Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Can anyone offer me any hope? (long)

172 replies

soakedonsplash · 15/01/2020 15:24

Sorry this is so long - just wanted to get everything out.

I am a recently qualified secondary teacher - within the last 15 months I have started a new job, moved house and got married to my amazing DH. A few months ago I noticed that I was starting to feel much more tired, and just wasn't enjoying doing any of the things that I normally do. I would come home from work and count down the hours until I could go to sleep again. This lasted a few weeks, where I still found work very enjoyable (although very challenging at times), but felt completely miserable and at times very suicidal in the evenings and weekends. This then started to creep over into work and I started finding it very difficult to teach, and the usual comments/criticism that teenagers make was really bothering me.

I confided with someone at work - they asked if I was feeling suicidal and if I had made any plans, I said they had and they told me to go and speak to my GP. I was really scared about this as I'd had awful experiences before, but he was amazing and he signed me off work.

Since then I just feel like things have got so much worse. Being off work just makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm not ill and that I should be at work. I tried anti depressants and had a really strange and alarming reaction after only taking one tablet - my GP advised me to stop taking them and hasn't suggested trying a different tablet. I am on the waiting list for two different counselling services (one NHS and one run by a charity that I would pay a subsidised amount for) but the waiting list for both is six months long.

My suicidal thoughts now happen almost daily and are much more intense. I don't see any way out - I feel like I have ruined my whole career by having this time off, and I feel like I'm ruining my marriage because I am so irritable and snap at DH even if he just asks if there has been any post that day. My GP was incredible at the start (and still is - I have no desire to see a different doctor), but I feel he is getting increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not getting any better - and I often feel like he just wants me to go through with it and kill myself because then he won't have to deal with me anymore. He has referred me to secondary mental health services, but has also said he thinks it is unlikely they will really offer me anything.

So much more that I could say but I think I've said enough. I have no idea where to go from here - I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I almost went through with it and tried to kill myself last Friday but DH heard me and came to stop me. I just feel like everyone is so determined to stop me taking my own life (one time my GP kept me with him for 3 hours because he could tell I was not safe and said he was worried I was going to go and hurt myself), but can't offer me any other answer or solution. Please someone tell me that there's somewhere to go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 12:55

Just had the written report through from last week. They've said they're not recommending antidepressants as all my current symptoms are just a result of my extreme reactions to normal situations, and I just need to learn to cope with them better. So they are just confirming that I am right.

I almost booked a phone appointment with my GP today - I wish I had. I don't feel very safe right now

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 12:58

Phone! It doesn’t mean you’re right. It may mean you need other coping mechanisms.

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 13:00

the appointments are all gone now

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 13:07

Even if you say it’s an emergency? What do they suggest?

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 13:10

haven't spoken to anyone - you can see what appointments are available online. If I ring they will say I need to speak to whichever doctor is doing emergency appointments today, which I know is not my usual GP. I do not want to speak to anyone else.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 13:11

If you have hurt yourself and may do so again then you must.

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 13:27

Nobody actually believes that I might do it. In the report it even says I'm just exaggerating and don't intend t actually do anything.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 13:28

You just need to keep being honest with them.

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 13:31

that means somehow managing to tomorrow evening when I see gp

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 13:33

Can you write down what you want to say?

granadagirl · 27/01/2020 13:35

Soak
What exactly are your current symptoms?

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 13:37

I don't know what I want to say. I don't know what anyone means.

I just can't do this anymore. I just want it to end. Something is stopping me getting up and going to do it - I don't know what. I hate myself that I can't even do this right.

OP posts:
Lightsabre · 27/01/2020 13:55

I think you should present at A and E. Tell them your suicidal thoughts are overwhelming. A duty Psychiatrist will come to see you. Do you have any Diazepam left?

Twillow · 27/01/2020 14:00

I don't know you but my heart has gone out to you reading this thread.
The fact that people may not know what to do to help (which is not unreasonable, you don't know either) absolutely does NOT mean they want you to kill yourself and stop being a problem. You HAVE a problem, but YOU are not a problem. Suicidal thinking often causes this kind of flawed reasoning where people rationalise that everyone else will be better off without them. They won't. Suicide leaves such massive scars on the people left behind, their guilt and feelings of helplessness never go away.
I am so so sorry that you are feeling so unwell, it must feel unbearable. Please talk to the crisis team.

