I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

It’s his dirty little secret. You’ve done nothing wrong. And it’s nobody’s business unless you want to tell them.
Some days you just have to get through. Not accomplish loads. Good call about the Samaritans. I find it really hard when I think I have something lined up and then it doesn’t happen. And I know people get ill but sometimes it feels like the floor is falling from under you. It isn’t. You can do this.

I started calling the Samaritans but I put the phone down, before they answered, everyone's fed up with me. I have to keep going for my son and keep going and keep going.

We’re not “fed up” with you.
Have you watched any tv today?
Have you eaten anything?

I've eaten a ready meal and chocolate, I'm going to watch eastenders and then my son will be down and we'll watch something together. Thankyou for being not fed up with me.

I am completely and utterly NOT fed up of you. Frankly I find your strength and determination inspiring.

Not feeling the strength tonight. I already know tomorrow is going to be another shit day. I don't understand people, I don't understand how to do life.

But you did it today. You’ve managed so much already. Can you plan one nice thing for tomorrow? (I’m getting my hair cut as it’s really overgrown!)

I hate getting my hair cut, so enjoy. I've got to wait in for a phone call in the morning and then I've got 2 appointments back to back in the afternoon.

I hope your day is going well.

I wish it was, think lots of swear words. 3 emails from my solicitor regarding, my divorce and finance. Just phone the court up for your refund if only that didn't cause me stress and anxiety. I've done it but naturally it's turned into a 2 day job.
She wants to know what my sons doing in September I've told her I don't know, I emailed his post 16 worker yesterday maybe she can come up with something.
Then finally what will my bills be in the new house, am I psychic, I don't know what my bills are now let alone in the future.
The duty mental health social worker was meant to phone me this morning, he hasn't.
The police promised they'd phone me by the end of last week, they didn't.
I've been for a walk with my OT this afternoon which took nearly all, of my energy, I told her I was fucked off with everything and suicidal.
Then my new career started so I've washed the dishes. Been shopping with my son , it's bath day but all I really want to do is curl up and die.

My new career not new career, not quite ready for that.

You’ve done so much already today. Can you face that bath? I have my hair cut at the hairdresser’s house. She sprays it with water so I don’t have to do the awful lean back in a sink. She’s lovely. It looks much better when it’s done too!!

For fucks sake carer

Oh and I had guessed carer. Bloody phones. Mine changed it to carter!

I've spoken to the Samaritans and cried a lot, I so desperately need a break and I am trying so hard, my mum had a go at me last night because I said I was suicidal, she called me selfish, I won't do it to my son, but I am cracking. I don't think I'll manage a bath tonight, then I'll beat myself up for failing.
I've got so much support yet I feel so alone. I'm going to go to bed for a bit to see if I can calm down.

Some people have let you down today & some emails have been a headache, but you got quite a bit done anyway!
Dishes, shopping w/son, and a walk w/OT!
And, you called Samaritans and chose a nap/rest when things were rough.
Hugs to you.

Honestly sounds like you need a moment of quiet much more than a bath right now. It’s not selfish to feel how you feel. Better to deal with Samaritans and professionals if she can’t support you.
I feel like you think you’re not doing enough. On my worst days I could only just about manage to put clothes on. You’re doing so much better and have so much more to deal with than I ever did. Hoping tomorrow is better.

I did have a bath because I knew I'd feel like I failed if I didn't. Spoke to my mum because she didn't bring my meds round for tomorrow, apparently I was suppose to get them from her, I even got that wrong.
I know I am cracking but I don't know what to do. I can't have a break because of my son.

You’ve had a bath. How is that cracking?
Cracking is not bothering. Not taking the meds and not being there for your son.
One day at a time. And sometimes an hour at a time.

Well done on the bath!
Maybe your support worker can help you find a way to go swimming soon.

You are doing the best you can with only little bits of peace, and no real breaks.

Bad nights sleep, my head just wouldn't shut up. Phoned my CPN waiting for her to call back. Have an appointment with my GP at lunchtime paranoid about that.

Do you know what you want or need to say to the GP? I didn’t sleep either. It’s rubbish isn’t it?

Not sleeping is crap. I go to sleep then wake up after an hour. I saw my GP I'm anaemic and have an infection but don't know where, have to have another blood test in a month. She can see that I'm unwell and wants to admit me, so she phoned my CPN after I left. CPN phoned me and I'm under the crisis team until Monday. As she said there's no point in admitting me because the letters that need dealing with will still keep coming, basically I can't have a break. I'm going back to bed, I'm so tired.

At least they know there’s an infection. Are you on ABs? And are they treating anaemia.
I’m so tired but can’t go to bed. Eldest at prom later. I’m rather anxious about the after party.

“....anaemic and have an infection.....”!
No wonder you are so tired! Hopefully your new medications will help with both soon. Rest as much as you can.

Wolfie, you successfully guided your eldest this far-- they will have fun and make good decisions.