Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

ABI I totally agree it's futile attending literature exam she can't possibly pass,where's the point in that??
Also think school are being highly unreasonable about band..but I know from experience that schools aren't very logical a lot of the time
I've no idea on the volunteering front as most things are people based.iur local church has a community cafe that run by volunteers.ciukd she handle something like that?my D's volunteered on weekends from 12 yrs

AnneofAvonlea My DD1 eats her breakfast at 4am! I put a croissant wrapped in foil and a small glass of orange juice next to her bed when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning it is eaten! It works for us, she's much less grumpy.

Abi I agree - I really can't see why getting a level 2 is preferable to not sitting an exam, especially as it really wouldn't reflect her potential.

She had a complete meltdown tonight. Don’t want to write another long post but it started because she wanted me to take her to our caravan for 4 days. Happy to do that but for various reasons ended up too late. Then she was arsy about tea because I hadn’t got anything in ( spent £100 2 days ago) she had a massive rant and told me she hated me and fuck off. So I did. Went round to my recently exH. She came round on her moped later but because we didn’t hear the doorbell she had another rant about refusing to let her in. I later returned home took my handbag inside then went back to my car for something. She locked me out! Eventually she let me in. Ranting continued. Repeated the same thing over and over again like ‘I hate you so much’ ‘you’re a shit parent ‘ ‘you should never have had me’ ‘you wasted money on IVF’ I never wanted to be born into this shit life’ ...
I went to my bedroom out of her way but she followed. She started tearing up my accounts book-sheet by sheet screwed it up and threw it at me plus a few other things. Then she sits on the sofa covered in a blanket sobbing ‘ it’s your fault you’re messing with my head’ you don’t care, you never care. After about 20 minutes she suddenly comes out from under the blanket says she’s sorry and it’s like nothing ever happened. Does anyone have experience of this kind of behaviour? Is this MH issues or like s toddler having a tantrum because she didn’t get her own way?
She said she hated me and wanted to live with her dad. I’m ashamed to say that I thought please go because I can’t deal with this.
Any advice please?

Abi how horrible for you. My DD1 can be similar - she hates me so much, I’ve ruined everything- and when I try to walk away to stay calm she follows me. She has sat outside the door of the toilet before and I was literally trapped in there. Then the storm passes and she all happy and back to normal and then I’m expected to be too! When she’s not like that we can have a proper discussion about how it and she can acknowledge her behaviour. Like your DD, it is often caused by a change of plans or something she feels is unfair. I have sometimes thought that she’ll have to go and stay with my mum for a few days but then I worry because I think she’ll feel like I can’t hold her - we’re supposed to be their safe place which is why we get all this shit when they are angry, frightened, frustrated, confused - it all gets dumped on to us! I feel like I have to be able to tolerate it because otherwise it will seem completely uncontainable to her. However my DD1 is 12 so maybe it’s a bit different now your DD is older. Is she able to talk about it once she is calm? What does she feel about ripping up your book now?

Are you waiting to see someone from mental health? Perhaps the appointment can be brought forward? Or is there a crisis team you can call when she’s in the middle of this?

Sending you lots of good wishes in this difficult situation

I echo everything bigbus says ABI
I wouldn't however tolerate wrecking anything in my room,nor following me in

Abi - it's a nightmare and that level of abuse on you is not sustainable. I think it is the mental health but that doesnt make it easy for you to deal with. My 12 yo, like bugbus dd, has some meltdowns and cant control herself when in them. She almost cant remember what happens afterward either. Yours is older so the impact must be greater. I would be getting ex to help you tbh.

Thanks everyone.
If I ask her about the notebook she will say it’s my fault for winding her up. Nothing is ever her fault! She takes no responsibility for her actions. We are on the waiting list with CAMHS. She had one appointment and they put her on a waiting list for a support group for OCD. She was offered a place but didn’t go because she ‘didn’t feel ready ‘ we now have a social worker as she is considered a ‘child in need ‘ because of the school situation. The social worker has spoken to CAHMS who have said they don’t actually think she has OCD and the fear of germs is an anxiety/control issue. It’s really difficult because she won’t engage with anyone. School and social worker say she needs to see a GP and get a paediatric referral for a proper assessment but she won’t go. I can almost imagine that she knows this is a behaviour issue and doesn’t want to be ‘found out’ if it’s OCD she can’t help it and it’s not her fault. Ex is actually being pretty supportive given that it was primarily her behaviour that led to me leaving him 8 weeks ago. I am feeling much stronger myself and really want to tackle the behaviour once her exams are out the way. The social worker is sorting out some support/ training for me. I need to regain control. As someone told me - she may have mental health issues but that doesn’t mean she had to be a horrible person. If she won’t accept any help I will have to try to improve things the best I can.
Big hugs to anyone in a similar situation. My only advice would be to keep pushing for any support you can get. I kept thinking it will get better, it’s just because.. I wish I’d tackled this a few years ago instead of just thinking it would get better.im not saying the MH issues could have been avoided but I could have dealt with some of the behaviour issues and not let it get to this situation.

