Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

[soakedonsplash]

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

You can’t see a way out because you have depression.
Can you call the Samaritans?

I have called them before and found them very unhelpful. I also just get really anxious about talking to people I don't know on the phone.

I hate talking on the phone. You can email I believe.

How are you this morning?

Also wondering how you are this morning.

Feeling a little better this morning - mornings are often better though. Tried to stay asleep for as long as possible. I already just want the day to pass by as quickly as possible so I can just go back to sleep again. Still feel like if I could get myself to do it then killing myself is my best option, but not got the really strong feeling to actually do it today. I think I can cope until my next GP appointment on Tuesday, but it's not like he's going to be able to make the situation suddenly better...

Have PMd you, soaked

You need to be honest about how you feel when you get to that appointment. And do you have a plan in case you start to struggle before then?

GP knows how I feel - he's told me before that he's sometimes very worried about what I might end up doing. He once kept me with him for several hours because he was worried about what I would do if I left - god knows what happened to his other appointments.

No plan - other than to try and keep myself distracted. Been watching some TV this morning, and played a bit of the new brain training game which always keeps my brain busy for a bit. DH suggested we could try baking something together later as I used to quite like baking. I can normally cope ok when DH is here - it's during the week when he's at work and I'm alone that things are worst.

Have you tried the mega dose vit D yet OP?

I was skeptical but it made a huge difference to my mood after 7 days.

Re the bpd diagnosis - I was diagnosed with this too but it was very wrong. I made changes to lifestyle and family ties and no longer experience any of the signs or symptoms. The bpd diagnosis does not take into account the fact you are self aware and capable of change. So don't give up on yourself. You are stronger than you know and you will find your way out of this.

OP, please know that I say this from a kind place. You absolutely need to leave teaching. Resign and get a non-demanding job once you feel up to it. Others have said it higher in the thread in a softer way, 'you are brave to teach secondary.. kids are cruel.. etc.) It's clear that you feel a huge weight of guilt and responsibility about going back and the school's inability to employ a replacement. That feeling won't disappear or help your MH. You know what will? Working in a garden centre, at a dog shelter, perhaps teaching early years, or anything else that would give you satisfaction and an income until you find your way.

Speaking as someone who never had depression or anxiety until I experienced menopause, I can't say strongly enough how much hormones affect our MH. It's purely hormones in my case. I don't have a stressful job, such as teaching.

Vitamin D - high doses
Hormones
Blood tests - online if you have to
. ^. ^
This This This

Imagine not ever going back to teaching and having a lovely, easy job to start part-time next week. You can have that. Why shouldn't you? Dropping teaching isn't failing. You're just shelving that plan and maybe you can revisit it later in life if you want to. Maybe you can use the skills by going into corporate training instead. But an easy job for now is essential.
You sound lovely OP. Best of luck 💐

GP sounds useless. That’s not a solution for day to day. Does he really know how much of the time you think like this?
What will you do tomorrow? Presuming he goes to work.

All come crashing down again. DH tried to start baking with me, don't even know what happened but I just snapped and said I didn't want to do it. Now a complete mess - he was sat next to me just breathing, even that was pissing me off so I snapped again, he's gone upstairs now. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this for.

I don't want a different job. I don't want a different GP. I have everything I ever wanted, but I just screw everything up. Sinking in more and more that the problem is just me.

No. The problem is you’re unwell. Get that sorted and this will all be fine.

Are you willing to accept that your thinking is wrong? You say you have everything you want and that you are what is wrong. Can you accept that that is not true even if you think it is?

Do you have anyone other than your husband? Would it help if you went to stay with someone else for a few days? It sounds as if you need urgent professional help. But other than asking to be sectioned, I don't know how you would get it.
Did you look for a private therapist as suggested up thread? Can you confirm that you've started taking the appropriate high dose of vitamin D? How is your nutrition? Eating and drinking enough? Sorry for the questions. Just really want you to feel better.

Maybe I am wrong - all the evidence points to the fact that I am right though.

I don't really have anyone other than DH. There were some people from work I was talking to, but as things have gotten worse they have stopped talking to me. I don't have anyone I could go and stay with - nor would I want to. I have looked at private therapists but really can't afford to pay £60 an hour which seems to be the going rate around here. Not got any vitamin D - don't know when I would get it, I only really leave the house to go to GP appointments now or if DH drags me out to the cinema. Eating fine now - this is the main reason I agreed to be signed off work as I stopped eating completely when I was at work.

