Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

[soakedonsplash]

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

Sorry you are going through this OP, the last time I felt this way I had very low Vitamin D and iron levels which contributed largely to my emotional turmoil. Have you had these checked out. Remarkable how low levels of these can disrupt everything. Good luck

Another awful few days. Private counsellor doesn't want to see me anymore - thinks I'm too risky and 'she has to protect herself'. GP doesn't care about anything I say anymore - it's pretty obvious he just wants me to kill myself so he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. I tell him my intentions and he does nothing to help or stop me. I've felt for a long time I only have one option and all the last 3 months have shown me is that I'm right, so I think the time is approaching.

Please be assured that the GP wants you to stay alive. So do all the posters on this thread.

It can take time to find the right meds, as everyone's physiology is different. If you've given your current meds a fair trial and have had no improvement, then it is worth trying a different med. I suggest you work together with your GP to co-manage your condition.

I'm not on any meds. Psychiatrist has said not give me anything as they don't think I am depressed.

Sending strength. Let's have a virtual cuppa together

They don't think you are depessed? What is your diagnosis then?

Don't have a formal diagnosis. I've had various things written on different forms. GP has written either low mood or depressed mood on my sick notes, on my travel insurance claim form he wrote depression/anxiety. Mental health nurse I saw said she thought I had emotionally unstable personality disorder - but GP was really not happy about this when he read their form. Psychiatrist has said my presentation is just 'an extreme reaction to circumstances' whatever that is meant to mean.

I believe that most, if not all, so called mental illnesses are a responnse to "extreme

Oops.
I am of the opinion that many "mental illnesses" are a reaction to circumstances. Some of us can have an extreme response. This is true for me, I have been hospitalised with mania, and have a diagnosis of bipolar. (Incidentally, some of these admissions coincided with my period.)

Except for psychopath personality, there were no such things as personality disorders in my young day. Now there is a proliferation.

I just really feel like I have exhausted every other option and I have no other choice now.

I always think of depression and mental illness as a chemical imbalance

Whilst you need counselling and psychiatric help you also need drugs to balance out the imbalance otherwise how are you going to get better.

If someone is anaemic you give them iron tablets. If they are also lacking in vitamin D you add in vitamin D tablets.

What is happening is because the iron tablets (your first prescription for anti depressants) didn’t work they seem to have thrown in the towel.

My friend tried multiple anti depressants before she got the ones that started to work. She did have really bad reactions to some and some just didn’t do anything.

I am surprised that your Gp didn’t prescribe you another antidepressant when you had a bad reaction to the first lot.

The diazepam seem to be working. Have you told your GP that they do help.

Definitely look at taking the higher strength vitamin D and iron tablets. Could your dh pick them up for you from the health food shop. Or just order them online.
I am a big fan of vitamins and minerals to ward off or help with certain physical issues I have.

I've read about cptsd before, but I don't think that's it. Definitely not experienced any trauma

But judging by your childhood then there was trauma on a daily basis.
The never quite living up to expectations and having cold parents might be what you got used to but it doesn’t make it any the less traumatic.

I don’t know which type of psychiatrist you need but this suggests you need to go back and address your upbringing.

This looks like the results of your upbringing and several life changing events that have brought it all to the fore

Perhaps you came across as a needy child because your basic needs weren’t being met.

The question is if you had parents who told you they loved you many times everyday.
Gave you hugs and praised you for just being their child do you think you would be where you are today.

Would you have made the choice to be a secondary school teacher or would you have gone into childcare or primary school teaching or have done something else entirely

Can you look at this as a physical illness.
Getting out doors even if it just into the garden to walk around and breath fresh air to start with as your physio and using the diazepam, vitamin D and iron tablets as your pain management

I would insist on a blood test to look at not only your vitamin and minerals in your blood but also all your hormones

Until you find the imbalance then how are you supposed to get better

The diazepam can take me back from being on the brink of hurting myself - it doesn't do much more for me. I was taking it daily a few months ago and it was helping but I grew tolerant to it very quickly and started being quite irresponsible with taking it so it's not a long term solution.

