Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

techno welcome.
That sounds so terribly hard.id personally suggest sticking with it if it's what she wants?how did she feel the counselling session went?in my experience men find things they can't "fix" hard to deal with and either blank it out,refuse it's happening or become agitated and irritable and not remotely helpful at all
What have school said?
(And fantastic news that she got her GCSE with Al things going on you must be very very very proud of her)

Eust tummyache is common if you don't eat.also less eaten,less feel like eating.remind me why she doesn't want to eat?(I've got a head like a sieve, I'm sorry)

She has anxiety zoo and any time she is emotional it impacts her appetite. She is also incredibly fussy with sensory issues and so has reduced the amounts of food she will eat considerably.

eust I can relate to that,I can be like that.eating can be very unpleasant if throat tight or tummy is churning.sensory?is she ASD?has she "safe" things she will eat?will she take a multivitamin?

Hi zoo, thanks for your reply. I realize reading through here some people have it a lot worse than I do, my heart goes out to you all. School so far haven't communicated with me, other than to ask for a letter from the GP, I have asked them for a meeting, head of year has just changed and I have heard nothing yet.

Today she has had a bad day, was unable to leave the house for her driving lesson or her after school job at the Chinese around the corner that she should have done.

The counselling yesterday was apparently ok, but early days yet to see if its of help. And yes, I am very proud of her, and love her to bits.

She wont take tablets zoo
At the moment she will eat cereal, spaghetti bol and a couple of types of fruit. Not much else.

eust I can see why you are very worried.at least cereal is fortified lots vitamins
Techno we all feel distress for our children and it's the same for all of us regardless of the level the anxiety affects their lives.none if us want to see our child unhappy.im sorry today was such a crappy day for her

Techno my daughter is younger than yours but I have noticed that she gets ‘worse’ for a few days after she’s seen the psychiatrist even though the trend is definitely for the better. Apparently it’s ‘thinking time’ and quite normal to see an apparent worsening in symptoms right after the therapy session. I hope things start to get a bit better. Is there something specific about this school compared to the other that makes it harder for her? I completely get the whole morning mayhem- we had that for ages (so it seems) and I honestly thought at times I wouldn’t make it through. I have two younger children (aged 7 and 10 - DD1 is 12) and I feel that they were very much neglected at that time. It’s so hard!

Eust my DD1 can be so grumpy when she hasn’t eaten but refuses to see the link! She’s adamant she will be sick if she eats and she uses the example of Ramadan (this is not our culture) to show that it’s possible to fast and still function. She was doing quite well but her first ‘proper’ exams seem to have created a monster!

I have to say I’m really struggling with her at the moment. She’s following me around (usually at 9pm I have about 1hr to myself before I start on a the prep for the next day but now she’s following me down with all her revision). She’s like a toddler but one who can speak and express their crazy feelings! I try to be kind and compassionate but tonight I just want to run away! Except I’d miss the other two :-(

bigbus
That sounds hard,especially as the day is drawing to a close and you must be exhausted.hope you managed some sleep
I've fantasized many times of running away but reality is no one else could manage D's,DP couldn't cope by himself with them and dd1 is brilliant with them all but admits he would take her over the edge

Tough here at mo.youngest has sats in fortnight and stressing,dd2 approaching mock GCSE and all but melting down and D's is,well D's...

We have food issues too. On a good day he will eat all sorts, happy to try new food, variety of veg etc. On a bad day he doesn’t like pasta and ask we why can’t have fish and chips or pizza. But if you serve either of those (which we have once a week or so anyway) he’ll likely find fault too - pizza is reheated (homemade) leftovers, not fresh, why is it oven chips not from chippie. Aargh! Complains of stomach ache are frequent too, sometimes it’s constipation, sometimes anxiety. I tend to default to the former as at least I can offer solutions!
How did the cbt go buffy ?

taswama I find anxiety creates "safe foods" for whatever logic in that which are more likely accepted when stressed about anything.ds has always had texture issues,hating "chewy"(meats,dry fruit,celery etc) with a passion almost always but when especially miserable he reverts to bananas and "nursery foods"(soft texture like yogurt,milkshake,Weetabix,custard) he's underweight and I've given up fighting it and just give him what he will eat as when he's in form(rare these days) he can eat ok.problem he has is seems burn off ridiculous amount calories so he needs a massive amount to maintain/gain weight.he gets weighed first Sunday each month and I'd drops two centiles at any point we have to report that in to gp/camhs.so far we've only drop one and maintained that....

Hello everyone, I was on the other thread under a different name, which I can't remember. DD15 is suffering with social anxiety directly related to school and it is now starting to impact on life outside. She's currently at home and also missed Monday. She's in Year 10 so it's pretty worrying. She's got an appointment with a psychologist next week which is costing me a fortune so I hope it achieves something. Feeling really down and helpless.

