I don’t want to carry on

[tunnocksreturns2019]

DH has been dead four years. Eldest DC profoundly difficult. Home life is unbearable really. Nothing to look forward to. Just long years without the love of my life. I’m so so tired.

OP my mum was in your situation over 40 years ago. My dad died when I was 5 and my brothers were in their teens. I didn't appreciate how much she had loved my dad till she died aged 90 .

I don't know how she coped, but she did, and I am eternally grateful for that.

I have suffered from depression all my life and have felt like you do, I honestly know what it's like. You feel like you're trudging a path between a precipice and an unscalable cliff. I know it's more difficult to access help at the moment but please, please seek help from your GP. Many people are reluctant to take anti-depressants for various reason but for me they lifted me up so I could see beyond the unscaleable cliff to see what could lie beyond.

You've cried out for help here, that tells me you still have hope. Build on that, take strength from the responses you've had here. You are a good person and you are a positive influence on your children and the wider world.

Please, please seek whatever help you can, you're one of the good guys and if the world is to continue, we need as many of you as we can get.

Hi Op
I know some kind of spiritual faith can help too,meet make new friends.
If you are spiritually curious or inclined ?
Also I find swimming or just having a paddle is beneficial
When Lockdown eases up you be able to use swimming pool or healthspa Jacuzzi etc.

Hi OP,
I was so sorry to read about your husband and how hard you are finding everything at the moment. This is a tough time of year for anyone who’s lost someone, and on top of such a hard year.

Letting your bubble know how much you’re struggling isn’t putting upon them, it’s the two-way street of friendship and I bet they would want to help if they can.

This year has been a really hard year, it’s made a lot of things worse or seem worse. So please bear that in mind, it’s not your fault but equally there’s no wand you can wave to rid the world of Covid and get back to a semblance of normality.

Please, find someone to talk to, go back to WAY. You may find there are others in a similar position or reeling from this shitty year. Who says you have to set an example to the new widows? This is about you and what you need.

I can’t do mindfulness my head just isn’t wired that way. Can you take up a hobby that will occupy your mind and your hands? Maybe knit or crochet a tea cosy for everyone and then another and another (substitute any other activity you want of course)but something that is just about you, not your DC, lovely (and trying) as they undoubtedly are.

It sounds really really hard. Sending a virtual hug for what it's worth xxx

Did you manage some sleep @tunnocksreturns2019

How are you feeling this morning? What does your day look like today?

Bad night. Heating came on by accident because I’ve left the remote thermostat somewhere. Woke me up. Turned it off at the wall. So today will be about four hours longer than it should’ve by been. When I was asleep, bad dreams. Urgh.

Any chance you could get out for a walk in the fresh air?

We are going for a walk this pm though it involves a drive I feel to tired for

*too

If facing today feels like too much, you can break it down into blocks in your head. For the next five minutes, for example, you can put the phone down and make a cup of tea. Then for the next five, drink the tea (without burning yourself!!) and reply to any unanswered text messages. (Just an example, I know you have the DC to work with as well!)

Going for a walk is a good idea, it's a cliche but it can help, just for a change of a scenery if anything else.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Grief is not a linear progress, and even many years on the loss can feel as raw as the day they died. Everything you're feeling is valid. I do also suggest contacting another MH service, such as SHOUT or WAY (who welcome anybody, however long ago their loss was).

Yes. This is what I do - I give myself a list in iPhone notes every morning. Need to go defrost the poor chickens’ water with a hot kettle first!

Thank you.

I am angry that this time is being wasted feeling so dreadful. When my kids have left home and I’m alone, I know I’ll miss a lot of now, regardless.

I hope the list includes doing some things for you, not just for others.

It doesn’t - I don’t have time

I don’t post on WAY - it’s not fair to the new widows to see someone in a state years on.

I think that you should think of yourself here - really if WAY might help you then you must join in - there will be many on there who will know just how you are feeling.

It is kind of you to concern yourself with the newly widowed but just at the moment it is YOU who needs the help.

It is unfortunate that your Mum does not take seriously the fact that you are sinking a bit at the moment. Maybe she needs you to spell out how down you feel and ask her and the rest of the family for specific actions that might help you through.

Hang on in there.......

This is a silly thing but could you get some take away for Dinner after your walk ask the DC what they fancy? Carve out a very little bit of time you won’t be in the kitchen.
Put things in the fuck it bucket mentally and let yourself have some slack. It’s not the same but when I lost my DM 2 years ago the DD’s were devastated and I found myself parenting angry little people when I had no parenting strength left. I was just sat on the stairs crying as I didn’t know what to offer them.
I put a lot in the fuck it bucket and we just limped by fortunately my eldest did agree to some private (reasonably priced) talking therapy which was just somewhere she could go to talk about school, loss, fitting in whatever.
It did help but it wasn’t a magic wand.
Also I know they are little but sometimes just letting them know you are struggling is ok.
Posting on the support WAY I sometimes post on the lost parent support And I’m not just looking for the best outcome I want to identify with all the journeys so I don’t feel mine is wrong. I’m sure there will be others still reeling who gladly listen and support as only they can.

