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Original poster

I don’t want to carry on

193 replies

tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 22:28

DH has been dead four years. Eldest DC profoundly difficult. Home life is unbearable really. Nothing to look forward to. Just long years without the love of my life. I’m so so tired.

OP posts:
MagicSeeker · 01/01/2021 23:39

Have you got a plan for tomorrow? How about splitting the day into 30 min time slots (or longer/shorter - whatever suits you) and planning what you want to do with your day? Set time aside for a bath, a nap, 30 mins reading... Whatever you fancy. Share it with DC in the morning and let them know they'll be occupying themselves quietly at these times. Put in some slots of time 1:1 with each child or all of you together doing things you find pleasurable and easy (watch a film, colouring, Art Hub kids drawing session on YouTube, Go Noodle kids yoga... whatever YOU feel would be doable). The school holidays can feel overwhelming with no structure and you can't see where the breaks will be. Maybe waking up knowing exactly what you'll be doing for the day will feel good. And make it easier to go to bed, knowing that the day ahead of you is manageable.

Original poster
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 23:39

At the moment if I had a day on my own I wouldn’t feel safe in any case, but it’s not practicable anyway

OP posts:
Horsemad · 01/01/2021 23:40

But you're not putting on people. They WANT to help. Please talk to them - for your children. Please?

Original poster
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 23:40

Chuckling at the thought of DS adhering to a plan. I always have a plan. He has his. They do not tally very often Grin

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/01/2021 23:42

@tunnocksreturns2019

So many of you I want to reply to properly Flowers
Lordy, don't let the thread add to your list of things to do. I just hope you're feeling better for a bit of support. Sorry your Mum minimised your feelings when you needed her.
Impatientwino · 01/01/2021 23:42

'New year' is a funny time isn't it and I suspect that combined with the thought of home schooling and the lack of structure and support you were expecting well, that's a massive amount to process. No wonder you're exhausted.

Original poster
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 23:44

I am failing at so many things.

OP posts:
wetasstenalady · 01/01/2021 23:46

Please Tunnocks be kind to yourself.
Don't feel this pressure to feel happy and like you have to be strong every day. Your love for your kids has always shone through all your posts. They are your all and you are theirs. That does not mean you won't find it hard. They are hard work at those ages but they are also grieving possibly worrying how you are feeling and have just like you a really different and difficult year with lockdowns homeschooling etc etc.
Please just know it's okay to not be okay.

Horsemad · 01/01/2021 23:46

@tunnocksreturns2019

I am failing at so many things.
Ok, what are you failing at? Many many people don't manage to do what you do; give yourself some credit.
Mulhollandmagoo · 01/01/2021 23:47

9&11 are hard ages at the best of times, never mind with what you're going through and how you're feeling, yet still you get up and show up for them every day and that makes you pretty incredible of you ask me.

4 years really isn't that long all things considered, so ease try not and be too hard on yourself. I know you said counselling isn't for you, but would you consider some bereavement counselling for your children? At least your oldest, it could be that they are struggling to process their emotions so could benefit them having a chat with someone and might take some pressure off you with the difficult behaviour?

I think right now, you need to do what you need to do and feel how you need to feel with no guilt, I know it's really cliché but time really is a great healer, and one day you won't feel like this, you'll always miss your husband but one day it will be bearable, just one day at a time. You have this, the whole of MN are right behind you Flowers

Original poster
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 23:48

Please just know it's okay to not be okay - ah no, that’s for other people. It doesn’t hold in my family. It never has.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/01/2021 23:48

@tunnocksreturns2019

I am failing at so many things.
Can you simply allow it? Is anyone else telling you you're failing, or are you failing your own high standards?

Failing is permissible. Unless your children are suffering from neglect, the rest can be full on failed. Especially if the alternative is impacting on your mental health.

Original poster
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 23:48

My eldest would never, ever agree to counselling

OP posts:
CabinClose · 01/01/2021 23:50

Did you know there’s a WAY group for teens and pre-teens? Would your eldest agree to join that? Perhaps some peer support would help?

Original poster
tunnocksreturns2019 · 01/01/2021 23:51

Nope, he wouldn’t go for that.

OP posts:
Smokeahontas · 01/01/2021 23:52

I can only echo what other posters have said and maybe to add a bit more. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through to arrive at this point, but I have been at this point too. Where you just want it to stop, no matter what ‘stop’ is. And as hard as it may seem to believe now, you will not always feel like this. I found it hard to believe as well, and from time to time still do.

