Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

I'm sorry , I'm going to be firm here......this is way too much for anybody.

Let's out the PND to one side.

A woman at the height of health would find this scenario utterly exhausting.

It is admirable that your husband has an important career and he has chosen to pursue it but the present situation is untennable longer term.

Either he goes part time and supports you ( probably a nonstarter) or you buy in help.

Tricky in the Covid times but cleaners,nannies,and so on are still available.

All you do is 1. Care for yourself 2. Care for baby . In that order.

sorry for typos.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte how are you today?

Have you given the post from @randomer any thought? I think there's a very valid point about balance and being given more space to get back on an even keel.

Everything will feel more bleak when you're physically drained!

I’m having another bad day and my daughter was up most the night .
I feel like I’m bringing everyone down (I am not depressing in person generally but when asked if I’m ok by those that know, I am occasionally honest ). I put myself down a lot and just feel like I need to stop being honest and lie. My health visitor said today how I look really great and my husband said I had been doing better, but honestly in reality I’ve never felt this bad. I’m getting so much worse but no longer want to be honest because I am convinced my friends will leave me.

My MIL is coming to help clean in the week as she’s no longer working . She isn’t coming every day, just as and when I need it.
I am doing all I can but my anxiety and intrusive thoughts about my friends hating me are taking over .

In other news I am booking to go and get my brows and lashes done as a treat . So that’s progress I suppose

@PumpkinSpicedLatte I'm really sorry that it's another tough day. Do you think you could be more open with your husband soon? Have you asked him about getting more balance?

It's fantastic that your mil is able to help you, but could you maybe use the time to have a walk and a coffee? I think some space might really help.

I know you've not had great success but can you go back to your GP? Can you husband come to help advocate for you?

It really shines through your posts how kind and loving you are, and I think how worried your are about inconveniencing your loved ones you are. I think they would be heartbroken to find out you feel this way. Try to talk if you can.

Keep going pumpkin, you are doing great.
That's good about your MIL. Hopefully you can make it a regular thing and you can have a break, a kip or trip to the hairdressers and beauty salon.
Do you get out with the pram for walks? I know the weather isn't great but the fresh air is good!
And talk to your friends, be honest with them

@AJB120 thank you AJ I do try my best and like to think I’m a good wife , friend etc .
@absolutehush yes I had a word with him and today he’s done the washing and everything , I do feel bad asking him for help as he’s said before about his long hours but i do know he would be heartbroken if he knew the stress of housework was adding to my mental load.
I think the next step would be for him to advocate for me for sure . I need to be more honest with him but I hate the pain on his face when he hears how I’m feeling .
I am such a caring person and hate to burden and upset people . That’s a big downfall of mine .
@NinaNannoo I love going out for walks, I do it most days and usually put her in the wrap because she prefers to be cuddled up to me and it leaves me hands free then. One of the other issues I’m facing is (as lovely as it is) my daughter will not met me put her down. She’s so cute but it’s a nightmare 😭 she screamed for a solid 2 and a bit hours because I put her down to go for a shower .

Dear Pumpkin, try ( I know its so so difficult) to reframe things in a less " All of Nothing Way".

Of course you are a caring person, a lovely friend, a fantastic Mum, a nice partner bit through no fault of your own you are not too well right now.

As I suggested a while ago, it can be absolutely terrifying to voice your inner thoughts and fears. Could you just say to friends something like " not doing well at all today". That way it alerts them, and if they are empathic and kind , they will pick up on it.It also goes some way to release the terror and isolation.

Well done on the eyebrow appointment. As soon as MiL shows up and reaches for the hoover, throw on some clothes and get out of the house.

I would also ask the HV re the non stop screaming. Babies are built to survive and survive they will!

Now we’ve gone into tier 2 lockdown and I’m like what am I going to do now ? The people who look out for me can’t even come round now . Today is terrible . Baby won’t stop crying , I can’t put her down without her cry turning to a scream, she is constantly wanting feeding for comfort , then she feeds for hunger , then cries and feeds for comfort again. Like the HV said, it’s just the way she is but I can’t cope with it, it’s driving me to insanity .
MiL can’t come now as she’s shielding due to an auto immune problem and we are in lockdown anyway, husband is working. Yesterday was lovely as my best friend took me out, baby slept great in the morning before we left so I could even do my hair , makeup, even managed to paint my nails. Had a lovely day out and then baby was then horrendous, if you’re not holding her she’s not happy. But it’s unrealistic I can’t hold her all day. I’m beyond tired . I’m so bored of being a mum because of how she is. I love her, she’s so beautiful and I really can’t believe she is mine, but I am not enjoying this. It’s relentless she’s non stop all the time I have no time for me. Some people would say this is what comes with being a mother and I get that, but she is not like your average baby and everyone says that. They’ve come to visit and they’ll say ‘it’s a good job she’s beautiful otherwise you’d go mad wouldn’t you’ or ‘Gosh she is so needy she doesn't stop , how do you cope ? Good job she’s cute’ and I’m bored of hearing it, it’s making me feel like a terrible mother .