What evidence? It’s just how you feel. And you’re clearly not well.
You need RL support. If GP isn’t helping you must see someone else b

@soakedonsplash, a couple of things have stood out to me from your previous posts.

1. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood? If you're comfortable sharing, were mum and dad together, did you feel supported by them, were you a 'nervous' or 'needy' child, were you able to play and relax and have fun?

2. You sound completely overwhelmed by day to day tasks. I get this a lot and just want to hide away, burying my head in the sand. I find writing a list of things I need to do, and then breaking each task up into smaller tasks helps me to see that I don't actually have as much on my plate as I thought, and I can just do one thing a day to feel 'in control'. A good first step is just acknowledging that I need to buy travel insurance/renew my MOT/find a new place to live. Then break each task down. So for buying travel insurance, I need to get the dates for when I'm going away, decide if I want gadget insurance, go on to a comparison site, put all the information in, get the results, find a supplier with a good review, put my banking details in, and then it's done. When I break it down it does not seem like such a mammoth task, but 'get travel insurance' seems overwhelming to me.

3. Your job sounds highly stressful and triggering. How were your relationships with other teenagers when growing up? Did you feel comfortable amongst your peers, or like an outcast?

4. Have you considered meditation? I am going through a MH crisis myself at the moment, which is rooted in childhood trauma. My body has essentially been on high alert for 28 years (similar age to you), and I can't trust how I feel/regulate my emotions/self-sooth. I have just started therapy, but am a bit of a control freak so have been doing a lot of reading between sessions.
   One thing that keeps coming up, again and again, is mindfulness meditation, and really allowing what it is we are feeling in each moment. Happy to write more about this if you'd like, but meditating every day has really allowed me to be considerably more in tune with my body and my feelings (something that trauma sufferers are generally not great at).

5. In terms of the suicidal thoughts - would you say you are actively making a plan or is it more a feeling of complete hopelessness and emptiness /just not wanting to continue in the way that you are feeling right now?

I understand what you are going through right now, and how debilitating it is.

1. Don't want to share too much in case somebody works out who I am. Parents were together, I feel like I was quite a 'needy' child, but can kinda see that that was just how I was made to feel if that makes sense. Parents weren't really affectionate, wasn't really made to feel loved. I had one other relative who regularly told me that they loved me, my parents were quite scathing and critical of this person. Only way that I really felt I got any attention/affection was by getting good grades at school in exams etc. I remember once coming home, said I got an A in a maths test and was asked what had gone wrong...

2. I try to do this, but even the simplest thing often feels incredibly overwhelming. I struggle most days just to get up, make myself something to eat, have a shower, put some clean clothes on, brush my teeth and hair. I can probably count on one hand the number of days I've managed to do all those things in the same day.

3. At the moment my job is very difficult, but I only have to think back to September/October to remember enjoying my job. Yes, obviously it's very difficult and stressful, but for a couple of months I was feel down and suicidal at home and then actually quite happy at work.

4. We do meditation at school with the kids - well, try to! It is often a battle so doesn't have a great link with me. Whenever I have tried in the past I just get stressed out that I am not doing it 'right'. To be honest, I feel I really need to actively distract myself from my thoughts as I just find them too difficult to deal with.

5. Bit of both. I constantly feel hopeless/empty, and then there are times when it is much more intense. I have made several plans, and actively and thoroughly researched all of them. I have told my GP/DH about some of these plans, so there are barriers in place to make it more difficult to enact some of them, but not all.

1. Have you heard of Complex PTSD? Take a look at this www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/7qp9ck/what_is_complex_ptsd_an_excellent_description/ and this www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/7nd3ab/what_are_your_symptoms/ I am asking you because a lot of what you wrote in your response resonates with me, and I have CPTSD. You don't need to have been physically or sexually abused to have trauma, and so much of what you have written leads me to believe you may be unravelling because of past traumas. Obviously I am not a doctor.
   I was also criticised a lot and a needy child, and even now crave a lot of physical affection and reassurance in relationships/have a very anxious attachment style.

2. How do you feel about keeping a journal with a "today I achieved" list, and doing a simple tick list each day. If you just tick off one thing, it will give you a sense of accomplishment. This works for me and helps me see I am doing something, if not everything.
   Do you feel a lot of guilt if you don't do all of the tasks you mentioned/do you feel like this is something you should be doing every day?

