I don’t want to carry on

[tunnocksreturns2019]

DH has been dead four years. Eldest DC profoundly difficult. Home life is unbearable really. Nothing to look forward to. Just long years without the love of my life. I’m so so tired.

There’s other helplines to call
Call one
Keep calling
Someone will answer

Do you think you are safe to be on your own tonight? Should someone be with you?

You don’t have to be everything to everyone
Make small changes to your day
You said previously your child has home made biscuits, while you need more time to think to yourself do they need homemade biscuits. Not making them will give you time.
Put a film on Let them watch tv
Let them play together
Tell your eldest no to late night snacks yes she’ll complain because that’s what kids do, then she’ll stop getting up

On Tunnocks You are doing an amazing job in a tremendously difficult situation. You have been through so much (I've followed your threads over the years)

Cut yourself a little slack. This year has been incredibly isolating and difficult for people who are in happy relationships and not grieving so estimate is at least ten times harder for single parents and then slap on a traumatic death of your partner and fuck me I'm amazed you're still standing.

I lost my baby DS a few years ago and now my mum this year to cancer with diagnosis to death in 9 weeks and although our losses are of course very different I do understand that grief induced fog feeling of having absolutely nothing left to give.

Some days are like walking through tar. The slog of a difficult day and you get to the end and it's still awful and sad and you feel like there really is no point.

But there is a point. Your two beautiful children. Sadly you have to not be selfish right now. You have every right to be cross and upset about that, none of this is fair and you didn't ask for any of it but your children absolutely cannot lose both their parents so young and I say this with absolute kindness and with a heart that breaks for you I'm sorry if that doesn't come across the way it's intended I really am.

I know you're exhausted and that makes everything seem like an even harder mountain to climb but you can do it. You've already been to hell and back right? You'll survive this because you have to. Kicking and screaming you'll get until tomorrow morning and then you'll do it all again until gradually it just gets a little easier. No-one knows when that will be sadly.

Can you make a telephone appointment with the GP tomorrow and explain you are having suicidal thoughts? You need to urgently access some help. I seem to remember you are way up the top of the land but if I'm wrong and you're remotely near or in the south east I will happily butt my way in to your life and try and help you feel less alone.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to reach the Samaritans tonight. I'll happily chat to you if you need someone on the phone but obviously I'm not trained in anything just a slightly hormonal mid 40s partial train wreck herself kind of girl.

I know you hate zoom but if you want someone to shout at or rant to then I'd happily volunteer to be at the other end.

I remember when your DH died Tunnocks, so sorry things are so difficult

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I am being self indulgent and whingy. I’m trying to stop crying and get to bed but I don’t want to go to sleep because then I’ll have to wake up again and it’s an awful feeling. I tried to reach out to my mum but all she said was “You’ll be okay...you do so well”

I am sick and tired of “doing so well”

I remember your posts when your DH passed away Tunnocks. I'm so sorry things are bad for you just now. Please keep talking to us.

You are not whiney. You just sound like someone so desperately trying to be heard.

Hello lovely mum
Please please reach out to anyone including your gp
It's hard ...I have 3 kids and have spent a long time with them going through mental health issues and traumas
Honestly.....don't know how I did it and I majorly cocked it up ...lots
But in the long run somehow without you realising you get days of sunshine and rewards
But ...you owe it to yourself to do stuff that makes you feel like you
Xx

11 is a tricky age, my DS1 was horrible and drove me mad every day. 😟
And the fighting with his younger brother! I thought it'd never stop. Also, this was without the added complications of losing their Dad and Covid restrictions in the mix.

I'm not surprised you feel empty; you are holding the family up - stressful at any time but after recent events, unsurprising.

Please lean on your bubble - they are a 'support' bubble, it's what they're there for.

In what way is DC difficult? Do you think he wants/needs more time with you?

Ha, my DD never usually has midnight feasts! We’ll be back to early nights before school restarts.

