Really regret having a baby

[Notthebestday]

I am so unhappy. My baby doesn’t sleep, won’t be put down, but perversely won’t even be cuddled, and I’m completely and utterly done in and have tried absolutely everything. There is no support at all due to covid and I’m utterly miserable and so is my poor baby.

@Vallmo47, I could have wrote that myself. Sounds exactly like my DD2. She is almost 11 now and such a pleasant, happy go lucky little girl but my God the first two years were hell on earth.

Have been where you are. I remember the moment my mind broke and everything detached.
She had CMPA. Onto non dairy formula and she was a different baby.

Took a much longer time to fix me.
I rang the Samaritans frequently (and I suggest you do) they kept me alive during the horrific bits. I’ll always be grateful to them.

Do you think if he were adopted, he would be any more settled? Of course not! You need to speak to someone (anyone) in person and you need to say bollocks to covid and hand him over to DM/MIL/best friend/anyone close just so you can get a break for a bit and some proper sleep.

OP I could have written your post 9 years ago. It was torture, I look back now and shudder. My son had reflux, but before we knew he screamed all -the -time and threw up almost everything. I once punched and kicked a door in utter frustration and swore at him. A very low point. I ended up on sertraline, 50mg a day. I also didn't want medication but it helped. Just felt calmer. Your son needs a GP, you need a medal, and some bloody rest! It honestly will get better, I promise. Hang in there, call GP.

I think people are trying to help but I’m getting a bit bogged down here

It's maybe best to come off MN for a bit then if it's bogging you down and making you feel worse. Speak to your GP. Good luck.

PS My son and I have an awesome relationship now. You will too. Get through this tough period however you can.

It is just a phase though. It doesn't seem like it at the time as it seems like it's never-ending. But it will get better. It really will.

You say no to medication, but if you are wanting to end it, then surely medication is better than that? It won't be long term. You just have to do whatever you can to get you both through this phase.

If doctors etc don't get it, push until they do. It's hard if you aren't naturally assertive, but for both your sakes keep pushing. It used to make me mad that instead of sounding assertive, I'd just cry but hey, it's hard to be assertive and not cry or come across as aggressive. But you need to keep trying anyway and bugger what anyone else thinks. Same for the pram. You will find that just as many people are sympathetic as are judgemental. And so what is some are judgemental?

Remember, it's really just a phase and things will get better.

You poor thing, it sounds so distressing. I t is really difficult when you don't know your baby and can't interpret what they are telling you.it does come but it is slow and it's only by looking back that you can see that things are improving. It's probably, sadly , a little bit early for that. My middle DC was very miserable and I remember the HV saying that things tended to improve from 6 weeks and thinking that the baby was unlikely still to be here. I had two advantages , firstly he was not my first so I knew that I could do it and that I had some mothering capacity and two in those days reflux and tongue tie didn't get treated in the way they do now. One had to hang on in there which was tough but there weren't lots of false promises about things going to magically improve.

OP I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s draining! Our baby had colic and although normal it’s so hard to manage if it is that. Our baby was combo fed and one thing that helped was giving a different formula. Although he wasn’t allergic to dairy, he struggled a bit with cows milk. We swapped to Aptimil Sensavia which has easier to digest cow protein. In our case it helped. It was still ridiculously hard. Everyone told me it would get easier and I didn’t believe them but honestly it does. I found it so hard to bond with my baby as he cried pretty much all the time. I felt detached and alone even though my DH was doing all he could to help. All these feelings are completely normal. It’s honestly far harder than I ever expected. I think a lot of ladies don’t like to talk about how hard it is so there’s this false perception it’s tough but not soul destroying.

Please hang in there other person because when you come out the other side it’s a love like no other. My ds literally makes my heart burst open every day. He’s 9 months and the light of my life.

