I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

And if he makes some rubbish ones I will be there to pick up the pieces.

That's what mums do pick up the pieces. I'm sure he'll have a great time at prom.
I'm not on any meds for the infection and anemia, I'm seeing the GP again next week and their going to take some more bloods in a few weeks.
I've phoned the crisis team tonight, because I'm hanging by a thread. I've emailed my solicitor, and I've laid on my bed and counted that's the OCD in me but it does calm me down. I've got a long list of stuff to do, so I won't get a break. My son will only spend time with me and he doesn't particularly want to do that.
He can't wait until he's 16 so that if I have to go into hospital he can stay on his own.

He is looking forward to getting a chance to be home alone?

If you need to go in. Really need to go in. Then they will have to work something out. (Friend recently had sepsis. Staying at home wasn’t an option.) Hoping it doesn’t come to that.
Not sure why they aren’t treating anything at all. You must feel so rough.
Is there anything on the list that can wait?

I've just typed a reply and lost it, arse.
My son hates people he tolerates me, he'd love to be on his own.
I think it's a chest infection I'll get the doctor to check next week.
I told my mum the doctor wanted to admit me, she said you can't go in you've got to move house.
My head is a constant battle suicide, son, I have to keep going for him. Then there's all the freaky and evil thoughts I don't get any peace unless I'm counting.
I'm glad I can speak to the crisis team because at least most of them know me not like the Samaritans, but they'll only keep me on their books until Monday.

What’s the plan after Monday? Can’t you get that extended?
You do have to keep going and it can get so much better but you need help and support.

Do you have a date yet for the move?
It is usually pretty serious when a doctor wants to admit you.

Still no date for moving. The crisis team will only have me on the books short term because the problems are ongoing,but if I feel like this next week im sure they'll keep me on.
The GP does know me really well but the mental health team think I should just keep going and that I'm doing really well considering.

You are doing really well, but their jobs aren’t done yet.

Yep but support can help you to do better than just keep going. You are doing great. And will do even better once you’re through this bit.

You'll laughter at this, didn't sleep last night and I never go on my iPad at night but I broke all the rules 1.30 checked my universal credit payment, 4.30 emailed solicitor to tell her it had remained the same. Today I have put washing in, hung it on the drying rack, done the dishes, done some paperwork and you know what I hate myself because I couldn't do it without support. I'm a fully grown woman.
Had a positive email my son is going to be assessed for an EHCP after, they'd initially turned him down.
Meeting for my son tomorrow regarding his CAMHS and CBT input, I know I'm going to have to fight.
I hope your son enjoyed his prom.

Dishes! Washing! Paperwork!

Adults ask for & accept needed help.
(And give help when it is appropriate.)

Good luck with the meeting tomorrow!

You are bloody awesome. And it’s not you who can’t do these things. It’s an illness that makes it extra hard.
He did. Thank you. Sleeping it off now. I’m much relieved to have him home in one piece.
Good luck tomorrow. X

The meeting when as expected they discharged my son from CAMHS. I need to do a course on autism and all will be well. Absolutely fuming.
The day just got worse and I hate myself, always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing. There is no point.

It’s them, not you, making mistakes.
Please be kind to yourself. You’re a great mother.

I've spoken to the crisis team, told them how I was feeling, just going to have a lazy day today, because that's what I am.

Everybody needs an occasional lazy day.
But remember to hop in the tub, or bake a cake, or something, and give us a boast, please.

It’s not you. It’s the system.
Sometimes you need a lazy day. It’s a chance to recover and recharge.
Also hoping for a Monday boast!

I couldn't not do anything so I did some shredding. Totally messed tea up which nearly ended in tears.
I just don't want to start another week, I really hate myself and my life. I know the crisis team will discharge me tomorrow and that's crap. I can't help all the shit going on making me feel like this.

Shredding!
Hey, it’s just tea. It’s a little problem.
Does your son cook a bit, or make sandwiches? Since he is big, maybe he has a good appetite?
Wait and see what the crisis team says. Then you can decide what your next move is. Like chess.

No but you can get past the shit and feel so much better.
It’s brilliant that you feel you can’t not do anything at all. I had days where I couldn’t manage anything at all. You’re doing brilliant.
As long as nobody has been poisoned or a fire started (both have happened in this household!) then you’ve messed nothing up. (The poisoning wasn’t me and it was only a very little fire. )
What happens if you tell them you don’t want to be discharged and you’re worried you still need their support?
Good luck tomorrow.
Hey you have to manage another boast tomorrow. Shredding is today so you need another for tomorrow.

I want to die, I've phoned the CPN she's not got back to me and I don't believe she will. I'm just annoying people. They all hate me and I deserve it. I made 3 phone calls on Friday which they were meant to be returning today, nothing as yet.
Son has an appointment later so we're going to the chippy for tea. He does eat a lot and cooks himself an omelette on Fridays because I refuse to do it, he refuses to eat pasta, so I have pasta on Fridays.

You’re not annoying anyone and they don’t hate you. It’s the illness making you think that. She may be out of office, dealing with something and not checked messages or even unwell. It’s not you. It’s them.
Hope they get back to you soon.

They aren’t annoyed & they don’t hate you. They are probably super busy.

I phoned the CPN again, she wasn't available so I asked to speak to the duty worker they told me I had to wait to speak to my CPN. She did then phone me back. The crisis team won't keep me on their books so it's back to the Samaritans. I'm in a really bad way and I have some more financial paperwork to sort out for the solicitor tomorrow.
Thanks for sticking by me.