Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

[soakedonsplash]

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

How has your day been, @soakedonsplash? Was it your doctor's appointment today?

I don't think that's a good thing to say to the GP. Focus on the help you need and asked if there is anything else open to him as a referral.

Been in a bad place all day. Was a complete mess in the GP appointment - have a full blown panic attack again and was with him for 45 minutes. I can't remember everything that was said - but I told him I was feeling very suicidal. Told him I didn't feel safe and that I really felt like I was just going to go home and do it. He then got DH to come in but didn't really tell him what I'd said. He said he was going to call the counselling people on Thursday and see if there was any way I could jump the waiting list, and that he would ring me afterwards. I said not to bother. He said, well I'll call anyway and we'll see, and then just kinda got me to leave.

Came home fully intending to do something, was very close to actually doing it but DH stopped me. I have calmed down now, but I really just don't know what to think.

Awh I just feel so furious on your behalf, I know you like your gp but he sounds hopeless.
If that had been mine, she’d have told me to go straight to a&e there and then and given me a letter.
He’s putting all his faith in counselling, somebody talking to you down a phone line is not going to stop you having suicidal thoughts. They may be able to calm you down.
Why Thursday? Is he not in tomorrow?
Did he actually ring you later tonight?
If he didn’t, then that just shows he’s taking you to lightly in what your telling him!!!

What did you hubby says when he caught you? Why didn’t he ring for an ambulance or take you to a&e
You really need help

Go to AE fir a reassessment

OP I'm so sorry. You are in a really dark place.

I echo other posters - you need to present at a&e and I feel you need in-patient psychiatric treatment.

Based on what you've said (and I know we might not be getting all the details, not blaming you at all, but in your distress you may be giving your version of what was said, and not actually all the full info) the talk of counselling etc is really not going to cut it.

You need proper psychiatric treatment, to stop this horrendous cycle of despair and threat of self-harm. It can be done - please talk to your DH & take steps for an admission.

Thinking of you 💐

How are you OP?

Can you see other gp? Mine would have called crisis team and handed the phone over me.

Go to a&e.

I am feeling calmer this morning. And a bit safer.

I really don't want to see a different GP. I've had so many awful experiences in the past and he is the first person to actually listen and take me somewhat seriously. Plus I'm probably approaching 20 appointments with him now - I don't want to go back through everything with someone else. I don't think he works Wednesdays - and by the time we were done yesterday the surgery was due to close in 15 minutes but he still had several people to see so no time for anything yesterday.

I don't think DH knows what to do. He almost didn't go to work today. GP did tell him that I had the number for the crisis team, but I think he must have read the report from the MH team wrong as I don't have their number. They just said I could call the liaison service again so they could add it to my notes.

Both DH and GP know I am terrified of having to go to hospital, so I guess they are just avoiding that if they can.

Honestly if he doesn’t know how to help you and hasn’t suggested a plan in 20 appointments then you may be better seeing someone new.
If you run out of time perhaps book a double appointment.
Can you get the number?

I think hospitals have crisis team. I have called them through switch board and asked to connect with crisis team. I have also googled the number once.

As pp said you should visit another gp. They don't need to know your whole history to deal your current problem.

Sorry this is a huge post, I’ve read your thread, it’s heartbreaking to hear your distress. I recognise your thought patterns and the hopelessness in them. 8 years ago I was you, I lived in the pit of depression and I had disordered thinking, panic attacks, harmful behaviours and absolute belief that I was worthless. I was (and still am) a single parent and the thing kept me alive was my dd. For you I suspect it’s your DH.

I didn’t eat, wash or function at basic tasks. I was very poorly. Signed off work for 7 months. I got medicated with citalopram and I would urge you to ask for a different type of anti depressant. My behaviours were sometimes manic, I spent far too much money, drank far too much. It was a dark time which fortunately my dd doesn’t remember as I was an expert at masking. I was a perfectionist and a high achiever and my bar was set high.

