I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

How did the last exam go?
Did you get new jeans yet?
What is today’s boast?

Last exam went shit but I'm surprised he even attempted the way he was feeling he gave up after an hour. Still proud of him.
I have got new jeans but have signed up for a wait management course with my support worker. No boast as yet.

He’s done bloody brilliantly to do a single exam with all he has going on. Of course you’re proud of him.
Well done on the jeans.
I’m nowhere near tackling my weight yet. Well done for that.
Isn’t that two boasts for you and one on his behalf? Start telling yourself well done for the things you’re managing. You’re doing so well. Xx

Another meltdown that's 3 in 2 days. I can't cope with him like this on my own.
Seen the solicitor for signing moving/buying contracts still not got a date because the other solicitor is arsing about. Saw my ex he's definitely a twat.
Life really is shit.

Have any medications helped your son stay calm?
Can he safely go out & kick a ball around or something else active?
If he is not already bigger & stronger than you, he will be soon.
Safety is important for both of you.

Maybe he will be better now exams are over. It’s one less stress. Great idea to give him a physical outlet.

He is bigger and stronger than me and he won't go out. He's a really talented footballer but hasn't played since December 2017 or seen any of his friends. They won't let him see a psychiatrist to get medication and are discharging him from CAMHS on Friday or so they think, I am ready for another battle for him. He still needs help. I need help.

Could any of the money from the sale of your house be used for a private appointment?

Unfortunately not and although my mum would pay for it she already pays for a private counsellor, she shouldn't have to they can't and I will not let them just wash their hands of him.

You are such a good mother!
Your son is so lucky to have you!

I needed to hear that, thank you.

You’re so strong to fight for him when you have your own struggles. He really is lucky to have you.

He's my world

How are you doing today?

Taking small steps ready for the house move. Had a lovely text message from one of my sons friends mum last night seeing how he is and if he's up to meeting up yet. They've never forgotten us, which means so much and I hope so much my son will meet his friend soon.
Really busy week ahead as i have social services starting to work with me for 4 hours a week , I'm very nervous about that.

How kind of them to ask about your son!
Are you worried social services will not understand, or will ask too much of you?

Sounds like you’re really focusing on moving forwards. I hope he can manage to see his friend soon too.
If you have their support for four hours a week have you any idea of how they can help?

I'm worried social services will ask too much of me, and it's someone new. Their aim is to gently motivate me. Sometimes go out for a coffee and basically start doing some housework so my mum can get her life back.
I hate myself for needing the support other people just get on and do it.

Other people don’t need support.
Could you perhaps think about what you could do that would be manageable and also useful?

They will probably try to do a good job and are happy to help.

You are getting your life back too.
Sweaty socks, dirty cups, and trash are part of that.

I am doing more things than I was , having baths, putting washing in, emptying bins, and today I did the shredding that took a week from buying the shredder to actually doing it.

Not only are you doing more, but the difficult things (divorce, son’s troubles, etc.) haven’t disappeared and made things easier.
You are tough.

You’re doing so much more. And without any support at all.
I blew up our last shredder. Finally replaced it today. It’ll probably take me weeks to get round to using it.

Today is a shit day, my support worker was meant to see me but is off sick, I know she can't help it but needed to talk. Both my appointments for tomorrow have changed and I need to talk to someone I feel sick. I can't phone my CPN because I'm paranoid. I've got so much to do and not achieving anything. I'm feeling really low.
My son had his counselling this morning and then he had his haircut, the hairdresser couldn't believe me and my husband had split up but I couldn't tell her why even though I've known her for years. It's my dirty little secret
I just want to run away from it all.

The details are private- the hairdresser doesn’t need to know.

You’ve had some good chats with Samaritans- maybe try them?
Sorry the people & appointments aren’t working out as expected.
Good job getting your son to his appointment & haircut.