Parents of anxious kids/teen support thread(part 4)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
I cannot believe we are moving onto a fourth thread!
This is open to anyone looking for support or advice with a child or teen who suffers from anxiety
This is a long running thread and we have some popping in and out,some long term and some who just dip in for advice- all of these are just fine!
We understand the challenges of raising anxious children and how small wins matter(to others they're nothing special,and many are rude enough to say so!)and the sheer exhausting all consuming efforts that parenting very anxious children can entail
Only thing we ask is that others are respectful and kind.all situations are unique ,and there's no judgement allowed

Feel your pain SamW98 my DD is 19 she has been diagnosed as autisic and that the last 3/4 years have been hell for her and us. I feel the same, all I want is for her to be happy and the pain I feel when I see her holed up in her room breaks my heart. As you say all you want is for them to be happy and the days of plasters and "kids it all better" have gone. Can't offer any advice as I'm looking for support too, but can offer hand hold and reassurance that you are not on this journey alone

Welcome Sam and sandwiches
Sandwiches has D's had any assessments with camhs etc?if not go to your g.p and get referral in ASAP.obce he's 18 he gets the hit and miss adult services which is varient on your area.do you think his base fear is a vomit phobia?I ask this if that's the case it maybe more than a simple needs CBT to do exposure therapy.he may need to find what the thoughts are which underpin his fears.this us scary stuff and there are no guarantees he will want to engage that level of discomfort
In the meantime,get gp on board if not already and use them to provide evidence of referral to services as a way of "proving" MH is causing absences
Do you have other children/partner/supportive family or friends?i ask,not to be nosey,to see how YOU are coping.its extremely hard worrying about your child and seeing them in this state and unable to make things right.you need to be offloading your stresses and have good coping mechanisms to keep you strong enough to support him
For many if us this varies from exercise to 5minutes shut in a cupboard with a chocolate bar!if you need a few minutes,take time out and breathe.i say this as a mum if 4,3 still at home all with what's described as "complex needs" and would have once said "stop taking the p* when do I have time for that?!".you do have to make time,even just a few minutes or at some point it WILL overwhelm you and you will find everything's to much and then you are no use to anyone but esp not yourself
Please feel free to tell us more about yourself or your family.this is a judgement free space and any trolling will not be tolerated so it's a safe space to reach out to and be supported by those who understand

Sorry I got you two mixed up there

stilllivinginazoo DD refuses to go to the Dr and as she is 19 I can't force her like I could have done when she was little. She started feeling depressed when she was 15 and still at secondary school, she took herself off to the school counsellor. She didn't get the grades she required to stay on at the schools 6th form and started doing her a levels at local college. During this time we managed to get her to the Dr's and he referred her to CAMHS who then referred on as suspected autism which was eventually diagnosed. DD struggled with the social side of College and at the time she was undiagnosed with autism so we thought she was just shy. Fast forward to DD dropping out as it became too much for her and an austism diagnosis. She has been suffering with depression as she struggles with making friends. No easy solution just hoping that more time will help. I try and keep sane with exercise and now have a puppy which forces me to go out and be in the fresh air. Hard to explain to people IRL how it is

Thank you for your replies. Our biggest issue is that my soon has always refused to engage with anyone. I did speak to GP but as he's 16 he had to speak to them as well and he told her he's fine and I'm worrying about nothing. She did write to school before he left Y11 but the letter just said his mother thinks he has anxiety - that's it!

I have to say I had never even heard of CAMHs until I came on here. The school never mentioned it at all to us. They just repeated 'he needs to come in' like a mantra and offered absolutely nothing else.

Its only the last week he's told me he wants to speak to someone about his eating as he wants to be able to go into restaurants again and go on holiday. He is still very much in denial about anxiety. He just says he doesn't feel well but refuses to see a doctor

As for me, its a struggle. I took most of the last year off to see him through to the end of school and I do feel like I failed him. He has a good relationship with his dad and sees him most days. He's the one who is dealing with the school at the moment.
I actually have a good circle of friends but I'm very private about personal stuff and so I don't speak to anyone about this.

