Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

Got to bed at 5am! Going to try to get DD up about 11. Just had H on the phone mainly to point out that this is mostly my fault for giving in all the time. If I’d been firmer when she was little none of this would have happened. Just what I need today! He just thinks she’s manipulated things for years to avoid going to school because she’s lazy. There perhaps is an element of that but it goes way beyond that.
His view is if she doesn’t go to the exams I should sell her moped her clarinet and her guitar because she’s never going to sixth form or music college so she doesn’t need any of them.
Just reminds me of why I left him 2 months ago. My mum barely talks to me because she thinks I shouldn’t have left him. I feel so alone in all this. Am I just making excuses for her? Do other people see what I can’t?

abi that was neither helpful nor supportive.im so sorry he's being such a twit.I suppose he's lashing out with frustration and laying blame at your door.
Please repeat after me "it is not all my fault" continue to do so until you at least acknowledge it,if not believe it.as mums we are expected to make things ok and feel guilty if we can't.
I would most certainly NOT be selling her things,we don't give stuff with conditions attached afterwards,and it's not helping her feel any better.i would expect she's mad enough at herself without making her feel even worse

As for your mum ,it's very easy for older generations to believe MH is all about being lazy,weak willed.the classic pull yourself together...it's not as easy as that or this thread wouldn't exist!!without wishing to be rude or disrespectful is she also of the age where you need a man in your life and is embarrassed at idea of you going it alone and suffer in silence rather than make a stand and walk away?
I'm sorry you had such an awful night,huge hugs and hand holds.
When's her next exam?xxxx

Her exam is at 1pm today but so far she won’t get out of bed! As for my mum she walked out on my dad after 20+ years marriage to live with a man she had an affair with. She’s hardly in a position to judge!
Will continue trying to get her out of bed.

Good luck to you both ABI and teo with things this afternoon.bw thinking of you both

She has gone to school. I’m now sitting anxiously waiting for a call to say something has gone wrong!
The only thing that got her to go was the promise that she could have another rabbit. I know you shouldn’t bribe but desperate measures. Now I’m thinking if she can do it for a bribe why can’t she do it for the sake of her future. Maybe I am being taken for a ride!

Sometimes you pick your battles ABI
If she does it,can you eke it out to all of the exams?
Btw bribery is such an ugly word.i prefer to call them incentives

Fingers X it all goes well.accept it then as a victory.xx

She came back really positive from the exam. Thought we had a breakthrough! Now it’s started all over again about science tomorrow. First she says she really can’t do it and then gets upset. Then she says she might be able to if I let her have the second cute bunny she saw today. She then backtracked and tried to negotiate something else for the rabbit. I offered two alternatives for getting yet another rabbit. Either sit all 4 science exams or cancel a very expensive guitar that was ordered last week. Great shouts and rants of not fair. ‘You are asking me to either do something I can’t do or give up the guitar I’ve waited ages for. I told her she could trade the guitar for the bunny or she does her science exams.
Definitely some amount of MH issues coupled with a large amount of manipulation I think. She has also said she won’t do the second paper of the rs exam she did today. She says this like she is doing ME a favour by going to some exams. She can’t grasp that it’s her future she’s jeopardising. Can’t wait until mid June when exams and school are finished.

ABI congratulations on first paper complete.hold firm over constant demands.good luck for science paper today
Viking how did school meet for DS go?xx

Abi we had to use a lot of ‘positive rewards’ to get DD1 to school before Christmas - fortunately it was things like candles, clothes and books - but it was costing me £10 a week (plus the other two needed to also have something because otherwise she was being ‘rewarded’ for what they were doing anyway - although not every week). Fortunately she wasn’t asking for rabbits or we would have a rabbit farm by now! I started using the positive rewards because I had got into a cycle of removing things (phone, laptop etc) and it really wasn’t working. It was just making us all feel bad and associating the things she likes with bad feelings. I’m glad we did the bribing - rewarding! - because she did stay in school and now she goes without a fuss (as long as she hasn’t eaten for 4 hrs before she leaves the house - she has breakfast at 4am!).

I look at it like this - she really did feel terrified to go to school so it was acknowledging the great effort she had made to get herself there. Also it worked and she went to school so sometimes the ends justify the means!