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 14:01

I don't want to go to A and E, I have no way of getting there anyway. I forgot about the diazepam, I've taken one now

OP posts:
Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 14:02

@twillow mental health team have made it very clear that they don't think I have a problem - that I have a problem. They've offered me no support whatsoever and advised my GP not to prescribe anything as I just need to sort myself out

OP posts:
Lightsabre · 27/01/2020 14:04

You can phone 999 and they'll take you to A and E. If you are admitted, they can do a proper mental health assessment.

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 14:04

I know that’s what you’re understanding but I bet that’s not what they actually wrote.
A and E If you might actually hurt yourself. By any means possible.

granadagirl · 27/01/2020 14:32

Soak
We are all hearing you, that’s why we are concerned for your wellbeing
Your so young 25, you have many happy years ahead of you.

There’s people on here who have been where you are, I know I have
I’m a lot older and probably more experienced with mh problems, other too and we realise that to think like you do overwhelmingly suicidal thoughts is not NORMAL it is a mh problem.

So mh say
You have a problem, and the problem is extreme reactions to normal situations?
Well if you can’t cope in normal situations, UOU have a problem!!
That is FEAR,PANIC, irrational thinking, suicidal
That is ANXIETY and DEPRESSION
That’s how people get mh problems with exactly these symptoms

That mh nurse is talking shit !!!!!

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 15:37

Diazepam has calmed me down - although it has also given me a horrendous headache. Still feeling very low, but no longer feeling a big desire to hurt myself today. I have no idea what to say to the GP tomorrow. Last week I said things were feeling better and they were - I don't want to say how bad things have got. He said I needed to try and go out every day this week - most days I've barely gotten out of bed. Just going to be such a let down.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2020 15:49

No. It’ll be a sign that you need more help and support. To move forward.
You need to say how bad it is. Why wouldn’t you? It’d be like going to hospital knowing you might have broken your leg but saying it doesn’t hurt really.

granadagirl · 27/01/2020 16:46

As the headache eased?

I don’t think your being honest and opening up to your gp how your really feeling??
Are you worried of what people think of you?

Why don’t you write it down on paper
And just hand it to him,
Lots of people do this, and there really used to it.
Don’t play it down, tell it as it is
Unless you do, you will not get the correct treatment for you.

Your not getting it now, because your playing it down and convincing yourself and others that your ok and not I’ll.

A question
In your eyes, how would you feel if you thought you were mentally poorly?
Put another way
If your husband was open and honest, (like your really feeling honestly) and was off work
Feeling like you do
What would you say to him??

Twillow · 27/01/2020 18:08

My background is a child with mental health problems who took an overdose 3 times. Fortunately, she is still with us and very much better now. I cannot tell you what a dark place that was for me, let alone for her.
But I second what others have said - your experience of the NHS team does not sound very good. Our experience was similar - the GPs great, the NHS counselling not so much. I know they are stretched to their limits with cuts etc but you deserve better than that. At the very least, there are many different medications that can be offered. Private counselling was what helped us.
I second to tell your GP exactly what you said in your last post - last week was better (though not great), this week you have suicidal thoughts every day and have found it hard to get even out of bed. Tell the GP too about your feelings that you feel as if everyone would be better off without you, that is a serious indicator.

Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 18:09

Headache has completely gone. I'd not taken a diazepam in two weeks - so it's nice to see my tolerance has gone down now and it can go back to being a literal miracle drug for me. I feel completely different now - thinking back to earlier I just feel a bit ridiculous now. Although, I know from past experience that I will wake up in the morning and feel crap again..

I think i do need to try and make clear to my GP how close I am getting to actually hurting myself, as I don't think he does realise how bad it gets. Also obvious that mental health team don't realise as they have written in the report that I have am just experiencing fleeting thoughts and have no intent to hurt myself. I don't know what my GP can realistically do though - especially as the advice from the psychiatrist is not to prescribe me anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
soakedonsplash · 27/01/2020 18:12

@twillow sorry - didn't see your post when I was typing above. I think I do need to tell my GP - I might write something tonight as that has worked before. He is aware of those sort of feelings - I tell him almost every appointment that I even get ridiculous feelings of guilt about being a burden on him, and once that I think he would be happy/ relieved if he heard I had managed to kill myself. He was pretty freaked out!

I am sorry to hear about your experiences - it is thinking of DH that is stopping me from acting at the moment.

OP posts: