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Original poster

Really regret having a baby

183 replies

Notthebestday · 15/01/2021 07:01

I am so unhappy. My baby doesn’t sleep, won’t be put down, but perversely won’t even be cuddled, and I’m completely and utterly done in and have tried absolutely everything. There is no support at all due to covid and I’m utterly miserable and so is my poor baby.

OP posts:
MusicalTrifleMonkey · 15/01/2021 07:30

Also @Notthebestday TRUST THAT INSTINCT. You know when your baby isn’t okay. I was robbed off for ages and had to employ a private lactation consultant who finally found out my baby had a severe tongue tie. The hospital refused to deal with it so we went private. We are still having severe problems with his tummy and I am still pushing but I am chasing everyone all the tine. I know he isn’t right and I will keep shouting till someone listens. If anyone uses the words ‘first time mum’ towards me again I will be putting them in their place! No one knows your baby like you. Keep pushing and pushing.

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 15/01/2021 07:31

Remember that you are his world. He isn’t unhappy about being with you. You are everything to him and you are a good mum by keeping going. You need proper support and it’s so difficult right now. Xx

rwalker · 15/01/2021 07:32

Honestly think a lot of people get to this stage you have built great expectations about how wonderfully it will be and the reality is it's shit.

Babies aren't much fun just work and it does get better and will bring you some of the most precious times and memories.

Hang on in there be honest with HCP tell them how you feel

IndieRo · 15/01/2021 07:32

It's very tough at the start OP and I don't think the weather helps either. My DD2 was born in January and it was utterly depressing. She was also a terror. She wouldn't sleep day or night and I had an 18 month old. My DH helped as much as he could but he worked terrible long hours all over the country. I remember crying many a day and night. I always made sure I put them both in the twin buggy and went for a 30 minute walk to our local shopping centre just to get out. It does get better though. Its very overwhelming when you have your first baby. Just take one hour at a time. Don't worry about housework, washing etc, that will all get done. Just concentrate on you and baby from one feed, one nappy change to the next. You will get through this and you are not alone. There are so many mum's that feel the same way now or have been through it and came out the other side.

Iggly · 15/01/2021 07:32

Things that you try may take time. Also babies cry and get overtired and they can pick up on your feelings too.

So with ds, it took weeks to get the reflux sorted and even that didn’t completely fix things to be honest.

I also was too impatient and would try something new and then be down because it didn’t work after a day. Or something would go well once and I’d get frustrated because it didn’t work again.

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 15/01/2021 07:35

You mentioned that you’ve tried a lot of things but you do need to give things time to get worked out. As I say look at the fourth trimester. Their digestive systems are underdeveloped and can cause them lots of troubles.

What suggestions did the cranial osteopath and lactation consultant?

TabletHelpPlease · 15/01/2021 07:36

Hi OP, I'm sorry you have such a difficult baby and at such a shit time for getting support. I just wanted to add - ear plugs.

My third baby was v needy and cried constantly. It was so loud and made me feel incredibly wound up. I found walking round with him in a sling, but with me wearing earplugs to muffle the noise, helped me to feel calmer. Sometimes I added ear defenders. I could still hear him, but the sound didn't rip through me like before.

Please make sure your partner takes him for an hour or more each day. You need that break.

OverTheRainbow88 · 15/01/2021 07:36

You are hormonal after giving birth, exhausted, probably still in some physical pain and utterly fed up. And all this during a fucking pandemic.

This is the lowest point and you will get through it and it will get better.

If baby is so unsettled there is usually a reason- it could be a dairy allergy. My friends baby cried non stop for weeks, she cut out dairy, it takes 2 weeks, and then boom a totally new baby.

Please don’t harm yourself. Call your GP and tell them. Call your HV and tell them. If they fob you off call again tomo and ask to speak to someone different.

You will feel happy again, life is worth living, you will get through this. Don’t give up.

Xwvhtsghyf · 15/01/2021 07:37

I had my second baby at the start of the first lockdown in March. OP it is so so hard. My first was easy and calm, the second was
so difficult. Refused the car/pram and would just cry. Whatever I did felt like it wasn’t good enough for this new thing in our lives that to be honest made it worse. I would have given my baby back in a heartbeat. I felt no love for her. I thought of safe ways I could leave the baby at home with a neighbour and go off and finish it all I did not want to be here with this thing that seemed to hate me. On week 6 my husband actually called the HV who got me to a GP. I was so so angry with him and felt completely forced to go on medication by both my GP and husband.

I am now 10 months down the line. Fully weaned off the medication and am now onto zoom counselling sessions.

Looking back I honestly felt like I lost my mind a little bit. The tiredness, the hormones. I am not one bit ashamed of how I felt. Having a high needs baby is so so hard. My DD is so much easier and happier now. It does get better

NiceTwin · 15/01/2021 07:37

Oh God, I had one like this.
I had a woman come out her house to ask me if I wanted to stop and feed baby, so much noise she was making in the pram.
She hated the pram, the car, lying down. I shudder at the thought of how bad she was.

I haven't got any pearls of wisdom I'm sorry but things did get better.
It is absolutely soul destroying.
I resorted to making sure mine was clean and fed and popped her in her carry cot and went to have a shower when things were at their worst. I was very clean Grin
The sound of the shower just about drowned her out.
It was a tough few months. I spoke to the GP but got short shrift.
Flowers for you op, it is so tough.

