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Original poster

Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

297 replies

PumpkinSpicedLatte · 04/10/2020 16:29

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

OP posts:
Nonmaquillee · 22/04/2021 23:07

I've just read the last few posts. Are you having a bad time?

Original poster
PumpkinSpicedLatte · 22/04/2021 23:09

Hi, yes @Nonmaquillee . It took me ages to find my post so I could write on it.

My husband has told me he can’t see us together anymore . So we are separating . I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault even though I know it’s not . I am in a very dark place again. None of this has got better . My daughter is 8 months old next week I have only just received my psychology appointment linked to the referral made when I was 16 weeks pregnant .
all my friends are asleep . I can’t bare feeling this way anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinSpicedLatte · 22/04/2021 23:10

I think I’m going to just take myself to a&e but not sure if that’s wasting their time

OP posts:
Nonmaquillee · 22/04/2021 23:11

Is there anyone you can call right now?
The Samaritans?

Nonmaquillee · 22/04/2021 23:13

I'm so very sorry that you are in a dark place.
If you went to A&E, is there someone to stay with your daughter at home?
You absolutely wouldn't be wasting their time at A&E.

mrsmacmc · 22/04/2021 23:14

@PumpkinSpicedLatte you aren't wasting anyone's time. Please go to A&E as a place of safety 💐 ❤️

ContessaVerde · 22/04/2021 23:16

Don’t think about it in terms of wasting people’s time. The people who work in A and E work hard, but they do it because they love helping people, and they’d definitely rather see you sooner than later!

Book a taxi and go.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 22/04/2021 23:19

Hi OP, you wouldn't be wasting anyone's time by going to A&E. Are you safe currently? x

PickleKid · 22/04/2021 23:29

They might be able to refer you to a mother and baby unit. I think your daughter is young enough you can still go in together.

You don't have to face this alone.

PickleKid · 22/04/2021 23:33

A&E I mean. Start there and then see about the referral to Mother and Baby unit. You aren't wasting anyone's time. Get the help you need, and don't feel bad about needing it. 💜

bluebell34567 · 22/04/2021 23:35

i hope you feel better op.
sorry for the situation with your dh. Flowers

bluebell34567 · 22/04/2021 23:36

do you have family around?

southernbelles · 22/04/2021 23:41

You are definitely not wasting their time OP. Do what you need to to keep yourself & your daughter safe.

I have just read through all your posts for the first time & I remember that awful blackness so well. I couldn't imagine the next 5 minutes let alone a day, a week, more than that. I'm so so sorry to hear about the situation with your DH, you must be feeling utterly desperate 😢 please please seek help, & please don't worry about being a burden.

Totaldick · 22/04/2021 23:42

Hello OP, can I ask where you are in the country? So many of us would love to help you. You have no idea how many of us have been in similar situations. Do not give up. Talk to us. Please DM me I will stay awake.

Waitinginthewings · 22/04/2021 23:42

Hello. I've just read your thread. You come across as so strong, faced with so, so much. It takes strength, beyond what most people have, to reach out, to tell health professionals just how awful you are feeling.

DishingOutDone · 22/04/2021 23:44

Would this cover your area OP: www.derbyshirehealthcareft.nhs.uk/getting-help/help-mental-health-crisis

southernbelles · 22/04/2021 23:44

In response to one of your questions from a while ago, no I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel in the depths of PND. I couldn't see how I could go on a moment longer. Utter desperation & total fear was all I had at that point. I used to be petrified when my husband went to work, or when any visitors I had left. It was awful, & something I hope I never ever have to repeat. Please keep talking if you need to.

nzeire · 22/04/2021 23:48

Please go to a and e
This was my sisters story, 20 years later I’m so grateful she got the help she needed. There is no shame, please get help.

DaenerysD · 22/04/2021 23:56

Just read through the thread and I'm so sorry to see your latest post 😢
Please do call or go to a&e ❤️

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 23/04/2021 00:12

Hello there, if you don’t feel safe go to a and e now. Soon your luck will change.

Knitwit101 · 23/04/2021 00:16

I'm here.

You've had such a long battle, you are amazing.

The nights are so long when you're struggling but morning will come.

Keep going x

DoomscroIIer · 23/04/2021 00:16

My husband has told me he can’t see us together anymore
So he is willing to be primary care giver, then?
So we are separating
I am sorry to hear that Pumpkin
I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault even though I know it’s not
No it's not. The vows you make are for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. You are sick. He is bailing. That's on him.

You need to concentrate on feeling well again in this new abnormal of ours which has taken its toll on so many along with sleep deprivation which is a torture technique for a reason.
I am aware of how long referrals take - the system sucks - thankfully if your first appointment is now-ish the psych will see you at your worst so you do get the help you need: if you really don't want your husband to have custody (in the short-term) I would be pressing for a mother-and-baby placement. I am so so sorry you have done everything right - accessed all the right channels, sought help, taken meds - and it still is unrelenting. Will be up for at least another hour if you need a shoulder. Brew

theuncles · 23/04/2021 00:29

So sorry you're going through this. Please try to keep strong as PPs have said these feelings will eventually pass, and your DD needs you! Hope you're now getting help, sending you hugs, you can do this.....Flowers

BlueLights22 · 23/04/2021 00:51

Hi,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please do not feel that you would be wasting anyone's time going to A&E, they will be able to get some help for you.

It sounds like you feel worried about burdening your friends, I know its late but talking this through with you, being with you or whatever you need them to do I'm sure is much more of a preferable option to them than the unthinkable.

Please call for help, any of the contact numbers given by other posters or please take yourself to A & E, I promise that you are worth it.

Xx

Seriously79 · 23/04/2021 02:32

Hello love, remember me? We were gonna have a cuppa and some biccies x

Sorry your having a tough time x

Step 1 - breathe x you can and will get through this, tell yourself that it's ok to be feeling like this. We aren't s'pose to be perfect x

Step 2 - make that call. A & E, or Samaritans. Nhs talking therapy has helped friends too.

You've got this, and we are all here for you x