Technomumof2, our scenario sounds very similar to yours although 2 years behind.

EustaciaVye, I think I know you from the baby years. I used to be castlesintheair. I'm sorry your DD is suffering

Oh and DD's school are being hopeless. One of the best schools in the country allegedly but they have ignored my 2 emails about flexi-schooling/options for DD. No idea what to do ...

Welcome delmartric8
Ask doctor/camhs etc for a letter for school?

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me, it is helping me to know people understand.
There has been a development since I last posted – she has now decided that she wants to stop doing the A levels and take on an apprenticeship instead. The school at last also replied to me, and have actually been very understanding, they are allowing her some ‘space’ to make decisions, but holding her school place for now.
Bigbus – She was at a selective independent school, girls only, before – where the pressure to succeed was huge, I feel guilty at times for having put her through that, although she says she doesn’t blame me as she would never have got reasonable GCSE’s without it. She moved, though her choice, to a mixed sixth form of a state school that is all boys in the main school. So yes, quite a huge change. This morning for the first time in ages there was no pressure, so morning was good –I am trying my best to stop being such a pushy mum, and to accept that the traditional route won’t work for her. I am rather an old mum, and having to learn about the new options available for creative people ( she is in to photography , fashion and dance) and stop feeling that not doing A’s means no future.
My DS is now at the age she was when the pressure really started to become too much ( although he is at state school not inde) I am just hoping I can do a better job supporting him.

Omg castles

techno I really find it upsetting you come across as feeling you have let your DD down/it's all your fault.anxiety comes in many forms and for many reasons.my dd1 and 2 attended/ing all girl's schools and I do feel there is a higher expectation,but that's a small part of the puzzle.boys add many dimensions to learning environment including a LOT of noise and boisterous horseplayyou get more playful teasing and girls are more aware of their appearance etc in mixed school.the fact she has a part time job and is contemplating apprenticeship isn't a sign of failure.shes still going to be"a productive member of society"
She sounds like a lovely girl,a credit to you.
We all want our children to be successful but what does that really mean to you? To me it means happy doing something that challenges,inspires or gives them a sense accomplishment or satisfaction.i had this conversation with dd2 the other day as she frets has no idea what wants to be when finishes school the best paid,most qualified job isn't for everyone.nor would it make everyone happy.and doing something for 30+years that is stressful(as most jobs like that are) without any joy in it would be hell on earth.you have only failed as a parent if you raise a self centered brat with entitlement issues and I'm fairly sure she doesn't sound like that

techno dd is who she is. Nothing is your fault as we do the best we can. Let's hope whatever the route she learns to cope with the challenges she faces.

My dd is already decided she cant do certain lessons next week and I have agreed sod it she can have a free pass rather than force her to do them, so I've told her to go to student support and skip them.

All of this sounds so familiar. My DD16 has struggled with school for the last year. She struggles with ocd type behaviour- fear of contamination by germs - and her school attendance has dropped to virtually nothing.
She has had a part time timetable for the last year but has struggled to keep to it. With exams now about a week away she has said she is not going at all. School seem to think it is a behaviour issue with her just picking and choosing but it definitely isn’t. She has no diagnosis but is probably high achieving ASD. She self referred to camhs and we have worked with family services and have now got a social worker as she is deemed a child in need. DD is a talented musician and has taken part in school activities for 5 years. Rehearsals are the only thing that gets her into school.
Since Christmas she has attended about one lesson a week ( music) and spent a few lessons in student support centre.
She is now banned from the SSC as they say she is disruptive ( she gets easily wound up by other students in there who have significant behaviour issues)
School have given her a timetable of 9lessons , 3 mentoring sessions ( in a group with the kids who threaten her and antagonise her) and 3 lessons on her own in the library. They have said if she doesn’t do this she can’t go to the prom and can’t play in the end of term concert. I think this is entirely unreasonable but they won’t budge. DD now won’t go at all. Sits at home crying. Says it’s not fair when she has been to rehearsal every week for 5 years and now she won’t play in the final concert. Music is her life and she wants to be professional. School have taken away the one positive thing in her school life. She is now saying she doesn’t know if she can take her GCSE’s ( at year 9 her grades were 8 and 9 now she probably won’t get the 5 level 4’s she needs for sixth form) she says she knows she can’t do education next year even though she has two places if she gets the grades. She says she needs a year out to ‘get better’
I don’t know what to do. I split from her dad 6 weeks ago mostly due to the pressure of dealing with this. I’m signed off work because I’m finding the whole situation so hard to manage. I have no support because we have a very small family. Even my mum thinks I shouldn’t have left DH. My only friends are my work colleagues who I don’t see because I’m not at work. They can’t visit because of DD’s ocd and I can’t go out because she doesn’t want to be on her own. I wake up with anxiety attacks and am finding it so hard.
DD won’t engage with people so has no support other than me and I myself need support.
We are living in rental accommodation. I’m struggling with money and fear losing my job due to absence.
Sorry this is a long ramble but just wanted to let it out.

