How much longer do I have to feel like this?

[Depressedmum32]

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

Lonelymum - worth going to the doctor to exclude physical causes for tiredness/low mood eg. thyroid problems/anaemia. Even if there is no identifiable physical cause, some GPs (probably luck of the draw tbh) are good at helping you to help yourself and suggesting techniques to help you feel better about yourself; seeking medical help doesn't automatically mean ADs.

Thanks agy will bear that in mind, cant stay awake as it is!! MTS, your advice to lonelymum is right, I have underactive thyroid and the symptons are very similar to depression, especially the feeling tired, so please go to the doc lonely mum as it may be a medical prob not depression.

Jammer - its really inspiring to hear from someone who has managed to overcome these problems. If you get a chance would you mind writing down what you found the biggest help and any other advice you might have.
(Oh and well done for achieving such a lot!!)
Kizziex

Wwell today is the first day That I havent felt spacey as it is now 2 days since I had a diazapam. i am having withdrawel symptoms which I was not expecting.Feel really shaky and wierd also have headache, Have kept my mind of things offering advice to other mumsnetters!!I feel detatched from things though and I did speak to my gp today who said all this is normal and will last for about a week.Of course now meds are leaving my system I realise I am down, but one thing at a time, i will tackle the sleep first, then the other things, if I dont get better I suppose I will have to try another ad, but not an ssri they obviously dont suit.My Gp has also upped my thyroid meds as he suggested that could ne making my depression worse, trouble is the damn things make your heart race!!Wish I could go to sleep and wake up feeling fantastic, feeling that life is wonderful, sadly it still doesnt feel like that at the moment.

Thanks for the advice SC and MTS. I do wonder if I have a physical problem (although prob. not anemia as I have been tested for that several times with a neg. result. I always think my tiredness is down to having four kids and a dh who is away a lot. Yes I am lonely and unhappy - I am afraid I am beginning to take that for granted - but I don't think that is entirely the problem. I have posted about this a few times before. Basically I am a very unfulfilled person whcih is why I don't think I need pills but fulfillment instead!
Hope tomorrow is better for you SC. At least you know your funny symptoms are normal withdrawal symptoms and will surely get better.

You probably are tired cos you have 4 kids!! I have 4 kids and its exhausting!!I am so sorry that you are lonely, do you have any family near by? I dont know how old your children are but do you know any mums at school or pre-school? The best way to make friends is to get involved with things like pre-school committee etc, school committees or if your children are younger what about toddler group? This is where hv tends to be helpful as they can tell you where things are happening where you live.

Spacecadet.I know you don't feel it so much but you are getting better by the day. Your posts are full of hope whereas before they were full of despair. I am so pleased. I know you're still poorly but it seems to me like you've started to climb the mountain. I hope you are feeling a bit more positive?? Lots of love XXX

Spook, I suppose your right, as I look over what I have written, I suppose I have improved a bit. I have started to climb the mountain but it is still a long way up though!!! Mind you I am looking forward to the view when I get there!!Thanks for your positive words

Lonelymum - i recall you mentioning in previous threads that you might be moving thru your dh's job? is that going to happen, or is it all off now?

Also - if you are depressed the pills can help lift your mood enough to help you see more clearly as to what you might do to make you feel more fulfilled. of course there are non-medication things you can do as well that will help lift your mood, and if you aren't suffering from severe depression/anxiety, will hopefully be enough to sort you out.

Hi Spacecadet. Was just going to ask you if you had had your thyroid levels rechecked!!! Hope your GP took bloods as well, so it's not just a stab in the dark him adjusting your meds. I can't remember the exact details but know that PG/Childbirth does affect your thyroid level anyway.

Agree with Spook - sounds like you are at the start of the climb back up, and just need to get the Cipralex and Diazepam out of your system first, so at least you can tell what's "you" and what's the "medication". Well done for getting through these hellish days.

