Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

[soakedonsplash]

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

If it is at all affordable I would find a private therapist or counsellor. Even just so you have someone to talk to. I'm in a very similar situation so really feel for you. Mental health services are cut to the bone and it's awful that we have to wait so long. I've been waiting for over a year now and had to find someone privately for support while waiting.

I’ve been where you are, searching for help

How long have you been off work ? As you say another gp kept you there with him

He should of really sent you to a&e to get assessed my mh services at the hospital
Not kept you at practice
If they thought you were bad, you would of either been kept in or given an appointment for mh services earliest appointment with 48 hrs, in my area this is usually in the hospital.

There are lots of ad’s you could try, don’t be out of by one. You will get se with whatever you take but you could ask for diazepam to help you at beginning to take edge off.

You do sound depressed, so I’d either if really bad suicidal go a&e ( probably quickest route in mh services) or defo go back to gp.

Keep posting for guidance or support

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

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Thanks both for replies.

I was signed off for 3 weeks before christmas - went back for the last week of term as I was just feeling ridiculously guilty being at home, and if anything the feelings were just getting worse - thought ultimately sitting at home by myself for most of the day thinking of the best way to kill myself wasn't a good idea.

I went back for the last week - and then was in work for the first week of term (last week). Really struggled to cope - had to run out of a couple of classes because I started having a panic attack - was regularly freezing in front of classes because my brain just stopped working and have just generally lost all confidence in myself to teach. End of last week I basically stopped eating because I was just so stressed and exhausted. Saw GP last night and told him this - as well as a few stories about kids being unpleasant/ taunting me because I was clearly not well and he has signed me off again.

I have seen the same GP the whole time - been seeing him roughly twice a week since the end of November. I have an assessment with the mental health liaison service in my area on Monday - but they were very dismissive when I spoke with them on the phone a few weeks ago so I'm not confident they will be able to help. They were asking me to explain what I was finding difficult, but anytime I brought up feeling suicidal they just immediately changed the subject like they didn't want to know.

Not the best aged kids for support ! Kids are so mean.
I understand what you’re saying being at home all day, gives you time to think
But then again you can’t manage work!
Anxiety/depression is the pits it’s strips away your confidence and can make you a shell of a person you was were.
It takes a lot of strength and courage to get through, but with the right meds and the right mh intervention (though on there knees)

Regards the mh assessment, your going to have to speak up for yourself and be focused and determined you need help, and be it on there back if anything happens to you because you have told them you are suicidal. You have to be straight/strong and take no shit from them, your really poorly and deserve some help.
Don’t stand for NO.

When I was poorly like you, when I finally got my 1st appointment with psychiatrist
She wasn’t even there, the receptionist told me she’d gone over to hospital to see patient.
I’m not usually one for speaking up(but have learnt over the years) I said I’m waiting for her to come back and not moving. I’d been waiting months for this appointment and so poorly even with the secondary mh team involved by then.
She came back, said she could see me 10mins ( in my head I thought oh no you won’t you’ll listen to me) and she did.
Gave me appointment for the following week
I was 52 then, she was about 28 I asked how she’d feel if her mum got treated like this.

Be polite but forceful with what help you need.
The will ask you what plans you made for suicide, and may say well your still here
So your managing ok.
They know there overstretch and have to be selective, so you make sure your selected😀

I’ve suffered mh since being 23 I’m now 62
With anxiety and depression. I’d say more anxiety, only went into depression because it lasted that long before it settled
I’m exactly like you, the first thing to go with me was appetite I literally gagged at the smell of food. I lost about 1.5st
I couldn’t sleep my mind was in constant rumination for weeks. Go gave me zopiclone for 2 weeks so I could get some needed rest
And a med to stop me feeling nauseous

Take care

Op sorry things are tough right now. It sounds like you have been left without support and piecing together your own plan.

I am incredibly surprised there isn't some kind of support for teachers? Where I work we have an Employee Assistance Programme and I saw a counsellor in two weeks, kind of fast tracked.

When you get into the depression 'slide' it's hard to get out of as you lose motivation to do the things you know will help. Also the winter months are often harder and some people do need more sleep. Are you taking Vitamin D?

Some people take beta blockers to help with anxiety. What about a more gradual phased return?

Just thought of something

Don’t know your age?
But do you think it could be hormones, they play a really massive impact
Have you had your bloods done
Thyroid
B12
Zinc

Have you any problems regards pms after starting your periods as a teenager or had any previous problems with depression, mood anxiety.
As it maybe hormone imbalance

Get bloods done anyway

Thanks to everyone for replying - it has made this evening feel a bit more manageable. Trying to make sure I respond to everything...

