Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

[soakedonsplash]

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

My GP is incredible - I feel so lucky to have him. I remember going to the GP when I was 16 and saying I was thinking about killing myself each day - their response was just "Well what do you want me to do about it?" and when I said I didn't know they just told me to come back when I did!
Current GP is so patient with me, as I know at times I must be impossible to deal with.

Not woken up feeling great today - struggling to get myself to really do anything. GP yesterday described it as like I'm walking on a tightrope - over the weekend things were starting to feel better, but it's still very fragile and precarious and it doesn't take much to knock me off again. All the negative thoughts are back with a vengeance today, and I'm doing my best to ignore them and argue against them but it's hard when what the mh nurse said basically confirms all of my negative thoughts. Feels like I am struggling to stay on the tightrope but someone is trying really hard to pull me down if that makes sense.

@granadagirl I teach Year 7-12, so ages 11-17. It's not easy at the best of times but was so much more difficult when I went back. I was only teaching around half my timetable, and none of my more difficult classes - but not easy walking down the corridor having 16 year olds shouting at me asking why I'm not teaching them and saying they're going to fail their GCSEs because of me.

You will have better & bad days, think off it like this might be easy to absorb and not take as a negative
Everybody as good and bad days, even those without anxiety 🤭

I have a lot of intrusive thoughts, They just come out of the blue. I suffer more now from social anxiety because anxiety as dominated me for Many years. I hate anything planned, am better most times spur of the moment then I don’t get the anticipation anxiety.
So I can be ok one min then I’ll get a pop in thought and I’m off on a downward spiral
And have to try hard to turn the thoughts round.

I can’t imagine teaching 11-16 yr old, some of them are really mouthy and would soon knock what confidence you built up again into getting back.
Your only thought right now is YOU
YOU come first above anything.
Be can to yourself, have a bath with lavender in, light some candles just small little things might help lift you if only slightly for an hour
Does hubby have an understanding of your mh issues and can shrug it off or walk away when you snap for no reason. Mines learnt over the years but it took a long time.

Morning are always the worse, it all so depends if you get a proper sleep unbroken.

Are you on any meds now?
Oh and did the stupid mh nurse ring you back. X

Not had a great day. MH nurse rang back but didn't say much - they don't want me to go on any medication as I had a really weird reaction to the setraline when I tried it, and they're worried because of my age that starting it could potentially make me feel more suicidal. They've just said to wait for the talking therapy that I've been on the waiting list for several months for already. So left in the same position I was before, but now with this horrible label that just confirms all the negative thoughts about myself.

I wish I could just disappear. Everyone would be so much better off without me here - they shouldn't have to put up with me. I think work are pissed off because they were expecting me back on Wednesday but then GP signed me off for 3 weeks. If I wasn't here at least they would be able to just hire someone to replace me rather than constantly paying for cover and not knowing when I'm going to come back. Friends/ work colleagues would then also not have to put up with me constantly messaging/talking to them - them having to waste a bunch of time talking me out of killing myself only to have to do the exact same thing the next day. To be honest I just resent them for the times they have talked me out of it when I actively felt like I could go and carry out one of my plans - I feel like everyone is so keen to stop me doing it, but don't care or think about how that leaves me feeling the rest of the time.

I just don't care about life anymore - I don't get any enjoyment out of anything. I can sometimes distract myself from my thoughts but it still feels like this massive wall looming over me. And eventually I have to face them. Eventually I'm going to need to go back to work - I'm going to need to deal with the fact that DH and I need to find somewhere else to live in the next few months. But I just can't deal with any of it. I wish I wasn't such a coward, then I could just end all of this pain and stop me being such a burden on everyone. I hate myself even for just writing this - like I've not ruined enough people's lives now I'm moaning on mumsnet too.

Soak
Just think how your hubby would feel if you went through with the suicide? It would be with him for the rest of his life.

This is what stops people carrying it through, what it does to them left behind.
I know you say you don’t care, that’s the illness talking. Not you.
Tomorrow you get on the phone and ask exactly how far you are on the counselling list(ie how many people are in front of you)
They will know.
Ask how many counsellors they have?

I can’t understand why they have just left you, well I can resources!! They’ve past the book to your gp (it’s a good job you like him and he listens)

Are you not back at gp for another 3 weeks?

Also try not to think of the big picture ie
Health work house
Your overloading yourself with stress, one thing at a time.
First health

I think about him finding me, that's what stops me. That's why I wish I could just disappear. or go back in time to when I first felt like this when I was 16 and do it then. I just hate myself and don't know how to live with myself. They said the waiting list was 5 months - I went on it at the end of October so guess I have about 2 months left. It is only over the phone though and I hate talking on the phone so I don't think will help. I don't think anything can help really. GP asked a few weeks ago if there was anything I thought could get me out of this situation and I said just if I was a completely different person. I can't live with who I am.

