Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

Just wanting another hand hold really.
DD has her first exam on Monday and I really don’t think she’s going to go to it. I’m finding it so hard to try to be positive and reassuring when all I want to do is scream and shout and tell her to get a grip and she has to do the exams or her whole future is screwed.
We were supposed to be going to buy exam stationary today but she won’t go. She won’t revise and I think she’s already decided she won’t go.
She’s so bright and has big plans for the future but will do nothing to help herself get there. Won’t accept any help or engage with the people trying to support her.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through this exam period. I feel so on my own as I walked away from my 33yr marriage 6 weeks ago to try to create a better atmosphere for DD.
I feel it’s all been such a mess and don’t know how to get through this. Constantly trying to reassure is just so draining. Whatever I say she turns into a new problem. I’m constantly on the phone to school, even though she’s not attending, to try to sort exam arrangements and I feel it’s all going to be such a waste.
Any body else experiencing this?

Abiamber this all sounds so hard for you. I think maybe this year is not the right year for your daughter to take her GCSEs - perhaps wait and take them when she’s better rather than struggling with them now.

My DD1 is only 12 and just in the middle of her first proper secondary school exams. This has led to a big increase in anxiety which has expanded from emetophobia to now include the belief that she needs to go to the toilet every 1/2 hour and won’t be able to sit the exam. Last night was exceptionally difficult with her following me around yelling at me even when I asked her to let me take a break - it didn’t end well and sadly I lost the plot a bit. I also have two younger DCs - one who is about to do yr6 sats and one who is in yr2. DH is at work all the time and when he’s not he’s planning to be away for 4 weekends out of the next six on fun escapades. I feel demented.

Like you I feel completely exhausted by the constant battle. My daughter has refused to go into restaurants before while the whole extended family watches from within. Once at my MILs at Christmas she wouldn’t leave the house until I had put everyone in the front room and closed the door. I feel like I am dealing with this all on my own.

We have made progress since Christmas but sometimes I just want to scream at her ‘Just eat like a normal person!’ But I know that wouldn’t help (she used to eat perfectly normally and loves food).

Anyway I’m rambling. I’m so glad to have this thread for hand holding. I don’t think anyone can understand what it’s like to be locked in this intense two person relationship with an anxious child unless they are in it too.

Perhaps the best thing is to forget about school for maybe even a year and concentrate on sorting out her mental health and your family relationships and finances.

As Zoo says, try to take a little time to look after yourself.

Thanks bigbus.
I try to make time for myself but she will increasingly not ‘allow’ me to go out. We have recently been allocated a social worker because she is considered a child in need as she isn’t accessing education. Social worker is worried about me as she says DD and I have a relationship that is equivalent to domestic abuse. She is putting me in touch with support groups for women experiencing domestic abuse. The abuse is mental not physical which is really hard to deal with.

Abiamber I also feel at times like I am being subjected to abuse - actually on 3 occasions she has been physically violent with me. But then other times things are lovely. It’s also really hard not to feel like a complete failure.

It is a total nightmare. I agree

Just to let you know pp has had a name change

Sending big hugs and handholds to everyone who needs one tonight xx

She actually did some exam work last night. We had been out and spent a ridiculous amount on pens etc for the exams. I can’t afford it but want to show that I believe in her. She then worked through a maths paper. Last night was a glimmer of hope that we might get through this but I know that today we could be back to square one . Such is the roller coaster of a teenager with mental health issues.

Hi all...reading everyone's posts and just want to echo Zoo's comments. Hugs and handholds to all of you.
If anyone remembers me from the first thread I have 2 DS - 16 and 10 - on the spectrum. DS1 was out of school for 6 months after a traumatic event at school (police called/admitted to hospital for assessment). Didn't want to return to school but agreed to try a different school across town. Things ok for 6 weeks until anxiety peaked again and he started to swear and disrespect teaching staff and principal. He later confessed that he threw all his school binders in a 'random recycling bin near the school' (we live in a large city). I have a meeting to discuss Monday morning with principal and her team which I am dreading.
Thank you - just needed the handhold

2 hours with dd locked in bathroom today. Anxiety induced meltdown. Nothing would get her out, no amount of reasoning, until I started to cry. She didnt want me to be upset. This seems to be escalating and DH and I feel so helpless.