Good luck today

I'm so happy to have found this thread. DD (8) has been referred by CAMHS to a community paediatrician - she's presenting with ASD/Anxiety/PDA/Sensory processing issues and symptoms so while we wait for a diagnosis, it's not the most fun time for any of us. This morning was spectacularly bad and now I have to function at work when I just want to crawl under my duvet!

crayolaaa welcome
What's life like on a daily basis for you?x

The bad sleeping is a killer isn't it??who knew that past toddler phase this would come back again,only we would be older and it seems way harder

I've got D's doing some work school gave us nearly two months ago..its first time I've been firm to do a set amount every day rather than little bits.it is difficult,and we have had a few breaks with trips to look at insects in the garden and mixing up stuff he enjoys with harder stuff.i have become very aware he's approaching a whole year out of school and that scares me into a routine...
He copes better with check lists,so I planned out what we would tackle today and we have been ticking off as we go...
He's done a little science on genetics,planned a caretaker of the world advert for ethics(got too overwhelmed trying to put into the advert itself so we just have all the ideas at moment) for ethics,read two chapters of a school book and summarised plot and a little maths.im very pleased.hes...well less so
Normally we do maths everyday,poss bit Englishso this is a big step up ..
Camhs are aiming to get him at least back into school building September so I feel slowly ramping it up from now us way forward
Our "incentive" today's efforts is walking with dinosaurs episodes in Netflix til my eyes bleed

Oh dear! I just got an automated text from DD1’s school to say she has detention for being late to a lesson. I’m not looking forward to her coming home this afternoon. She hates getting into trouble so this is very unlike her (she won’t get in trouble from me for this, the school have dealt with it). I’m worried she’s going to be really angry or really upset and refuse to go back there ever again. I won’t see her until later because DD2 has orchestra after school. I wish the school hadn’t texted me!

bigbus fingers X it's a minor lack communication and she's not too upsetsending extra reserves vibes for when she gets homexx

Welcome crayolaaa

I called student support this morning as dd was super anxious and I was sick of emailing every day. Everything about the weekend came out and I explained how awful things are, despite the fact she is clearly keeping it together mostly at school.
I got an email this afternoon saying on reflection they think a face to face chat would be a good idea...

teo he's 13.he is super stressed it will happen again tomorrow

I am of the hide email or even phone chat group...I hate face to face.i end up feeling intimidated and forget what o want to say as it is inevitably me Vs at least 4-5 members of staff....

Thank you guys for all your advice, support and sharing. I have weathered tonight’s storm and remained calm (which has not always been the case) which in turn leads to a better outcome all round. This group really helps.

bigbus we all need someone who understands

Viking are you in Canada?
Dd is almost 16 and was dx with OCD just over a year ago. She gets good support through psych and a counsellor (they alternate appointments) and she takes amitryptilene. The meds are primarily being used off label as a sleep aid, rather than as an anti-deptessant. The psych hoped that helping with sleep would have a positive effect on anxiety levels during the day. Her OCD is far less debilitating than it was a year ago. She has a full assessment at the children’s hospital’s transition service coming up, which will also help her work on taking responsibility for her own healthcare needs.
Fortunately she doesn’t have school related anxiety, but we are more than familiar with trying to talk her down via phone while driving an hour to get home as fast as we can. She has ongoing issues with compulsions and obtrusive thoughts.

DD woke up at 5.30 by accident today and ate a full bowl of cereal
It seems it was early enough that the anxiety hadn't sent the message to her stomach/brain not to eat.
We are going to try again tomorrow and see what happens. If I can get a full bowl of cereal into her in the mornings rather than about 3 spoons that has to last until 4.00 i think that would make a big difference.

DD wouldn’t go to science exam yesterday or English literature but I’m fine with that because she has no chance of getting a level 4. You can’t miss a whole year of lessons in those subjects and still pass. School say any grade is better than no grade but going through the anxiety of getting to an exam to get a grade 2 isn’t worth it. We are just focusing on the ones she has a chance of a level 4. School don’t see it that way though. They said she had to go to ALL her exams to be allowed to band practice this week. I think they should reward her for going to the first one as it was a massive hurdle. If she doesn’t go she probably won’t get her solo back. I don’t even know if they have explained this to the music teacher. He might just think she hasn’t bothered to go. School didn’t reply to any of my emails yesterday! I expect they will contact me today to ask if she’s going for the English literature exam this afternoon. I have repeatedly told them she isn’t. I didn’t want her entered. How can you answer questions on books/plays/poems you haven’t read? We need to focus on the ones she has a chance with. She needs 5 level 4’s for sixth form and she already had one that she took a year early. Yes she could have got 10 level 8’s but that was before MH took over. I don’t think she will cope with sixth form next year. She wants to take a year away from education to ‘get better’ - her words. But if she has to resit GCSE’s after that she will be 18 before she starts Sixth form and I don’t know how the funding goes. She wants to have a year out next year and maybe do some volunteering or something. Don’t know if she can because she’s only 16 and supposed to be in education or employment and training. I do know she won’t cope with education next year as things are but don’t know what the consequences will be. Also the only volunteer jobs seem to be charity shops or libraries. An absolute no go for someone with OCD centred around germ fears. She can’t touch things other people have touched without using hand sanitizer. If someone brushes past her in a shop she goes into shutdown and we have to leave immediately so she can go and shower. Best time for our food shop is after midnight at 24 hour Tesco. No more exams to get her to until Monday. I so want the exams finished so I can return to work and lead some kind of ‘normal ‘ life at least until September when the hassle will all start again!