Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

[soakedonsplash]

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

OP, I've been following this and I wanted to see if I could help at all. I've been where you are and it is awful. When the GP rings can you ask why medication has been ruled out and whether that can be reviewed? Even if you are overthinking situations or whatever they said, surely that is cause in itself for treatment?
For years I couldn't think how any form of therapy would help. However, one session with someone who understood my particular condition was life changing and has helped me stick at something I didn't think i would manage. I can't recommend strongly enough that you pursue this. The thoughts of low self worth are the thoughts that a therapist can talk to you about, not the reason not to go in the first place.
Keep going, you're doing well. Washing, eating, all of that is a huge achievement each day. Try and do the things that help, little by little your brain will start to heal and you won't feel as bad today as you did yesterday. It sounds trite but I do think that it is true. xx

When you said you’ve been poorly 2 other times, how did you turn it round then and get yourself well again?
To do the job you do, wow so so brave
You should be well proud of yourself to achieve that.

You are doing really well keeping yourself self, you may not think so but you are.
Your on your own M-F till hubby comes own, that’s a long day, and your doing it.

When the GP rings today( I hope he still does
Please mention how you were when you got home, it will let him know that your not just like that when you see him.
Some medications are for helping with intrusive thoughts?

Try not to be hard on yourself,
I know you say you believe the things that your thinking/know, but perhaps a therapist might be able to put something to you
that makes you think of it in another way ?
So not so black/white thinking

Do you get on with any of your siblings (sisters)
Do any of them live near? Perhaps come round for coffee/chat if they don’t work

Your next move(house)
Try not to go to far out from amenities, that way you can walk without having to rely on the car. Even when your back at work.

Been really struggling again today. GP rang, didn't have much to say - said he'd called counselling people and was waiting for someone higher up to ring him back, but from what the first person said it didn't seem likely anything was going to happen with them anytime soon. I told him what had happened on Tuesday - I said I was struggling with an uncontrollable urge to do it again. I said I was trying to do all the things he'd said, he said maybe we should think about trying some different medication or going private for counselling, I said I was trying, I was trying to fight it but it's just so hard and I don't know how much longer I could fight it for. He mentioned crisis team again and said that it was actually the same number, they just forward you on. Can't remember how it ended - plan is he'll call me when he's heard back from the counselling people. He said he was going to ask their advice what to do.

I called the crisis team - first time I tried to ring they hung up on me, second time they answered and then I got left on hold for like ten minutes... They have talked me into taking a diazepam, I really don't have very many left now.

I don't know, I feel like I am screaming out for someone to help me and I'm just getting nothing. It's like I am not being taken seriously because I've not managed to actually hurt myself - either because my husband has stopped me or because I am trying so hard to fight it. Honestly right now it just feels like a matter of time, I can't keep doing this forever.

You just have to keep doing it right now.
Can you get more diazepam if you need it?

for the time being you have to carry on, diazepam when you can’t manage
Ask gp for repeat, as this is the only thing that’s helping you at the moment you feel. It’s getting overwhelming for you

Because mh is on its knees, your basically just another number
That’s why I presented myself at a&e in order to get help and assessment, they didn’t keep me in. I got appt for next day at mh team up at the hospital.
Try that, only way in the system, unless it’s for cbt, counselling and then 6-12 mth wait
Then may only be 6 depending
You can ring crisis team at the hospital, at mine it’s called Raid Team
Or maybe now called Liason Mental Health
24/7

Get some more diazepam. I just recently managed to get over mini crisis with the help of diazepam.

As pp said it's better to present yourselves in hospital and talk to them face to face. They have on call psychiatrist there too.

I suspected it would be something very much like you've described with your family. All absolutely makes sense with why you feel this way.

I'm not saying they are bad people or didn't think they were doing the right things when you a child. But it has left you with a legacy of feeling you're worthless in yourself. Despite all the evidence to the contrary. It must be so painful for you.

Please devote as much time as you can to reading up about this kind of thing. Try the "We Took You To Stately Homes" thread for a start.

The fact that the gp rang you, when he said he would, promising to keep you updated, is evidence that he is invested in your recovery and doesn't wish you'd just go ahead.