Anneonly practical suggestion is maybe assessment with gp?sorry things are becoming so difficut

ABI I suspect I would also have spent money I don't have on pens to show encouragement.fab she tried the maths paper.am rooting for you both come Monday- please let us know how it goes

Viking glad you found the new thread!I'm so sorry things have taken a downturn with D's.it seemed so hopeful he was on board with the school change.handhold from now til Monday,and lots of supportive wishes for Monday's meeting

I have done something to my shoulder/arm.was excruciating Thursday and unable to move it.literally had to hold it as weight of it hurt like hell on my shoulder.saw gp yesterday and he was concerned I'd dislocated my shoulder...trailing D's and dp to doctor was bad enough...noise and lighting had him panicking and do had keep walking him round block.he was very resistant to trip hospital (why do we have to go when I don't want to??)and we had no one he would/could stay with.xray dept he struggled...after finding nothing skeletal I was sent a+e for advice and physio app.he was freaking so bad about how hot it was had beg reception for but paper to make a fan and he lay face down in do lap being fanned in ear defenders.people staring thinking we were there for him!!
He's not happy I'm in a sling and can't do chuff all.plus he's stressing I'm not well/something bad might happen to me/extra clingy.xbox is only thing that helps distract him and I'm ashamed to say is in full time operation today.lots pain and immobility and his endlessly hit me with questions are not going together is dd2 (15 yrs)is amazingly good and has step up to help with everything from littertray cleaning to cooking as dp is back at work today.thus is between stressing over start mock GCSE and revising!

Heyho,onwards and upwards,right?!

Oh Zoo you poor dear! There's no shame in overusing the Xbox in times like these. Thank goodness for dd2. Has pain eased at all?

We have first psychiatrist appointment mid June. I just have to hang on for that. But so many little changes at school between now and then :/

Hope your shoulder is better soon zoo

Zoo I'm sorry to hear things are so tough. I was listening to an article on the radio the other day that suggested that concerns about screen time are not very well backed up with evidence. I think that it actually causes more harm sometimes to be in conflict over it all the time. If it helps him and it helps you to have a rest and also to get some time with the other DCs then I wouldn't worry about it. It's actually a good thing :-)

I have decided to back off about the eating. Reading about the struggles some people on here are having with low BMIs etc I think I'll stop stressing - she still won't eat or drink at school but she eats at 4 am and she eats plenty the rest of the time and she's a healthy weight. Our relationship was becoming all about food which I can only think will be more damaging in the end. So I've decided to let it go, she's not starving.

I think we're heading right into teenager land - is it normal for teenagers to completely lack empathy for anyone else????

bigbus I had two years with dd2,she's now passed they realms of selfishness,others I chat to suggest similar time frame.we have odd clips, but things are thousand percent better.there is light at the end of that tunnel!!
As long as she has energy and growing I think backing off is the right thing,not easy as mum's we want to show our love by nourishing them

Viking no decrease in pain ..yet
Physio is 23rd may.im hoping it's fixed itself before then,not that I'm complaining.i sat in a+e with some totally ungrateful so and sos complaining and swearing about waiting (whilst eating, drinking and popping out for cigarettes)..I've nothing to be complaining about when I got taken care of for free❤️

teobeowelcome
That sounds all very difficult,it's always hard seeing your child suffer and not being able to make it right.harder still when trying to manage the needs of others in your home.
Are you in the u.k?

The reason I ask is young minds do a crisis messenger service available in u.k,offering 24/7 support to young people with mental health services I've not used this service with D's,but if you Google young minds crisis messenger it comes up.i saw it on FB earlier and thought it may be a useful string to our bows if anyone's DC want to talk someone else if feeling desperate.for anyone interested details are:
Text YM to 85258

Average thanks.ups and downs with D's but bit sunshine always helps
You most certainly aren't alone.someone who doesn't have anxious child really doesn't get how exhausting and frustrating it is
Dump your troubles here, rant,we all understand.we also love tohear babystep Improvement and little triumphs.xx

It is Mother's Day today where I am - and even though it may not be where you are - I wanted to to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mums on this board. You deserve it

Weekend before exams was going reasonably well but now DD is lying in bed sobbing and distraught saying she can’t do the exams. I’ve tried everything, reward, bribery etc.. but nothing helps. I don’t know what to do. She can pass these exams but won’t even try!
I left my marriage for her and now I feel it was all a waste. Nothing is any better and I’m just on my own with her and a shed full of debts. Why can’t she just go to school and do her best. I don’t care if she doesn’t pass I just want her to try. When I ask why she can’t do the exams she just repeats ‘I just can’t ‘
What can I do? I don’t think threatening to take her stuff away will help.
Advice and hand hold please.

Big hand hold and nerves of steel this morning ABI .be thinking of you

Viking thank you.xx
Teobeolet's live in hope

A out to go wake the masses...youngest has SATS this week and dd2 has a pre mock GCSE testshes fretted over so I may need a tin hat getting them sorted today(which then knocks on to D's feeling stressed by them ranting and door slamming)