@tunnocksreturns2019

Thank you.

I am angry that this time is being wasted feeling so dreadful. When my kids have left home and I’m alone, I know I’ll miss a lot of now, regardless.

Don't judge it, though. It's not wasted time. You have grieving to do; it can't be avoided. It's like work. We don't feel time at work is wasted, because although for many of us, it's meaningless in itself, it means we can pay the mortgage, have enough to eat, look after our kids, and not panic about the bills if we accidentally leave the heating on all night

You're on a path to feeling better. Just because you can't see the end from where you currently stand, that doesn't mean the end isn't there. It doesn't mean that each step is a wasted step. It's just some horrible work you have to do. It's testament to how much you loved him.

By the way, being too hot in the night leads to vivid dreams. I never dream normally, but if I sleep somewhere too hot (especially artificially heat), I can guarantee I'm in for a frantic night of sleep-panic. Keep cool tonight. With all this unpleasant emotional work you're being put through, I bet you're needing lots of rest.

Sorry to hear you had a bad night @tunnocksreturns2019 - me too, so I'm knackered!

As I'm probably old enough to be your mum, can I say that one thing that would make me very sad if I were your mum, is you not doing things for yourself, but thinking about other people all the time.

It's an admirable thing - in most circumstances - but now, of all times, is when you need to be thinking about yourself. Naturally your children have to be considered, (and the chickens!) but your needs are as important as theirs - so why don't you have time for yourself today?

I don't mean that harshly - it really, honestly, comes from my heart. You need to look after yourself, and you need to ask other people to look after you too.

Oh Tunnocks ❤️

If you don't feel safe to be alone, it sounds like you should be talking to your GP.

Tunnocks, I have been where you are. DH died when the DC were 8 and nearly 4. The hardest time was when DS was 11 or 12, and he was horrible to his little sister all the time, and she would wind him up, and I felt like I was constantly in the middle trying to stop them bickering and fighting each other and fighting me for my attention. They both adamantly refused any kind of counselling.

We went for months when I could not have them at the dinner table together - I would send one to go and eat in front of the TV instead. I sometimes had to do emergency stops in the car to shock them into silence because they were bickering so much in the back seat it was distracting me from driving (don't worry, I always checked the rear view mirror first to make sure it was safe).

I didn't have much support (moved countries after DH died, and my parents were already elderly and progressively more disabled by then). It was a horrible time.

But - it got better. The DCs grew up a little and stopped bickering - they are good friends now. I managed to find some things to do just for myself, rather than only running around for other people, which was healthier for me and for them.

When you are in the fog of it, it seems endless, but there really are better times ahead. Obviously there are issues now that there weren't for me - social distancing, bubbles etc - but I did learn to ask for help when I really needed it, and I think you need to do that too, whether it is from friends, family, GP, other support services or whatever.

exexpat your first two paragraphs are basically my life. Mine were 7 and 5. It’s too hard.

Tunnocks how was the walk? If it was anything like FFF (forced family fun) in our house then it may have ended with bickering kids and me stomping and vowing to never take them anywhere again. To which the kids seem pleased, the little —shits—

I remember you from years ago... I don’t have any magic pearls of wisdom to add apart from, i hate this time of year and I’m not even worthy of feeling shit about Xmas and the NY. I find it bleak and a period of ups (Xmas day) and bloody bleak nothing days in between. What I’m trying to very badly say is that no wonder you are struggling right now.

The other thing is yes, 11 yr old boys/girls pre puberty can really truly push your buttons... if he’s ok at school (behaviour) then I reckon he’s a nightmare at home because he’s in his safe space - and that means you have done a good job. Sorry simplistic, I don’t have the way with words that I used to. Thinking of you though.

Just checking in @tunnocksreturns2019 - how was your day? How are you feeling now?

Have you had snow where you are? Darn Sarf we haven't had anything, although it's cold, and I'm finding myself quite envious of people who have had it! (Now that we don't have to travel anywhere, obviously)

Thanks for asking. Settling into a horrible anxiety-depression combo which I know won’t lift any time soon.

We did make it out for a walk (muddy not snowy) with a fellow widow and her children. It was genuinely nice to witness her kids fighting too haha. Then kids went to bubble family for a few hours and I deChristmassed the house whilst listening to Alexander McCall Smith on Audible. He is a beacon of cheerful calm and delightfulness. But he does make me want to move to Edinburgh.

I have spent the past 45 minutes translating half a page of Harry Potter and the Philosophers’ Stone from the Italian back into English, because I can’t think of anything else whilst I’m doing it. Do I know Italian? Well no but I should know a lot more in a few months. I have an Italian cousin and she has a beautiful baby I would like to visit one day.

So you’ll see I have tried today. In my way. I’ve felt bad the whole day and I still do, but I tried.