I spent £200 on a baby swing thing last night out of pure desperation , so that’s coming tomorrow . Apparently the most terrible of babies have settled in it so I’m hoping the reviews were honest. She won’t go on the play mat for a minute , her cot unless I’m laying beside it, she won’t go in her baby chair , it’s absolutely horrific . I understand the 4th trimester , how she feels safe being held, people have said go out in the car and she’ll settle, but she screams so much in the car that my husband has had to pull over before because he felt unsafe to drive as she was that loud he couldn’t focus . She stops as soon as you hold her.

The 4th trimester is just the worse! Did the clock change effect her? It did with my Dd 16 months, apparently 4.30am is an appropriate time to get up now?!🙄😩😴

Have you got a sling? If she was strapped to you would that make her comfortable? I know it's not ideal, but she's feel warm and safe next to you and you'd have your hands free to do a few jobs x

@Seriously79 nobody tells you about these things :-(
No funnily enough it didn’t bother her but I think it most likely will next year when she’s a bit more into a full routine .
4:30- not good !

Yes she loves the sling and I use it out and about, as she won’t settle in the pram so it’s a good way to get her to sleep so I can go to the shops etc . But I can’t have her in it all the time because I just feel so fed up , I want to be able to pop her down and her be ok rather than me carrying her all the while :(

@PumpkinSpicedLatte - slightly controversial, but maybe let her cry?

If she's been fed, burped, and is clean I'd be inclined to leave her for a bit.

please don't flame me - I don't mean for hours, maybe 5 mins or so, so you can make a cuppa or nip to the loo?

I was on my own with my son, from when he was about 10 weeks (husband left us) and he was a whingy baby at times - he's 12 now and still a moaner! 😂 but there were time when I just let him cry it out, I reiterate again only 5 mins or so so I could gulp some fresh air out the back door, or have a pee.

@Seriously79 I won’t flame you, because I completely understand what you mean. I do often put her down in safe place (so her cot or the play mat) and walk away for 5 , mainly before I lose the plot completely . It’s just the fact that she’s still screaming so even if I can get some fresh air or drink some tea, I can still hear her or know she’s screaming so I just can’t enjoy it, if that makes sense ? Showering is another horrendous thing now that’s not even enjoyable anymore . Nightmare lol

@PumpkinSpicedLatte yeah, it is tricky. All you can do is hang in there x

Does she have a dummy? Piece of your clothing? I used to use my pillow case as a sheet for the mosses basket x

@Seriously79 she won’t take a dummy , I try every day to see if she’ll take it and she screams and gags, tried every one possible to see if it was the teat but it made no difference .

Tried the t-shirt thing, works at night but not in the day. I feel like I’ve tried everything . Every time my friends check in on me I feel like I never have any truly happy to say, so I’ll say I’m ok but deep down I want to be like ‘No everything is shit, she’s been crying since 6am nothing I do is working’. I cannot wait for the day where I genuinely feel good and I can be like ‘everything is great thank you!’ And truly mean it

I have backed off doing advice on baby, as it is a long time since those days for me. But I do remember them. Please dear Pumpkin remember baby is primed to survive and survive she will!
Take 5 or 10 minutes for yourself.

Get a bloody cleaner!

a sling?

@randomer got a sling and yes it works but I don’t want to be attached to her all the time :(

I know they’ll survive , I just hate hearing her scream . It drives me mad . I’m so tired

Tried the t-shirt thing, works at night but not in the day

Mmm, maybe what on offer during the day is more interesting than a T shirt? And could be made less interesting?

Is it possible to self admit yourself to a mother baby unit ?

Pumpkin, please tell those around you how you feel. If you can't get the words out write it down.

Hi op you've been so brave to admit to your feelings. I can see from the date of the thread that this has been going on for a while and I'm so sorry your dp isn't supporting you. It's not your job to support his mental health as well as yours. If he is struggling too, he needs to do what you've done and seek proper help.

The problem with being a kind caring person is that sometimes, you'll be having a crisis and hardly anyone is there for you because they're so used to you not needing any help. Unfortunately that means you have to shout extra loud even when it feels like you've got no voice left.

You've done so well to try so many avenues to seek help. How strong you are that you haven't given up! Have you tried the charities Mumsnet linked above for post natal depression? Mind might be able to help you to push for proper mental health support.

There is nobody your baby loves more than she loves you. She doesn't deserve better than you, because there is nobody better. But your illness is telling you something different. Given the right treatment, the illness will recede and you will find yourself again. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you brave, brave woman.