Really regret having a baby

[Notthebestday]

I am so unhappy. My baby doesn’t sleep, won’t be put down, but perversely won’t even be cuddled, and I’m completely and utterly done in and have tried absolutely everything. There is no support at all due to covid and I’m utterly miserable and so is my poor baby.

My son woke every 3 hours for the first 5 weeks and it was so hard. At 5 weeks he slept for 5 hours one night and I was amazed, then he started sleeping for longer periods. He was a big boy, born 9lb 3oz and needed lots of milk regularly. When he could grew and could take on more milk, he slept longer, then I had to start solid food at 16 weeks, just little amounts to keep him satisfied.

It was so, so hard but I found if I forced myself out the house once a day for a walk with him, I felt a little bit better. He's 15 now and lovely! It does feel like time slows in those early weeks

Hi OP.

You sound really really down. I’m sorry to hear you regret this. Your baby doesn’t by the way, you know that deep down. He’s only been here 4 weeks and is still adjusting. As are you.

I went to some pretty dark places when I had my first. I was broken and exhausted. I felt like ds didn’t like me and that I was not fit to be a mother.

I should really have got help and told a professional but never did.

I think the best thing for me was routine and forcing myself out daily. Even though ds was not the best sleeper that routine helped.

Ds also had silent reflux which was horrendous.

You say your baby is formula fed? Make a note of your baby’s symptoms and ring the GP in a week with that lost. Because he might have a dairy intolerance.

Be kind to yourself op. Have you got any one you can meet up outside?

Oh OP I know how you feel. My baby is nine weeks old and the lack of support at the moment is so unfair - I feel really let down. My baby has had reflux issues and I can't get anyone to physically look at her, all I get is phone calls. I tried to breastfeed but struggled due to tongue tie and poor latch - again, a few zoom calls, but that was it. I can even have a friend over to give me a break and there is nothing to do. My baby has been quite demanding too and has had some very miserable periods and it is utterly draining. I've felt just like you do, some days I just dread the nights and then wonder how I'm going to get through the days. I think with time it will get easier, but it's ok to feel the way you do. I think some babies are harder than others do it's annoying when people say "that's just babies for you" and don't seem to really get the reality of it. What has helped me get through the dark days is getting out for a walk (sling if the pram won't work), having a shower (put the baby in a bouncer in the bathroom and if they scream it's ok to leave them for a few mins), and getting my partner to take the baby for a few hours so I can nap and feel human again. But yeah, it's shit sometimes and I really get where you're coming from.

Seriously I have tried everything. There is nothing I have not tried. This morning he was just on my chest, clawing at me, head butting, kicking, and I just felt something inside of me give up. I realised there was absolutely nothing I had left to give to him.

I think @Gunpowder meant reading your posts to the GP would help you express yourself during an appointment.

Does he prefer sitting propped up to lying down? One of mine was a crier but eventually we realised it was because he had silent reflux. He was never sick, grew fine and his nappies were ok it was just that he hated being held and he hated being put down for a nap. Once we knew and propped him up at an angle always, car seat, baby swing or chair he was much more content. He also had to be fed like this, never lying down and preferable not being held. It’s tough op but it’s a phase and there will be lots of them.it will get better and the lack of sleep helps no one.

I also still remember the first time I took ds for a walk in a pram. It was 11 years ago and I still remember the panic and shame as he screamed and screamed. He lived in a sling until I could put him in a pushchair slightly raised!!

You can’t get an appointment. It’s over the phone only and I won’t take medication so there’s not much they can do really. Sorry - like I say, I’ve nothing left. I’ve no determination or fight left, what will be will be.

Here is what helped me on the day my life changed from what you are describing to peace and a chance to rest:

Tommee tippy bottles
SMA formula milk
I also found a Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep was amazingly helpful.

Feed the baby every 3 hours but because it’s bottle feeding husband can help and this will give you longer to rest uninterrupted.

Some babies are unsettled.

It is not a reflection on you or your ability to parent.

He would be much more sad/unsettled if you weren't there trying to comfort him, you will be making a huge difference to him.

I'm sorry you have little real world help due to covid, it's a really tough time to have a baby

I spent the first 6 months of DS1s life pushing an empty pram around with him in a sling in the vain hope he might go in it. He did nothing but scream morning noon and night, unless he was on me. It really grinds you down. He did actually have a milk allergy, but that didn’t show itself until weaning (I was breastfeeding), so he had silent reflux when he was tiny and it must have been torture for him.

Having a baby is hard, having a baby in a pandemic is unimaginable. There is no support, nobody to sit it a coffee shop with and talk about the futility of it all.

Well I doubt there would be any anyway. It is what it is.

