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Original poster

How much longer do I have to feel like this?

365 replies

Depressedmum32 · 14/10/2004 10:29

Can some one give some advice please, I just recently gave birth to my 4th baby and for the rist month I felt fantastic and was flying round doing everything. Iwas so wired that one night I was cleaning my windows at 5am after feeding ds!!!Then I started to feel ill, like I had the flu, kept feelomg dizzy and this went on for couple of weeks before I collapsed with chest pain and was rushed to hospital. Was told I had a blood clot on my ling and spent the whole weekend feeling hysterical, had to stop breastfeeding as I was on blood thinners. Cried cos I missed my children so much and thought I was going to die. Then they told me I had no blood clot just pleurisy and sent me home. I first felt relieved to be home and with children but after a couple of days I started to have Panic attacks for no reason, I was just suddenly get this rush of fear and feel terrified. Then I started waking up in the night with my heart racing hystarical with fear, so eventually I was on;y getting 1 hours sleep a night. During the day I was sitting around thinking of all the things I could drop dead from and then 2 weeks ago I suddenly felt wierd, A sense of unreality which terrified me even more. Kept going to the docs where they diagnosed pnd and prescribed ad's. Referred to cpn but no appt till oct 26th. Refused to take the ad's as I was so scared of all the possible awful side effects and convinced myself I just needed to sleep.Dh took a few days off work and I did feel a bit better after getting some rest in the day, but sleep at night. non existant. When I did go to sleep, I kept having awful dreams and waking up. Hv came on monday and said I had to take the cipralex just to lift me enough to the things that would make me feel better.Started on 5mg as Isuffer from panic and immediately the panic became worse, so the second night could only get to sleep with the aid of sleeping tabs. I am now day 4 and I feel wrethched, nauseas and panicky, still feel dazed as though I am not really here and that frightens me. Didnt feel depressed until I started to feel wierd, its the wierdness the t depresses me, is this normal pnd? I just want to feel human again.

OP posts:
Spacecadet · 28/10/2004 22:45

I have cat you mumwithnoname, I do not feel good today, went to gp cant even really be bothered to write down what happened, dont really feel any further forward.Dh has threatened to leave me.

Spacecadet · 28/10/2004 22:52

dh now going to bed, never asks how i am or anything, when i spoke to him about it earlier he just said..u need pills u do. so caring.

marthamoo · 28/10/2004 22:52

Try and get some sleep, spacecadet xxx

mumwithnoname · 28/10/2004 22:55

don't know what to say. your dh makes me cross! Can't think streight at the moment -just drunk bottle of wine!

miam · 28/10/2004 23:24

SC - cat me if you want to. Worried about you. xxx

MummyToSteven · 28/10/2004 23:32

oh dear so cross with your DH. yes, you would probably benefit from medication; but you have done your best to seek help from HVs, GPs, CPN etc, and they have not really come up with the goods thus far. I think you have to push for an urgent appointment with a psychiatrist, given that your GP is so unwilling to prescribe medication. Your DH has to appreciate that you aren't having any more fun than he is atm, and that life is bloody scary for you atm.

from my experience what will help matters enormously in your relationship is if you don't nag DH about whether he has washed his hands etc before doing stuff around the house/with dd, and try to seek as little reassurance from him about OCD type worries as possible. I know its bloody tough, but as well as helping your relationship it is part of the road to recovery as well; first stage is watching your DH do stuff without washing his hands, being petrified, but holding your tongue and suffering in silence, second stage is being Ok with DH doing it without handwashing, but not being ready to do that yourself yet, then final stage is when you feel okay doing stuff without washing your hands. once things start getting better, you will just improve and improve; it's getting past that stage in the first place that matters.

what my CBT therapist said to me was to accept that things wouldn't be a bed of roses in my relationship when things were bad with OCD, but just to concentrate on getting myself right, and then sort things out after that.

suedonim · 29/10/2004 01:07

Spacecadet, have you been in touch with the charity Association For PostNatal Illness? They offer support via volunteers who've recovered from PNI (which might tide you over until Monday) and also some of their dh's will offer support to the dh's of women who are currently suffering. Thinking of you.

nightowl · 29/10/2004 01:24

spacecadet, forgive me for only skimming through your thread so i dont know exactly what has gone on but im usually up late so if you ever cant sleep and want to talk on msn then feel free. i think there is something wrong with my CAT (ive been told its refusing people and i dont know how to change it) but if you ask essbee she can give you my addy...im not always too good with words but i can listen if thats what you need xx