Baboutheocelot · 15/01/2021 07:37

@Notthebestday

Ha yeah I tried them last week, I was crying down the phone and she just went on about swaddling and white noise. Sorry I sound bitter. I am bitter. I wish we were both dead, I really do. I wish I’d never had him as the poor little thing is so unhappy.
Please see your GP and be honest about how you feel. Does your partner know you feel this way?
Original poster
Notthebestday · 15/01/2021 07:37

If I see the words ‘fourth trimester’ again I might just go and scream into a cave.

Yes. I know. I know all about the fourth trimester, I wanted it. I wanted to hold him, love him, feed him and make him feel just as safe and loved as he did when he was inside me. I can’t. So then what do I do? I can’t put him back, can I?

No one has made any suggestions because no one can do anything. The lactation consultant couldn’t get him to latch and the cranial osteopath massages him, hadn’t given me any suggestions.

OP posts:
Babybaby432 · 15/01/2021 07:37

I promise it’ll get better. That’s still such early days and it’s basically survival mode for you both. Just make sure you’re both fed, a shower/wash when you can and sleep when you can. Everything else goes out the window. It can feel really claustrophobic at times, have you got a sling or pram you could take baby out for a short walk or leave baby with your partner if bottle fed and escape for some fresh air yourself?xx

Original poster
Notthebestday · 15/01/2021 07:38

It is reassuring it isn’t just me though. So thank you. I wish I knew why some were like this.

OP posts:
Babybaby432 · 15/01/2021 07:39

You should also call HV and GP for some support as they will be used to feelings like this and can help more than any of us suggesting things for you. Sending a big germ free hug x

Xwvhtsghyf · 15/01/2021 07:39

I obviously had a high case of PND and I’m not saying this is the case for you but both the medication and talking therapy saved me. My daughter is my world now and I could never have imagined this outcome 10 months later

starsinyourpies · 15/01/2021 07:40

You say you wouldn't consider medication but GP may be able to offer other support. Please ring them and be really honest. Thinking of you OP.

MaMaD1990 · 15/01/2021 07:42

It really does sound like silent reflux needs to be explored. Ours had it and it was awful. We ended up giving her gaviscon which worked wonders. You really should phone the GP too because you shouldn't be feeling like this. It's really hard work having a baby. Everyone will tell you it'll pass which is the most frustrating thing in the world, but I can confirm they are right!

Namechanged2021 · 15/01/2021 07:42

I'm so sorry you're so down OP. You mentioned that you won't take medication, is there a reason for that? I had severe PND and Perinatal OCD after my daughter was born and medication genuinely saved my life.

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 15/01/2021 07:44

@Notthebestday

If I see the words ‘fourth trimester’ again I might just go and scream into a cave.

Yes. I know. I know all about the fourth trimester, I wanted it. I wanted to hold him, love him, feed him and make him feel just as safe and loved as he did when he was inside me. I can’t. So then what do I do? I can’t put him back, can I?

No one has made any suggestions because no one can do anything. The lactation consultant couldn’t get him to latch and the cranial osteopath massages him, hadn’t given me any suggestions.

I didn’t realise, sorry. I was just trying to help give you some support.

I hope you get the answers you need. Please do call your GP. Good luck. Xx

Robbybobtail · 15/01/2021 07:46

OP your baby doesn’t hate you, he needs you. You are the provider of life, of everything for him. It does sound like there is an issue if he is constantly crying - is he a hungry baby? One of mine used to cry constantly for food but I just gave him what he needed - I gave up on spacing out his feeds! I remember that pit of despair and just wanting to go to sleep and not wake up when my first was tiny - it’s exhausting.

I agree with the pp who said to get out and go on a long walk - don’t worry if he cries just do it - the fresh air will do you both good. I feel so sorry for women with small children at the moment - you need friends and family around you at times like this, have you any support from your family? - someone who would take him out for a few hours (I wouldn’t give a stuff about COVID rules at this stage - they can form a support bubble with you). If you are genuinely feeling suicidal you need to speak to the people around you, don’t keep it in.

HariboHippo · 15/01/2021 07:47

I too had one like this who turned out to have silent reflux, diagnosed only after a tongue snip, osteopath, GP HV and numerous hospital visits. Ultimately it was a private paediatrician who diagnosed and prescribed ranitidine which almost instantly helped. It was a google search and a couple of hundred quid but worth every penny. I appreciate Covid won’t help but maybe private - if it’s doable - will be doing e consults? Hang in there OP Flowers

sproutsnbacon · 15/01/2021 07:48

I’m really sorry you are feeling so bad
Babies who don’t settle have something wrong and they will fob you off if they can especially if it’s your first. I’ve been there.
Suggestions for solutions are go to a&e, You’ll be there a long time they will see/hear the problem and hopefully refer you to paediatrics. Or an out of hours GP appointment where they are more likely to refer you or prescribe something and I would hazard a guess at CMPA and /or soya allergy but you need a doctor to take a good look

ChocOrange1 · 15/01/2021 07:50

You are allowed to form a support bubble now with a baby (so glad they brought this in). Do you have a family member who could come and stay with you for a while to help?

user68901 · 15/01/2021 07:50

I feel for you. I was in similar situation 17 years ago. Remember it all so well. She screamed in a pram, in a car everywhere except the baby sling. I was shattered. I had to go to my parents every day for help . My husband would come home from work and hear her screaming from a few doors away so would put her in a sling and take her out to give me a break. It was horrific , and that was with support. I even had to stop going to cranial osteopath. So embarrassing every week saying no difference . Anyway now she has all her uni offers in and will be off next September . But you never forget . I keep thinking of new mums at the moment.