I am seeing GP on Tuesday - I don't feel like I can tell him about this though. He was so pleased when I told him I'd been feeling a bit better. And he was getting so frustrated before that things kept getting worse.

I feel really upset for you that the MH nurse who can't actually diagnose, has told you a potential label. Surely if that is what they feel it should be followed up quickly by a psychiatrist appt who can undertake a full assessment and then offer a plan of DBT therapy if that's what he really thinks. I'm not saying you have it though. I think you need to see a private therapist or psychologist- is there any possibly possible way you could - do you have family who could help?
Please try to take heart that this is not yet a diagnosis. If it ever was, there is treatment. Please look at self care and management of emotions online eg getselfhelp, Mind, nomorepanic etc and look at distress tolerance. If you feel increasingly distressed please go to AE.

I agree with mindfulmam, that it surely should of been followed up with psych input. Can’t believe your left to just wait for telephone counselling!!!
There is treatment out there for nearly most mh illnesses.

Have you tried googling mh/depression and your area?
Nomorepanic is a good site, I used to go on that all the time when I was poorly.
Mind may be able to help.

Tomorrow if you wake as bad as today, please go to a&e and get the mh in a&e to have a chat with you.
You really do need to be open about everything, otherwise your just not going to get the help you need now
Playing it down or not mentioning certain things will let people think you not as poorly as you are right now.

She said on Monday that she couldn't refer me to the actual mental health team yet because they would only take me on if I'd tried the telephone counselling first and it hadn't worked.

I've looked at lots of websites - I don't find it helpful. I don't see myself as ill - just a shitty human being who everyone would be better off without. Every time I get to this place and can't summon the courage to do anything is just another time I am letting everyone down. I think if I went to A&E they would just laugh at me. They did give me the number for the crisis team on Monday, but asked me to ring if I was struggling "so we can add it to your notes" not so that they could actually help me or anything.

Hi OP
I think you should ring the crisis team. You are struggling.
It will be a further contact with MH services.
You say you are not ill but you have been having anxiety and panic attacks in work. It seems that this has caused the deterioration and you aren't in work.
I just can't believe they have left you fir telephone input. I'm so sorry .

You will be fine once you get the right help. I don't think you sound like you have bpd it sounds like you have a stressful job, you feel you are not coping and are letting everyone down ( probably because you care a lot and are responsible) and everything has snowballed. Honestly. I had a counsellor once who just sat stony faced fir fifty minutes and didn't appear to know what trauma was let alone offer me any hope. I couldn't understand how she couldn't help me. Years later I think she really wasn't very good.
Don't be disheartened x

I couldn't call them. DH text me to say he was coming home. He'd gone out with friends - he'd been invited but said he wasn't going to go, but I lied and told him I was fine and that he should just go. I just feel so guilty that he keeps turning people down to stay with me. he'd have been really angry if he knew how I was feeling.

I have woken up feeling a little better - but I am often better in the morning. I still feel like I am just wasting mine and everyone else's time - waiting for someone to show me an alternative to just ending everything. It doesn't feel like there is one though.

Why could you call them ?

Couldn't

Didn't want him to come in, hear me on the phone and realise how I was feeling. I don't really want to call them anyway to be honest - I'm not that bad and I would just be wasting their time.

Hi OP
I don't think you are feeling fine really. I think if they have given you that option which they don't to everyone by any means then take it.

I've just looked. it's not actually a number for the crisis team - just the people I spoke to Monday. Like I said - they said to ring them 'so they could add it to my notes', they don't actually care about how I feel. They think I have a personality disorder so they're just going to say I'm overreacting to everything and not listen to how I feel. I'm just so fed up of struggling and fighting through every day - and for what? Just to be left with my failure of a life.

Ultimately the message they have given me in what they have said and in this label they have given me is that they think I 'make up' these feelings, or hurt myself, just to get attention from other people. If I ring them that only backs up their view - it won't help me at all.

I don't want to ring samaritans because I don't want to just be asked over over and again how something makes me feel. Most of my friends/family are at work, the ones that aren't will just tell me to ring samaritans. I feel completely stuck. And I'm just fed up of it all.

