Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part 2)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi everyone
Our original thread filled up fairly fast so I'm offering a second one
Anyone who cares for a child/teen with anxiety can join us as a comment,or hang around
Post your worries,your tips,ask for advice,rant about your day -we understand
Also feel free to share any small victories

Amen to that bigbus

She went to her exam at 8.30 this morning without any fuss!
Not all as straight forward as it sounds though. Yesterday she didn’t get up until 2pm although I repeatedly tried. So she wasn’t tired later. She thought if she went to sleep about 4am she wouldn’t get up so decided not to go to bed at all! I stayed up with her even though I’d been up since 8.40am. So last night watched tv. Did some revision. 11.30 went to McDonald’s. Then more revision. Watched Charlie and the chocolate rayon Netflix. McDonald’s for breakfast at 5am. Went for a drive by the river at 6am. At 7am she went for a ride on her moped. 8.15 got dressed and went to school. Now she’s in the shower Android get rid of school germs. Then she’s having a nap! I feel like a zombie!! It all sounds so ridiculous when you write it down but it seemed ok at the time. Another 8.45 exam tomorrow 😭

Stupid predictive text!
Chocolate factory
Not Android but to

Thought it had gone too well!
She’s just spent an hour in the shower and is now sobbing in her room saying she still feels disgusting and she can’t go into school for any more exams. She is exhausted so I hope she feels better after a sleep. I’ve spoken to school who have been quite good saying they will do anything they can to help like she can choose where she sits ( she is already in a room with just a few other people) can enter the exam before or after every one else. Doesn’t need to queue in the corridor etc.. they suggested calling Cahms crisis team. Don’t know what else to do

I think that's not a bad suggestion ABI she's exhausted and needs sleep,as do you.
DO NOT let her sleep all day,just a few hours,then you really need to get her up or it will be a repeat tonight and that's way too much for you lovely

Things escalating here.ds been very stressed,lots physical symptoms since last camhs appnot sleeping well unless with me,but not settling til nearly midnight
He has app on Tuesday,Thursday he has a review with psychiatrist.hes stressing dreadfully over that as he(Dr) scared him silly last time saying he would get very ill if didn't gain some weigh
my youngest is acting up dreadfully this last few days.lots lies,answering back,not doing as asked etc..could be age(11yo),periods approaching or she's not happy with situation here.either way I've called a family meeting after dinner as I lost it last night with combo her pushing my buttons as well as making D's cry shout at him and try pick fight her sister all on top me try cope D's I nearly walked out.had I left I wouldn't have come back
We need be sure everyone feels heard and to find a way to have fun as a family and pull together not shred each other and be perpetually shouting!!

Your situation sounds as stressful as mine. I called camhs and they said someone will call me back! The teacher I spoke to was really sympathetic. I have spoken to her and sent so many emails over the last year. Her advice was to try and get her in if possible tomorrow but if not to think that her (mental) health is more important than exams and that she needs help to try to overcome her problems and exams can be taken next year . I hope she will accept support because I can’t deal with this anymore. My own mental health is suffering.
You said that you felt like walking out and not going back. I walked out, with DD 8 weeks ago. I have gone from a comfortable life to having no money. My older DD has university exams starting today. I feel I need to be strong for everybody when inside I’m falling apart myself.

CAMHS have called back. They have given me a couple of book titles and a website about mental health where I can download a workbook about dealing with OCD she is still on their waiting list for CBT. Really helpful!!!!!!!

It's all so hard isnt it. 🤯

Spent a lot of time on the phone to school. They have been so helpful. First said they could change exam arrangements to suit her eg sit where she felt comfortable, arrive first/last, not have to wait in corridor. I’ve had careers advisor and head of house and assistant head on the phone. DD was so convinced she couldn’t do it. Then her head of house had offered to come to our house to invigilate so she can sit the exam at home. DD is comfortable with him but they also offered a TA so she had s choice. Dad has finally agreed that she will do her best to give it a go in the morning. I emailed assistant head about an hour ago and have had a reply saying they will do their best to get it sorted in time for the 8.45 maths exam.
I’m so impressed with the length they have gone to because over the last year DD has taken up so much of their time and has generally not been either cooperative or grateful and yet they are still trying everything possible.
Hope she doesn’t say she’s too tired to get up. She slept from 23 until 7.30pm and is sleep now. I was last asleep about 8.30 Sunday morning. That’s about 50hours with nothing more than s quick 30. Minutes snooze on the sofa this afternoon.
I’m exhausted and she had only sat 2 exams so far. Only another 6 to go / glad she’s dropped down to only 4 subjects.