However 8 years later I’m stable, not medicated and coping with life. It is a marathon and I still have times where I notice I’m dipping and I have to make sure I’m self caring and reduce stress for a bit. I too had a high stress job and I lost it. I got sacked for poor attendance and performance. I now have a much lower paid but less stressful job which I love and I’m far far happier.

My advice for now is to set small achievable tasks, first one is to get out of bed every day, have a wash, change your clothes and brush your teeth. Just do that every day, set in stone no matter how bad you feel. Then add in small tasks when you are coping with that. Don’t overdo it in a good day because you’ll crash and be bad for a few days afterwards.

You can beat this, everyday you wake up on the morning and you didn’t give in to those urges to end your life the day before is a battle you have won. That shows you are stronger than you know, to keep pushing through even though the pain of existence is massive at the moment. It won’t be like this forever, you are ill, you can get better. I can’t believe the crap from the MH nurse. Keep fighting.

Been feeling very conflicted today. I thought today was going to be a day I didn't even get out of bed, but I've been up and eaten some stuff - trying to see that as an achievement but it is hard.

Keep thinking back about the appointment last night - I might just be misremembering because I was in a bad place but it's just making me feel really awful. In the letter the MH nurse sent there were some links for some free online CBT courses while I am waiting for the counselling to come through. GP asked if I am looked at them and I said no - he asked if I'd been trying to go out for a walk every day like we'd talked about last week, I said no, he asked if I thought I could try and either of those things over the next week, I said no. He said that he can't do everything for me, and that I need to want to work with him to get better. I just wish it was that simple.

I first started feeling down in September, if I'd come and got help then, then all these things would probably have helped. I didn't come and get help because I have this ingrained message from when I was a child that my feelings are not important, are not valid, that I shouldn't ask for help, that I should just get on with these things. That it is my fault that I feel this way and I need to just be able to sort it out by myself. And that if I can't then I deserve to feel like this. All that's happening now is just confirming that feeling to me - I wish I'd never reached out for help.

I wish that I could just get up, get dressed and go to work like a normal person everyday. Or that I could go out and go for a walk - walk to the pub and have some lunch. Read a book. Play video games - normally one of the main things I like doing. I just can't right now. All my mental energy over the last 5 days has gone into battling these feelings of just wanting to hurt myself. I literally can't think of anything else. My head physically hurts with the intensity of these emotions. The only thing that really helps is talking to somebody I know about it - but as the GP says I can't rely on other people forever, and other people can't always be there.

All I want is just someone to help me. Before, I felt like the GP genuinely cared and was going out of his way to help. Now I just feel like he's realising the problem is just me and I am not worthy of any help. That's certainly what the MH nurse thought (although GP argued against this when I said that). Maybe I am just projecting.

I think I'm realising deep down that I don't really want to die - I am fighting it so hard every day, and to be honest I am worried about how much longer I am going to be able to fight it for. I am reminded of something my best friend at uni said shortly before he took his own life - something like, 'I am trying so hard to fight it, I just need something to fight it with. Even if you just give me a stick, then I can fight it. I just need a stick.' I guess people are giving me things, I'm just not strong enough even with that. So it's just my fault again.

I've always been quite anti-medication anyway, especially after I had a very strange reaction to the sertraline - but I'm definitely not getting anything now as the psychiatrist has said not to give me anything. They don't think I am 'ill' so no medication is going to help. I'm just going to quote a snippet of what they have written - GP says I am misinterpreting what they have said but I don't see how I can. "our consultant psychiatrist has recommended not against starting any antidepressants as presenting situations seems in large part to be an extreme reaction to circumstances."

Sorry, rambling and this is super long. Writing helps too.