I hope I can get over this but it is so difficult, I am crying As I write this, its not just the shock of what happened to me afew weeks ago, I have always had a tendency to depression mainly due to the awful things I have had to put up with in my life. my gp who has known me since I was a teenager said that I can cope with this , he said I am a strong person and he has seen me through worse and I will get through this. I sometimes wonder how much you have to cope with before you finally crack. There has been so much. My parents divorced when I was six. i lived with my mum, but she and I never got on , she just ignored me, I never felt loved by her and she has never told me so or hugged me.I went to live with my dad at the age of 13 but despite being an intelligent man with a respected job , he was addicted to tranqulizers( long term) and everytime he tried to wuthdraw, he beat senseless ina rage, then he became an alcoholic, he actually used to wash his tablets down with a glass of whiskey.He stood by and let his father abuse me because he was to out of it to care.When I asked for help no one believed me because my dad was well known and respected, they didnt see what he was like behind closed doors.I left home at 16 and went to live in lodgings, got a place at college, then got pregnant, sadly my son was stillborn at 26 weeks and I thought I would die from the grief. I didnt get to see him and I was told to go away and grow up, and I would have more children, how heartless. During all this my family were nowhere to be seen and I tried to kill myself, unsuccesfully. had he lived my son would have been 14 next month and I never forget.I finally got my a levels and married and had children, but only after I had endured quite a bit more heartache.The happiest I have been has been in the last 5 years since I got married, But now I feel cheated by what has happened since dd2 was born, I feel like my first few months with her are being ruined and I can never get this back. despite me begging my mum to come and stay , she wont and I feel abandoned, in fact she said to me today on the phone that Ii needed to get some excercisea and lose weight!I know my husband and my children love me but they feel like the only ones who I am important to and I just feel so insignificant. i am so glad that no one can see me face to face, im sure anyone reading this will think I am a complete fruitcake and they would probably be right, cos I feel like one.

I did have my thyroid rechecked and it is really low which is probably why I feel so low. so embarrassed that I have poored my heart out about my past troubles on here. i have kept it hidden for so long, no one where I live would ever guess what has happened to me, I suppose the current depression has brought it all out. would like to point out that abusive grandfather died16 years ago and I have no contact with my father, who I believe is probably still an alcoholic.Its funny that just because my dad was a well off educated man with a high powered job he wasnt capable of child abuse, I vowed I would never pit my own kids through what I went through, I always wanted my children to feel that when they came home from school they came toa a house full of love where they felt safe, and thats always been the case. inever stop teeling them I love them, i used to dread my dad coming home from work because I never knew what to expect, now I feel I have let the children by becoming ill because things are different now and uncertain and they dont understand why I am sad all the time and scared. my 13 year old daughter is having to constantly reassure me when it should be the other way round.

Spacecadet, I am horrified and so upset by what you have had to endure. You are NOT a fruitcake - you have gone through things that the majority of us have never experienced, and I would be more surprised if you were not being affected now! Have you had counselling? It seems that things in your past can only stay buried for so long, which is maybe why it is only affecting you so badly now, and so I think you really need to get help to deal with all of this. I wish there was more I could say to help you, just feel so useless that I can't do more for you. You have been so brave to speak about what has happened. Please try to get some help, and keep speaking here - it does help. If you need someone to speak to, please CAT me. Hope you will be ok tonight. xx

Hi Spacecadet. Glad that your GP checked your thyroid properly rather than just increasing the thyroxine.

Sorry that you have had so many awful things in your life, and hope that you find a safe place here to pour things out. I hope that you felt a bit better getting all that off your chest. There's just no excuse or explanation for the way your parents treated you. Life can just be truly unfair to people. But just the fact that you are so worried about your kids now shows you that you are a so far away from being like that, and a fabulous person for thinking so seriously about your family's needs, rather than risking perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I am a bit concerned about the way your mum is talking to you atm; is she a good person for you to be talking to when you feel so low if she makes critical comments like that? Is there anyone in RL other than your husband that you can talk to all this about? Hopefully the CPN can help you in dealing with what's gone on in the past. I know it's awful that you don't have a supportive family (not your DH of course and kids_, but I think that (with the aid of a good counsellor and therapist) you can learn to deal better with it, in the sense of not turning the pain towards yourself. You have gone through such terrible expenses (the abuse and the stilbirth) that it would be trite to say that you could ever "get over it", but if you learn to value yourself better then that will help reduce your anxiety, and help you enjoy life more. Having abusive parents is not down to some fault in you, but down to some fault in the universe that this sort of thing can happen. Don't feel too guilty about lost months/your kids seeing you stressed - you need to look to the future. Your kids will see that you are a strong person, who is trying her best to get better. There is no shame in that.

I think with experiences like this you do need the help of a really good professional to help "put you back" together again, and I so hope that the CPN can be the one to do this for you. but of course please keep posting. I am sorry that I cannot say anything more helpful to you.