ABI that's amazing they've offered to come to her for the exams!hope you have managed some sleep

Hi, I’m new to this thread.
I haven’t read through the posts yet, apologies!

I have an anxious 5 year old, and a one year old. Things are manageable at the moment, but Summer last year was horrendous. I had a newborn and a child absolutely terrified of starting school.
We had panic attacks, refusing to leave the house, physically clinging to me constantly, coughing all the time, ticks appearing, couldn’t sleep, and sudden aggressive outbursts.
It was the worst time of my life, as I had a baby of a few weeks old and I honestly thought I would lose my mind.

My daughter has had nothing picked up by school (only a matter of time though) as she’s doing well currently.
She has undiagnosed anxiety (one GP suggested toddler yoga...) and undiagnosed sensory issues. I wonder if she has aspergers also, but to me she has no symptoms/high functioning aspergers, but I’m aware of the links between sensory issues and asd.
We’re doing well with sensory stuff right now (goes hand in hand with anxiety) but at her worst she wouldn’t wear clothes or shoes. She’s been a difficult to care for child since birth, but she’s the most empathetic, kind and caring person I know. I love her and will do anything I can for her forever if this is going to be her path in life.

The struggle I have is balancing this and my one year old.
Anyone else experiencing this with such a young child?

I’ll read through threads properly later. It’s just so nice to be here with other people who understand and don’t think I’m ‘spoiling’ my daughter or letting her get away with meltdowns- people just don’t understand that what my daughter needs when she’s screaming and wide eyed with fear is a hug and reassurance.
I think you lot are going to be a lifeline for me

St the moment she is sat in our kitchen completing her maths exam! She seems quite calm because she hasn’t had to go to school so won’t have to go through her shower/ cleaning routine when she gets home.

That's great Abi - the school definitely seem to have changed their attitude. Will she get her solo back?

Welcome Tired - sorry to hear things are so tough. Hopefully with these things being apparent at this age she'll get help earlier and this will be better in the longterm. Do you have any time for yourself? It's so hard being stuck in the middle of all this. We are going through a relatively calm patch but there have been times when I've honestly thought 'I can't do this anymore'

Yay ABI that is BRILLIANT!!!you must be so relieved today has panned out like this.hope you have had some sleep

Tired welcome.i have four children,three still at home.ds is 13.he has a younger sister(11) and older ones(15,24)he was always a bit if a fretter and a bit sensory(major mouther of stuff,hated certain food textures/likes feel of things and hates loud noises) I never even gave add a thought,just thought he was a bit anxious(his dad and I both are) and he was handling it.hindsight has taught so many of us step in earlier is better as I've had contact now with A LOT of parents who the wheels fell off either at start secondary or start puberty and then try fix things rather than work at the little niggles before things escalated
Have you got relax kids in your area?my youngest did it and found it helpful for building self esteem and calmness/help cope with stress.please feel free to post as often as you want- the daily grind,outbursts and,of course,little triumphs.we share it all here
Have you got RL support?it's full on trying to split yourself in many directions.how was DD before the new baby?sometimes it's a life change that throws open what was a niggle to a full blown issue.i don't have a simple answe as to how to manage.i justuddle through,try make sure at intervals all voices are heard and remind everyone at least once I day i love them

Abi - that's great. Good the school have seen what she needs to be able to do the exam.

My meeting with the school today was very good. Head of KS3 and SSO. They wanted to understand all of DDs issues, as they are very complex and 3/4 of the time they dont see it at school. They have realised how difficult she is finding things and will now see her once a week to go through her worries and plan for the week ahead - any lesson changes, sports day contingency planning, homework issues, anything .
There are 2 lessons she definitely doesnt have to do for the rest of the year. We will revisit when she is in therapy.
They see it as a long term issue which will need a long term solution.
I cried but felt very supported

Oh Anne I am genuinely so pleased for you!!