3. Ok, so the job isn't the cause of your illness but may be exacerbating it now (perhaps you're associating the traumatic feelings with being at work/I wonder how much the feeling of guilt comes into your not being at work?). How do you feel in your body when you are at work? How do you feel in your body when you are at home?

4. You need to feel these things and experience these thoughts, Soaked. Denying these feelings is not going to make them go away - you are either going to explode or implode. Meditation will give you an outlet to explore how you are feeling. Meditation is not about silencing the mind, it is about acknowledging your feelings, accepting them completely and then letting them go and coming back to the breath. I used to worry I was not doing it right (I also suffer anxiety, so this got tied into it too), but if you are acknowledging your feelings, and then coming back to your breath/a mantra/whatever you use for grounding, you are doing it right. Meditation is not about how you feel in the moment, it is how you feel after you've meditated. If you feel better, you're doing it right.
   If meditation is overwhelming, try sitting for just one minute on day 1, then 90 seconds on day 2, and then two minutes, and so on. There are so many amazing guided meditations, which help when you can't be alone with your thoughts. Here is a brilliant body scan I did this a couple of nights ago and felt so relaxed.

Here are some other coping techniques for you to try when you are feeling overwhelmed

• TIPP manhattanpsychologygroup.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt-distress-tolerance-skills-tipp-skills/
• Tapping
• RAIN www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/rain-workingwithdifficulties/ I feel this one may really help you long-term. It is an acronym for Recognise (how you're feeling in the moment, Allow (allow the feeling fully - the opposite of when we try to suppress a feeling), Investigate (why am I feeling overwhelmed/anxious/afraid right now? What is causing this? What is the real fear?), Nurture (picture someone who you feel safe with hugging you/picture hugging yourself as a child - try and bring in all of your senses).
• Managing flashbacks by Pete Walker (he has written books on CPTSD) pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

These are all techniques you can do in the actual moment and have helped me personally.

5. How does your DH react when you tell him about these plans? How does your body react when you think about these plans?

Do you think your a perfectionist? so if something not how you think it should be/ or when you do it, it’s not right, good enough etc?

You may not want to hear this, but I’m saying it for your own good.
To feel suicidal or to even look into ways of suicide is a person that is NOT well. Hence are you able to keep yourself safe. Constant suicidal thoughts is not a normal way for someone who is well (which you think you are) “ I don’t feel ill “

Soak, I have been where you are. Constant thoughts going through my head, not eating(lost quite lot weight) not sleeping(too wired) others sleep all the time. No interest, especially talking random shit when partner was talking to me, i wasn’t interested
I’d snap, then it would end in having words
And me crying. Feeling more suicidal, wanting out it was easier than dealing with all that was going on and how I was feeling.

You need psychiatric help, not a gp, he’s taking it all too lightly.
My gp told me if I didn’t go to a&e then he would call an ambulance
I can’t understand, why he’s only given you 1 antidepressant to try?
I was suicidal(but had crisis team) and tried 3 different meds(all not right for me)
How does he expect you to get better? It’s been 3 mths nearly and you just as suicidal.
Got no intervention from any mh person, no medication
You have at least 2 more months(minimum) before telephone counselling

Do you get tearful, cry?
Perhaps you hold it together more(perfection)??
Please when you go on Tuesday to gp ask for
FULL bloods
Hormones tested. Co-insides with episode at 16/17 & 20yrs old
Vit d
Thyroid

Pls don’t take it the wrong way, no harm meant

Keep posting OP. There are probably therapists on MN who will be able to give advice. Some may have already posted.
Use us as a journal. You aren't alone and I have read such good advice already that I hope you can try to action some of it.

I've read about cptsd before, but I don't think that's it. Definitely not experienced any trauma.

I don't know what more my gp is supposed to be doing. I have a relative who is a cpn, and they have been amazed by what my gp has done for me already. When I first told him I was feeling like this pretty much every day is when he referred me to the liaison service - all he can do. He has no power to do anything else.

It's like he says - ultimately things are going to come down to me. People have posted lots of advice - which I know is very unlikely I will take. The problem is that deep down I completely hate myself, I don't think that the way I'm feeling is at all valid or justified. All I see is me being ridiculous and the negative effect I have on everyone around me. Deep down, I honestly think that I deserve to feel this way - I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve DH and the love he gives me. I don't even really feel like I deserve to exist. Sometimes I can try to fight these feelings, sometimes I succeed for a few days - a few weeks etc, but I always have to face up to the truth eventually.

It’s not the truth OP. Everyone deserves to be happy.