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 08:53

Oh god I am so tired, didnt sleep a wink last night and it is making me feel 10 times worse, I do not function well if I hace not slept, will have to try going to be d earlier again and all the other methods, bath etc.I feel this weeks been wprse because its half term( kids been argueing, refusing to do as they are told etc)not talking to dh at the moment I cant think of anything sensible to say

Titania · 29/10/2004 09:08

honey......i feel the same today. have tried to CAT you but your profile is set not to recieve CATs. I am supposed to be seeing the MIL today and I really don't want to....we should sit here together with lots of chocolate and wine/coffee!!! PLEASE CAT me hon....i want to help you like you have helped me.......

mumwithnoname · 29/10/2004 09:44

Hi, T and SC,
Thinking of you both, can't think of anything to say-head a bit fuzzy this morning (can't think why!!!)

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 10:03

Dont know why my profile wont let anyone cat me...arrrgghhhh!!!!

PuffTheMagicDragon · 29/10/2004 10:10

Not being able to sleep on top of everything else is rotten.

Don't know if you still have any sleeping tablets left, but if it were me, I'd be inclined to take one tonight.

wobblyknicks · 29/10/2004 10:15

spacecadet - seeing as I have your email addy, if you can't CAT, anyone who wants to get in touch with you can email me (I put my addy further down) and I'll pass the addresses on - if that's any good?

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 17:03

yes that would be fine wobblynicks

Titania · 29/10/2004 17:18

how are you now sc???

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 19:10

I have had a dreadful day didnt start to badly then I decided I would brave baby massage class with dd.I felt quite panicky when I was there and I was glad to come home but when I got home all hell broke loose.dd1 aged 13 was still in bed at 3.30pm!washing up in sink, mess everywhere, she had been up but had gone back to bed.Well I lost it with her we had a screaming row which resulted in her having ago at me because she didnt get as long as she would have liked on msn cos I was on there!I yelled that it was my bloody computer and she was always on it and she said she hated me and that I was A crap mum, then she ran out of the house,I thrtew the cordless phone across the room and it smashed to pieces.DS1 was howling, ds2 was screaming and then dd2 started screaming.DS1 shouted at me for scaring dd2 and ds2 and I just sank to the floor in a sobbing heap, which is where dh found me when he got in from work.dd says she wants to move out and has phoned her paternal grandmother and told her everything.ds1 and ds2 keeping out of my way and dd2 has gone to sleep.I feel so worthless and ashamed, i am a bad mother if i am frightening my children , i dont want to be me any more.

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 19:12

Sad Sad

MummyToSteven · 29/10/2004 19:15

sorry you had such a rotten afternoon, sc. you are not a crap mum. you are ill, and are not getting the right treatment at the moment. hopefully things will be better next week after half-term with less children underfoot. the positive side of DH's mum knowing what's going on, is that he has someone to moan to, which (cross fingers) will give him more energy to be more considerate to you. do you have the sort of relationship with MIL where she could be of any practical help to you atm?

Spacecadet · 29/10/2004 19:23

Sorry forgot to add that she is my ex mil as dd1 and ds2 are by a previous marriage, sadly dh mum died when he was a baby so I dont have a mil

Lonelymum · 29/10/2004 19:43

Titania and Space Cadet!! You are still here!! I have just been away for a couple of days and when I last was here you had both said you weren't going to post anymore. I am SO glad you have come back. SC: I have just sent you an email. It might not make much sense, but it came from the heart.
I really need to read all the posts since Tuesday to catch up but I have a stinking cold and have promised myself an early night. Just wanted to say Helloooooo to T and SC. I'll slope off now

mumwithnoname · 29/10/2004 22:32

Sorry to hijack. Tried to write twice and couldn't. Feeling really really crap. Been uop and down for a few weeks. tend to txt a couple of friends alot when i'm down. they've both turned their phones off on me. Feel like i must be the worst friend in the world. don' think i can ever face them again. thought they cared but i've driven them away. can't cope without them.

Spacecadet · 30/10/2004 01:00

sorry to hear that mumwithnoname, they may well have just forgotten to turn their phones on or something, you just feel bad because you are down today, I am sure you are not thr worst friend in the world.

sykes · 30/10/2004 01:07

Just popping in, SC, to say hello, hope ypu're okay.

colinsmommy · 30/10/2004 01:08

Me too, SC. Just caught up with this thread.