It's lovely to hear such supportive school stories on here today.great our young people can be heard and supported properly❤️

It’s so nice reading about the support that schools are providing.

Thanks for the tip on ‘Relax Kids’- I’ve just emailed them for more information.

In terms of RL support, my husband is great. I don’t think he understood her behaviours at first, but now gets it. Even my one year old just walks up to her and gives her a cuddle now.
My mum is amazing. My sister had anxiety difficulties with camhs involvement and her main issue was OCD. My mum listens to me, hears my concerns, and doesn’t think I’m exaggerating, which is what others have suggested (because dd doesn’t show her anxiety in front of others regularly)
Each month that we have a good month, I’m pleased.
Worst time was 2.5 years. (Apart from last Summer!) we couldn’t use the car, she was wrapped in blankets, no shoes, no hair washing/brushing..

The thing I find hard is her anxious meltdowns, and those being perceived as ‘bad behaviour.’ I stupidly didn’t put her goggles on correctly the other day, causing her to have a sensory panic, and she started screaming like she was in physical pain (which she is, in terms of her sensory needs). She smacked me repeatedly- something she would never ever do when not in this panic. I held her arms and cuddled her, taking her goggles off. Whispering that it was ok.
The parents around me stared. Like I’d let her hit me. Like I have zero boundaries in place.
It’s hard. She’s the kindest girl. She wouldn’t ever hit me- we have no hitting in our family. But I was judged.

I expect you all know what that’s like.
I’m keeping a close eye on her. I think school are aware there’s general anxiety, and I cried to the teacher the other day as my daughter sought comfort from her the moment she saw her- I knew she was ok at school with this teacher, who helps manage her worries, and her teacher is absolutely amazing. I was overcome with gratitude!

Like you’ve all said though, as soon as things aren’t going so well- and as at the moment she really is doing well and not showing her usual signs of struggling, I’m getting her additional support.
It’s hard to not dismiss it as a phase, but I know sadly it will return.

Reading your messages has made me realise how strong and determined we all are. I honestly would’ve walked out and not returned if it was anyone else other than my child who was affected.
I see now that the patience my mum had with my sister at her worst times came from being a parent.
I’m pleased to be here, thanks for having me

Just when I thought it was going to be ok! The exam actually went quite well. Her head of house sat on s garden chair in the kitchen having taken his shoes off at the door as requested.
After he had left she went batshit. Absolute meltdown. ‘The house isn’t safe anymore. I can’t do any more exams I can’t have anyone in the house.’ ‘I told you I couldn’t do it but you pushed me into it and now look. It’s your fault. You need to clean the whole house with antibacterial spray. Including using the carpet cleaner.’ The abuse continued. She gave me a verbal list of what I HAD to do. I went to my bedroom out of the way. Was accused of being a shit parent. ‘It’s your job to make everything better not just cry in your room ‘ she then went out on her moped. I decided I would go out as I had something I needed to do at the bank. Queuing in the bank she called me many times. Crying, distraught, ‘I need you you have to come home’ I can’t get my boots off. I’m lying on the floor. You need to come’ my turn came in the bank do I stayed. It took about 5 minutes. Many more phone calls which I ignored. When I got home she was sitting on the floor at the end of the hall. Sobbing and very distressed. Kept telling me it’s my fault. ‘She couldn’t do it. I pushed her and then I didn’t even clean properly ‘ then she realised I’d walked down the hall without taking my socks off. Another outburst because that meant the germs from inside my shoes were now on the carpet so she couldn’t move and was trapped.
Then her phone rang. It was a friend from school. She had s perfectly normal conversation and then said she was going out to meet her friend. She walked down the hall! gave me a list of things I had to do while she was out. This included taking apart the IKEA desk I bought at 9pm last night because she wouldn’t have an exam paper on a table we already had. I wasn’t allowed to take it apart in the kitchen because the top that the exam paper had been on might touch the floor and contaminate it.
This is the same person who is ok with her beloved rabbit running round the house crapping everywhere!
When she got back from seeing her friend she decided to wash her moped. Then she washed my car which is parked under trees and covered in massive splats of bird shit.
I know mental health issues can cause irrational behaviour but this really makes no sense to me. I left my husband 2 months ago to try to provide a more calm environment to help her through the exams. I know feel totally abused by her and really don’t see how this can continue. I don’t want to be her verbal punchbag. I was a teacher for over 30 years but am at a complete loss as to how to stand up to my own child. Has anyone experienced this kind of behaviour and come out the other side?
I know I’m really low st the moment but I’m wondering if I should ask our social worker if she can be taken into care. I feel dreadful even thinking about it but the toxic relationship we have needs to be broken and I don’t see how that can happen as things are. She needs help but won’t accept what is offered so should I try to force the issue so she can start to get some help. I’ve made excuses for her for so long that I’m really not doing her any favours.
I feel such a failure. Any advice or encouragement welcome.