GP did say today that my weird reaction to the antidepressant was just a result of my anxiety around taking them, so trying a different tablet would just end in the same result. I also said I feel very much on the brink anyway - don't think I could cope with side effects on top of everything else at the moment.

I don't really know why I am posting as I think I have made up my mind - just need to survive until Monday when DH will go back to work. I have tried going out and doing this - just makes me feel significantly worse. I was coping much better until I went out on Monday.

My friend tried several anti depressants to find one that worked.

Some aggravated her anxiety, made her feel sick or just made her feel tired and out of it.

I have a couple of other friends who have been put on ADs and I don’t think any of them found the right ones to take straight away

Friend was advised to take them for a period of time even if she had initial side effects

How long were you taking the ADs you were prescribed for?

Until you have tried all types of ADs then how does the gp know that it will all end the same way.

The fact that diazepam does go someway to taking the edge off I think means that you need some form of anti depressant to get you to feel more functional.

I think you also need to work through your childhood. I am no expert but definitely think that what you went through growing up has quite a bit to do with the person you are today.

I think the triggers of a lot of major events has tipped you over the edge.
Whilst they were exciting things they all I think took a toll on you both physically and mentally.

How are you OP?

I am still here but can't say much more than that. I have my occupational health assessment on the phone this morning so I'm feeling anxious about that.

My husband somehow managed to get through to the actual crisis team on Saturday and they have booked me in for another assessment with the mental health team. They've also given me their number so I can get straight through to them rather than the liaison service which is what I had the number for before. I don't really feel like I can ring them though as I shouldn't really have the number, just the guy on Saturday gave it to me. My husband is also trying to get through to speak to my GP to try and get something to happen.

I can get through day to day but I'm struggling to see what the point is anymore. Trying to focus on the above things to struggle through a bit longer, but everything else has just ended in rejection and I don't see why this will be any different.

I have a 25 year old daughter and I just want to put my arms around you and pat your back while you have a big cry.

You have done so well to persist in your search for help and I’m so angry on your behalf that you keep coming up on closed doors.

I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for the last 15 years and I have felt the only thing keeping me alive has been the effect my death would have on my kids and family.

In the last couple of years I’ve been seeing a therapist and she has honestly turned my life around. I still have some shame around the times I was too depressed to take my children to school because I couldn’t raise my head from the pillow, but I have been able to accept the fact that I was unwell. And that is you right now, an unwell young woman recognising that and asking for help, so well done. You’re doing so much better than you’re giving yourself credit for.

I’m disturbed by your description of your childhood needs being so poorly met, I had a similar experience with my parents but was fortunate to have loving Grandparents 5 minutes from home that we’re able to show me what love was.
I haven’t lived in the uk for 30 years now so can’t help you with any practical advice, but having read the thread I didn’t feel like I could scroll on by.

Wasn't on the phone long with occupational health - they've just said they're going to write to school and say I'm definitely not well enough to come back to work yet. Husband called and said my GP is off sick so wasn't able to talk to him. I don't know what else I'm holding on for anymore. The urge to do it is so strong, I know it's the right option. I know that logically it is the right thing to do.

When is your assessment with the mental health team? Could they see you today do you think?

They won't see me today. The guy on saturday said I'd get a letter in the post saying when it was. Post has just come and not got a letter from them yet,

Hi Soak,

Things can and will change over time. Depression (which is what you have; not EUPD- stupid CPN trying to give you a diagnosis without you actually seeing a Psychiatrist/Psychologist!!) is a passing phase; which feels all-consuming and like it will last forever. It won't! There is nothing to stop you living a full, happy life and having kids in the future if that's what you had planned.

Any help or change in you ? Really hope you got some help