Please don’t leave before your time.

wetasstenalady · 01/01/2021 23:52

@tunnocksreturns2019

Please just know it's okay to not be okay - ah no, that’s for other people. It doesn’t hold in my family. It never has.
It does in this family sweetheart And we are all hear to listen Daffodil
Goslowlysideways · 01/01/2021 23:54

A very dear friend of mine lost her husband almost 11 years ago and she has found WAY really helpful. She goes away with them in the summer. Seeing a counselor didn't suit her and I know she still has days where she is overwhelmed with it all.
Does the school know how tricky your 11yo is? They might have things to offer. Even in lockdown. 11 is hard and everything that's happening makes it so much harder. Would he join a group when things are easier? Police cadets or something sports related?
Grief is awful. I lost my daughter 15 years ago and some days I feel too sad to function. I've learnt over the years that I sometimes need to let the grief overwhelm me and not fight it.
You seem to me to be doing an amazing job. Speak to the school X

Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/01/2021 23:56

What do your kids bicker about? Mine are slightly younger and the petty arguments wear me down, and the physical fighting. I have to separate them during the day but then they can have moments where they’re lovely to one another. About a month ago I lost it with them, I shouted and slammed my fist on the table, they got the shock of their lives and I felt terrible after.

Their D left when they were tiny so I get how hard it is solo, it’s unrelenting.

We are here, keep posting, we are listening.

peachgreen · 01/01/2021 23:56

Oh Tunnocks. I'm so sorry. This is such an impossible time of year. I'm a new widow and a member of WAY and I would absolutely not resent you posting for support from your fellow widows. They get it and there are plenty of people there who have been widowed for as long and longer than you who still struggle. That's okay, it's okay for us to know that. Nobody's journey is the same.

I feel so bloody sorry for us both. Nobody should have to go through this. But we have and we're doing it and honestly, even though things are so hard for you, the fact that you're still here, still taking care of your children four years on leaves me full of admiration for you. Because it's absolutely fucking shit and yet you're still doing it.

Sending you Flowers and unmumsnetty hugs. Please remember that this is the absolute shittiest time of year for those of us grieving and Covid is making everything worse. Nothing can bring your lovely DH back but the rest of the stuff will improve with time - no more lockdown, some kind of normality for your kids, more time with friends and family - and that will help.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/01/2021 23:57

Sorry didn’t mean to go on about my kids, just that I get how hard it is to deal with.

Horsemad · 01/01/2021 23:57

Stop trying to be how your family expect/want you to be. This is YOUR bereavement, you are the one doing the coping and keeping it going and if you aren't ok, then that's fine, do what you need to do to get through this bit.

DressingGown · 01/01/2021 23:58

You are not putting upon people. People want to help, they really do. I and other posters wish we could help. You are not a burden. You are loved. I nearly didn’t get through New Years 2012/2013 and couldn’t imagine ever wanting to live. But it was the circumstances, not me. I needed to hang in there and hold on tight to get to the happier times I have reached. I never thought I could be happy. It’s of no comfort when you are in pain now, I know, but you will reach better times. I can’t say when, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And lean on people. (Also Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive helped me. I believe it’s free now. And it’s written in short sections which is all I could cope with at the time.)

bluebell34567 · 02/01/2021 00:08

sorry for your situation Flowers.
can you go to your gp, you sound quite depressed (naturally at your situation). AD's may help you.

thosetalesofunexpected · 02/01/2021 00:10

Hi Op
Sorry about your loss CakeBrewDaffodil
Have you got good friends/family members you can turn to?
You could take in turns with a friend/family members to babysit for each other,
Or you could do a favour for e.g offer a wisdom of a useful skill in return for having your children babysat or pay them.

Is Gingerbread single parent support group still going?or any other support groups/tel help lines online?

Do you have spare time in day or night time from your children to have a break on a regular basis?
if not,
Make sure you set robust strong boundaries to have spare time for yourself essential for your Sanity Op..

With your spare time check YouTube/online Facebook
to learn a new skills/interests you are curious about or you used to?
Benefits to you are :
It be fun,get your mojo back.!
And get your self identity back,not just a mother you are much more than that too,
It improve self cofindence..

Also listen to good music you like on youtube /online make you feel better.
Watch feel good movies that you enjoy.
Watch funny films/stand up comedians
Have a go,experiment at doing creative Art activities.
does not matter if you are talented at this or not,
Have a go at doing meditation its good for stress, well known for clarity for mind.
Also on a regular basis go for a walk in nature on your own or with your children.
Do star gazing often..
Have a healthspa pamper session at home for yourself.
Also when lockdown eases up
Find out about Holistic Therapies/healthspa pamper session ,such as hot stone massage etc.
Learn a new skill such as learning a new languages etc
To do a course/workshop online

Also look into feng shui books from libarery etc, helps to improve your personal envoriment,so it works better for you.