How much longer do I have to feel like this?

[Depressedmum32]

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

I had panic attacks with the first ad i was prescribed. When i changed to venlaflaxine things were much better and after a year on them i was able to stop taking them and the depression hasn't come back - over a year now! Big hugs anyone who is feeling that low.

Thanks its good to know that the end may be in sight!!!

Gonna curl up with wine and chocolate- all out at the rugby and I think I deserve it-had a crap week!!!!

Im so upset, i thought i was getting better but i seem to be getting worse, the panic has come back as have the unreal feelings, i feel likwe im in a waking nightmare with no way out

I emailed you with a big moan before I saw this SC.
Sorry you're feeling so crap, but you sound as if you've had some better days so maybe it's just an odd bad one, I think we are very up and down when we're getting over depression.My counsellor tells me to write off the bad days and just enjoy the good ones!! Not all that easy though is it?

{{{hug}}}

Hi SC, sorry you are having a tough morning. I know apart from being damn scary it must be such a disappointment when you are desperate to get better when things like that happen. even when you are getting better it's not an all or nothing thing - just that the bad days get less and less frequent. i think you having been doing an amazing job keeping going in such a difficult position; I do feel strongly that you have been left stranded without effective treatment. I hope that your CPN visit is useful to you. Pleurisy is a very tiring disease at the best of times; i have heard that it does take a while to feel 100% phyiscally even after the symptoms have stopped. problem is of course that getting lots of rest and a tiny baby tend to be mutually exclusive.

now i'm racking my brains to think of anything that could help with the panic symptoms; i can only think of the obvious stuff - trying to control breathing/breathing into a paper bag, lying down, essential oils, visualising yourself in a safe place.

Hope the cpn visit was helpful SC. Still waiting for the water people to fix my leak, hope they come soon as I'm in work at 12-30!

Arghh! The water people have just phoned to tell me they will be down this afternoon even though we told them that I was in work at 12-30 Grrrr

It's Monday morning SC. Doesn't that fact alone make you feel worse? It does me. Every Sunday evening, I sigh and think, "And so I face another week..." It seems to get harder and harder. I had a big talk with dh this morning as he didn't have to leave for work until later than usual. I'm not sure it got me anywhere, but at least I said how I was feeling.

Space Cadet - Sorry you're having such a horrible day. IME - bad days can feel so much worse when youve had a few better ones. Almost like you cant believe how bad it can be. Try and be as kind as possible to yourself and if at all possible try and write it off as a bad day rather than worrying that its the start of a down turn.
Hope tomorrow is much much better.
Kizziex

I am just writing off the last few days, saw cpn today im being referred to see a pschyciatrist and im being sent to anxiety management satrting this Friday, also they are picking me up and taking me to mums and babies AND I have to start the art therapy group. I am now on a new ad , an old style one( trycyclic) called dopiethin.

Just sending you a big {{{{hug}}}}!! Art therapy sounds really good- used to do a lot of painting B.C.( before children!) Take care.

Hope you're feeling better today SC and T!
Got a fun day ahead- seeing counsellor this morning, then going to a friends, mums funeral, then got a hep injection (for work), then I've got to take my 6yr old to rugby training while at the same time getting my 16 yr old to colledge for an open evening and getting back in time for a meeting at 8 ARGHHH!!!!!

Hi SC - glad you had a positive meeting with the CPN and that they are going to help you.
Hope today going a bit better.
Kizziex

oh god feel oput of it today!! must be the ads!! Slept better last night.

Just sending some more {{{hugs}}} they always help me so I hope they help you too!!

Hi SC - im on a low dose tricyclic now and they really knocked me out at first. Will wear off eventually.
Kizziex

Glad you're getting some sleep sc.

Well last night was probably the best nights sleep I had in ages still feel very tired and drowsy but its manageble, went to anxiety class yesterday and sat there blubbing because everything she said was sooo relevant to me.Told her how deeply depressed I was and she said people that suffer from panic disorder can become deeply depressed because the constant negative thinking causes you to become "inverted".I told her that I feel almost as if I have brain damage because my brain wont work properly and feels like its shrouded in cement, everything feels so scary and life doesnt always feel worth living.She said that these symptoms will lift to some extent once I can learn to deal witht the anxiety.She pointed out that she cant cure us..sigh!!..but she can give us the tools to help us to help ourselves..heres hoping..

Hi Spacecadet - just wondered how things are going - its a few days since you posted on this thread.
Kizziex

Im not cured yet! but thanks for asking kizzie, Over the last few days I ahve been kept busy with the verious support groups I have to go to! I felt great over the weekend but sadly could feel the dark clouds coming down on mon and all the panicky feelings coming back so am keeping busy to take my mind of things( thinking about xmas etc) and have taken to putting calssic fm on in my bedroom at night to relax.Sadly had no sleep last night as got my period and had to get up every hour in the night to change,

Hi spacecadet - glad you managed to get a bit of a lift at the weekend. im in a similar situation at the moment. had a better few days but then came down again. From past experience though the better day then becomes a better few days and then better few weeks - rather than suddenly just feeling better. Hope things keep going in right direction!!
Kizziex

I hope so kizzie, Today i went to the gym in a desperate attempt to lift my mood but it didnt work, I just felt desperately sad instead, I also feel v tired and groggy today...sigh...

hhmm, wots going on? is my ill brain playing tricks on me?today I found myself crying because I wished I was pregnant again!!! eeekk!! I have 4 kids, pnd and dd of 17 weeks , this cant be normal, is it part of the depression?

went to bed crying last night, didnt think I could get much lower, seriously considering whether there is any point in going on.