take care and hope you get a little more sleep tonight

Hi Depressedmum32

I have just read through this whole thread and feel that there are a number of problems which need addressing. Firstly I wonder whether you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and not PND. Your initial post suggests to me that a traumatic situation was the trigger for these feelings although they obviously have roots that run alot deeper.I think that this may be worth talking about with yor CPN as PTSS is treated with different medication to PND. I would also like to point out that this is a common misdiagnosis discussed by Sheila Kitzinger, i would post a link but do not know how, but if you are not familiar with her work you may find it of some use. I also think that it is very important that you are given a comprehensive care package by your CPN which includes more careful drug monitoring combined with counselling, it seems that the misdiagnosis of meds has contributed to your esculating anxiety and this certainly needs to be addressed in a more structured manner. These kind of tablets are really varied in their success rates and often it takes many different types/combinations to find the right one but this really must be done under medical supervision. I would love to suggest alternative therapies but wonder if these are right for you? maybe some form of hypnotherapy may be of use and from past experiences i would definately recommend. many alternative therapies can be succesful but obviously already being on medication you may be reluctant to try something less potent. many of the Bach Flower remedies are useful with feeling s of anxiety but i do get the impression that you are quite ill and need abit more??!! Try and take care of yourself, eat properly and yes exercise if possible it can make you feel more positive. Ireally hope your CPN can help, but if you are not satisfied then say and please get some counselling, drugs alone are not the answer.Wishing you lots of love and positive thoughts xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thankyou everyone for your lovely advice!I didnt sleep well last night but then I didnt expect to. dh is off work today which is nice. No I didnt have counselling for my babys death, but I did have therapy regarding my dreadful chilhood. i then put it behind me and thought that if I turned into supermum I could forget everything that happened. therefore, became chairperson of pre-school committee, ran an out of catchment bus service to the local secondary school, held down a job as a nurse.When I came out of hospital, I was in Tesco the next day, "look at me" I was thinking, I am such a perfect mother I am doing my shopping just 3 days after giving birth with all my children in tow inc new dd.I was so dtermined that I was not going to let myself slip in any way, that I carried on as normal, no I was not going to lounge around the sofa in my dressing gown like normal new mums, in the first few days, I was going to becleaning the house. T he midwife was always shocked when she came to find me dressed, with full make up on!No wonder I got a dreadful virus, it was my bodies way of begging me to slow down. Y es I am definately traumatized by my hospital stay, being told I had something life threatening was the most terrifying experience of my life.Especially when I was admitted to my place of work to the ward where I had witnessed people die of pulmonary embolisms after major surgery.Is definately this that I need to address with the cpn, this appt cant come soon enough. Tonight I am suppose to be taking ds1 to open evening at his prospective secondary school, the thought fills me with dread.

Would like to add that when my baby died it wasnt classed as a stillbirth but a miscarriage because the age of viability was 28 weeks in those days, so they took him away and I never even got to have a funeral.

Just a quick one as am running late as usual(!)

url for a useful website about distinction between PND and PTSD www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

(as the name indicates, it focuses on traumatic birth, rather than other traumatic experiences but you might find the comments about PTSD treatment useful).

i know that a previous poster has suggested hypnotherapy but I am concerned that would be too stressful for you in general as could trigger flashbacks.

will post more later

Sorry to hear of your sad past SC. I am out of my depth here but the thought that occurs to me is that you must remember that those events are in the past and your future lies ahead of you. Have you spoken to Titania on Mumsnet before? She has posted about very similar experiences as you only recently, and it might help you both to talk to each other.

I have actuall y posted Titania, in an attempt to advise her, a bit like the blind leading the blind really!!Do you get feel any better today lonelymum? Thanks for the link mts will check that out. ido have a sheila kitzinger childbirth book, at least I will until I sell it!! She does speak about ptsd and says that in her experience, drugs are not always a good idea but counselling. i suppose the way forward will be when I see the cpn next week.

Mine is a long term, day to day thing SC so in one way I don't feel better, but in another way I do because I am making plans to take my family to Paris for the New Year (just a day or two) even though we can't afford it. I just want to have something to look forward to, life is for the living, etc etc. It really lifts me to be doing something proactive.

You are doing the right thing lonelymum, looking to the future to something that will give you pleasure will in turn make you feel better.

Well today, I no longer feel as depressed as the Gp thinks the diazapam was making me down. however I have the head in a perspex box syndrome which is making me feel horrible , Gp says it could be coming off the diazapam so I have to give it a week, if it doeasnt get better, its anxiety, but I cant live my life like this its horrible , i am cal,ming myself down quite succesfully everytime I get panicky though, I do feel dizzy today.

When oh when will the box come off my head, i hope i wont feel like this for ever.

Sc

Hi. Good that the doctor has realised that the medication isn't correct, and sorry to hear about the symptoms you are experiencing. Once they get you onto a suitable tablet, things should start to settle down. My dad went onto Prozac, which for some people has been amazing, but it didn't suit him, and he was desperate, and it really messed him up.

Anyway it won't be for ever, it will take a while to climb back up, but you have a lot of courage, and you should be proud of yourself. Take care, I do feel for you, and wish I could do something to help