Is there a Mind sanctuary near you? Mind is a mental illness charity that provide free counsellors. You can usually access a sanctuary through the NHS crisis line. If you can’t drive there or get a lift some will even authorise a taxi to pick you up. It’s a cup of tea and a chat with a counsellor.
I used it a lot while on the wait list for the CMHT when I started going psychotic (eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia).

Even though mental illness can be chronic and lifelong, you will have years and years where it goes into a remission. Especially if they get the medication right and you get a good psychologist with the right therapy. Don’t feel your life is over. Your career is not ruined. Many many people do two or three careers...starting new ones when in their 50s! You can take a break for your health for years and still have decades of career ahead of you.

And don’t let anyone tell you not to have children. I have four and while they have some special needs for different things they are all happy and loving being alive. You can be a good mother with any chronic health condition whether that is physical or mental.

I've had a shower and put on some clean clothes - taken until past 5pm but I am trying to be positive. The diazepam has really taken the edge off - I'll try and ask my GP for some more but he might be reluctant as previously I was starting to be quite irresponsible with it.

I don't know if going to A&E will get me anywhere - surely the first thing they would do is look at my notes where CMHT have said I don't need any support from them? Ultimately I know that my GP cares and is really trying to do his best by me - the amount of time he has given me shows that. I know there has to be a professional boundary, but it's still quite off putting to be met with what seems like such indifference about whether I live or die. He was trying to arrange our next appointment on Tuesday, and I said don't bother because I don't think I'll still be around, and he was just like, well I'll book it anyway and we'll see.

@twillow I will look at thread thank you - the title alone resonates with me deeply!

@plan Just looked at mind sanctuary - there is one near me but it's only open in the evenings, I'm normally ok then as DH is home. It's during the day that I am really unsafe at the moment. The crisis team and suicide helpline I called earlier were both trying to explore ways I could be around other people during the day at the moment but we didn't come up with anything.

Oh yes, it is evenings to quite late at night they run the sanctuaries.
Mind does have an online forum called Elefriends but it’s really more like mumsnet. Online support from other sufferers. Not good in a crisis but it might be a way to distract in day time if you are at a loose end.

I hope they find you some kind of day centre for you to go to. Maybe an adult learning or therapy thing with crafts or art... can be good to just put the negative part of the mind to the back and concentrate on creating something.

Great job btw with showering and putting on clean clothes. It can feel like being reborn sometimes. Your GP sounds wonderful. Like he’s really doing his best to help you.

I think the GP must be going above and beyond. Is it a regular GP partner or trainee?
Make sure to try Ito comply with his suggestions as best you can. If he says appt just say yes.

Hi OP.

There's a v good website that my CBT therapist referred me to with some literature to read through - it's called getselfhelp

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/depression.htm

I understand though that it can be hard to read this stuff and think it will help when you're in a very very dark place, but it's definitely worth a go. There is a method called STOPP which you can practice to disrupt a spiral.

Another thing I've found extremely helpful is self compassion. Beating yourself up and telling yourself you'll feel like this forever and you're letting work down etc etc just makes everything a billion times worse, this is a great website with self compassion practices.

self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

You CAN get through this, you are WORTH getting better, you are meant to be on this planet.

Xxx

The crisis team will be overloaded. It's good they helped you decide to take a tablet.

Your update sounds like you've done pretty well today.

Had a bit of a better day today - been more able to do some things to distract myself and the thoughts of hurting myself have been much less intense. Also gotten dressed - by 3 today, trying to see this as progress.

Possibly TMI: my period started today, that's the only real difference I can think of. I was a complete mess last night after the diazepam had worn off. I guess that ties in with what people have been saying previously about hormones so I will definitely mention it to my GP when he rings on Monday.

As far as I'm aware he's just a normal GP?? I'd guess he's around mid 40s, so probably not training? He seems to be very popular though - it's pretty much impossible to make an appointment with him myself. I'm lucky that he always books one for me. He is an absolute saint the way he puts up with me though. I have said some pretty unpleasant things at times when I have been mid-panic attack, and I doubt he's used to having to put in so much effort to convince someone to take time off work! Every appointment I argue with him that he shouldn't be giving me a sick note, I'm sure it's usually the other way around!