Your GP sounds caring and patient, but he is probably concerned and a little frustrated that you can't action his advice on getting out for short walks and looking at online therapy sites. I am sure he thinks you are 100% worth helping. As we know, can't physically make you do these things, or do them for you, so if you discern a 'drop' in support, it's probably just fleeting frustration.
May I ask why you are so afraid of hospitals? I don't have experience of this and hopefully another poster will, but it does seem as if you need in-patient treatment as being at home isn't helping you to feel better.
Do self-help audio books on subjects such as self-esteem and drowning out our critical voice help?
I wish you could dig deep to find some useful self-help books, access the online sites he mentioned, take high doses of vitamin D, regular doses of other essential vitamins, plus a short walk and sit in the sunshine (when we have it).
Another PP's advice to plan to do very little each day and not overload yourself seems very good.
You deserve to feel well OP 💐

You say you want to be well. The GP is suggesting help. Getting outside each day, looking at the online stuff. That will help. But you have to do it. People can only point you in the right direction. You’re the one who has to make the effort in order to try and feel better.
If your GP says you’re misinterpreting it then you likely are. They don’t tend to write in everyday language unfortunately.

Can you separate the voice with negative thoughts about your worth etc., from the basic knowledge that human bodies need certain things in order to remain healthy? And that you are not well at the moment? If I didn't drink water, eat nutritiously, get fresh air and exercise, do things to offset stress, then I too would feel awful and spiral into depression. Most of us would.

So you have feelings of low self-worth from childhood and a friend who committed suicide. I think these factors are really significant in how you find help - the stick!
It's possible that there is some truth in what the assessment said, in that your depression could be a response to difficult situations (and 1st year of teaching is well up there on THAT list) in that there are elements of behavioural response, self-criticism, self-sabotage triggered. And then it's a vicious circle as you worry more and more, succeed less and less etc. So medication may be counter-indicated because it just damps down the symptoms without addressing anything, and of course can also have suicidal feelings as a side-effect
Can you afford private therapy/counselling? (Or rather, can you afford not to?) I really think this is the key, not only to working through past scars and issues but with the right person, someone who can be sympathetic but also someone very practical, not wooly and wishy-washy, who can give you the kick up the wotsit when you need it. Of course if the doctor comes up with anything nhs wise in the short-term do give it a go - at the very least you'll identify what kind of counselling ISN'T helpful!
I noticed you blame yourself for quite a lot of things in your last post. Look out for that as it's self-reinforcing of your mental state. We all only do the best we can at the time with the resources we have, and that's where you are now, there's no need to think anything else.

You must try to be kind to yourself 😀 stop putting yourself down.
You are a young 25 yr old woman who as many years ahead of you
Try and look forward, not what could of been, we are are guilty off that and it just ruminates in our minds.

Of course you don’t want to die or cause grief for anyone. We all have times of strength and weakness and that can be without being poorly.

Do you think you have anxiety ?
Just that when I was poorly with anxiety depression
It was the anxiety that was more powerful than the depression stopping me going out. I was so so anxious and scared, I just wanted to sit on the sofa. I just sat staring out the window. I was to scared to have a shower, the anxiety was so so high I was scared to move.

What’s stopping you going out for a walk?

In the letter it says
“Our consultant psychiatrist has recommended NOT against starting any antidepressants “

"our consultant psychiatrist has recommended not against starting any antidepressants as presenting situations seems in large part to be an extreme reaction to circumstances."

On reading again, that is really ambiguous - and grammatically odd. If it's verbatim, I would get your partner to ring and ask for confirmation if they do/don't recommend medication?

Yeah sorry, despite literally copying it I managed to make a mistake. Should be "our consultant psychiatrist has recommended against starting any antidepressants as presenting situations seems in large part to be an extreme reaction to circumstances." Multiple people I have spoken to IRL have agreed that this is a really unhelpful statement, so I don't think it's just me.

I know that I need to do things. I am trying. I looked at some of the online things today, but I just really struggled to concentrate/engage with them. The negative thoughts that I have about myself are just so ingrained, I try and challenge them, but I just fundamentally believe them. This is also why I just don't think counselling is really going to help me - I know where all these thoughts come from, but again, it doesn't change the fact that I fundamentally believe they are true.