@howdoesthisworkagain There is a counselling service I am able to access through work - I had an assessment with them and they said I was too 'complex' for them as they are only meant to be a short term service. I was on quite an extensive phased return that was going to last around six weeks - I was teaching less than half my usual timetable and none of my "difficult" classes but it was still just so hard. It has only made me feel more guilty about being signed off again though as I know work were trying to be supportive.

@granadagirl I am 25 now. I have felt similar to this previously when I was 16/17 and when I was around 20. I had bloods done when I was a teenager and nothing came up then...

I was taking diazepam daily - this was incredible for my mood and helped me get out and about with DH doing the sort of stuff we normally enjoy. Unfortunately that's now stopped having any effect on me and my GP doesn't want to prescribe anymore/ up the dose as I was already growing quite dependent on it

Soak
You need up to date bloods doing again, the ages you mentioned are classic for hormone imbalance

Have a read on menopause matters site
Especially as your so young, it will give you an insight into how hormones have massive
Impact on our wellbeing
I’m not taking just about old menopausal women.
I’m sure mine are f... up as I was 23 when my started
Gp’s never think of hormones it’s always
antidepressants first.

Unless as a child something bad happened traumatic then yer it’s probably not hormones.

Do you take vitamin D op?

The nhs recommends everyone takes it between oct and march. High strength is the one you want.

I am seeing my GP again on Tuesday so I will try and bring up having a blood test done again. I did mention hormones early on when I saw him but he didn't talk much more about it...

I have had a strange couple of days. Had a really positive conversation with a friend from work yesterday - seemed to finally be coming to some sort of acceptance that I am ill, and that that means things can get better. Managed to get up and dressed in the morning yesterday and ate 3 meals - something I've not managed in a long time. Even went out for a couple of hours with DH today, but now I just feel so exhausted and burnt out. Just feel sad but can't think why - I know I should probably get up and try and do something but just not interested. Feel like I was starting to make some progress but it was all just a lie and now I've taken a big step backwards.

Are you under the care of the crisis team?
I think you should be - they do an initial assessment and make a treatment plan / decision on your needs. They can keep tabs on and help daily or more often those with suicidal ideation and plans.
GP can refer you ( surprised he / she hasn't) and if you go to AE in crisis they will call down the crisis team fir you. They can then liaise with others eg a psychiatrist in clinic etc and make a plan.

My GP has referred me to the liason service in my area - you have to go through them, they do an assessment and then decide whether to pass you on to the community team (and I guess the crisis team?).

It has been slow going with them though - I had a phone assessment on the 6th which was deeply unhelpful - anytime I brought up feeling suicidal they changed the subject straight away and only suggested things my GP advised in my first appointment with him two months ago that we have already tried.

They passed me on to a face to face assessment which I have on Monday - but I'm not very hopeful about it.

Your depressed soak, i think your expecting to much of yourself. This depression didn’t just come on overnight, it’s be coming on longer than you think.
The stress of everything you’ve done as had it’s toll on you.
What you have is typical depression, and Not to be taken lightly.
It’s an horrible illness that sucks the life out of you.
Please don’t think it’s going to be a quick fix.
It definitely isn’t

Accept your very poorly, get as much rest as you can, eat when you can manage it
If only a piece of toast, banana cereal soup
Small and often.
If you don’t feel up to anything at the moment DONT do it. You are mentally exhausted.

It will take time, patience 😀
You will get better, but it will take time.
Do what you can, when you can and don’t put pressure on yourself as that will not help.
I’ve been through depression many times over the last 40 yrs, so I’d say but of experience.

Do you have any anxiety with it?

I’d really push for full bloods to be done when you see gp next.
Thyroid
B12
Zinc
Vit D
Iron
Hormones (as your only 25)
I think you gp is being irresponsible for just leaving it to mh team, he also should be asking you what you want to do/try next

Mental health is on its knees, so you have to speak up for yourself as there not just going to give you an assessment, you need to fight your corner. If you don’t you will just be left to deal with it yourself.
It’s not something that just puts its self right again in xxx amount of weeks, it takes months especially if you have suicidal thoughts with it, it’s not a case of just feeling down it’s much worse as I’m sure you know.
Also don’t put to much thinking into counselling is going to make the depression go away, it may not.

Try to explain to your hubby how your feeling but not when he’s just come home from work
Tell him you have no control how your feeling
It’s like the life as been sucked out of you
If you say something nasty you don’t mean it
It’s the illness.

Just had my mental health assessment.

She said she couldn't formally diagnose but thought I had 'emotionally unstable personality disorder'. Sounds so horrible and the more I read about it the worse it sounds. Feels like there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I will never be able to recover from, and that this will be hanging over me for the rest of my life.

DH and I have talked for so long about wanting to have kids - I feel like there's no way I will ever be able to do that now as I'm just fucked up for life. I feel now more than ever that my only option is to end things - I'm never going to be the person I want to be, and I am just dragging other people down by being here.