It’s definitely worth calling the health visitor today and being frank about how you’re feeling. They have a duty of care to help you. Also the Gp as you have planned. It sounds to me like you’re doing a fantastic job and the constant crying is no reflection on you. Babies can be thriving yet still cry constantly. It was the biggest surprise for me as a new mum and I’m an older mum with plenty of friends who’ve had babies.

I really hope you’re feeling better soon op. Xx

I think you need earplugs and a break! It's not harmful to your baby to have a small amount of time away from you if it means you can get some good rest and feel refreshed. It's not an obsession with parting tiny babies from their mothers, just an acknowledgement that mothers are whole people with needs, yours aren't being met right now. You can't pour water from an empty pitcher. Follow up with GP like a badger, but also let your husband take over for a FULL day or two. Your baby will be just fine and you need rest!!

Hi @Notthebestday something else which might help but might not... In my admittedly limited experience with babies (my first is 6 months and I don't really "know" any others) they are incredibly incredibly difficult to understand/diagnose and even people who you would think should know, don't really (e.g. health visitors/doctors/lactation consultants all advising different things or coming out with things like "fourth trimester" or "colic" which don't really mean anything and don't help). Babies can only communicate by crying, and that could be because they're in pain, or stressed or bad tummy.. you can try to do things to help which may or may not work - it's basically just luck. And whatever you do the baby will probably just grow out of that phase naturally, so you'll never really know if what you did worked, or if it would have gotten better anyway.

Also, idk how you're feeling about expressing, but I am also feeding by expressing mostly, after going round the houses of lactation consultants, tongue tie specialists etc etc. It's been incredibly hard and again, no one has really been able to help or explain what's wrong.

Sorry, idk if that helps makes things worse.. just know that you are not alone and babies are hard xxxxxx

@Notthebestday

I really don’t think it is going to help me walking out on my 4 week old is it, there is an absolute obsession here with parting tiny babies from their mothers.

People aren't suggesting you walk out permanently, but to have a little space for even 20minutes/half an hour to go and grab a coffee and have a breather. It will help you see the wood for the trees. Baby will be perfectly fine (or at least, no different) in the care of DH for this short period of time but it could do you the world of good. People wouldn't suggest it if it didn't come come from experience. You're still an independent woman separate from being a mother and sometimes having a bit of space helps to put that into perspective. I really hope you get the help you need. Don't let eh covid tests put you off A&E, if you really think he needs support and is unwell it will be worth it to see a DR. Good luck with it. And give DH a big cuddle with baby down somewhere and just make to most of his support.

@Notthebestday

I really don’t think it is going to help me walking out on my 4 week old is it, there is an absolute obsession here with parting tiny babies from their mothers.

Your not walking out though are you. Having a break for a few days would allow you some rest and a chance to gather your thoughts.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

I think people are trying to help but I’m getting a bit bogged down here

It's maybe best to come off MN for a bit then if it's bogging you down and making you feel worse. Speak to your GP. Good luck.

I agree here. If we’re not helping then I suggest you stop reading. Everyone commenting has been where you are and are offering advice on what worked for them.

They are mothers with PND and kids that were in pain (or just being a pain). They are the people who understand and have been exactly where you are and have come out the other side. You can take comfort in that. You are being resistant to any advice (maybe not ready to hear it right now) so write it all down in a list and come back to it when you’re in a better head space?

You can do this and you will get through it! It just feels very dark right now.

Sorry; trigger finger.
I used to stick him in the sling or pram and go out as my little Toddler needed me . I think I was lucky that my mh held up and toddler probably contributed to this. You, however, sound very unhappy. We can all feel for you . My advice would be to talk honestly with your DP, your HV and your GP about this. They are in a position to then be able to work out what would help .
Test assorted that you are providing what your baby needs sand that they will not hold any of this against you.

I really don’t think it is going to help me walking out on my 4 week old is it, there is an absolute obsession here with parting tiny babies from their mothers.

What does this mean? You are not walking out on your baby if you spend some time apart from him or have I misunderstood?