I didn’t try to call the Samaritans tonight, that was a while ago. I won’t be calling anyone. It’s hard to explain oneself at the best of times, and I hate being misunderstood

When I'm struggling with intrusive thoughts when I'm trying to get to sleep I watch videos on YouTube of a few different people who sell wax melts of all things.

They describe the way the wax smells and where they warm it and blah blah blah. It really helps me - it calms me to watch something so banal. Though I have now started buying the bloody things

I also have a game on my iPad that you have to sort different coloured balls into different piles. That helped me a lot when things were massively chaotic.

Not quite typically mindfulness but stuff that gave my brain a mental break if that makes sense?

More time with me? DS has time with me from 7am-10pm every day, plus homeschool as from next week. Nope, that’s the last thing he needs

Sorry when you said you'd called them I assumed you meant tonight.

Yes I think I did give that impression by mistake

Hi Tunnocks ,
We're so sorry that you're feeling so rough right now, this is a tough time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one, isn't it? And the children are so excited and wrung out that it can be even more tiring.
We can see that you are on top of all the phone numbers and we're sure you're very familiar with our Mental Health resources but we just wanted to say that you can contact the Samaritans here on the website, or email them on [email protected].
We really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers have said, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well. Did you know about this site too? We do need to move this to Mental Health too, as per our policy, we hope you don't mind?
We remember your posts about your DH, and your evident love for each other; yours is a familiar and welcome name to many of us (and not just because of the excellent snowballs).
Sending love and .

@tunnocksreturns2019

You wouldn’t believe everything I’ve managed to do over the past few years. But now I’m totally out of steam.

I don't doubt it. You have been a Wonder Woman with everything you have done for your DC and your family. Now it's time to take care of yourself. I'm sorry I can't understand what you are going through and the waves of grief you must be experiencing but please hang in there. Lots of strangers on the internet care about you as you can see by this thread. Hang in there.

God Tunnocks, I SOOOO get you when you say you’re sick & tired of “doing so well”! I could’ve written this exact same sentence myself yesterday when I was at my lowest ebb ever. I was RAGING that I’d finally seen my shielding parents from afar, and despite me being severely clinically depressed, bereaved, on my own with the kids etc my Dad kept saying how “well” I looked and what a “great job” I was doing.

I felt like saying: I AM NOT FUCKING “WELL” AND BELIEVE ME ID RATHER NOT BE IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO “DO WELL” BUT IVE NO CHOICE”!

I totally get you, and totally hear you. It’s shit.

However, today I don’t feel quite a suicidal. And tomorrow I’ll feel even less-so. I wonder if you’d come on the return journey with me? X

Are you close with your bubble family that you mention above?

If so then do you think you could talk to one of them about how you are feeling? I know it's not going to solve everything but you sound frustrated about not being able to voice how you feel.

Do they have DC similar age? Could you ask for them to have them for a short while or even just to take them for a walk for a bit to give you some space?

Tunnocks. I also could not read & then not post.
I too was widowed 4 years ago. My DS is now 14.
Christmas, NYE, New Years Day are especially hard alone. And that is without Covid. Just take one day at a time.

4 years is no time. Don't berate yourself. There is a lot of help out there but not all of it will.be your style.
The long term stress, sadness & struggling alone take their toll. I recently admitted this & contacted the GP. I am now on an antidepressant. I am also giving myself more slack and doing the odd thing just for me. (Including eating too much chocolate!)
You are worth it. Just one step at a time.
You are welcome to PM me.

Tunnocks maybe definitely lean on that bubble then ask them to give you and DS a break from each other. You'd probably both benefit and whoever your bubble is will surely want to help? I know I would if my bubble asked. 🙂

Oh tunnocks I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Keep holding on and keep talking. I hear you

If there is anyone who could maybe take the children for a day to let you have some r and r it may help.

Bubble do indeed help (and I help back) - they are a busy family and I am mindful of their own needs. I don’t like to put upon people

So many of you I want to reply to properly