Awh soak I realise you must be very upset with the outcome.
Was she a psychiatrist?
If you’ve not had all the test for this diagnosis then how did she come to it?
So what’s the next step then that they are going to do for you?

I wouldn’t take just one persons diagnoses
Could you afford a private consultation?

When is it diagnosed?
You might be given a diagnosis of BPD if you experience at least five of the following things, and they've lasted for a long time or have a big impact on your daily life:

You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.
You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
You feel empty a lot of the time.
You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.

Op you understand your reaction is extreme and likely a symptom, right? It's not real or right?

Getting a diagnosis is good. Because if that's what it is then help is available that can enable you to manage this.

No one would be better off without you, all I can say is try to see through your reactions and look at them logically, that they are symptoms of whatever you are suffering from, like a hallucination and that help is available, you're clearly very intelligent so I'm sure you can logically look at this too, 💐

This is the problem. The more I read about this the more I feel that it really doesn't fit me. DH has been reading about it too and can see why they would say it, as a lot of the symptoms fit how I am feeling/behaving now but don't reflect what I am 'normally' like, so he also says doesn't really seem to fit.

And that's the problem! Disagreeing with the diagnosis is a symptom - so how am I ever meant to get out of this cycle now?? Everything I can possible say turns into a symptom - I feel like this is just taking me further from the help I need.

The person I spoke to was just a nurse and said they can't make a formal diagnosis - but this is what they think it is and that is how they are going to form their plan going forward. Not that there seems to be much of a plan - just still stuck on the 5 month waiting list for talking therapy. I am seeing my GP tomorrow and I am really hoping he can see that this doesn't fit me too so I can at least have one person on my side.

Hey and that’s if your lucky 5 mths !

It’s the depression that’s making your thinking all over the place and getting it out of proportion.
Do you suffer anxiety as well op??
You need a psych assessment, not a bloody mh nurse!!

Is it the same in your area, you have to go through primary care mh in my area it’s called healthyminds. They only do cbt, counselling. Then the max you can get is 12 weeks,

If this is really bothering you this diagnosis
Once again, could you afford a private psych diagnosis £200-£300. Might put your mind at rest. Are you on any meds?
So what was there plan ? Or do you have to wait till they discuss your case?

How did you go on at the gp soak
Any help ?

GP appointment was good - but to be honest what happened yesterday has really knocked me so I have still not had a very good day.

My GP was really not happy about what happened - he said I clearly don't have EUPD or whatever name you want to give it and could see how someone giving me this label had really bothered me. He basically said to stuff them!

I did say that I had been feeling a bit better over the weekend before the appointment, we talked about where this might have come from, and I said I was finding not being in work really helpful, and I hadn't had the same guilt about being off work as I'd had before christmas as trying to go back in really showed me that I just can't be at work right now. I was feeling dangerously suicidal every day, kept completely freezing whilst I was teaching and had to run out of lessons several times because I started having a panic attack. So - work is really not a good place for me right now.

Doing anything is really overwhelming and exhausting for me right now, but not having work or anything to deal with has given me some space to try and do some of the things I normally enjoy doing. Still not getting much enjoyment out of them but it helps the day to pass faster and distracts me a bit from the negative thoughts. GP said he was really sorry about what the mental health team had said, that it wasn't what he expected to happen at all, and to just try and ignore them and carry on trying to do the sorts of things I like doing at home. He's signed me off until the end of next week when I'll see him again. We'd been talking for 25 minutes at this point and I completely forgot to bring up bloods!

The mental health nurse said he wanted to speak to the psychiatrist to discuss my case and she would ring me back when they have a plan. She said it would be today but I've not heard anything.

Awh glad your feeling very slightly better about what gp said to you.

The not being at work will give you breathing space, don’t feel guilty and rush back your health is more important the a bunch of cheeky little s...
who have no empathy or care
Do it when you feel your ready and can cope better

What year do you teach?
Very brave being a secondary school teacher

Keep at trying to try the things your enjoy doing even for just 30 mins
Try to go for a walk (not really the weather, but put coat hat scarf on) just 20 mins round the block
Reading
Bit tv box set
Do you like swimming, just somewhere to go for 30
Doesn’t really matter as long as your trying to engage in something again.

Do your parents live near, perhaps go there for 30 mins/ hour.

If you don’t agree with the next step mh suggests, you can always say I’ll think about it and get back to you I’m not too good today.

Get plenty of rest when you can, eat and don’t forget to drink. X

Can I ask about your childhood? I know you’re only 25 but what kind of life have you led til now? Family, siblings etc? Don’t answer if you don’t want to. Or pm me.

Great support from your GP !