Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have done so well to get this far. I think it's time to be really really honest with your husband. You can do this.

I’m so bored of being a mum because of how she is. I love her, she’s so beautiful and I really can’t believe she is mine, but I am not enjoying this. It’s relentless she’s non stop all the time I have no time for me. Some people would say this is what comes with being a mother and I get that, but she is not like your average baby and everyone says that. They’ve come to visit and they’ll say ‘it’s a good job she’s beautiful otherwise you’d go mad wouldn’t you’ or ‘Gosh she is so needy she doesn't stop , how do you cope ? Good job she’s cute’ and I’m bored of hearing it, it’s making me feel like a terrible mother

She’s a baby OP. You’re not coping because you’re depressed, not because your baby is doing anything wrong. Sometimes the language we use can really frame our thinking so try to choose wisely

OP I hope you will be okay soon. I had PND and once meds kicked in I felt a lot better.
I was just wondering if they baby maybe crying more because she is hungry, they were right in saying if you don't eat properly your milk will turn watery therefore the baby will get hungry and cry more. X
Sending big hugs 🤗. X

@MB90 hi MB, I know she’s not doing anything wrong , I know it’s because I’m depressed , that’s just how I was feeling when I wrote it. She isn’t your average baby though she is much more needy even the HV said that but the HV said she’ll be picking up on my mood and will naturally want to cuddle more.
But I know she’s a baby and I know I’m depressed. What u write was just what I felt on that day and I come on here as my safe place to write things down. Thank you for the advise on frame of thinking , I’ll try and work on that .

the language we use can really frame our thinking so try to choose wisely

I think right now the OP can use exactly what languages she pleases.

Thank you for everyone’s continued support and for sticking by me

@randomer thank you x

Update : So I’ve spoken to my husband more and he says he knows I’m getting worse and he is concerned about me , and he’s worried sick that with this new lockdown that I won’t cope and he says he knows I say that I’ll tell someone if I get bad again when I’m alone , but he says nobody knows how they’ll act in crisis so I’ve told him I will call the doctor tomorrow to ask them for some advise On next steps. I also have a therapy session in two weeks time .

Well done on speaking to your husband, that is fantastic news and a big step.

It's also amazing you're calling the doctor! Is there any chance your husband can join you on the call to help push for help? If he can't, can you prep a little? Write a little list of your feelings and emotions and how long it has been going on. It's so hard, but now is the time to be really honest. You need to tell them that you don't feel safe.

Does homestart exist in your area? Can you ask for a referral?

You have done well to get this far. You should be so very proud of yourself.

Finally, have you and your husband discussed his hours and him being home to help you more, or asking for help/buying some help in?

@PumpkinSpicedLatte how are you today? Hope you're having a good day!

@absolutehush hi, I was just about to come on beee to update actually . So the Crisis team are getting involved and the Dr was amazing today and is calling me tomorrow with a possible update about the plans. They want to avoid admitting me to hospital but he wants to do all he can to keep me safe over the next 4 weeks especially . So crisis team are getting involved to help me. I appreciate you checking in thank you x

OP I’m sure the Crisis Team can help. I told my GP a couple of weeks ago that I’d driven to a bridge to assess if it was a high enough drop to kill me and it was all systems go from there. The crisis team visited me for 3 days in a row, then I had an assessment with a psychologist yesterday and another therapist is doing a home visit tomorrow. They’ve been brilliant and I’ve been promised ongoing “robust” support. It’s horrible feeling like this but I really want to get better and I do so hope that things start improving for you soon.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte thank you for the update! I have to say, I'm so pleased that you're getting the support you deserve. I really hope this is the turning point for you feeling better.

I'm really proud of you - it's so hard to ask for help!

Come back to let us know how you are if you feel able!

Good news mate.

Please get help, reach out, your friends and your husband would be more upset to think you were struggling with this all on your own and even more so devastated to loose you. You are loved and valued, having a baby is hard, there is nothing wrong with needing some help, you deserve it.

Sorry hadn't read all your thread, so glad you're get some help.

So the crisis team have said They can’t help me because I have already been referred to perinatal team , but they won’t see me because I don’t fit their criteria . But because a referral exists , crisis can’t see me. So, back to square one. Not going to let this go, I’m not going down without a fight. I put our Christmas tree up today and it looks bloody beautiful so that was nice

@PumpkinSpicedLatte really feel for you, as despite you looking for help they are not recognising how desperately are. Please go to A&E and if necessary beg for help. Get your husband to share his concerns to the drs and whoever else needs telling.
So sorry you've been left feeling abandoned ❤️

One of lifes greatest ironies is at a time when you need clarity , your own clarity is compromised. You literally can't think straight.

Would it be worth contacting Mind?

@PumpkinSpicedLatte I'm concerned you've just disappeared. Please let us know how you're doing. X

@Grrrpredictivetex hi sorry, I’m here.
I’m having another bad day but trying to stay positive . Husband is working all weekend . I just feel like the system is so backwards and so messed up. There’s no support there, they’re all talk and no action. They only care once someone becomes another statistic .
I think I will have to call for some support today, the Dr who spoke to me was amazing but there’s only so much he can do. He gave me a number for a local helpline so I might call them. I just feel like I’m wasting their time somehow . X

Pumpkin, don't take this the wrong way but you sound a little angry, which is a good thing.

Ring the helpline.

@randomer I’m far from angry

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time just now. I hope you have rung the helpline number.
It might not be much help, but I know from experience that life can be awful sometimes, but it does get better, I promise. It takes time, and it's hard for you to see because of the way you feel at the moment, but one day you'll look back at this period and realise that it was your hormones all over the place.
Things will get better, you have to hold onto that thought, and know that you are valued and loved. 💐

@PumpkinSpicedLatte where abouts do you live?