abiamber goodness that sounds beyond hard
Your DD did well to want support from cahms and we all know that with anxiety a hobby/outlet is very important to give them a break from the stresses in their heads.id be annoyed in your place over the concert as she's been so commited to her music.
Relationships definitely take a battering when children become so needy,I can't think of anyone who has come here that hasn't had a least a few rows.as it stands my other half and I aren't speaking(he's never lived with me despite us having three dc)
I know how hard it is without family or support.was a big part of why I started this thread.knowing you are not alone and their are others who understand is vital for sanity.so is self care.you HAVE to have at least a few minutes everyday for yourself even if it's just to have a bath or read a chapter of a book.you can't run on an empty emotional battery.
As for angry and disruptive,again angry is often part of anxiety.the frustration needs an outlet as awareness of the situation they are in boils over sometimes
I cannot make things better,I wish I could wave a wand for everyone here,but we all listen and sympathize.sometimes have ideas to help.please feel free to rant anytime.we share our worries,stresses and victories--small steps we understand are so important,little glimpses of hope and reminders of our pre anxious child

Thanks for that. It’s good to know someone is listening (reading😁) and understands. I’m going to go to try to make an appointment to see the head next week. I also have a meeting with our social worker on Wednesday so I’ll see if they can put any pressure on. With exams and everything else dd’s anxiety is really bad at the moment. We have a static caravan and went up yesterday for the bank holiday weekend. DD loves it there it is an escape from reality. We have to sell it at the end of this season due to the marriage breakdown but are sharing use at the moment. DH and olderDD went for a few days last week. DD2 said it would be ok as long as I cleaned everything. So 3 hr drive followed by 1.5 hours cleaning-even had to take the carpet shampooer. DD sat in the car. Came in and said the cleaning fumes were really bad (anti bacterial spray) and it didn’t feel clean anyway. She wouldn’t go in. Eventually I drove home . Got in at midnight. 6 hours driving, a tankful of diesel I can’t afford and all to clean a caravan! I really worry about trying to get her to do her GCSE’s as she hasn’t sat any exams since year 8. She has constantly refused to do them so has no preparation. With poor attendance on some exams she doesn’t even know the format of the paper. I’ve had to rely on looking online. Dd won’t use any revision material that has come from school because it’s ‘contaminated with school germs.
So glad when the exam period is over. No worries about getting her to school etc but don’t know what we do in September.

abiamber I know it's too late now,but our school offered DD reduced price revision guides with Cpg?/Cgp?all brand new revision tests papers,test cards etc

I'm sorry the get away wasn't successful.i know we couldn't take D's anywhere at mo.ive had make very clear to "d"p days out to zoo etc aren't an option as he will freak at noise/crowds then feel even worse the girls are disappointed about having to leave and he will be mad with D's about the waste/cost

A fairly quiet day here.but playing creative mindcraft all but constantly us his ultimate distraction

I've written a tick list for self care for the next week as he's struggling to rember what to do when

And I've looked at which parts of his school stuff he can do independent,what needs help to get going and which needs my full help to do and will try harder to get more done from here on in...

Hi everyone
How was first day back?
Well being with D's today.he made an origami heart whilst I knitted a prem baby hat watching him❤️

Spoke at length with o.t from camhs today.she filled out his application for asd assessment whilst we chatted.it gets sent electronically,so now we wait ..

How do you feel about the submission zoo?

We are ok? Number of panics and meltdowns are starting to increase. I am getting better at managing them I think but it is very draining. Psych appt is still 6 weeks away.

She has missed some more lessons this week and is now worrying about sports day next month. (She doesnt currently do PE)

I am so tired.

So now we have made some progress with the eating and emetophobia (very small progress), now we have....anxiety about needing the toilet! Apparently she can't go to school because she can't go one hour without fear of wetting herself - even though she is fine at home. Honestly, you cut off one head and another one grows back!

eust6 weeks can feel like a very long time
I'm ok with it if means he gets support needed.i worry now if he's on spectrum if he will ever go back to school/manage outings as family etc
Dp taken it badly-i think he saw it as D's has anxiety.camhs fix things.pick up life as used to be.he continues to deteriorate by the day-his inability to let go of the tiniest thing that goes wrong (inhis view) is exhausting and frustrating in equal measures...

Bigbusanxiety fuels such a need for control,body functions often come into the firing line with a fear of losing control,or the need to control no matter what.my youngest so hates using public loos she will hold it no matter what rather than pee,risking wet herself(at 11)....
Good news on the eating
It is indeed swings and roundabouts and I often struggle to keep up with new triggers!!