I want to get better and I am trying. All I have wanted to do every day for the past week is stay in bed and cry, but every day I have managed to get myself up, eat 3 meals and drink some water. Sounds silly but this is really difficult at the moment. I know I should be doing more. I want to, I know that the GP is really frustrated - I am really frustrated too. I want nothing more than to go back to who I was six months ago.

To be honest the main thing stopping me going out for a walk at the moment is just the fact I am struggling to even get dressed most days. I guess it is kind of like anxiety - I just freeze and feel completely unable to do anything. Actually going out, I also worry about running into neighbours and them asking why I am not at work. Evenings/weekends I worry about seeing children that I teach (went out on Saturday and this actually happened...). I know that this is all stupid, but I can't help it. I want to try and be nice to myself, but it's so hard when GP is getting frustrated that I am not doing enough, and MH nurse is confirming the idea I have from childhood that I am just acting ridiculous, don't really need any help and all this is just an "extreme reaction". GP put a lot of work in to trying to get me to accept that I am "ill", so it's just hard when they have said that I'm not...

That makes more sense! Don't worry, I literally cannot remember more than 3 digits at a time...
Going out when you're on sick leave IS hard, especially in teaching. I get that. Do you drive? That might be easier. Just drive to the shops for one single thing. Maybe a bunch of daffs?
I guess the GP is saying walk as exercise creates dopamine and lifts mood. Would you swim? Though sorting kit, getting wet and changed is a faff, once you're in the water it can be really soothing.

I just don't think counselling is really going to help me - I know where all these thoughts come from, but again, it doesn't change the fact that I fundamentally believe they are true. This is the crux, isn't it - are you brave enough to let anyone change your mind about this, will you let yourself take a chance to find out if you ARE worth it?

You're clearly intelligent, articulate, reflective, loved by your husband. You are young. You don't mention your parents at all, is that a difficult area?

Also, getting out of bed and eating 3 meals a day IS an achievement where you are. For the next week, see how many times you can shower and dress. See how it feels to cross that next little bridge. Not go out yet.

Start small. Follow the advice. Have a walk every day and a bath every day. Don't overthink things, stay mindful. Learn some skills such as emotional regulation, mindful walking, grounding techniques , DBT and distress tolerance.

Getting up and eating three meals a day is a big thing and it is important.
Counselling can help. CBT helped me see where my thought processes were unhelpful or unhealthy.

I do drive but don't have access to the car at the moment. Both for practical reasons (husband needs car to get to work) and safety (both of my most thought out plans involve me driving somewhere else...) I guess the other reason I'm avoiding going out for a walk at the moment is that it just doesn't feel safe. I live in the middle of no-where so options are: coastal path (tall cliffs) or walking 30 minutes down a busy road to the shops (lorries and buses). I don't really trust myself in either of those situations at the moment.

I want to try and do more things. I want to have a shower and get dressed today. Might be quite late though as at the moment I'm worried about missing the GP when he rings... I don't know what to say to him, I feel like I should tell him about what happened when I got home on Tuesday. I feel like everyone is just dismissing me telling them how suicidal I am though because they think I'm just attention-seeking, and if I tell him what happened on Tuesday it will just seem even more like I'm doing stuff for attention because it's not like I succeeded..

@twiilow I don't know if it's about being brave enough... I just feel like I'm the only one with all the information, so why would I trust anyone else?? Parents are a sort of difficult area - I wasn't a very happy child, but I was always made to feel like this was my fault/because of me if that makes sense? I didn't feel like I got much love/affection from my parents - I only really got any attention if I'd "achieved" something (good marks on tests etc). I also felt like they really disliked anyone that I tried to get that affection from that wasn't them, they hated DH when I first met him, they're still not great fans now, they barely speak to him when we go round, but have always been quite chatty with my siblings partners.