I don't want him to drop out of 6th form but I think its inevitable. His mental health is the priority. He's a bright boy and he can pick his education up when he's ready. I'm just very disappointed that the school talks a good game re support but when it comes to it they offer nothing. They just seem to pay lip service to mental health and only seem interest in getting their results

Just to add my son has never had issues with socialisation and gets on great with other kids. He's quiet but makes friends easily

He does chat to his mates on the PS all of the time and when he was in school/6th form, he loved it. Theres just a wall he hits trying to get there

Sam what do the school state is there pastoral care policy?all schools have to gave something.a counsellor/nurse/signposting to other services?my girls school is exceptional in their support but D's did flounder at his school(both girls attend single sex school,D's attended local comp pre diagnosis with autism).it's tricky once they are of an age they consider themselves competent when really they are not.
Sandwiches is DD fully competent at most things am considered my D's carer and as such I can speak to g.p if I need to as he struggles to verbalise illness properly(I feel funny) and has such high anxiety it has debilitated him for a couple of years

Its the pastoral care team we have been speaking to and all they seem to say is that he has to come in.
His dad spoke to the pastoral care manager every day asking for a call/meeting to talk to them about his issues and all she said was she had to speak to the head. He chased every few days but no calls were returned. And it was same person who pulled him out of a lesson to tell him his attendance had to improve.
So while they may have a policy, they've offered us absolutely no help, support guidance.
While he was in Y11 I asked what the policy was regarding emotional based school refusal (which was something I was advised about on here) the pastoral care manager said she didn't know and would have to ask - again she didn't come back to us.

I think after what kids have been through the last 18 months, the school has really failed him and seems to just not have a clue

@SamW98 welcome to this thread.
I'm another one with a 15 year old Ds with anxiety that started during the second lockdown, though for different reasons. He also chats to his friends a lot online as he's still off school.

DS has decided he wants to try & make it back to school after half term. However his anxiety is rising and I don't think the antidepressant medication is helping at all. The ADHD medication is helping him he believes, but he couldn't tell me how.

@1leapforward & @Teelizzy I can't begin to imagine how much stress you are under with regards to self harming💐

Has anyones child here returned to school fully in an exam year? Do you know how long absences work? Can the pupil just be tested on the work learnt, not missed?

Given you have been requesting policy,and this has failed to happen I'd be writing a letter or email to head and if this isn't looked at properly I'd be looking who is next up on the chain of command as that is appallingSam

Stilllivinginazoo SamW98 DD refuses to go to the Dr or any counselling. I'm not considered to be her carer and as she is 19 I can't force her to go. The route of her problem as far as DD is concerned is not having any friends which is a tricky one to navigate

Is there a teen autism group she can go to where you live ?I know some areas have like youth clubs for social interaction?

There are some locally Stilllivinginazoo but DD refuses to go

Hi . I would love to join you I am mum to a DD 15 who since June has suffered from anxiety mainly school based but also any time she is away from me or in big crowds of people. School are being so understanding and are really working with her. Because she feels so down she has picked up lots of colds recently so hasn't been feeling that great - just as she gets over one cold she picks up another. She is struggling to eat 2 days a week as well as she gets in a state on the 2 says she has history because it is only boys and her and one other girl and she feels intimidated, Unfortunately she has no friends any more because they think she is attention seeking and when she is at school all she does is moans about how ill she feels. I have been really strict about not letting her have any time off and literally taking her to school and passing her to the pastoral worker (who must say has been amazing!!) My son is autistic and my husband has depression and all 3 them hate each other. I cannot leave them in the house altogether so I can never have time away from them and I am now at breaking point. I am an exceptionally positive person (which my DH says is the problem). I want my kids to have an decent education and get good jobs but DH wants me to just to give up trying to fight to make them people they are not. I am just so tired and I just want even an hour during where I am not having to be a referee or keep everyone calm. I am staying up till 2am to just have some time on my own before getting up 6am to start the 2 hr morning lets get the kids to school routine. I have never suffered from any type of MH issue but have plenty of practice dealing with everyone elses I cannot start now as they need me to be sane and calm but I feel I am very close to actually losing the plot to be honest.

donut welcome.
Wow,that sounds so very hard
Is your DD doing GCSE history?if it's causing so much stress could it be a possibility to drop that subject in order to keep going to do the others/protect her MH?
Secondly,I'm sorry but depression is not a valid excuse to be picking fights with others.as a parent he needs to learn to communicate more positively and his negativity will brewed more arguing and conflict.i can say that as someone who has depression and I can see both sides of the fence so to speak.does he have support for that/is he on meds?it's not ok to cause others to feel miserable because he is
Thirdly no matter how positive you are you still need to be able to reach out and take comfort and support from others.please come talk to us if you cant offload in real life,anytime
You HAVE to start looking at ways to grab a few minutes to yourself each day.
Do you work whilst the DC are at school?