I also had no one believe me-this was pre-pandemic and I made a call to GP in the night-he basically shamed me and told me typical first time mother.
My DS had a strangulated hernia which (from what I understand) was because it was the size that it was it meant it was sort of obstructing sometimes but not always(I'm sure this explanation isn't medically sound but was over 20 years ago) it just meant harder to detect and then finally got detected and had surgery.
The GP who was so flippant to me was made to apologise.
The point I am trying to make is to trust your instinct.
Don't be fobbed off.
Don't worry about calling again until someone listens and checks that baby is ok-
You will get through this-echo PP posters-be kind to yourself.
Good luck OP

Oh OP.

No one can say anything that’s going to help you. You’ve tried everything as you’ve said- besides the fact you are completely and utterly fed up and people making suggestions you’ve already tried I can imagine is just irritating.

The only thing you should take away from this thread is you do need help for your mental health. Post-natal depression can be a very quick decline and you need to start with tackling that issue before anything else.

You might not feel like it this early on, but you matter too. You’re still your own person and should still take care of yourself.

Push the GP surgery to see you; my little girl is 1 now but I suffered with post-natal anxiety and I should have got help sooner.. I didn’t because like you I won’t take medication. But I was referred for CBT and that helped massively.

Good luck OP, I can almost promise that by the time your baby is 6, maybe 8 weeks old you’ll feel so much more in control and less like you’ve been blessed with the birth of Satan himself.

Ds1 was colicky and for the first 3 months was just non stop crying. Bfeeding helped but otherwise he'd scream non stop everyday for hours, especially loudly in early evening from tiredness. He would literally cry so much that he trained himself to sleep after the exhaustion. I had no help either pre covid, and DH was travelling lots for work.

He then slowly settled after that into a routine. Through toddler years slept well unlike many others. You will get through this. Now he's a talkative cheeky little bugger at 7.

I had a baby like this. And as you've read loads of other people have and it's awful. Must be worse in lockdown. But it doesn't mean that you're not a good mum - just like all the other mums on here weren't not very good. Just some babies wont be comforted. But this changes over time.

So maybe try and think of it like having a crap car that doesn't work well, but its beyond your control, so you just have to get on with it. But I promise things will change.

I'd second samaritans. And also speaking to GP about reflux.

I dont mean to say your baby is crap! Of course not! I just mean some babies cry a lot and even the most experienced skilled person couldn't make a difference so it's just a matter of getting through these first weeks.

@Notthebestday

I really don’t think it is going to help me walking out on my 4 week old is it, there is an absolute obsession here with parting tiny babies from their mothers.

I don't think there is an obsession at all, there are lots of experienced mothers trying to support you as while there are lots of mums struggling with babies the languahe you use in your posts is quite concerning and as a last resort if you are genuinely feeling so low as to be thinking those things it does sound like you desperately need a break and a night sleep at least.

Bottle feeding could be the cause because if he's fine on breastmilk that is a sign this is the case. I don't know much about the different formulas but if not a full on hypoallergenic formula could you try partially hydrolised one like Aptamil Sensavia?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's very sad to hear you feel so broken but people are not offering platitudes when they say it will pass, it really will! :) At 4 weeks, there is still lots of time to try out strategies and they need to be given time to work too.

I know you said HCPs aren't helping but I hope you express your feelings (and not just the babies symptoms) to them, as it sounds quite serious. And I hope you are confiding in your partner too the extent of how you are feeling.

I'm sorry I can't personally be of more help as my babies haven't been high needs but so many posters here have so much experience with this so I do hope you find some useful information

Have you tried a swaddling blanket and hungry babies formula (very little to start with). I bottle fed my youngest who was restless at that age, the milk I was expressing was just not enough for him. Started with a quarter of the amount required of hungry babies as suggested by a friend who had gone through the same and swaddled him. Worked like magic on the second night. So I would give him that formula in the evenings and expressed milk during the day.

Hope you feel better. Some babies are just difficult at the start but he will eventually settle.

Op if you feel suicidal take yourself to A&E