It's good to hear your story Abi. Mine is 12 and has many issues but we wont tolerate rudeness or bad behaviour at the moment.
We are almost at the end of our tether though

I think it's been a rough ride for most of us this week!!
DS is having very physical symptoms todayand that in turn makes him anxious,and anticipating it which makes it virtually constant...once hot he goes off food and can't concentrate so not much schoolwork or eating done here.ive resorted to Minecraft on Xbox to allow us all a bit if relief as that distracts him relatively wellhe's in shower now.im about eat my dinner and watch TV with dd2 for a bit

We’ve made it to dancing this morning with minimal mayhem but DD1 is invites to a paintball party tomorrow which she said she wanted to go to so we are doing all the driving and taking 2 friends because the car is a real trigger so she needs to go in our car - the party is for the friend who was sick on her in the summer and started this whole thing (although if it wasn’t that it would have been something else) - now she’s making a fuss saying she won’t go but we have to because we are the driver. I think it’s great that she challenges herself but there is likely to be quite a lot of yelling before we get out of the door tomorrow!

She's being very brave bigbus all things considered

Zoo she is being very brave!

DD1 has a thing about being too hot too. She has a small fan in her room.

My DD is always hot! She has a fan in her room which is on 24/7. However she won’t open a window because a spider might come in. She also has her curtains permanently closed but that might be a teenage thing! She had a mini meltdown last night. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa next to where she was practicing her drum kit. Managed to get to bed at 11.30. Went to sleep then at 1am she phoned me (from the next room) saying she was upset and I needed to make her feel better. I told her I needed to sleep but after a couple more calls and a visit I got up. Went to her room but she couldn’t tell me what she was upset about. She then asked if I would get her a glass of squash which I did. Then ‘now you’re up would you make me a pot noodle?’ I was so desperate to go back to sleep that I did because I couldn’t cope with the fallout at 1.30 am. Now it’s 12.00 I’ve been up a few hours doing housework and she’s still in bed saying she can’t get up she’s too tired. We were supposed to be going out 15 minutes ago. She had an exam at 8.45 Monday- not looking forward to getting her up at 8am!

Has an exam

ABI I'm sorry you had such a rough night.when she says wants you to make her feel better,what exactly is she expecting you to do? I do feel she's taking advantage of your exhaustion to get drinks and a pot noodle as most children can do that for themselves by the time they hit teen years at latest...
Please do not think I am criticizing you,I totally get being worn down to point anything for easy life

DD1 also keeps the curtains closed! And DD2 won’t open the window in case a bird flies in! I get texts from 2 floors up asking me to bring her headphones up etc. Like you Abi I do it because it’s less hassle than not doing it! I do make her wait until I’m going up anyway. My mum says we need to stop everything revolving around DD1 but that’s rich coming from her - she massively favours DD1 despite many conversations asking her to stop. She can’t cope with the anxiety and the teenage tantrums though and I end up mediating like they are siblings!

Abi - I can see why you got her the drink and food for an easy life but it was the middle of the night. She didnt need food. She is old enough to get a pot noodle herself if she really wanted it.
It doesnt sound like she was anxious or needed the food to get her out of a spot, she just wanted you to get it because she knows you would. And that's not fair on you. You need to rest too.

Maybe next time she is upset you agree that she comes to your room rather than phones you, and then she would be the one up...

bigbus am I right in thinking you just said you mediate dd and your mum like siblings??if that's right I don't envy the extra stress there

Yay found new thread...will catch up on posts later or tomorrow but hope all doing as well as poss in the meantime

Just sent long email to school asking them not to try and insist she attends one of the lessons she is scared of until we have seen the psych next month. Hope they listen.

I have appointment on Tuesday. I want to explain my concerns about sensory processing, social anxiety, phobias, eating issues and possible ASD question. School have been very supportive so far but is there any support or resources I should be asking for to help dd? So far she goes to student support when things get to much and has passed to get out of class etc. They respond to me when I flag issues but as she doesn't have a diagnosis of anything is there anything else I can ask for? More intervention?
Our private psych appointment is next month.

Anne my understanding of the system for asd assessment to us it is a long road,private isn't faster as use same doctors and parents try fast track to end game (understandably) have caused most areas to have long waits.im told from initial visit to see if we meet criteria to poss diagnosis for D's can be as little at 18months or as much as FOUR YEARS where I live...

Tbh I think the school are offering quite a lot of support(compared to what my D's has had and we have had to fight tooth and nail for everything)and I can't honestly think of anything else they can do practically,except maybe some access if there's a SENCO area?my D's was sent to SENCO as it's small low numbered class environment (but for him was still to much and occasional explosive/loud asd kids push him to point of terror)

All I would say is write everything down you are concerned about.if you get flustered by anything you will kick yourself if miss out any points you had planned to make
I really hope it brings forth more help and support for you

Thanks zoo. The school have been amazing. I'm not expecting this to be a short road but I am worried about how quickly it is escalating and getting worse.
I have had a response from her head of year already tonight and she is so reassuring so I do feel very lucky.

Anne I think if school is on board supportive that's half the battle tbh.if we had had more input at beginning from school I do wonder if we would've been able to stem the tide from totally drowning my son.but,it doesn't pay to look back and beat self up with hindsight!!
It's very encouraging to have had contact from head year tonight
Sending positive vibes and good luck!!do let us know how you get on.x

Good luck for the week ahead. So looking forward to the end of the exams!