OhABI that sounded utterly soul destroying my love,you are mentally exhausted and it's ok to feel it's all too much
It's very ,very difficult to change habits we have formed,especially when most of the time we never saw them forming
As an outsider I see things differently to you,but it DOES NOT MEAN I judge because I know I am "guilty" of many things with D's we do right now to reduce the overall stress of the house
Firstly I'd be thinking of easing her into talking control/responsibility for herself.cleaning up the house if it bothers her rather than expecting you to do it.not as a row,but a firm quiet voice "if you are concerned about X,y,z contaminating then you need to decide how you are going to clean it as I am fine with it as it is.i will stay with you whilst you do it,but I'm not doing it for you.this would be TERRIFICALLY hard.you know she will call you everything,potentially break things/get angry..remember most anger is frustration at themselves or used as a tool to manipulate.either way standing firm on it would be exhausting but you cannot go on like this..
Is there another family member who could have her overnight/a few days just so you can have a break?
Does she behave the same for others or just you?
Sending massive waves of support to you this morning and hoping you got at least some sleep

tired I think I've been judged by others in the street loads of times.especially when D's has crumpled to floor clutching his chestif stressed or load noise has startled him.watee off a ducks back for me but his sister's feel very uncomfortable by the looks/nudges people give each other.being a teenager is a self conscious time and they hate having attention drawn to them ,but accept he can't help it
You sound like an amazing advocate for your child

Abi that sounds so hard and it does sound like dd has got into the habit of expecting you to fix everything. Zoos suggestion sounds like a good one.

Only advice I have is that you need to make sure you are ok, or you wont be able to look after anyone. You dont deserve to be treated like a punch bag so I would not engage whilst she is screaming at you and wait until she has stopped. Carrying on at the bank was the right thing to do. She needs to realise that you will always be there for her but there is other stuff in life that may sometimes take priority - your own mental health, keeping a roof over your head etc

And please know anything I say is always with love not judgement. I have a blunt style sometimes but it's how I write. I would never judge anyone for their decisions getting through this hell.

Big hugs to you abi

Oh Abi what a horrible experience. I have had similar but not nearly as bad with DD1 - I was away at a Wedding and ended up outside in my phone trying to calm her down, a million text messages all in capitals! There is this huge storm of distress then she’s fine and breezes off leaving me literally on the floor sometimes.

I think family therapy might be helpful. If she won’t go initially then you still can. Might be helpful for all of you.

I hope today is better

Thanks for the support everyone. I rea
Hi appreciate it. This thread is so good because I have no one else to talk to who understands. My H and my mum are my only family and they both blame me for this situation. If only I’d been firmer when she was little etc... however and why we got to this point is largely irrelevant. It’s dealing with the here and now that I need help with. I struggle enough to deal with this on my own on a daily basis without them being accusatory.
I’m going to start withdrawing things and see if I can weather the storm without crumpling.
Love and support to you all

ABI we are,and always will be,here to virtual handhold
Don't beat yourself with hindsight,we could all do that.we deal with here and now,minute by minute if necessary.xx