notes/emails etc.

Fferny1 DD should be having therapy alongside medication. NICE guidelines state medication should never be used on its own, and therapy should always be given as well. Although indirect therapies may be easier for DS than CBT.

Tee Chase CAMHS, otherwise you are too easy to forget about. The LA shouldn't be refusing to assess but then agreeing an EP assessment and telling you to ask SENDIST if they will accept an appeal after the deadline - especially when they know full well SENDIST may not agree to extend the deadline, usually they only accept in exceptional circumstances. If SENDIST won't accept your late appeal reapply for an EHCNA. Have you had social care assessments? A carer's assessment for you and DH and an assessment by the disabled children's team for DD.

@1leapforward2back yes we are chasing and they have now offered DBT, it remains to be seen what DD1 will take up.

@Fferny1 DD1 has refined what she uses, I won't detail it here but suffice to say that even if everything is locked away at home she uses things that can easily be acquired at school or bought for pennies in any local shop. I am pretty sure she has picked up some of this knowledge online which is why I won't go into it here.

@1leapforward2back agree re the LA, the most likely scenario is that we apply again.

Tee DS1 will always find something to self harm with too. We have everything locked away but unless he was in an empty, padded room he would still display self injurious behaviour.

leap lil zoo was told yesterday that she can go to the pink room during dance,pe and drama so I'm hopeful that flashpoints sorted.im hoping the TAF will force some kind support/assessment for her as her capacity to express emotion isn't there,she's blunt as a spoon and won't listen others views on something she's got an opinion on she currently gunning for my room rather than looking at solutions to add space/storage in her shared room with dd2.i don't sleep in my room(bad back hates mattress and I sometimes need the space of being on another level away from them when I'm emotionally exhausted but the space that's mine to go to when I need time out would be greatly missed etc
Dd2 is doing really well.shes got into a mindset of if she's not complaining how crap everything is she believes everyone thinks she's fine(and I think it's how she's now cultivated attention)so endless negativity and if you point out a positive she will spin it around and get cross with me for under playing her hardship.its very draining all the time.she came out of lesson yesterday and sat outside in hall at desk to do the class.mostly she's on it,just about keeping up most of the work if has weekends completing stuff,but she chose work heavy subjects
I've had time with D's at school to reflect dynamics.dd2 has always been highly dominant character,she "ran" other people's birthdays looking and play new toys and needing huge amounts of my attention always.
ds is a people pleaser and sensitive worrier and will happily step back and let dd2 have his time if it means a quiet life
lil zoo was always very quiet(esp in places away from home)not really expressing any need and we have gotten into the habit of second guessing what's needed.perhaps that's the issue now as she's very angry with me but says nothing constructive/expressive of need.she doesn't recognise anxiety in herself.symotoms are illness not stress and she gets v angry and shuts down anyone suggest otherwise
Any thoughts how to level up the attention between them,and try and work to "reach" lil zoo better?

Taf went ok
Lots positive feedback from D's school.theyre confident he can pass GCSE English despite having cram the course into 1 year,and functional maths.he has started drawing heart beat lines on himself when stressed,which they're giving him paper to do on now and looking at strategies to support calming
Dd2 reports also good,school seeing a very different interpretation of her than she relays- laughing and sociable within friend groups (she only talks of negative stuff to me).teachers are to model from English teacher who handles her anxiety well(allows her work outside classroom if nec,and is generally kind etc) plus the class where names on lollysticks are used she will have her stick removed from the jar as anticipation of being "pounced on' adds significant anxiety to the lesson.possibility of lowdown/time2 talk type counselling in school.all good
Lil zoo will be getting introduced pink room today on arrival as freaked and refused to go at all yesterday.toilet tour of school to see if can identify a quiet loo she will use.e.d team were useless.her keyworkers off ill,notes from meetings told us nothing really,except they're aware she was accepted for camhs in MAY and no follow up/chasing what's going on has happened.im not impressed(or surprised tbh).as she's "weight restored" they are keen to offload despite not noting what's keeping her in the cycle of refusing food etc.
Their collective suggestion is giving up my room so she has space and a place away from dd2,who is a very big personality and very hardgoing if she feels isn't centre attention etc.i totally get this but the ideas of redecorating both rooms,put my stuff in with dd2 and sleep downstairs always and redoing and organising my room to lil zoo choice decor all requires energy and finances I Iack to be honest

Hi everyone
Sorry I haven't been around. Has anyone been offered a Flash parenting course by camhs before?
Thanks

Still making baby steps here. Was ds birthday on Friday and he cut a very pathetic and sad looking figure, glumly opening his 2 presents and cards all by himself in the morning. I just wanted to cry. But then in the evening we cut the birthday cake and went out to watch the new James Bond film, so at least we got him out of the house! And yesterday some friends came over and he played outside with their boys. It was so lovely to see him interacting with others and being calm and kind. He was fine afterwards too, so it's been a small breakthrough...and I rewarded him with some gaming credits. Now to tackle some homework......