I realised there was absolutely nothing I had left to give to him

DS had CMPA as a baby. So those first 6 weeks he would scream inconsolably and fart. I know the broken ‘I can’t help you’, ‘why can’t I make it better’, ‘I have nothing left to give’ feeling.

YOU ARE HELPING JUST BY HOLDING HIM! You are being a A* mum just by not giving up! You are the only comfort and safety he knows. You are his whole world and you are honestly winning at parenting by pushing through the pain and frustration of just being there when you can’t immediately fix things for him.

Massive well done Op xxx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3982740-Baby-wont-stop-crying

See if there's anything useful on this thread. X

He’s ok after breastmilk but not formula? Is it cow based? Could you change n try goats milk formula?

I’ve no idea, I don’t have a clue. I’ve been saying for weeks he’s in pain but no one listens so I’ve given up. It’s just completely shit. And there is absolutely nothing I have not tried.

Op a lot of mums have felt like this. With my second she was such a hard baby. Didn't sleep. Screamed constantly and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I used to sit and cry with her....
turned out she had reflux and colic really bad. But by the time they sorted the problem she was already fully weaned and on cows milk as the HV told me to do it early for this reason (6months)
Wouldnt change her for the world she's me queen but wow I was on the verge of killing myself and feeling so hopeless. Just get some help op xx

OK, you are doing a wonderful job but I really do think you need to speak with your GP today, explain how you are feeling, there is no shame in this.
How was the birth, was it an instrumental birth? If so it might be worth looking up cranial osteopathy, this can make a just difference to babies and can help reflux too.
If he is unsettles after formula but not breast milk again speak to the GP, he may need some different milk.
You are doing a good job.

@Notthebestday the way you are talking is really concerning. You need to ring your GP immediately. Who else do you have around you?

Your baby will just be being a baby. Look up the fourth trimester and high needs baby. Babies are super hard. I’m 14 weeks in and my little man is having a tough time. I feel like a zombie and there are time’s when I just cannot soothe him. But that’s okay - growing up in a new scary world is hard for them! Just holding them, loving them and being there for them is sometimes all they need. You don’t HAVE to stop them crying, sometimes they need to cry. No one outside will be judging you, so trying him in the pram again is a good idea, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Head butting and kicking is entirely normal, they don’t have control over their little bodies and their bodies just react.
Right now you feel as though things won’t change and they won’t get better but they will.

If your baby is crying constantly with no respite then I would be up at A&E to be honest. Babies cry yes. They cry lots, but if he is never settling then you need to investigate further. If you are getting periods of crying and sleep and settled times then GP. You WILL be prioritised for your mental health and a health check for your baby will be given. Chase your midwives and HV; these services have NOT been stopped due to Covid. W

Please, please seek help OP. I promise you that your baby does love you and needs you right now. It’s crazy hard, you’re exhausted, stressed and it’s a shock to the system but by holding, feeding and loving your baby you are doing everything you can and are being an amazing mum. You just need support. Xxxxx

I think it might be worth investigating the reflux route yourself. Can you get out today? Get some gripe water/infacol or anything like that and start giving him a few drops before a feed.

It's honestly the only thing I can think of that could be causing the pain. What you're describing doesn't seem normal. He should be settling sometimes at least. When babies act like that it usually is reflux or digestion issues.

Maybe get some colief too.

It really is a case of perseverance to see if any of the above work.

And you are doing a great job. Please try to not get too down about this. It will be resolved.

Like I say I’ve tried everything.

Tongue tie snipped, cranial osteopath, lactation consultant, sling, another sling, a next to me crib, swaddling, a chair that sits up, a chair that lies down, Colief, I’m sure there’s more.

It doesn’t work. I have no idea why. But it doesn’t.

You can call cry-sis for support over the phone from mums who have been through this

www.cry-sis.org.uk

Please I know it's so hard even more so with the pandemic but a telephone call to GP about what you're feeling is a first step

You poor thing, my DD was like this and it was torture, I tried everything she was just a grump and only slept for 20 mins at a time.

Firstly you have to have some respite, get your DH to take baby for a few hours to give you a break.

Have you told your DH how you feel? That was a big turning point for me.

GP's are shit with babies even in non covid times - you have to push and push it really does sound like it could be reflux or an allergy

Honestly I look back on my DD's newborn times and still feel sick at the thought of them but we had a great HV who helped loads. They bad days did pass for me and they will for you too.

The way new mothers are treated through this pandemic is disgraceful.

Ha yeah I tried them last week, I was crying down the phone and she just went on about swaddling and white noise. Sorry I sound bitter. I am bitter. I wish we were both dead, I really do. I wish I’d never had him as the poor little thing is so unhappy.