Thanks for sending stuff - I am trying to look at everything, and the stuff the doctor has suggested.

Getting dressed IS progress. Glad you’re having a bit of a better day.

How have you been over the weekend OP?

Still not great but not been in as dark a place as I was last week. Went out on saturday with DH to eat some lunch and then do a food shop - managed okay but then had to go and lie down for a couple of hours when I got home as I was just feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted.

I just hate all of this. I wish I could go back in time to when I first spoke to someone at work about how I was feeling and stop myself - everything has just gotten so much worse since then. All I want is to just be able to go back into work tomorrow and have everything be normal, but now that can never happen again. Person I spoke to made me go to the GP, GP made me take time off work and now everyone knows how pathetic I am. I just want it all to stop now.

Sorry, I know it's not what everyone wants to here. Everyone IRL has stopped talking to me now as they are fed up of me always being so negative and just not getting any better. Feels like this is the only place I can be honest.

I imagine that your friends in real life just don't know what to say or how to help. Once you are in a better place you can rebuild those relationships and develop your support network hopefully.
It really comes through when you write that you feel enormous guilt and a sense of failure from having had to take so much time off from your current job. From someone who has had 20+ jobs and employers (now in my 50s with a few career changes and lots of working abroad behind me) all I can stress is that in the course of a lifetime one job/one employer really isn't a big deal. You will work for other employers in your lifetime and have fresh starts. That's the beauty of life, endless fresh starts!
If I were you I would draw a line under this school and concentrate on yourself. To not have this burden of guilt now and fear about what colleagues and students will be thinking on your return will aid your recovery. But I'm not an expert, so hopefully someone who has been signed off from a stressful job (hopefully teaching) will be along soon.
Keep looking at the websites the GP gave you OP and any downloads/resources other PPs have recommended. I hope you feel better today.

You can be as honest as you like! I admitted to my GP how I felt and was signed off. I crashed. But I needed to. To stop and have time and recover.

How are you doing @soakedonsplash ?

Thinking of you @op ♥️

Sorry, not posted in ages. Been feeling a lot of pressure to just be better. I feel like everyone (me included) is fed up of me feeling like this now, including doctor. Last appointment I had was awful. He told me I needed to try and get out more. Just not that simple - I wish I could just go about and live my normal life but I can't. Went out with some people from work yesterday - had a panic attack sunday night and monday morning thinking about it, felt super uncomfortable the whole time I was out and then have been a complete mess at home since. Was meant to be having a day out with DH today (half term so he is at home too), but said this morning I couldn't do it. Changed to just going to the cinema this evening, again just had complete panic as it got closer and we've ended up not going. Meant to be seeing friends tomorrow evening but already I am stressing and just really want to go.

Been feeling really low and bleak again. Just feels like nobody wants to help me, or I don't deserve help, or everyone thinks I don't need help and should just be able to cope by myself. I guess I think I shouldn't need anybody's elses help either, but I just can't keep going like this by myself. Don't know what I want by posting, again I just feel like this is the only place I can be honest. Need to pretend to be okay with everyone else as if I tell the truth they either just get really fed up with me or act like I'm making it all up for attention.

I did start seeing a private counsellor last week, but again just felt really uncomfortable the whole time. I am due to see them again tomorrow, but really don't want to go.

IME only people who have gone through it themselves can really understand. If they ask how you are apparently one is supposed to say "Fine", they are uncomfortable if you actually say how you're feeling. I have been hospitalised a few times, literally nobody has ever asked how it was for me in there.

I was pretty bad myself - didn't want to shower and just sat compulsively googling things. It took a while, and a fair bit of medication, but I am now recovered. Don't lose hope.

It's depressing being depressed And planning things but changing your mind can make you feel that you are pissing off people who are trying to helpful.

I accidentally transposed the last two paragraphs.

How about getting a hula hoop, or exercise bike, or something you can use inside, when you don't feel like going outside?
You sound very anxious, I would ask your GP about Propanalol for aniexty, it works really well, and is not addictive. I hope things improve.