Hi everyone, hope you are all finding time to relax this weekend.

Zoo, I dont know what
TAF is, moving out of your bedroom and the reorganisation it entails is a huge ask- do you think the pain will be worth the gain? Can you swap without redocorating and moving too much furniture - a temporary half way house to see if it works?
When DD were little I used to try and calendar in one to one time with dc, even a reminder to give praise or say something positive about them can help, of course easy to let this slide.

Welcomeback Anne, hope things are OK with you, sorry I haven't heard of the parenting course.

Mackencheese, I'm pleased DS enjoyed his birthday even if it was lower key than what you may have wished for him. It's so nice played with friends .

Still can't get DD to school, She also couldnt make her therapy appointment with private psychologist, it's been difficult to get her there for a while.
Her psychologist recommended taking a break as she isnt ready to engage( same as what CAMHS said) and that therapy maybe adding too much to her anxiety as present. She also thought taking a complete break from school was a good idea as the daily expectation and stress of trying and failing to get her up and out of the house even just to sit in school car park or in sen area with no expectation of work etc is too much of a strain, I must admit it makes every day a hellish emotional roller coaster. I initially felt a lot of relief at this decision, now I feel guilty that I'm giving up and DDs world is rapidly shrinking. I am trying and failing to get her up dressed and showered every day, just trying to improve the small things but DD(14) is unmoving.
Getting her out of the house to do anything, even things she previously loved doing, is incredibly hard and we often don't succeed. She hasn't left the house all week.

runner that sounds really difficult.ds is clinging on to me more at the moment,having had a break then online a year.hes getting by,but I am a bit anxioushow he will manage being around more students and transports going to be hard.he plays Spotify stuff en route now,and the intention is to continue with headphones once has transport so at least that'll remain the same in hope it helps him with the logic somehow?>
Whereas dd2 had a break and has now set herself up more that it's harder,if that makes sense? I guess it depends on the natural negativity of the child and the language used.i personally couldn't have kept up forcing them to try and am finding DD very hardgoing with the arguements about homework,revising etc and her I did X and now I'm too anxious/can't concentrateshe's in a mood with me now so at least reassurance is off the table for a few hours.her health anxiety is out of control and her friends are dropping like flies with covid
Mack a low key birthday isn't anything to be sad over given he went out to the cinema and has been playing with friends since.its very very hard not to compare to previous birthdays or other people but this is his journey and right now that's ok.he had a good day,and that's enough
Anne how are you lovely?
Never heard flash course,so I can't help there I'm afraid

Mack - that birthday sounds lovely. I want to see James bond.

Runner - my dd isn't ready for therapy so I understand. Taking the pressure off might help.

Zoo - I'm OK. Dd is up and down. Flash is to do with parenting around self harm. My life is spent around ED, school, and so on. Work is respite but often gets disrupted.

New to this thread. I have a 16 year old who has always been an anxious boy but the last 18 months things have spiralled and he's now at the point where he pretty much lives in his room.

He's had a problem with food going back to when he was 4 and he woke up choking on his own vomit. Over the years we've tried to get him to speak to various people and he does ok for a while but then slips back.

Since the lockdowns, his general anxiety has got out of control. He struggled getting back into school and didn't do very well in his mocks. After the Christmas lockdown when schools reopened in March, he didn't do a full day and missed all of his assessments.
School didn't really engage - their only response was 'you have to get him here'
He was offered a place at 6th form and actually did well the first couple of weeks. He got in every day. Maybe not all day every day but it was heading in a positive direction.
Then he got a really horrible virus. He tested negative for Covid but he had a sore throat, temperature etc. And a cough so bad that it made him vomit which totally freaked him out.
He was off sick for a week then went back for an afternoon. Despite the school knowing his history and us calling asking for a zoom meeting to just let them know the full story, he was pulled out of class and told his attendance wasn't good enough and would have to improve.

To say we are fuming is an understatement. he's been treated like he's deliberately not going to school. since that happened, he's not gone back and is stressed and panicking every morning.
We've now discovered that despite us reporting him absent with anxiety, school considers this 'unauthorised non medical absence' - so mental health doesn't count for them

We've now been summonsed for a meeting to discuss his attendance with the head - despite our constant requests for a meeting previously being ignored.

We've got him an appointment next month to see an expert regarding his food issues and we hope this is the start of a road to things getting better for him.

All I want is my son to be happy and live a good life. And I just don't know what to do to help him