As she is in yr 11 now the school will not let her drop it. They are putting in strategies to help but the one thing no one can do anything about is the gender balance. I hate seeing her like this - there has just been a huge argument between her and her so called friends because they think she is attention seeking - and one of them has just told her to never mention or show her anxiety at school again as it is getting boring now. She has gone to sleep now and told me not to speak to her - she rarely shuts me out - so finding it hard not being allowed to even try and help her. DH has depression as well as in my opinion undiagnosed autism. He often leaves the family home because he can't cope with mess and noise and working almost full time and trying to help and be there for both my kids I don't have enough time to keep the house immaculate. My son is being bullied due to his differences but DH thinks I spend so much of my time trying to sort their problems that I neglect everything else but if I didn't no one else would. His depression started when the kids were small because the orderly tidy home suddenly became a bit noisier and a bit messier, It was a bit easier when they were little because we got an evening when they went to bed but the problems they both bring me are now constant there is no respite till about 10pm sometimes even later!!

Hello @SamW98, @sandwiches77 and @donutqueen11 - sorry your DC are struggling.

Sam - school don't sound like they are being as supportive as they could be. Insisting you get an anxious child to school when they are a teenager is no easy task if DC isn't able due to anxiety. Have you got records of the communication you've had keeping them updated/asking for meetings? We found school much more amenable to making reasonable adjustments for DD2 when we had a report to share with them (private therapist). We also put a lot of faith in school knowing how to help and signpost us but with hindsight there was more they could have done and outside agencies they could have approached - it might be worth having a look at your LA's website to see who/what is available. Your DS and my DD are both post-16 which makes a difference I think to the the legal obligation of the LA (someone more knowledgeable will correct me if I'm wrong) - the fact that he is registered with school is important though. We are currently trying to get an EHCP to ensure DD2 can still access education.

Sandwiches - DD2 spends most of her time in her bedroom and has no friends these days. She has been referred for ASD assessment by CAMHS. I find it hard to explain to people IRL too and actually dread bumping into parents she was at primary school as she wasn't like she is now and she would hate it if she thought people were talking about her.

Donut - that all sounds really hard for you, you have my sympathy.

Zoo - it's lovely to "see" you again and I'm glad your TAF went well.

Runner - how are you doing? Sorry DD hasn't been able to make it to school. Completely empathise with the emotional rollercoaster feeling of trying and relief/guilt when you stop. I have been there - try and be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your replies - I'm getting quite upset with the school and their absolute lack of support.
After continually asking for a call to discuss DS anxiety - and this goes back to Y11 as well not just since he's been at 6th form - and being pretty much ignored, we've now had a very abrupt letter regarding his 'unauthorised absence' and been summonsed for a meeting this Friday to discuss the issue

My poor son is so stressed out since he was pulled out of class and he feels like he's being told off for having anxiety. To say the school has handled this badly is an understatement and I'm really sad on his behalf

His first 4 1/2 years until the pandemic he had an impeccable record and we had nothing but positive feedback about him. Its so sad that this has had such an impact and that the school doesn't appear to recognise the change in him

@MuddlingThroughWithoutAClue

Sorry if this is a silly question but how would I contact the local authority? I've googled Essex Education Authority and it takes me to the .gov website but there's nothing obvious on there of where to go for help

This is so new to me and its really hard to know where to go. This is what I would have expected the school to advise us on but they've given us no advice at all

Afternoon all, hope you are all doing ok.
We have DS's ASD assessment today at 3. I'm so nervous, what did he masks, what if they don't see what we see, what if we are wrong?
I'm so sorry to read the posts about other DC struggling. I wish I could offer advice but I'm so new to it all.

What *if he masks

@SamW98 for our area there are links on the county council website. If I look at Education and Learning there are sections on things such as Post-16 and SEND. (SEND includes mental health disorders such as anxiety) and I can find links and contact information to the Graduated Pathway, Local Offer, Early Help, Advisory Teaching Service, SENDIASS.

If you contact one team they may well be able to point you in the direction of other teams who may be able to help. SENDIASS are not independent as they are LA funded and I think vary in quality area by area. Ours is well regarded by some of the professionals involved in DD2's care and they have previously given me helpful info contact details for council teams. I don't think you will have anything to lose by phoning/emailing people for help asking them to point you in the right direction.

I say this as hindsight is a wonderful thing!

It is a .gov website as you mentioned

Incidentally there are lots of DC in this situation and it's very sad. DD2's EOTAS provider say there is far greater demand on their services than usual and our Early Help coordinator told me earlier this week that she's helping a lot of families with young people who have been unable to return to their school settings after the pandemic and how isolated we all feel. And we all know how lengthy the CAMHS waiting lists are.

@MuddlingThroughWithoutAClue - thank you but I can't see any of those links on our LA website.
Its a pretty poor website tbh. I click on the SEND link and it just takes me to a page and says that the school will have someone to speak to in this regard. No links to go anywhere else

I did try before and was given a number, The woman I spoke to was totally unhelpful, tole me it was wrong department. I asked her if she has a contact and she said 'you'll just have to google it'

Feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall trying to find out information that should be easy to obtain