I understand your distress I really do.
I think your age , gender and possibly having had a trial of ADs means they have considered this diagnosis. I honestly feel
It's a bit shit because I don't see how they can be sure yet.
My understanding of EUPD is that there's difficulty with emotional regulation and interpersonal relations among other things. To be honest all of the traits apart perhaps from the self harm and anger aspects most people experience to some degree.
I don't see from your posts you have a lot of anger and I feel as if you might have low self esteem and high expectations of yourself along with perhaps the stress of your new job tipping you into not coping and panic.
I know bpd is seen as a negative label because of the things you mention - an idea that people are manipulating services to get more input and attention and to be honest I think that's really unfair and also there is treatment in the form of dbt.

Could you ask fir a second opinion/ assessment as you feel this label is damaging and not a good fit?
What did they say when your GP called them back?

I feel a lot of anger towards myself - I don't ever really feel angry towards other people. Even when other people expect me to angry at them I'm normally not.

I don't know how much there is to be gained from getting a second opinion - as it's not like they are really doing anything about it. Just told me to wait for what I am already waiting for. They also said that dbt is not available on the NHS in my area.

Don't know if they have spoken to my GP, but he really wasn't happy about when I told him, and his response was basically f* them (not even exaggerating that much, he did swear...)

But I just hate it because the attention seeking and the manipulating are all things that the negative thoughts in my head tell me to stop myself seeking help. And now because a professional has given me this label it's just confirmed that thought even more and I'm finding it more difficult to reach out for help when I need it (been lieing to DH about how I feel... he's just come in from work and asked how I've been and I said good). I've been fed the message since I was a young child that my feelings are invalid/not important, and that I overreact to everything and just need to suck it up and get on with it. I was doing better last week because I was being more successful at challenging those thoughts, but it's so much more difficult now that a medical professional has also said those things.

Is there any possibility you could get some subsidised therapy - look at Anxiety UK and MIND sites they offer means tested therapy sessions

Mind aren't taking on new people in my area. there is a charity near me that does subsidised counselling but they have a six month waiting list... I'm about a month in.

Really feels like there is no point today. Spent the last 2 days struggling to get out of bed, not even getting dressed. DH is trying to to get me to go out and eat lunch and go to the cinema. Just feels impossible. I just hate myself so much, feel so pathetic. I feel like I am struggling just to exist each day, with no end in sight. What is the point in living like this. Everyone would be better off without me, and I just don't want to be alive anymore.

Oh soaked I’m so sorry. Take it from someone who has been there. It’s the depression that’s making you feel this way. It messes with your thought processes. Makes everything seem pointless yet impossibly hard at the same time. Makes it seem like there’s no way forward. Only this.
That was me.
CBT and then finding an anti depressant that works for me have been revolutionary. Now is shit. I get it. You’re allowed to say this sucks!! But it won’t always. It won’t.

I can see you feel disheartened and down. We all do at times honestly. But don't pile on self judgement and black and white thinking ( I feel bad I feel exhausted - I don't want to be alive)
You just need help to feel better about yourself and your situation.
You sound resourceful , intelligent, balanced , caring. You have professional qualifications. You are so young.
It's your thoughts and emotions that are bringing you down .
Do you know anything about distress tolerance or emotional regulation skills? That's what these feelings need.
Cinema sounds good fir distraction - keep
Yourself in each moment. Listen to the film . Watch the film. Speak to or cwtch up with your DH. Go outside and look at the sky.
Walk outside , run on the spot.
Breathe in for 4 seconds hold your breath 3 or 4 seconds breathe out slowly over 5/6 seconds.
Then start again until you feel a shift.

Went to the cinema which kinda distracted me for a bit. Saw some kids that I teach so that probably won't go down on Monday. All my friends from work have stopped replying to me so I think everyone is pretty pissed off with me. I don't know how I'll ever be able to face going back to work.

I can normally distract myself for a bit, but eventually I have to face up to my life and who I am. I can't hold it in for ever. DH has gone out again and all I keep thinking is that this is my chance to do it. I am meant to be intelligent, I am meant to be good at problem solving, but I see no other way out of this situation. My GP has never said I have depression - he says its because he doesn't like putting people in boxes and think it is more helpful to talk about my individual situation, but I think the truth is that he just thinks I'm making it all up. Like everyone at work clearly thinks I am. I'm pretty sure my GP, and everyone at work, and just everyone I know really would actually be pleased and happy if they got the news that I had killed myself and they didn't have to deal with me anymore. DH would be upset initially, but overall his life would be so much better without me in it.

Don't even know why I typing this and not just going upstairs and doing it. GP says the fact I do this sort of thing is because I don't actually want to kill myself. But I do - I am just scared. I hate myself so much that I can't just do it and have to carry on being such a burden to everyone.

I am sorry to anyone who reads this. I don't know what I'm doing